I'm sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you've been treated quite unfairly. As partners of people with BPD we accept that our significant others may not always act rationally. But generally the good times outweigh the bad and that's why we stick it out?

My question to you would be 'why do you want him back'? It sounds like he's been quite nasty and perhaps you might be better off looking elsewhere. I would ask yourself what your motivations are? Do you think that if you were together you would be able to change him? Make him realise what a wonderful person he is? Because you wont. That desire to change has to come from within.

I have spent the last eight months trying to help my suicidal girlfriend. I wake every morning to threats of suicide, threats to have me arrested for beating her (I don't), and spend hours and hours each day talking through her problems because she's quit therapy and cut everyone else out of her life. I beg her to restart therapy, I beg her to reach out to her friends and family. But she wont.

Why do I put up with this? Part of me knows she's in a bad place and I remember the amazing, smart, loving, fun woman I fell in love with. But I've been going through a lot of therapy myself in the wake of all this and realised I'm pre-programmed for this type of relationship. I grew up with a severely disabled father who was dependent on me. This relationship, having someone that relies on me, is just another perpetuation of the relationships I am used to.

But I have realised I cannot save my girlfriend. I cannot force her to get better. It has to come from her. In the same way, you cannot force your boyfriend to act kindly and rationally. You cannot force him back into the boy you fell in love with. That has to come from him. And if he is not in a place to get better then you need to ask yourself why you are staying? Because it sounds like its not very healthy for you...

I would also like to know what to except. Is there any chance that he would at least apologize to me? His bad episodes have never lasted that long and have not been so hostile, so makes me wonder... And did he mean that he never wanted to hear anything from me again? Is that common that they say that? It feels so absurd that he got mad at me for something so small and broke up with me...

I think it's hard to know what to expect in this situation. The behaviors you have described could come from someone with BPD or something else, actually. And as we know, BPD and other personality disorders are like shorthand and variation is still great within these categories.

For BPD, research has shown that over time certain traits are more likely to go into remission than others. I think one of the most likely to go into remission is unstable self-identity. In this regard, it might be good if your boyfriend has time by himself to develop that...of course, that's assuming that he has that in the first place.

So I guess what I am saying is that it's pretty hard to tell in this case what might happen. Even in a clinical setting what happens is clinicians use the methods most likely to work and hope for the best.

Just take care of yourself, and allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost. Do not blame yourself. A loss of a relationship is like a death, and you need to allow yourself to cry about that.

Just curious, do you guys fight about anything in particular, or are there recurring types of fights? Or is it more like random out of the blue really bad moods that he has?

Football2000: These situations are due to his random out of the blue bad moods. :/ I avoid conflicts until the last and I have never gone along with his dramas. When this situation started I just tried to calm him down and maybe he got triggered more because of that...? He may just suddenly get depressed and enraged about something completely insignificant (at least according to me).

Pakichu: Thank you for your words. Stay strong too. Is this the first time your BPD boyfriend left you? I would say that time helps and shows what is going to happen. One day at a time. Meanwhile, the most important thing for us is to try focus on ourselves.
And yes, I have tried to contact him. I have sent messages, in which I ask what is the situation and how is he, told that I still care about him and that I hope we could sort out this situation... He has either completely ignored me or answered something really nasty. Now I haven't heard from him in three weeks. Btw, what does that mean when he has unblocked me a few times, although he has said he does not want anything from me anymore? Has anyone experienced this? This uncertainty is torturous.

Pakichu: I know the feeling and I'm still in that vulnerable position and I feel broken almost all the time. It's really hard to distract yourself from thinking about that person. I've been there and still am but day by day has made it easier and I promise it to you too. It undeniably feels very awful when the person you love suddenly leaves and blocks you and gives no proper explanations...Talking to friends, reading discussions about the subject and getting peer support have helped me. Piece by piece start rebuilding yourself and try to enjoy your own life. Surely there was nothing wrong with you.

Maybe your boyfriend needs time and space? I feel like my boyfriend has gone farther away from me, because I've sent him those messages and they may have distressed him more if he doesn't feel well and wants to be alone now. :/ Nevertheless, the situation was not and is not fair to me and I hope he realizes it...

Pakichu: I don't know, maybe. I have been rejected a few times in the past. But not like this. This doesn't make any sense to me. :/ How can someone be so lovely and caring towards you and then tell you absolutely horrible things and block you everywhere? I have never been so hurt like this. My brain is trying so hard to deal with this situation :/ I understand that it is only the mental health problems that force him to hurt his loved ones, but... :/ I feel so mentally tired and emotionally drained...

I think it's normal that your ex spins in your mind when not much time has passed... And of course these situations feel very bad and your brain is trying to figure it all out... :/

Pakichu: Yes, it's important to find peer support. I will update if something happens. I hope you all the best too and also come to update if you feel like it.

Pakichu: What the heck? I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this! Remember, he just wants to hurt and provoke you. He's clearly in devaluation phase. Don't give him any attention.

My boyfriend also told me how our relationship is bullPLEASE READ and that I'm not a good girlfriend to him but maybe for someone else. All that after he had praised me. When I think about of all those nasty things he has said to me, I feel so much anger.

Yeah, not worth it when he has that phase going on. Let him live his life there and wonder if his behavior was wise.

I'm also afraid that my ex will send a message to me when I'm doing better. It feels so absurd that he could go on with his life after hurting me, so maybe he contacts me at some point... I just don't know how long that devaluation phase will take... Previous ''breakups'' have only lasted a couple of days. This has been a terrible emotional roller coaster.

Hey I just needed an advice.
So, I had gone out of contact from all of my friends for like 16 days. I deactivated my Facebook account as well. But today I thought I was ready to activate again and talk to my friends. But the thing is, me and my ex are a part of a friend group. I regret that now because it will change the whole pattern of our interaction with the group. Anyway, so Facebook has this horrible system now where you can see a person's message on a group chat even if they're blocked from your account. So, basically I can see all of his messages and he can see mine. Weirdly he talked a lot in the group during my absence and shared random links now and then. I'm assuming he was lonely. Anyway, today I sent a message to the group addressing one of my friends there. My ex had seen the message but after that he stopped seeing any messages of that group and didn't even talk in the group conversation the whole day. I know I'm the one he's trying to avoid so hard but it's kinda never possible as we have so many mutual friends and we're both in 2-3 of friends groups. I feel like I made a very uncomfortable situation for him, but at the same time I need to talk to people too. They are as much as my friends as his. All of us are more comfortable in talking in the group than individually with each other.  Any suggestions what I can do now? 

I can't believe how much it is hard for you to live without any trace of him and it's normal that you would be worried. But not sending a message is a better option. If he starts saying nasty things again you have to start everything from 0, which basically happened to me after the last message my ex sent me. As it is still very fresh so I'll suggest you to mourn but at the same time set some goals for yourself and measure how much you're achieving each day. At this point, I'm not going to give you any hope that he will come back. Because you and I are more or less in the same situation and that's how I feel. I won't deny the fact that I still do have hope but at the same time I have the worst case scenario in mind, which is him not ever coming back. It's hard to get productive having all these in mind. It's just always there in your mind. But you know what they say, time heals everything. I hope that time comes soon for both you and me. I'm glad I got to talk about it here and getting support from you.

Update: Today I was spending a nice summer day with my friend and I finally tried to enjoy things. But it all was clearly too much as I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. It felt like I was dying. This situation, especially this silent treatment, destroys my mental health completely.

How do I get my ex to realize his actions? How do I get him to come to even apologize? What can I do? I don't know how to cope with this. I cry as I write this. I'm so emotionally drained. There's nothing more horrible than feeling hated by a person you love. I have never cried this much.

Hey FlightFar,

I also appreciate the fact that you decided to spend time with your friend. It's totally fine that you felt so anxious, I'm sure your friend understood. Eventually we all have to go out and socialize again( I'm assuming lockdown is going on wherever you stay). What I'm suggesting is, these are some baby steps. And I feel very happy that you took it.

I totally understand that a lot of questions are coming through your mind. Same goes for myself. I think Football2000 made a very good point. In the future if you feel like you want a closure, do not hesitate to write to him. People are different. Some are okay with no closure, some are not. It gets hard when your partner is the opposite of you and it's more painful because you can't do anything about it. In the meantime, I'll suggest you to question them to yourself and write them down, have meaningful conversation with yourself. Also stay hydrated and take care of yourself.   

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