Hate. My mother’s last conversation with me a week before she died.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother’s last conversation with me a week before she died was to tell me what an awful person I had been for the last fifty years

[Petpig]

My mother’s last conversation with me a week before she died was to tell me what an awful person I had been for the last fifty years

[Kwamina]

Hi Petpig,

I am very sorry your last conversation with your mother, just a week before she died, went like this. Did she pass away recently?

How are you currently holding up?

You titled this post 'Hate', is this in reference to what your mother expressed to you, or about your own feelings now toward your mother?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Methuen]

I too am very sorry your last conversation with your mom went like this.  It must be very very painful. 

I know nothing about your situation.  But pwBPD have a lot of patterns with their thoughts and behaviors.  I am not surprised your mom did this.  I think it could happen to many of us here.  You are not alone.

I'm going to take a risk and put out an idea here: when your mom said that, there is a possibility that what she said to you, was a reflection of how she felt about herself.  It's called "projection": they scream things at us that are a reflection of how they feel about themselves...blaming us is their self-defense because their disease won't let them be aware of their own weaknesses, and therefore they can never work on these weaknesses to improve themselves.  Their emotions are so uncontrollable that they eventually explode and dump all that toxic stuff onto their loved ones.  Believe it or not, it's the loved ones that get the worst abuse.  I guess what I'm saying here is that just because she said it, doesn't make it true. 

I'll bet you're not at all an "awful" person.  I'll bet you're like the rest of us here.  Sad, angry, confused, conflicted, grieving, resentful...and just trying to do the best you can under difficult circumstances, and survive another crisis.

We're here for you.  How are you managing right now?

[Petpig]

This happened 25 yr. ago.  My Anger is gone.  I think hurt is still there, and problems from never been validated by my mother. Like a child crying out for help.  Fortunately have understanding husband. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Petpig,

I am glad you have an understanding husband

Having a disordered and invalidating mother can really hurt people.

What are the main hurts and problems you find yourself dealing with now?

We have a resource here that can be very helpful for adults who suffered childhood abuse:
Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered Childhood Abuse

The guide takes us from survivor to thriver though 3 main stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. It's a tool to help us assess where we are in our healing and how to move forward.

When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are right now?

Are there any elements listed that particularly resonate with what you find yourself currently dealing with?

The Board Parrot

[delia211]

Very sorry for this painful memory.  I can definitely understand it being difficult to come to terms with.  It hits home a bit.  The night before I left to go away to school, my BPD mother told me out of the blue that I had been a terrible child.  It was very shocking and hurtful and I still struggle to make sense of it, but I think that because she was unable to come to terms with how badly she had always treated me, she needed to blame me and justify it to herself.  I think the same thing likely happened in your case.  Sending my thoughts for your healing and grateful to hear of your supportive partner.