Help with getting past a long term relationship w/BPD

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I was in a dysfunctional relationship with my now ex-wife for almost 12 years. We experienced many episodes of break up/make up. 4 times in fact - each time leaving me more and more bewildered, confused and hurt. It seemed that each time we tried to reconcile her abuse, resentment and what seemed like hatred toward me got worse and worse. This last time I finally had the courage to end it although its been less than a week and the wound is still very fresh. Continuous rumination of where it all might have gone wrong has been unbearable. I have been blamed for the entire erosion of the marriage, and I feel I need to take some responsibility but not all as my ex makes me feel. I've researched and read all I can about BPD. I don't understand why I feel such longings for her when there was so much hurt. i want t feel better soon.

[Skedge2100]

I was in a dysfunctional relationship with my now ex-wife for almost 12 years. We experienced many episodes of break up/make up. 4 times in fact - each time leaving me more and more bewildered, confused and hurt. It seemed that each time we tried to reconcile her abuse, resentment and what seemed like hatred toward me got worse and worse. This last time I finally had the courage to end it although its been less than a week and the wound is still very fresh. Continuous rumination of where it all might have gone wrong has been unbearable. I have been blamed for the entire erosion of the marriage, and I feel I need to take some responsibility but not all as my ex makes me feel. I've researched and read all I can about BPD. I don't understand why I feel such longings for her when there was so much hurt. i want t feel better soon.

[brighter future]

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I was married to a woman with BPD and a whole host of other mental health disorders for six years. During our marriage, she hated her parents for her upbringing and also for the uncle that abused her. When our marriage went South, she hated me for everything then her parents became golden. Her destructive behavior and mental illness began to affect me and our daughter so severely, that I ended up leaving her. Just before she was discharged from an inpatient treatment center, she told me that she was "going to make me pay" when she returned home. Needless to say I didn't stick around to see how she was going to make me pay. So, I took our daughter and ran, then had my attorney file a petition for sole temporary custody which I won in court. My ex-wife is functioning better but still undergoes extensive psychotherapy and takes a lengthy list of medications. She goes through periods where she is unreasonable and somewhat combative with me. She's been dating a guy for 8 months or so, so I think she's more focused on him right now, so that takes the focus off of me somewhat.

I got out of a relationship (ex-girlfriend) with another possible BPD woman. My therapist thinks she is BPD based on me describing her behavior and also reading text and email messages. We dated for close to two years, and she broke it off with me nearly 3 months ago because it was taking me too long to propose to her. I was given the ultimatum, "Either ask me to marry you or I'm out. What are you afraid of?" I knew she had serious emotional issues and had been begging for help only to deny it  a short time later. This occurred multiple times during the time we were together. I told her my hangup was the fact that she wouldn't get professional help to try and improve her mental health and also the fact that she wouldn't get help for her children that have severe emotional issues. She told me that counselors don't work for her, and that's just the way she is. Long story short, two weeks after she left me, she was rebounding with the guy she rebounded with after she left her ex-husband who was an old friend from high school nearly 20 years ago. Two  years ago, she described this guy to me as "a rebound that she had no feelings for, he's just a friend. That relationship was unhealthy for both of us." Then she proceeded to tell me that he was one of four men that approached her after she left her husband and "asked her to do things that made her feel uncomfortable" and that I was only one of two men in her life that never tried to take advantage of her sexually. Since she's gone back to that, it makes me wonder if that's how she prefers to be treated.

My ex-girlfriend also blamed me for the erosion of our relationship at the breakup because I wouldn't ask her to marry me until she sorted out her issues. She put a huge guilt trip on me and said that "I dragged her down and no longer made her happy" among other things. There was no ownership on her part whatsoever. I went from being the "man of her dreams" and the "best guy she ever dated" to a pile of crap pretty much the next day.   I've learned through my therapy that due to her issues, she's not capable of a meaningful and lasting relationship. What she's got going with this new guy isn't going to last either until she recognizes her issues and deals with them head on.

Like you, I miss her terribly even though there was so much hurt, especially for the good times we had. I truly loved this girl.  I believe that we could have had something special and lasting if she was healthy  Now that I've been out of the relationship for close to 3 months, I see things so much clearer than I did while I was with her and immediately after things ended. My therapist told me, "You've been given a blessing. You have been set free from all of this sadness and mental illness that she refuses to deal with. Don't refer to it as "getting dumped".  Simply tell yourself that you have been set free from an unhealthy relationship and that a brighter future is ahead for you." I have to tell myself this several times a day sometimes.  The biggest thing I'm having issues with now is the fact that both of her kids are left behind in that mess with her, and they are suffering. Now I'm working on trying to break this unhealthy cycle in my relationships by trying to figure out why I'm drawn to the caretaker role and getting involved in codependent relationships.  

Best wishes to you and for continued healing as well! This forum has helped me so much in addition to my weekly individual therapy sessions. Keep moving forward, and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. It's been one of the best things that I've done for myself and my child as well.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Skedge, Welcome!  Your feelings are normal and to be expected in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD.  I suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to act on them.  What makes you think your Ex suffers from BPD?  How did you figure it out?  I admire your courage to leave, which is challenging on many levels.  I suggest you be prepared for a dose of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD attempts to control a Non.  Your task is to avoid engaging with her and, instead, to rise above the fray.

Feel free to pose any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Skedge2100]

Thanks to the both of you for your replies. So very insightful.

Thanks for the very warm welcomes.

What makes you think your Ex suffers from BPD?  How did you figure it out? 

I've been pouring over literature for about 2 years now after my Therapist told me that's what she thought my wife had...(BPD) and then just by chance I came across an article in Reddit.com

Stages of a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder

It essentially tells the whole story of how the illness progresses once the unwitting person is found. This story was an EXACT narrative of that of my own. The similarities were uncanny and I myself could not have written a more accurate picture of what I've gone through these last 11 years. I'd encourage anyone to read it - very enlightening. It essentially helped me understand that I wasn't crazy after all and many people experience the same "stages".

I admire your courage to leave, which is challenging on many levels. 

Well this was my 3rd attempt. I failed the first two as she charmed me back successfully. I suggest you be prepared for a dose of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD attempts to control a Non.  Your task is to avoid engaging with her and, instead, to rise above the fray.

Feel free to pose any particular questions.

Can you explain to me please how my EX BPD will attempt to control me with a dose of F-O-G?

LuckyJim
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[Lucky Jim]

Can you explain to me please how my EX BPD will attempt to control me with a dose of F-O-G?

Hey Skedge,  I mean that, when the fear of abandonment kicks in, a pwBPD will often try to manipulate you in order to get what he/she wants.  You say she "charmed" you back in the past.  If you think back, you will likely find attempts to twist your arm, which apparently worked the two prior times.

Forewarned is forearmed; be prepared for an influx of "Fear, Obligation and/or Guilt"!

LJ

 

[Football2000]

I understand where you're coming from. It is true that you have to take responsibility for what happened. We are not perfect, and you will have some responsibility. However, what is not healthy is when the other person manipulates you into taking all the responsibility. I am in that phase now myself.

[Lucky Jim]

We are not perfect, and you will have some responsibility. However, what is not healthy is when the other person manipulates you into taking all the responsibility. I am in that phase now myself.

Right, Football2000.  Those w/BPD are experts at blame-shifting, because it gets the issues off their plate and onto that of the Non.  Also, those w/BPD are loathe to take responsibility for their own misdeeds, which is why they view the Non as the "cause" of their problems.  Your task is to decline to shoulder all the blame.

LJ

[Skedge2100]

Hey Folks...It's funny, my friends are all telling me that I'm going to take at least one more kick in the can on this one if she gives me the opportunity. That seems highly unlikely to me. My strategy is to get the rest of my stuff out of our shared house trying to be cordial and then put her on NO CONTACT. But, I'm also hearing that that may not be a good idea and as long as things are cordial (which they are) I should not use the NO CONTACT strategy because it apparently can send an exBPD into orbit if she cant reach me despite the fact that she broke it off. Thoughts?

[Skedge2100]

And another thing...I hear a lot of references to "Dream Man". One of my exbpd's last message to me was (amongst a whole lot of other really bad names) that she was going to find her "Dream Man" (because clearly I wasn't him). This Dream Man was going to keep her "safe" and happy for the rest of her life. I get the "safe" part as their worst fear is to be rejected and/or abandoned so safe is important but "Dream Man"?

[Goosey]

May be a “soulmate” substitute.