My First Post - Adult Daughter Has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello Everyone
I am the mother of a 24 year old daughter with BPD who is still living at home.  She's been in therapy for a couple of years, but still has struggles.  This last year has truly been a struggle for me.  It was one year ago that had her first suicide attempt.  In the past several several months she has decided that I do not care about her.  I have personally been pulling back for a couple of reasons; 1.  Because she depends so much on me for her emotional well being that it has taken such a tole on my mental
 and physical health. 2.  I want her to be able to use the skills I know she has acquired through therapy and DBT. 
Yesterday she texted me she wanted to die and it is my fault.  It is because after her recent graduation from college and her new employment I began making her pay $300 per month for rent.  She doesnt think she has to pay because she was out of town for a week.  I don't know how to respond to this.  She is also planning on moving out because I am considering reconciling with my ex husband.  She feels that I am making a choice between them.  I feel that if I do work things out with my ex, I will lose my daughter forever.

[issamom]

Hello Everyone
I am the mother of a 24 year old daughter with BPD who is still living at home.  She's been in therapy for a couple of years, but still has struggles.  This last year has truly been a struggle for me.  It was one year ago that had her first suicide attempt.  In the past several several months she has decided that I do not care about her.  I have personally been pulling back for a couple of reasons; 1.  Because she depends so much on me for her emotional well being that it has taken such a tole on my mental
 and physical health. 2.  I want her to be able to use the skills I know she has acquired through therapy and DBT. 
Yesterday she texted me she wanted to die and it is my fault.  It is because after her recent graduation from college and her new employment I began making her pay $300 per month for rent.  She doesnt think she has to pay because she was out of town for a week.  I don't know how to respond to this.  She is also planning on moving out because I am considering reconciling with my ex husband.  She feels that I am making a choice between them.  I feel that if I do work things out with my ex, I will lose my daughter forever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello to you, issamom

So sorry to read about your daughter's ongoing problems...so sorry to read that you feel you are being put into the position of choosing either her and your ex-partner.   We are just as important as our troubled children!   Our need for happiness is just as great as theirs and not to be sacrificed in order just to appease them.

You write that your daughter has been in therapy for a couple of years and that she has acquired skills through DBT.   Have you had the opportunity to go to counselling...get help in knowing how to support her as she works on honing those skills?   I can only imagine what a burden it must be on you if she continues to depend on you so much...a cycle that is hard to break...but a cycle that needs to be broken...for you...for her.

You also write..."she texted me...she wanted to die and it is my fault."  You continue on to say it is your fault.  No, NO!   If you once play into that kind of thinking she will use that tool over and over again to get her way...certainly no growth for her comes out of that kind of behaviour.   

Troubled or not, your daughter is a 24-year-old college graduate who, while living in your house, is working and pulling in a wage.  Of course she should be paying her way.  That is part and parcel of being a grown up...something you want for her.  She is threatening to move out if you do reconcile with your ex-husband?   Perhaps could that be a healthy thing for her to do...her learning to live on her own...you and your ex-husband having the privacy to further heal and build that relationship?

You have spent so many years helping your daughter through her troubles and I am not saying you should stop...but...there has to be focus put on you, also.   There is no need for her to change so the change has to start with you. 

Hope you keep sharing, issamom.   It is good to have support when instigating change...and you will certainly find that here.

Huat

[issamom]

Thank you for replying.  I have just come to the realization that in all this time I have not gotten any help for myself.  I am finally realizing how much I need it, and that my efforts to help her have become a crutch that she depends on.  I just bought a book called Codependent No More and I hope it helps.  I want to break the cycle, but I just don't know how.  Her biggest issue is abandonment.  She has almost no friends.  I'm afraid of what will happen if I push her from the nest.  Im so tired of being afraid. 

[Huat]

Hello back, issamom

Be kind to yourself in knowing that change does not happen overnight.  You recognize the problems and you are making moves towards positive change.  I'm not sure if I have read the book you bought but I have read lots on the subject of BPD...some more helpful than others.  Not sure about where you live, but I found my local library was a great source for books like that.  Mind you, with this current situation we find ourselves in  , libraries are not as accessible as they were.

Good that you are now seeing the need to look after yourself.    It is thought-provoking that phrase used so much on this forum..."get the oxygen mask on yourself first...then you are able to reach out to help others."  It takes work to do this.  We are Moms who are programmed to be caregivers...but we also need to be cared for.

This is going to be a long, hard journey you will share with your daughter.  She is either unable or unwilling to do things differently.  Change will have to start with you.  Baby steps...learning how to set boundaries...helpful to both of you.

I urge you to continue on with your research...the books you find...all that is available on this website.  I urge you, too, to keep posting...share what works...what doesn't work...and reach out to help others.

I so hope this renewed relationship you have with your ex-husband continues to grow and that it will bring both of you much happiness...so important that your daughter's needs don't overshadow yours.

May the sun be shining in your day, issamom.

Huat