Gratitude and fear of abandonment

[Zabava]

Hi

It's been a while since I posted here.  I have been quarantined with my husband and kids since March 13th...almost four months.  This time has been very hard but at the same time I am so blessed that my family is healthy and we have a home.  

I have realized how much my family loves me during this time but at the same time i have terrible anxiety.  I have real8zed that I hold back with my family because I am scared of rejection.  Can anyone relate?  I think I feel bad on some level for loving my husband and kids more than my bpd mum. 

I have tried to build the family life I never had...I am scared I don't deserve it because of things I have done. 

[JNChell]

Hello, Zabava. I think that the Covid-19 situation has been pretty rough on most people, but your situation sounds especially difficult. It sounds like you might benefit from having some personal space to breathe and unwind, but that’s hard if not impossible to do right now. I’m sorry that you’re feeling stuck in a situation that you need space from. I can only imagine that it’s triggering for you.

It’s ok to have the thoughts and feelings that you’re experiencing. Like many of your friends here, anxiety is something that you’re learning to manage, and it can be a real  to deal with. When you feel these intense feelings, the anxiety, who does it always lead back to? What is the source of it? How do you view it?

You are blessed to be able to spend this time with your family. I’m happy for you. From what you’ve described, it sounds very fruitful.

This is just my POV, but I think that you should cut yourself some slack and shed the guilt that you’re feeling for putting you and your family first. It’s YOUR family. Something your mum should’ve prepared you for as a parent. The reality is that she didn’t. Your peers here relate with you and are here for you.

Be with the family that you’ve helped to build and be proud of that. They are your foundation and you are their’s.

Anxiety is unfortunately a very real symptom of an abusive upbringing. We can be re-traumatized over and over by allowing our abusers access to our wounds as adults. There is no way we can heal if we allow ourselves and our wounds to be vulnerable to those that hurt us.

[Zabava]

Thanks JNChell,

God bless you for your kind words.  I try hard to feel worthy, but I feel tremendous guilt and shame about the time I have spent in depression and and anxiety and wanting to escape my life.  

I am doing a course on child abuse as part of my early childhood educator program and it has hit me hard.  I realized that I showed many of the signs of abuse growing up...running away at 9 and 11.  Coming to school high and drunk at 14...being withdrawn and depressed.

And noone reported to cps.  Not even the principal of my elementary school where my mom showed up to a meeting with a black eye.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this...the 70s and 80s were a different time.  But it hurts to know that maybe it could have been different if someone had helped.

Did anyone ever intervene when you were a child?

Re covid:  I am so privileged and blessed to be safe and sound with my family.  I hope you and yours are safe and well.

[JNChell]

Nobody ever intervened on my part either. I can remember dropping subtle hints at school. From what my mom said, there was a meeting but nothing came of it.

While Sis and I were cleaning out mom and dad’s house, I found a project of mine from school. From the obscurity of it, I’d have to say that it’s from first grade or somewhere close to that timeline. It’s construction paper that is stapled together like a book. A binding. Each page has a crayon drawing and words written by me to describe the drawing. One page was expressing the fact that my dad wouldn’t let me help him with a yard project and I felt rejected by him. The more frightening one was a drawing of war machines and people being killed. What I wrote on that page is the most alarming part. I wrote “fear JNChell”.  I’m not that person, but it’s disturbing and eye opening to see where I was as a child. That was a school assignment. It was turned in to my teacher. It had to have been made in class. If it was made at home, I can’t see my parents allowing it. I keep it in a memory box. Along with the picture of my dad tipping a cup of beer to my mouth while I was in a playpen.

Guilt and shame are things that we have to figure out how to deal with, and that isn’t fair. Those two things breed anxiety in a way that most people will never know. That’s a good thing. I wouldn’t wish this  on anyone.

It sounds like your studies are really hitting home with you. Does that fact give you motivation or pause? Maybe something else? You know, once the flood gates are open, there’s really no going back. We know too much to turn a blind eye, and some of the answers that we seek are in that flood.

My Sis and I have helped each other to gradually unwind the riddle of our childhoods. Family histories, patterns, trauma and everything that follows those things if they’re left unchecked and unnoticed. But you’re not there. You’re very aware of your life and your history. The decision now is what to do with the knowledge that you possess.

You love your family but you’re haunted by your past. You always will be, but you have the power to decide how much of that you allow. I’m not minimizing what you went through as a child. Believe me. I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’m in the trenches with you. Maybe it would be helpful for you to shift your focus and try to see the positive things in your life...starting with you. You are pushing forward and bettering yourself. I pray that you can see that for what it is and be proud of yourself for pushing through so much adversity.

No. No one ever intervened for me. My home life was my normal. I didn’t know any better as a youngster. Fortunately, albeit later in life, there are resources available that are helping us to figure those things out.

Zabava, you’re a good person and it’s time for you to embrace that fact. You are not what was done to you. You are the person that you see when you sit with yourself and think about moving forward. I hope that makes sense.

[Zabava]

Thanks for your insight JNChell.  I am glad you are able to talk to your sister about your childhood.  I am taking baby steps in this direction with my sis

I relate to finding artifacts from childhood.  My mother kept a story I wrote about a bad girl little girl drowning after being impaled by coral.  The little girl was saved by Jesus and went to Heaven.  She has no concept...I think I wrote that story to express my sense of guilt and my wish for rescue.

 I will reflect on your response.  Thanks for being so supportive.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry if my post was too much.

[Zabava]

Wtl,

Not at all too much.  It's just me and my neurosis.  I think you are further along on your journey.  I am stuck in a shame spiral at the moment.

[JNChell]

Hey. I wouldn’t say that I’m farther along in my journey. I’m holed up at my sister’s place 2 states away from my home because I wasn’t feeling or functioning very well.

I’m sorry that the shame is at your doorstep right now. Sis and I have had a lot of conversations over the past month. Shame has been a big factor. It can help to talk about why you’re feeling bad about yourself. This is a safe place to do that if you want to. You know that.

What does it feel like for you to be in a shame spiral?

[Turkish]

What things have you done?
Or I would suspect, what things have you done that your mum shamed you for?

What you described were desperate behaviors as a child with no other recourse.

[Zabava]

A shame spiral feels like I am a very bad person and I don't deserve to feel better.  I think about all my attempts to cope with distress, running away, dissociating, promiscuity, substance abuse and despair.

I do sometimes feel good about surviving.  I know I have pushed through a lot.  I have realized during this pandemic that my family loves me and needs me.  This should make me happy, but instead I feel panic and guilt.

[Turkish]

That your family loves you and needs you is real to them.  Does it trigger you to receive such feelings of love? Do you believe that they love you and need you?

[JNChell]

Hey, Zabava. The ways that you dealt with everything aren't uncommon when it pertains to what you're describing. Is it possible that you're combining the shame that your parents put on you with the shame that you feel for taking actions to escape the abuse? I'm curious because these are two different things.

You did what you had to do. So many of us did. But, as you said, sometimes you feel good about surviving. Feeling good about surviving is a great place to set up camp and focus from. It can be a "center" to work from. A place to be grounded in until it's time to move on to another step.

The abuse has had an adverse affect on you. How could it not. The shame that the abuse created is with you. The abuse created it. You are not the abuse. You are Zabava. The shame that you're burdened with isn't yours to own. It belongs to people that hurt you. You're working hard at trying to figure all of this out and one day you'll realize that you've given all of that BS back to the people that own it. Your family loves you and you deserve that. You love them. Keep pushing forward.

Shame isn't with us when we're born. Shame is placed on us by the one's we trust the most when we're the most vulnerable. Do you ever discuss your past and your feelings with your family?

[wmm]

CPS interviewed my siblings and me as children after my mom attempted suicide but they did it within ear's reach of my parents so we were too scared to say anything. They left it after that.
I've felt anxious too. My therapist said that the feeling of being trapped in a house, even though it's not worth your parents, can be triggering. It can remind you of being trapped as a child.
I love my partner more than my mother. He had earned my love and I chose him. Your partner and children are your new nuclear family. It's understandable to feel such a huge love for them that you couldn't feel for others.
I also had to do courses in trauma in school. As someone with PTSD it was triggering but it was also useful. I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings. Are there some self care things you can do for yourself? Can you talk to your spouse about how you're feeling? If you can't I find it helpful to write in a journal about everything that's going on in my mind. You're not alone in your feelings.

[Zabava]

Thanks for the replies everyone,

My therapist suggested that shame is unresolved guilt.  She also asked me to separate my past actions from my character.  But don't our actions define us?  I wish I could believe in forgiveness, but I don't have enough faith.

[Zabava]

 Also WMM,

I'm sorry that nothing came of cps intervention.  My mum also threatened suicide and it was realky scary.

[JNChell]

My therapist suggested that shame is unresolved guilt.

I can agree with that to a point. Both feelings play off of the other. Maybe the guilt is a result of being shamed by the people that were supposed to protect you and raise you with love and warmth?

She also asked me to separate my past actions from my character.  But don't our actions define us?

No, they don’t. Not if we possess empathy, compassion, remorse and self awareness. Those values are  fuel for moving forward. Evolution is part of the human experience. That includes building character. Zabava, I did things while growing up that I still cry about. Feeling bad about doing those things is a good sign, though. It’s very important that we factor in our upbringing. It’s very important to compare how we were brought up to how we truly envision ourselves. It’s important to see the differences. Tell me if you can relate, but I see huge differences in the way that I raise and interact with my Son. I’m not the dad that raised me. You’re not your parents. Through all of the adversity that you experienced, you came out on top. Your inner critic is very strong.

Our parents scarred us personally and permanently. There is no changing that. But we have control over how much we let it affect us. It’s a choice and it becomes fairly easy once it’s embraced.

I know that you’re struggling and I’m sorry for that. I’ve shared TMI here at times, but I’ve always been met with support, understanding and good advice. Maybe it would be helpful for you to share some instances or memories that haunt you.

[JNChell]

And this song.

https://youtu.be/n7RopOgsh5c

[Zabava]

Thanks JNChell,

You made my day with that song.