It's becoming increasingly clear she was just a tourist in things I believe in.

[getout2020]

Learning is painful. But isn't it always?

I guess the thing I'm grappling with today is that - through discovery and learning of terms and the phenomenon they describe - I'm having to face some uncomfortable (likely) truths. For example, if "mirroring" is what my exBPD was doing when she successfully woo'd me ("lovebombing," too) and convinced me she was the "love of my life," then she didn't actually "love" me. Or at least not in a way I *think*/conceptualize that I love/d her (which is, then, also likely untrue.) And things I thought we had in common? We didn't. She was just "mirroring."

Upon reflection, this makes a lot of things plain. Since my life is oriented around social justice and community organizing, her proclaimed interests in the same subjects excited me. But I would discover, over time, that her espoused politics didn't match her practice and she really wasn't all that interested in "struggle" to improve that practice, either. I made a lot of excuses for her, of course, but it's becoming increasingly clear that she was just a tourist in things I really believe in and was using those things to reflect back to me someone she thought I would love and care for.

It's sad that whoever she really is - she thinks is so unlovable that she doesn't let anyone know her. It's sadder still that I get to know the first person in a long time that I *thought* understood me - didn't. So here I am, wondering what was real - if anything?

And if none of it was real - if it was all just documented phenomenon that is performed around the world by people suffering the same behavioral disorder - why does it hurt me so much? Why can't I just say, "well, that was a challenging experience, but now that I know why everything went the way it did - I should chalk it up to an unfortunate convergence of her disorder and my codependency and work on myself?"

My suspicion is that because these behaviors were so deeply intertwined in the politics that I largely rely on to situate myself in the world ("people are basically good," "if you work at trust, you can build it over time with anyone," "nobody is preternaturally bad, they're just doing the best with what they have trying to get by and survive," etc.), it's harder for me to wrap my head around than it otherwise might be. Accepting some things about our relationship challenges larger constructions about who I am, what I believe and the assumptions I use to navigate the world.

I feel like digging to deep would force me to entirely reexamine what I believe about people and our potential for better things.

This could be catastrophic for me - if I let it be. I don't want to be jaded, guarded and scared of people. Or likewise pessimistic about the promise of humanity. I can't be. If I become calloused and cold, then I can't be who I was before I met her. If I can't trust people, I can't organize and work with them to try to mitigate our suffering under capitalist isolation, atomization and loneliness.

Is feeling like your entire identity has been stolen common? I feel like I'm living in the 1992 movie, 'Single White Female.'

[alittleawkward]

I think because of mirroring, one of the main BPD characteristics, it can be common for people to feel like their identity has stolen. I always think of the Busted song 'She wants to be me' with my experience.

When I left my ex partner she had essentially become a female version of me, with a little more flare and sass. I took it very personally at the time, but also was completely unaware of her BPD. What I found most weird was these 'things' that defined me, from the clothes I wore to the music I listened to, to the events and hobbies I partake in, she continued to also use & do for the next 8 months, albeit with a lack of authenticity and clear attention grabbing. I think this was her trying to lure me back in, as now I see her slowly morph into a new person in order to woo someone else, with all new looks, hobbies and interests. In a slightly narcissistic way from my end, it is comforting to see my mark has been left on her for the better as some of my core characteristics she has held onto, I believe for the better.

I think my support group of friends throughout our break up and the following 6 months or so re-assured me that this kind of behaviour is a total anomaly. Everyones got their own character hiccups, every now and again you'll meet people who you simply don't get along with or don't sit right with you, but that's ok. Even a BPD isn't actually out to steal all your identity and energy, they solely wish for stability but wrongly look for it in other people. I don't believe that the BPD love bubble is un-genuine, it's just so intense, one sided and chaotic compared to a 'typical' one due to their disorder. The fact that a person chose you to completely shift their own personality into is a statement in itself, even if the underlying tones are much darker and malicious.

[zachira]

You are far from alone in being mislead by a person who pretends to be like you to get you to like them, and then it turns out that this person is not like you at all, it was just an act. I am learning to not tell people I meet so much about myself, so they cannot pretend to be just like me. Setting healthier boundaries, and getting the new person to share more about themselves before they know alot about me, helps me to see who someone is before I decide they might make a good friend or romantic partner.
It really hurts to know you have been had. Unlike those who have to steal other people's identity because they are so empty inside, you will recover from how much this hurts, and move on to making healthier choices, something these type of people can never do.
 

[Carguy]

Hey G.O.

I totally understand you here. From what I have learned and based on my own experiences I believe they mirror and take on interest that you have because they have no self identity.

In the beginning they may genuinely be interested in learning about what you are interested in. Maybe when they start to devalue they lose that interest? I do believe that they love us but then the disorder comes along to ruin the party.

I think my ex mirrored me but she also had interests she had previous to me. Some of them happened to match mine and some didn't. I believe they have some of their own personality but they mirror too because they don't know who they are. I don't believe that they are bad or evil. I believe they are just very confused with this disorder. I do have empathy for her and I do love her and wish things were different. I wish that this disorder didn't plague her.

I do understand struggling to trust and questioning others now. I catch myself doing the same thing. It is quite common actually. I listen to a therapist online who specializes in NPD and BPD and I have asked her questions and she has been a big help in helping me understand more about it. She says that after a relationship like this we become hyper-vigilant for a while. She said it is actually quite common and can be worked through.

I hope maybe this helps a little.

[Domino]

A lot of the articles about dating someone with BPD are very negative and written from the perspective of someone that has clearly been jilted by a BPD lover. They talk as if the BPD sufferer is scheming and every move calculated to manipulate. I do not believe this to be the case.

Yes, BPD partners mirror. But everyone does this to a certain extent. We do it as teenagers, copying our friends to fit in. And we do it as adults, siding with the crowd or picking up phrases from those around us.

BPD partners mirror because they have a lower sense of self. But I still believe they mirror for precisely the same reasons we all do. A desire to be loved and to fit in. One way we all bond is by mirroring. It's human nature. It's not a calculated move to manipulate. I think your partner likely did it because she loved you and wanted to be loved by you.

[daze507]

Yes, pwBPD don't mirror or love-bombe on purpose. It is important to understand they don't do that only with their partner but with absolutely everyone... Until they split.
She loved you but in BPD terms, which is not permanent because it dissolves when the honeymoon phase ends and it is also one way in the sense that she loved to be loved by you and the feelings of relief that it induced in her. You were loved as long as you provided for all her requested need. When the needs are not met anynore, well, you're devaluated, discarded and instantly replaced by a new love. pwBPD are not equipped to love long-term because they did not get the tools during their childhood. Reciprocal adult love, that means absolutely nothing to them, pwBPD love as lobg as they feel excitement of the beginning of the relationship.

[Cromwell]

Hi get out2020

I hear you and have gone through post relationship feelings of being jaded. In practical terms, do you also view it as a form of temporary defence following a hurtful experience that has had an impact on your ability to trust?

It did help me to reframe from the moral questions i had and to learn more about bpd as a clinical condition.

Whether or not I'd been hoodwinked or manipulated became eventually a moot point. Either way the end result was that it was from a clinically unwell, deeply troubled woman with a personality disorder.

Global scope is there are others out there too whereby the disorder will affect their relationships regardless of discriminating whether they are good or bad persons at their core.

[once removed]

we all mirror.

mirroring facilitates bonding. psychoanalytic theory suggests that our emotional development depends upon consistent mirroring from our mothers. romantic attraction, friendship, mirroring is a critical element when it comes to whom and how we connect.

in romantic relationships, we all put our best foot forward at first, show the best possible version of ourselves in order to attract the other. we find those quirks adorable. we make an effort to share interests, to have things in common.

certainly, people with bpd traits do it more than most. a low self esteem and fear of rejection, a longing to be accepted and to belong will drive that.

It's sadder still that I get to know the first person in a long time that I *thought* understood me - didn't. So here I am, wondering what was real - if anything?

often times, there is a strong attraction in the need to be "understood", and if part of that is rejected, or not shared, then there are really, really, strong feelings of rejection, that cut deep, to the very sense of who we are. that may be why it hurts you so much.

you can still trust people, although ive come to believe that trust is something built slowly, over time. it may feel, right now, like you cant trust yourself, your ability to read others. its a scary thought.

Accepting some things about our relationship challenges larger constructions about who I am, what I believe and the assumptions I use to navigate the world.

If I become calloused and cold, then I can't be who I was before I met her.

this is the gauntlet of growth placed before you. dont be who you were before you met her - become better, older, wiser.

but give it time. keep digging. my narrative of what happened, of the downfall of my relationship, of who i was, of who i wanted to be, changed a great deal in the years transpiring my breakup.