Today is Anniversary of Death of Mom with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Today has been a sad day for me because it is the anniversary of the death of my mom with BPD. I was generally relieved when my mom died as she was old though sad for how badly she was mistreated by my siblings the last two years of her life and how I was barely allowed to see her.
I am heartbroken how badly my siblings have treated me this past year. Today I have made some decisions about how I am going to end all the drama despite all the challenges with the coronavirus and travel. I am going to try to persuade my brother with BPD to mail me a few items from his house that I would be heartbroken to lose, and forget about the rest of the stuff for now, and I have a plan that I think will work. I am going to let his lawyer keep bothering him about settling the estate, while learning how certain deadlines could impact me. I am going to find a real estate lawyer that understands about personality disorders to deal with the problem of my sister with NPD stealing from the joint accounts for the cottage and her not allowing me access to the cottage which is illegal. I have been pondering how to get the problems with my siblings wrapped up soon. I can't keep being a doormat for their desires for control and drama. I feel confident that all this will work, though I am sad that things have come to this point. Thank you all for your support and listening.

[zachira]

Today has been a sad day for me because it is the anniversary of the death of my mom with BPD. I was generally relieved when my mom died as she was old though sad for how badly she was mistreated by my siblings the last two years of her life and how I was barely allowed to see her.
I am heartbroken how badly my siblings have treated me this past year. Today I have made some decisions about how I am going to end all the drama despite all the challenges with the coronavirus and travel. I am going to try to persuade my brother with BPD to mail me a few items from his house that I would be heartbroken to lose, and forget about the rest of the stuff for now, and I have a plan that I think will work. I am going to let his lawyer keep bothering him about settling the estate, while learning how certain deadlines could impact me. I am going to find a real estate lawyer that understands about personality disorders to deal with the problem of my sister with NPD stealing from the joint accounts for the cottage and her not allowing me access to the cottage which is illegal. I have been pondering how to get the problems with my siblings wrapped up soon. I can't keep being a doormat for their desires for control and drama. I feel confident that all this will work, though I am sad that things have come to this point. Thank you all for your support and listening.

[JNChell]

Hey, zachira. It looks like you have a good plan in place. I’m sorry that you’re having to endure this, but you’re bravery and moral fiber are unwavering and I say good for you. What you describe is very familiar. Sis and I have been talking about our parents and how crazy things were when they passed. It wasn’t with family members, most were estranged for reasons that we can accurately assume. It was third parties. A home health care worker, a supposed friend and so on that felt like they were entitled to our parents belongings. Realizing that our dad had been running smear campaigns on us by the reactions we received at his funeral. At least by the very small handful of people that attended. My sister and I being the only family in attendance.

You’re doing the right thing by allowing lawyers to settle things. Have you obtained legal counsel for yourself? In a way, that would be a firm boundary while also holding your siblings accountable in the eye of the law. The general consensus within this community is that they will either be on their best behavior while under the microscope, or they will melt down and behave terribly. These personalities don’t reside in the gray area for long, if at all. Good on you for taking measures in a respectful, yet firm approach.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira,

This day must bring a lot of mixed emotions for you.  It would be a hard day.  I am not familiar with the history of your relationship with your mom, so I don’t know what is best to say here. 

I applaud you for moving forward with your life, and distancing yourself from your dysfunctional family members, and surrounding yourself with more positive people who support you.  I think it must be intensely difficult to separate from family (even when they hurt you), but not needing to interact with them ( over property matters) will hopefully set you free. 

How was the rest of this day for you?

[madeline7]

Hi Zachira
Your plan is clear and well thought out. Something my uBPDm and family are not able to acheive. With my dysfunctional family, there is chaos and turbulence due to trying to calm or avoid the emotional dysregulation that is my Mother. How great that you are able to make some healthy new changes to the way you will deal with this situation with your family. Of course it comes with sadness and other feelings as you continue to greive the loss of what we all here wish we could have with family. This is hard work, and you are making progress. I am so glad to hear of your plans that will resolve some of the issues while taking better care of your self.

[GaGrl]

I like your plans.

I am very curious how your sister will react to your having a real estate lawyer. She may at overthrow a tantrum (be ready to record it or file the email!), but she could very well respond to an "authority figure" by finding a more reasonable position.

[formflier]

 

Good job thinking this through and making plans. 

You can do this!

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Thank you for your replies and support. I have a plan and that is a great relief. In the meantime I will need to work on controlling my anger for how long it will take to no longer own any properties with my siblings or have any reason to have contact with them. I know I can count on my siblings to do everything they can to antagonize me. In the last couple of years, my self esteem has improved so much, and I have literally walked away from people like my siblings without it bothering me that much. It just felt like the right thing to do and I did not owe these type of people any kind of explanation for no longer wanting anything to do with them. I know my situation is so similar to so many of you who have responded: you have  dysfunctional people in your life with whom you would just like to have little or no contact, and you can't right now for different reasons. How do you keep it together and not let it bother you so much when you get mistreated and disrespected by your dysfunctional family members?

[zachira]

JNChell,
You get it. Between us, we have endless stories of how we were affected by growing up in a dysfunctional family. The smear campaign that we often experience, is probably one of the most difficult to deal with. You are not like your father who talked badly about you and your sister, and there is really no way to know what was said, you just know now that whatever it was, it was either outright lies or terrible distortions.
You and your sister are light years ahead of your parents. Your plans going forward are inspiring and I know you will see them through. I am looking forward to the day when we can both talk about how it is all behind us except for some occasional sadness about how we were abused by our families and how that negatively affected so many parts of our lives for so many years.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a long tunnel.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Thank you for your kind caring support. I am sorry that your mother just continues to mistreat you. I so badly wanted things to get better with my mother, and they never did. She could not see me as a separate person from her most of the time up until the day she died. Yet, she did many kind things for me when she was not emotionally dysregulating, and I am finding it easier to appreciate these things now that she is gone. She expressed so many times how she wanted her children to get along after she died, and to peacefully divide up her things. My grief now is not over her death, nor how she mistreated me at times, but over how my siblings could treat me much worse than my mother ever did. If I am ever to go fully no contact with my siblings, than I will heal, and cherish the good times with them, while safely loving them for a distance. I love my siblings and they hate me. I am capable of love and they are not. So sad, yet I am very grateful that I am different from them. Do you ever think about how different you are from your mother?

[zachira]

Methuen,
Yes, many mixed emotions. The rest of the day was one of peace as were the next couple of days. I am now tackling the tasks I have set before me, and today I am feeling angry. I just so want to be done with my siblings, and I fear what horrible things they will do next, as they always escalate their mistreatment of me any time I try to set healthy boundaries with them. I will go to the park later, do some meditation, and get back into feeling sane and happy again. Thank you for replying and caring.

[zachira]

GaGrl,
I think I know how my sister will react to the lawyer. I emailed my sister last week asking to buy the cottage. I had talked with an attorney prior to this about representing us both for the sale. The response I got back from my sister was a long list of demands for my buying the cottage, most of which were unreasonable and some illegal. I immediately contacted the attorney to cancel his representing us. Shortly after that my sister emailed that attorney talking about how flexible she is and how unreasonable I am, with her demands for selling the cottage to me in an attachment. If the attorney actually read both my sister's email to him and the one to me, he surely experienced dealing with two different versions of my sister: the one who treats me with abject cruelty and the one who tries to appear like an easy person to deal with which is just a facade for her NPD.
You and others have told me several times I need my own lawyer. You are absolutely right. My sister is just playing games, and having the same lawyer would mean I get played and my interests do not get represented, never mind a costly mostly needless lawyer's bill.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You really get how the two sides of the presentation of a person with a personality disorder can play out depending on the situations and the people they are interacting with.
My sister will likely treat my lawyer better than she treats me, though there is no guarantee, as she frequently blows up at me in front of people we barely know.

[zachira]

Formflier,
I always appreciate your support. Thank you.

[madeline7]

Hi Zachira,
The answer to your question is YES. Frequently I think about how different i am than my mother. Even when she is not dysregulating, I definitely take after my Dad, not only in terms of looks but temperament. Here's a great example  of how my Mom works. When she was in the hospital, I brought her a care package (she had not asked for it, I was just being thoughtful). Rather than saying "thank you", she said "I must have done something right. I must have been a good Mother". She took all the credit. My act of kindness was all about her. She continues to see me as only being there to serve her needs, be her dumping ground, or when I am being "kind", to make "her" look good. She is so narcissitic, but that is a benign and funny story. Most of her behaviors are her manipulative and mean, and i am the opposite. I try to think of others and am generally an optimistic happy person (unless i am knee deep in her BS). I am grateful for my outlook on life, I do have compassion for her that her life is just so miserable.

[Methuen]

Rather than saying "thank you", she said "I must have done something right. I must have been a good Mother".

OMG Madeleine7!  This made me laugh!  My mother has said these EXACT words, on more than 1 occasion when I too have done something nice she wasn't already expecting.  Unbelievable!

[zachira]

Madeline7,
I hope it helps when you think about the ways you are different from your mother and how you would never treat another person the way your mother treats you. You are a kind and compassionate person.
I recently figured out that my sister has NPD not BPD. It really helps me to make this distinction, so I know better how to deal with my sister. Many people have both BPD and NPD. Has your mother ever been genuinely kind to you? My mother with BPD did many kind generous things for me when she was not emotionally dysregulating. I am able to appreciate so much of the good about her now that she has passed away, and to forgive how cruel and uncaring she could be. I now have compassion for how awful my mother must have felt inside most of the time. I am trying to have compassion for my siblings. With my sister, it is nearly impossible because she is currently out to destroy me. My brother is capable of empathy at times, and my sister is unable to have empathy for anybody, though sometimes she does nice things for people.

[zachira]

I have had a discussion with our accountant about how owning the cottage with my sister affects our having to do taxes together. Apparently he only needs one signature to file our taxes. In the past, my sister has approved taxes being filed that were inaccurate and would have led to big fines if the IRS and states did a thorough audit. I have intervened every time, and the accountants have been professional intermediaries, and the taxes were filed correctly in the end. This time, the accountant has agreed he will not file the taxes even though he has the signed form from my sister until I have reviewed the taxes to make sure the taxes are correct. Earlier in the year, my sister got mad and sent the accountant inaccurate false information and lied saying I had approved what she was sending. This accountant really understands the situation and has helped me in the past. I was able to ask him at one point about the lawyers dealing with mom's estate with whom he has worked with a great deal on different matters. He reassured me that they are honest ethical people. I went back and read over the correspondance from both lawyers, and figured out that my brother was refusing to do what was written about dividing up mom's things, and the lawyers had done everything they could to get him to follow mom's will. This was when I agreed to just take cash instead of trying to get any of mom's things.
I am in the process of letting people who need to know what is going on with my siblings. I am doing my best not to vent, and just give them the facts they need to know. Some of my cousins now know I have been physically abused by my sister, and will give me an emergency safe place to stay if I need it.I have also talked with some people in the community where we have the cottage about the abuse.
My sister has run a terrible smear campaign against me since I was a child. I need to clarify things like important matters with the tax accountant and the lawyers representing my mother's estate, which I have done, when necessary. I am also getting the word out in the community about the abuse, though keeping what I have to say brief, and choosing to share with people who will listen. I am feeling empowered, and am already seeing that I don't have to be a silent doormat to lifelong family abuse. My body is breathing and I am at peace as I write this. I am so grateful to all the people who have been kind to me, and been there for me since I was a small child. I don't know where I would be today without these people.

[Harri]

How are you doing today Z?

[formflier]

Hey Z..I'm thinking of you also.  What a tough thing to have to continually deal with...hang in there.  You are on the path to freedom!

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Harri,
Thanks for asking. Today I am in a so so mood, neither up nor down. I am dealing with all the mistakes on the taxes with the accountant which is frustrating. I am also going through years of correspondance, throwing out much of it, while keeping the letter and cards that mean a lot to me. The mushy cards from my sister are in the trash. It is a big step for me to be able to throw them away.
Overall, I am taking action on the things I need to get done to move on, and not dwelling so much on my sadness and anger. Since I have made some concrete plans on how to go forward, I am venting less and doing more of what I have to do to see light at the end of the tunnel.
How are you?

[zachira]

Formflier,
Thank you for dropping in. I realize I am one of many members here who fight to keep their heads up while going forward in freeing themselves from their dysfunctional family members. Some of us get there eventually, with little or no contact with the disordered family members who have hurt us so much, while being in a pretty good place most of the time.

[formflier]

You can do it and I think you will be much more relaxed.

I don't often talk about it, but years ago I made the decision to be estranged (mostly) from my in-laws (long story...I can tell it if it could help)

Anyway..wow, my life is so much simpler.  I had a year or so of no contact and now its very infrequent and usually by text.   Something logistical usually.

I made my choices and the rest of my family can make their choices about who they do and don't hang out with.

Yes..ignorance can be  bliss...I'm living proof! 

Again..you can do this...we've got you on this!

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Formflier,
Thank you for sharing about your in-laws. I do think it is sometimes easier when we don't realize what is going on with the disordered people in our lives until they show their worst side and/or until we figure it out. Having done so much therapy and work on being surrounded by disordered family members, I find myself just desperate at times to get away from these people, and with my siblings I can't go fully no contact until all the jointly owned properties are sold if it ever happens. In the meantime, I am enjoying a lot of peace most of the time because I am over my need to be accepted by people who are similar to my disordered family members. I now feel worthy of genuinely fine people, and it shows considering what kinds of friends I have these days. I always appreciate your responding. Thank you for taking the time.

[GaGrl]

I'm not saying my dad's family was a model of healthy family function, but compared to my mother's step-mother and what transpired from that...wow!

Anyway, I am so grateful from having been protected from the worst of the dysfunction. Although I was never fully in it, I can so relate to your struggles.

You are doing an awesome job.

My mother decided against contesting her father's will,which was a new will signed n the hospital when he had been diagnosed with Alzheimers. I would have made a different decision...but not mine to make. Mother needed the peace and resolution of having her stepmother out of her life.

SGM spent weeks on life support at the end... because no one would take responsibility for the decision, and she had never legally adopted my mother. We had to stand by and let the legalities play out. So sad...yet I felt no deep sorrow.

[JNChell]

Hello, zachira. I'm jumping in here, but I agree with you and your sis having different lawyers. Having the same lawyer is having the same parental stuff again. Your sister is manipulating the situation. Sorry to be blunt, it just makes sense.

My grief now is not over her death, nor how she mistreated me at times, but over how my siblings could treat me much worse than my mother ever did.

I'm sorry that this is happening for you. Maybe it's another step, though. A hard one. You know why your siblings are the way that they are. I think that you're overlooking a very important aspect in all of this. It ends with you. Just saying, you don't talk about that much. Deal with your siblings until you don't have to anymore. Decide what has real purpose in your life. What has value and what lines up with your virtues. Is it worth going up against people that have no values or virtues? People that won't stop for the simple fact of winning? This could become very drawn out, expensive and more hurtful. Just a thought.

[GaGrl]

WTO has an important point here...I

It can end with you.

No more.

[zachira]

It can only end until I have no more joint property with my siblings and the estate is settled. Until than, I have to pick my battles while letting most things go. For example, I cannot allow my sister to say I approved the financial statement she sent to the tax accountant  when she sent him a lot of misinformation and omissions.

[zachira]

JNChell,
I agree with you that hiring a lawyer could get very expensive and become a long drawn out legal battle. Before hiring a lawyer, if indeed I do, I will be looking at what chances I have of getting what I am seeking, and what the emotional and financial costs could be.
I feel like I am playing a poisonous game with my siblings. They are seeking conflict and control. I am seeking peace. Peace is likely going to mean giving up a lot more, and at times, I feel like I am losing. Right now, I am mostly at peace, though frustrated that I may be owning properties with my siblings until I die. I certainly hope not.

[zachira]

I have read several of Bill Eddy's books. I have just started "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes". It seems to be by far his best book. It really stresses the blind determination of high conflict people to win, and how those of us who are seeking a resolution to problems often can't manage the determination of the high conflict people to win at any cost.

[Harri]

This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345457.msg13116563#msg13116563

Thank you.