Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:31:51 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Upsetting texts from mum.  (Read 381 times)
Brown_Eyes
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 2


« on: July 05, 2020, 06:27:59 PM »

Hello, first time poster!

I've been looking for some support for a while now so glad I found this group.

My mum has BPD, diagnosed when I was 30ish after my mum got so bad I had to take her to a psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night due to months of paranoia triggered by a cockroach infestation.

I was brought up by her in a single parent family. My grandparents died when I was 10 and my mum's siblings became estranged from us soon after.

I'm now 41 and have two children of my own. I also have my own health issues both physically and with General Anxiety Disorder. I also retrained to become a Counsellor in my late 30's.

I've come to a turning point where my tolerance for my mum is getting less and less. She loves us with all her heart but her her attacks can destabilise me badly and it's so difficult to deal with.

I've been supporting her over the past few days after a bad PTSD experience but today things have flipped and I'm suddenly being pocket apart for nothing.

I find these flips where she's so lovely and empathic to completely unempathic and attacking increasing hard to take as my journey of self-validation and understanding of BPD behaviour increase (she accepts the diagnosis but can't accept that she has the relational behaviour or the effect it has on people).

I had a tough, painful but happy day today and I've just received a text that just too much right now. I had to text back telling her that I'm shocked by her text and yes falling for needed to justify actions she was picking apart.

I'm getting to the point where I don't know if I can take much more of it but I also know that distancing myself from the relationship is impossible.

I do really love her and could never hurt her in this way, but feel trapped and helpless right now.
Logged
Choosinghope
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 97


« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2020, 08:22:09 PM »

Hi Brown_Eyes,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

First off, welcome to the board! It sounds like you have come to the right place. Most of us can understand all too well your frustrations, and I can speak from experience that this board has been crucial in navigating my past disastrous year with my uBPD mom. Please feel free to share what you are working with and what you need help with.

Excerpt
My mum has BPD, diagnosed when I was 30ish after my mum got so bad I had to take her to a psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night due to months of paranoia triggered by a cockroach infestation.
This part of your post jumped out at me and I had to laugh a bit. My mom isn't diagnosed, but oh boy, the infestations! As long as I can remember, she has been paranoid about scabbies, bats, cockroachs, mice, termites, lice and literally anything else. One summer, I was 20 and living with my parents in between semesters. My mom found a bed bug crawling on a coverlet in her room, and she freaked out. That started the year of the bed bugs. Of course, there was never confirmed to be any actual infestation, and the pest control man said that it was probably a lone bug that crawled out of someone's purse, but that didn't matter. She would come into everyone's room at night with flashlights and look for bugs while we were sleeping. She inspected all of us every single morning for any kind of bite or mark. It was insane how obsessed she become over it. She literally had us put all of our books in the oven to kill any bugs that might be living in them. That was 7 years ago, and her paranoia has only grown. She knows that she's obsessive, but is extremely defensive if anyone brings it up. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can definitely relate to that. I can see my that paranoia getting to her someday, sadly.

Excerpt
I'm getting to the point where I don't know if I can take much more of it but I also know that distancing myself from the relationship is impossible.
I do really love her and could never hurt her in this way, but feel trapped and helpless right now.

Ok, I am going to challenge you a bit here. You say that you feel trapped and helpless and like you are at a breaking point. That sounds like a pretty clear signal to me as an outsider that it is time for some self care. Your relationship with her, no matter how much you love her, is only one part of your life. She doesn't have the right or the ability to cause you to push yourself to unhealthy places, unless you allow her to. Why do you feel that distancing yourself is impossible? Knowing that there is a lot of space between full contact and no contact, is there anywhere that you can fall on that spectrum that would still be healthy for you and yet not completely break contact?
Logged
Brown_Eyes
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 05:39:59 AM »

Hey thanks for responding.

Yes that's where I think I'm at, trying to find my place on the spectrum.

But it's hard... Harder than just doing whatever she wants to keep her happy.

I think he feeling of hopelessness and trapped come from knowing that no matter how hard I try to hold boundaries and self care and deal with current episode. Then get some sort of level back. The next episode will come at some point. It's never, never just over and done with.
Trapped because if I want to have any sort of relationship (which I do) my own mental health is always going to be at the mercy of her flare ups.
The G.A.D is a result of years of being a child dealing with emotional attacks coming from nowhere and destroying my sence of self while growing into an adult.

But yes you are right. When I feel like this self-care is important, although she will use it against me saying that I'm selfish, self absorbed and not caring for her when she needs me.
As an act of self care after I wrote last night's post I turned off my phone. However this morning I wake and anxiety is through the roof knowing that this ain't over yet.

Looked at my phone and instead of lots of raging texts, I get one saying "you'll regret your words when I'm not here for you both". The both is her best friend who she is also raging against right now.
Logged
Choosinghope
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 97


« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 05:17:31 PM »

Brown_Eyes, yes, everything about this is hard. You are so strong for tackling this and fighting for yourself.

Excerpt
I think he feeling of hopelessness and trapped come from knowing that no matter how hard I try to hold boundaries and self care and deal with current episode. Then get some sort of level back. The next episode will come at some point. It's never, never just over and done with.
Trapped because if I want to have any sort of relationship (which I do) my own mental health is always going to be at the mercy of her flare ups.
I'm right there with you on this one. I've been waiting for the current episode to end for almost a year now. Just last week I finally got to the point of acceptance that I've been working towards. I realized that this will never end. I can survive this episode, but what about the next time my mom dysregulates? And then the next? What is the cost to me and my nuclear family to keep her happy? Getting to the point of accepting that this is, in fact, how it is and it never will change is painful but important.

My T has talked to me a lot about radical acceptance and grieving for my mom. She's not dead, but my version of who I want my mom to be is dead. Once I have grieved my loss of a mom, I am learning to radically accept the mom that I do have without seeking to change her. Basically, I am saying, "This is my mom, like it or not. I either learn to live with her or I don't. She'll never be anything but what she is." With that perspective, I can look at the relationship and anticipate that she will never stop doing things to hurt me, and I need to learn to love her even knowing that this will happen. I think that once you can reach that point, you might be able to gain more clarity about how to love her/have a relationship with her without sacrificing your mental health. The starting point on that journey is definitely boundaries, which is a whole different, but important(!), topic.

But you're right. It's hard. So hard.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged
Choosinghope
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 97


« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2020, 05:20:06 PM »

I forgot this point.
Excerpt
Looked at my phone and instead of lots of raging texts, I get one saying "you'll regret your words when I'm not here for you both".
I can only imagine the gut punch that text was to you, and I'm so sorry that someone you love is saying such hurtful things. My question to you is: If anyone else in your life had sent that text, how would you have reacted?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!