I just wish she understood the effect it has had on my sister and me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I found this site after yet another conflict with my BPD mom. For context, I am currently living with her due to the pandemic (I had to leave college a couple of months ago and my dorm there). It has been difficult, but it's gotten better over the last few weeks. However, yesterday was rough. Okay, some background first: I've been really sleepy lately. There are birds outside my window that chirp incessantly. I started using ear plugs (they help a little). I also have C-PTSD and need a lot of time to myself for self-care and emotional recentering. Plus, I have IBS and spend more time in the bathroom than the average person. My mom knows all of this. The other day, while I was relaxing in my room, she came in and "confronted" me about having bulimia. I told her I was not bulimic. She said that I seem down and spend a lot of time in the bathroom (she knows I have IBS), and that she found mucus on the toilet seat. I don't know what that mucus-like substance was (frankly, I don't want to know..that's gross). Her other proof--I don't eat much during the day and then I eat two bowls of cereal at a time and go to the bathroom. I'm a college student--my eating schedule is PLEASE READed up. I don't take the best care of myself (forgetting to eat until I'm really hungry), but that doesn't mean I have bulimia! I'm really lucky to not have to deal with body dysmorphia. I said all that. In a moment of anger, I asked her to stop talking about this with me and that I needed to establish boundaries. I said I thought she was projecting her own stuff onto me (she had bulimia when she was younger and it is still a big source of shame for her). She became angry and started talking about "not wanting to push things under the rug" and that it's her house and she wants to know what goes on in it. I don't think the interaction would've bothered me as much if she was coming from a place of love and concern, but it was more on the accusatory and "I caught you!" end of the spectrum. I'm going to spend a few days with my sister. When I told my mom last night, she accused me of always running away from conflict. But I think of it more as taking care of my mental health. Being around her can be really difficult. She grumps around, acting like my presence is a nuisance. Everything with her is blown out of proportion. I'm just really tired of this. :p Oh, more context--this isn't the first time she's suspected me or my sister of having bulimia. In middle school, she was convinced one of us had it (neither us of did). These episodes of paranoia have happened before. Another example--in middle school, she was convinced our duplex neighbors stole our cat on the limited evidence that they had a cat carrier on their porch. Oh, and she became obsessed with the idea of having bed bugs, so she stripped the whole house of all potentially infected items, washing them everyday. She also thought someone snuck into our house and clipped the fringe off our rug (no one did). I understand that what she's dealing with is a mental illness. I just wish she understood the effect it has had on my sister and me.

[bunnycat465]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I found this site after yet another conflict with my BPD mom. For context, I am currently living with her due to the pandemic (I had to leave college a couple of months ago and my dorm there). It has been difficult, but it's gotten better over the last few weeks. However, yesterday was rough. Okay, some background first: I've been really sleepy lately. There are birds outside my window that chirp incessantly. I started using ear plugs (they help a little). I also have C-PTSD and need a lot of time to myself for self-care and emotional recentering. Plus, I have IBS and spend more time in the bathroom than the average person. My mom knows all of this. The other day, while I was relaxing in my room, she came in and "confronted" me about having bulimia. I told her I was not bulimic. She said that I seem down and spend a lot of time in the bathroom (she knows I have IBS), and that she found mucus on the toilet seat. I don't know what that mucus-like substance was (frankly, I don't want to know..that's gross). Her other proof--I don't eat much during the day and then I eat two bowls of cereal at a time and go to the bathroom. I'm a college student--my eating schedule is PLEASE READed up. I don't take the best care of myself (forgetting to eat until I'm really hungry), but that doesn't mean I have bulimia! I'm really lucky to not have to deal with body dysmorphia. I said all that. In a moment of anger, I asked her to stop talking about this with me and that I needed to establish boundaries. I said I thought she was projecting her own stuff onto me (she had bulimia when she was younger and it is still a big source of shame for her). She became angry and started talking about "not wanting to push things under the rug" and that it's her house and she wants to know what goes on in it. I don't think the interaction would've bothered me as much if she was coming from a place of love and concern, but it was more on the accusatory and "I caught you!" end of the spectrum. I'm going to spend a few days with my sister. When I told my mom last night, she accused me of always running away from conflict. But I think of it more as taking care of my mental health. Being around her can be really difficult. She grumps around, acting like my presence is a nuisance. Everything with her is blown out of proportion. I'm just really tired of this. :p Oh, more context--this isn't the first time she's suspected me or my sister of having bulimia. In middle school, she was convinced one of us had it (neither us of did). These episodes of paranoia have happened before. Another example--in middle school, she was convinced our duplex neighbors stole our cat on the limited evidence that they had a cat carrier on their porch. Oh, and she became obsessed with the idea of having bed bugs, so she stripped the whole house of all potentially infected items, washing them everyday. She also thought someone snuck into our house and clipped the fringe off our rug (no one did). I understand that what she's dealing with is a mental illness. I just wish she understood the effect it has had on my sister and me.

[bunnycat465]

Also, I forgot to add that my mom acted like I was the cause of the conflict. When she "confronted" me earlier, she said, "Well, I don't want to be talking about this either!" And when I said I didn't have it, she said, "Good, but that's what someone would say who actually had it."

[Choosinghope]

Hi and welcome! 

I'm glad that you've found this forum. It really is a wonderful place to gain tools and knowledge that can help you with your relationship with your pwBPD. I'm really bad about sharing links, but I know that there are a bunch of good resources on this site that can give you some strategies, information, and tools that will help you on your healing journey, whatever that looks like. I would encourage you to look around and do some reading. Again, I'm bad at links, but I would suggest looking at using SET responses with your mom. That might be really helpful in your situation.

The other day, while I was relaxing in my room, she came in and "confronted" me about having bulimia. I told her I was not bulimic. And when I said I didn't have it, she said, "Good, but that's what someone would say who actually had it."

This sounds sadly familiar. Just off the top of my head, I remember my mom confronting me about having rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, anorexia, a hormone imbalance and being brainwashed (none of these are true). At the time, I had no idea of what was going on, and thankfully I understand a bit better now. It sounds like your mom does care about you quite a bit, but is very blinded by fear. Something I have noticed in my own situation is that my mom will pick out one small thing that is said or done and blow it out of proportion, as you said. Me saying that I am really thirsty all the time resulted in her looking up diabetes and calling doctors to make me an appointment (I was 24 at the time). The really frustrating thing is that once she gets something in her head (e.g. I have diabetes), it becomes a solid truth that nothing will shake. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing, and I can empathize with just how incredibly difficult this all is. I can definitely even relate to the bed bug situation, which I have dealt with ad nauseum. 

I'm not sure exactly what it is you want to work on, but here are some pieces of wisdom I've gained over the last 9 months that are a good place to start. First, your mom is who she is, and she is not going to change. When I first started counseling, I learned about radical acceptance, which is basically just accepting the situation exactly as it is without having any expectation that it will change. Learn to accept the mom that you have and not the mom that you wish you had (so much easier said than done). I always tried so hard to change my mom and make her "better." I cannot emphasize enough that you cannot change her, and any attempts to do so will only make things worse.

I just wish she understood the effect it has had on my sister and me.

Honestly, she probably won't ever be able to do this. PwBPD really struggle with empathy, putting themselves in another person's shoes. The best advice I have is to not take anything she says personally and to learn to emotionally detach from her in the kindest way you can. If your mom is convinced that you have bulimia, she is free to think that. But you don't have to listen to or believe what she is saying about it. A simple, "I'm sad to hear you think that Mom, but it is still not true" will suffice. Her beliefs and feelings don't need to become your reality or responsibility. 

Which leads me to my last point of JADE (Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain). When people tell us things that aren't true, we automatically start to JADE in some way to defend ourselves (e.g. that's not what I meant, that's not true, etc.). No one likes hearing things about them that aren't true. But, with someone like your mom who is so entrenched in her beliefs, this type of response will really only make the situation worse. The example I gave above demonstrates direct communication that acknowledges the concern but doesn't validate it. This type of situation is where SET would really work well. Just remind yourself that you aren't going to be able to convince her through any "magic words," and the more you try, the further down the rabbit hole you end up.

I gave you some very general suggestions here. Is there anything more specific that you want to work on?

[bunnycat465]

Hi and welcome! 

I'm glad that you've found this forum. It really is a wonderful place to gain tools and knowledge that can help you with your relationship with your pwBPD. I'm really bad about sharing links, but I know that there are a bunch of good resources on this site that can give you some strategies, information, and tools that will help you on your healing journey, whatever that looks like. I would encourage you to look around and do some reading. Again, I'm bad at links, but I would suggest looking at using SET responses with your mom. That might be really helpful in your situation.
This sounds sadly familiar. Just off the top of my head, I remember my mom confronting me about having rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, anorexia, a hormone imbalance and being brainwashed (none of these are true). At the time, I had no idea of what was going on, and thankfully I understand a bit better now. It sounds like your mom does care about you quite a bit, but is very blinded by fear. Something I have noticed in my own situation is that my mom will pick out one small thing that is said or done and blow it out of proportion, as you said. Me saying that I am really thirsty all the time resulted in her looking up diabetes and calling doctors to make me an appointment (I was 24 at the time). The really frustrating thing is that once she gets something in her head (e.g. I have diabetes), it becomes a solid truth that nothing will shake. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing, and I can empathize with just how incredibly difficult this all is. I can definitely even relate to the bed bug situation, which I have dealt with ad nauseum. 

I'm not sure exactly what it is you want to work on, but here are some pieces of wisdom I've gained over the last 9 months that are a good place to start. First, your mom is who she is, and she is not going to change. When I first started counseling, I learned about radical acceptance, which is basically just accepting the situation exactly as it is without having any expectation that it will change. Learn to accept the mom that you have and not the mom that you wish you had (so much easier said than done). I always tried so hard to change my mom and make her "better." I cannot emphasize enough that you cannot change her, and any attempts to do so will only make things worse.
Honestly, she probably won't ever be able to do this. PwBPD really struggle with empathy, putting themselves in another person's shoes. The best advice I have is to not take anything she says personally and to learn to emotionally detach from her in the kindest way you can. If your mom is convinced that you have bulimia, she is free to think that. But you don't have to listen to or believe what she is saying about it. A simple, "I'm sad to hear you think that Mom, but it is still not true" will suffice. Her beliefs and feelings don't need to become your reality or responsibility. 

Which leads me to my last point of JADE (Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain). When people tell us things that aren't true, we automatically start to JADE in some way to defend ourselves (e.g. that's not what I meant, that's not true, etc.). No one likes hearing things about them that aren't true. But, with someone like your mom who is so entrenched in her beliefs, this type of response will really only make the situation worse. The example I gave above demonstrates direct communication that acknowledges the concern but doesn't validate it. This type of situation is where SET would really work well. Just remind yourself that you aren't going to be able to convince her through any "magic words," and the more you try, the further down the rabbit hole you end up.

I gave you some very general suggestions here. Is there anything more specific that you want to work on?

Thanks so much for the thoughtful words. I didn't have a plan for what I wanted to work on (wrote this in a small rage, haha), but your post has actually pointed me in a helpful direction! I didn't realize my own responses were contributing to the conflict (as in the JADE example you mentioned), though it seems a bit obvious now. I'll try the "I'm sad...but it still is not true." It can be difficult to maintain a level of composure around someone who is accusing you, but I will do my best and give it a go! Thanks again for the validation and sympathy. It helps to know I'm not alone.