What is it with holidays and special occasions?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've seen many others mention how their BPD SO predictably ruins every holiday, vacation, birthday, special occasion...i can't remember the last time i enjoyed what should be a happy day. it's like, without fail, for the past 10 years, he finds a way to make sure i am depressed and miserable on special days. what is that about?

and of course, he's always "so regretful" that he ruined a special day - although it's usually focused on how he was really looking forward to it and it was ruined for him - never a concern about what he's done to me or others.

[Help me cope]

I've seen many others mention how their BPD SO predictably ruins every holiday, vacation, birthday, special occasion...i can't remember the last time i enjoyed what should be a happy day. it's like, without fail, for the past 10 years, he finds a way to make sure i am depressed and miserable on special days. what is that about?

and of course, he's always "so regretful" that he ruined a special day - although it's usually focused on how he was really looking forward to it and it was ruined for him - never a concern about what he's done to me or others.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey HMC-

I hear you... I wish I knew... how I wish I knew.  I went through this with my exH (19 years) and more recently with my now ex BPD/NPD BF.  Unbearable and heartbreaking.

I try not to think about my exH anymore.  Too much water under that bridge.

With my exBF (he left in his final RAGE on 2/13/2020), it seemed if my out of town family members were involved in celebrations the trouble would start.  He’d nitpick and brood and begin to get a migraine.  When it was just the two of us things were fine. 

My guess is that any...ANY attention drawn AWAY from him at all was a threat.  A HUGE threat.  And he couldn’t risk that.  A really pitiful and pathetic frailty for a man who’s now 62.

Why is this coming up for you?  I read your first post from November 2019.  Your H seems to share many behaviors that sound eerily familiar to my exBF.

I’m so sorry.  I hope you and your son find time for happiness.  You’re safe here, so feel free to talk.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Marianne-11]

Hi, I am sorry you are experiencing this, from experience I know it is really hard. It was the same with my ex.

When I turned 30, he went drinking and left me home alone with our then small child. When I turned 40, I got a small part (I did not even need  )for my car as present and that was it.

On holidays he usually got furious over the smallest details and once even flew home in the middle of vacation when we were abroad. I stayed with our then small son until the end of the trip.

Christmas, new year... you name it, always some drama no matter how much I tried to avoid it.

At some point I just started to plan so that I tried to minimize all special fuss around holidays and special events. And took our kids on holidays/trips by myself (he was ok with this). Not ideal, but as I was not able to figure out what the issue was, this was the most peaceful option for all. I did always ask him to come with us, just to be clear but pretty much knew he wouldn't.     

Take care and I also hope you find some happy time for yourself.

I've seen many others mention how their BPD SO predictably ruins every holiday, vacation, birthday, special occasion...i can't remember the last time i enjoyed what should be a happy day. it's like, without fail, for the past 10 years, he finds a way to make sure i am depressed and miserable on special days. what is that about?

and of course, he's always "so regretful" that he ruined a special day - although it's usually focused on how he was really looking forward to it and it was ruined for him - never a concern about what he's done to me or others.

[Cat Familiar]

My ex husband seemed to have no awareness that certain times might be special to me, like my birthday. I would always buy him nice gifts, take him out for dinner, or have a party for him—something to make his birthday special.

I remember many birthdays where I didn’t get any of that—not even a token gift. I complained and then one year he gave me a shell he found on the beach. Another year it was a $2 pair of shorts from the thrift store with the tag still on it.

   The level of narcissism is sometimes hard to believe.

[I Am Redeemed]

Special occasions were a disaster in my r/s with my exbpdh.

I would pick out thoughtful gifts which he hated and berated me for. Or he would come up with spontaneous plans that were not possible and then he would get mad (like wanting to go to his mom's house on MY birthday when I had decided to work that day because we needed the money). Or he would spend all the money before the holiday/birthday and we would be broke. Or he would declare he did not want to make plans or do anything special and then get mad if the kids or I had made other plans for the day.

Towards the end, it got so bad with the abuse that he ruined three holidays in a row... Halloween (my favorite holiday), my 40th birthday (almost two weeks after Halloween) and Thanksgiving. On each of these days in succession, he drugged me with a substance by slipping it into my food or drink. He then told me that he did it so he could call the police/social services on me if I left him. I left him the Monday after Thanksgiving that year (2017). I realized that his entitlement and need for control trumped my safety and that of my son's.

[start_again]

Have you ever experienced having your gift thrown in the garbage – this is a birthday event that has been going on for a few.  i keep coming back for more years now
 I usually get the IOU for gifts and the IOU is never fulfilled.  Still waiting on the 2019 Christmas gift...  I set the bar really low so I don’t’ have any expectations and this way I won’t get hurt. 

What is up with the holidays this past 4th of July went to see the in-laws small gathering.  The next day I get the silent treatment and eventually found out that my wife had a problem with me going to the library, shopping by myself the day before.  Too many times she has flipped out at me in public so I try to do shopping without her.  Funny thing is she denies she ever does it – now it is whatever no point in arguing with her since I can’t finish a sentence without her interrupting me.  Maybe it is not the holiday I get the flip outs from her all the time for stuff I don’t even know what she is talking about…

[formflier]

  The next day I get the silent treatment and eventually found out that my wife had a problem with me going to the library, shopping by myself the day before.  

How did you find out she had a problem?  Once you found out..what did you say?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

I found out she had a problem with me going to the library when she told me she was upset with me going to the library by myself.  She doesn't like it when I am out and about and am friendly to others - she communicates this often.

I didn't have a chance to respond because like usual I was interrupted and told stop defending myself.  What I was trying to say to her - it was by chance driving past I noticed the library was open - it has been closed due to the virus.  Small town library just opened this week.  Funny thing is last week she told to go to the library get some books instead of reading the newspaper.  Can't win and can't even expect to win...

[formflier]

OK...take a big step back.

Do you see how she doesn't even think you are worthy of a chance to respond?  She has made a judgment and it will stand unchallenged?  (her apparent point of view)

Now..please don't hear me say you should "challenge" it. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

So..what's your first reaction to reading that article?  What do you think a good reaction should be to "I don't want you going to the Library."  (and that kind of thing)

Best,

FF

[formflier]

How did she find out you went shopping and to the library?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

I mentioned that I went to the market and she saw me reading a book and correctly assumed I got it at the library.

My first reaction to reading the article is that she does not think I am listening to her concerns and that I am so self centered that I can't get out of my self and hear what her concern is.  When I respond in one of the JADE manners I am saying to her she does not matter.  Interesting thought and a lot of work in communication.  Can't keep a score I have to change my approach...

[formflier]

  Can't keep a score I have to change my approach...

Interesting.

So...are you onboard that your prior approach didn't get you results that you liked?

Based on reading the article, what approach do you want to try?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

My personality is that I love to win and hate to lose.  That has to be thrown out the window during these occasions.  In the big picture of life does it really matter – do I have to defend myself and risk an escalation or can I just listen and respond with words like you have a point there.  This way I am being agreeable that a point is being made without adding fuel to a potential explosion.

I have to stop trying to prove that I am a nice guy

[formflier]

All very reasonable.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/validation_slides.pdf

Validation and the attached concepts are a massive thing, so these two links are just a start.

I'd be interested in your thoughts.

Best,

FF

[JaneWrites]

I've thought about holidays a lot. In my case, if they are not ruined on the day, then everything falls apart the next day.  I've found that days I spend a lot of time on are higher targets. If I'm cooking all day, dinner will be ruined. I started doing Christmases out of a crockpot to reduce the pressure all around. Then we just moved to steaks - easy, special and everyone loves it. The point is I've tried to adapt.

He does practically nothing for my birthday and then rails against the gifts I get him for his birthday three weeks later.

I finally figured out he had BPD the evening before Mother's Day this year and I binged on strategies that night. So when his he started targeting me the following morning, I had some strategies in the tank. We all did yard work. It felt good getting results from my new strategies. On Mother's Day five years ago, he accused me of having an affair that I did not have. So yes, holidays are triggering.

[formflier]

I finally figured out he had BPD the evening before Mother's Day this year and I binged on strategies that night. So when his he started targeting me the following morning, I had some strategies in the tank. 

JaneWrites

Welcome to BPDFamily.  When you get a chance I'm curious to learn about the strategies you used and how he responded.

Might be best to start a new thread for your response.

Best,

FF

[Abazaba]

Same experience here. I have so many examples!

1. My birthday, 2016: His dad was in the hospital with cancer, heading towards his final days. He hadn’t visited in over a month, but I never felt it was my place to comment on that. The day we were supposed to go out for dinner,, his dad called and asked him to visit. I assume this either made him feel guilty for not going for so long that his dad called and asked, or he was frustrated. I don’t know. Either way, he asked if we could reschedule our plans - to which I said of course! No problem. He proceeded to tell me that I was full of crap, he knew I was going to be angry at him for canceling our plans, I’m ugly, he can do better than me. After I bawled my eyes out, he then apologized and wanted to go to dinner since he’d visit his dad the next day,, at which time he gave me a hard time for not being more excited and grateful for the dinner.

2. His birthday 2016: I bought him a gift. It unfortunately arrived via UPS, broken. There was a full return policy, so no big deal. Or so I thought. He flipped out, saying he hated his life and I ruined his birthday by buying him a cheap piece of garbage.

3. Christmas 2019: There was a huge fight after dinner. His mom asked me if I could give her a few more wedding invitations to hand out. I said sure. He inquired who they were going to. They were simply a few of her close friends, well within the number of people she was told she could invite. .He flipped out saying he doesn’t want anyone at the wedding he doesn’t know (that would be almost everyone except his 10 or so close friends)  and created a huge, huge argument ruining everyone’s Christmas.

4. 4th of July. Every year without fail, we’ve been on some kind of non-speaking terms so we’ve never been able to have the family BBQ I’ve wanted to have so many times.

5. One time he broke up with me was 3-4 days before my dad passed away. My dad was on hospice and he knew he was at the end of his days. He lost his temper on me one day because I was in the middle of helping my dad as we were talking and wasn’t paying close attention to him. He screamed at me, hung up and blocked me. I tried calling him for a few days after that but was blocked. My dad died soon after and I dealt with it alone. My birthday was about a week after that, and I pretty much just sat at home crying by myself. He didn’t speak to me for 7 months after that.

6. Mother’s Day 2019: lunch with our moms, and grandmas. His grandma decided to give him a cash gift in an envelope. He threw the envelope on the floor angrily saying he didn’t want the gift. Awkward silence on the table. Afterwards he complained that he was the only male at the table and it made him feel left out. It was MOTHER’S DAY.

7. Friends wedding: during the ceremony he started huffing and puffing for some reason. I ignored it for obvious reasons as the officiant was speaking. Afterward I asked what was wrong. He got very hostile telling me I wouldn’t understand and to leave him alone. So, I stopped asking. Of course, he then got upset because I wasn’t asking him what was wrong. I asked him which one he wanted me to do. He blew up, saying I don’t understand him. We spent a good hour of the wedding off in the parking lot arguing over...I’m not even sure what.i got called names, he threatened to leave, and It ruined the entire night for me. I never understood what happened.

I don’t know what it is. I feel bad saying this but it’s almost as if happiness frustrates them.

[JaneWrites]

Can anyone put their finger on it? Is it that some special occasions include attention for OTHER people and they can't stand the attention and time contributed toward others? Is it that there is pressure to have a nice time and that throws them off? Is it the social pressure of dealing with others? I've stopped inviting anyone over because the fear of dysregulation is too great.

Other people's weddings are an issue here too now that you bring that up. As we were getting ready for my nephew's wedding, I got on my new dress and he told me it was like I was putting lipstick on a pig. At another friend's wedding, he accused me of dancing provocatively with the groom. What? Nope.

[Jetta]

I've noticed this too. It's like my husband isn't happy with being in the spirit of the day and has to at some point make it about him and what he wants.

Most recent example is this past Valentine's Day. My son (21, from my first marriage, lives with us, commuter/college student) was scheduled to work that evening, but then ended up not scheduled/working. H and I had planned on a quiet evening. My husband groused that my son was ruining Valentine's day by being at home. I was happy to just cuddle under the blankets on the couch, eat chocolates, and watch movies, while my son (as he usually does) hung out in his room watching YT videos. But the whole evening was ruined. H basically said he was going to leave and go somewhere else, as 'what's the point in staying here since Valentine's day is ruined'. I called his bluff and told he didn't have to hang out with me if he didn't want to. But of course, he didn't go anywhere. Just simmered and stewed all evening. Total buzzkill.

He's such a killjoy. Hate to say, but I can't remember the last time I was authentically happy with him or enjoyed being near him. Even during fun moments of joking and carefree laughter, in the back of my mind I know that the joy will be fleeting and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[start_again]

Jetta - I just read your post and was thinking that I might have acted like your husband the other week on my wife’s birthday.  I asked her out for dinner to celebrate; she then told me that our 19 year old daughter has to come along. OK, so I mention to her that at times when our daughter is along that I feel like a third wheel.  Two is company and three is a crowd type of deal.
Wow I should have never expressed my feelings – a total flip-out by my wife happened.   I was taking the opportunity to let my wife know at the time that sometimes I feel left out.  Not a good time to express.
Your post got me thinking,  would I have pouted if we did go out for dinner, my wife didn’t want to go after her flip-out.  An area I need to look at and consider do I pout or am I keeping quiet because I have nothing good to say.  I do not want to be a pouter…
Thank you again for the post…

[formflier]

I'm a fan of "and also".

For instance...instead of either/or many times it's better to suggest that a time be picked for the pwBPD to include those they want "and also" have private time with you before or after.

This puts you in the position of saying yes and let's them be the "no".

Best,

FF

[start_again]

I'm a fan of "and also".

For instance...instead of either/or many times it's better to suggest that a time be picked for the pwBPD to include those they want "and also" have private time with you before or after.

This puts you in the position of saying yes and let's them be the "no".

Best,

FF

Yes I agree with you – this is a more mature way to handle occasions.  This way you don’t put anybody in a position of choice which I most likely was doing.  Take myself out of the situation, in other words drop the poor me and be inclusive and celebrate the occasion.

[formflier]

  Take myself out of the situation, in other words drop the poor me and be inclusive and celebrate the occasion.

Yes..but there is more.

You are saying "win win".  You get exactly what you want AND your pwBPD gets exactly what they want.

Then if they don't want to spend "alone" time with you, they have to say "no" which puts you in the position of asking what's up or whats the issue with alone time.

Best,

FF

[start_again]

Yes..but there is more.

You are saying "win win".  You get exactly what you want AND your pwBPD gets exactly what they want.

Then if they don't want to spend "alone" time with you, they have to say "no" which puts you in the position of asking what's up or whats the issue with alone time.

Best,

FF

The more might be a problem.  Asking "what is up" or "what is the issue with alone time" might poke the grizzly bear with her cub...

[formflier]

The more might be a problem.  Asking "what is up" or "what is the issue with alone time" might poke the grizzly bear with her cub...

Sure...I'm not suggesting you use those exact words.

"How do you want me to understand your decision" might be a better way or "help me understand your decision"

Also...is your job to "never poke"?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

Sure...I'm not suggesting you use those exact words.

"How do you want me to understand your decision" might be a better way or "help me understand your decision"

Also...is your job to "never poke"?

Best,

FF

My job yes is to never poke.

I get it to continue with the understanding type of dialog.  I have to be most careful to be sincere with the dialog and not speak right away.  Most helpful as I walk through this in my mind right now.

[formflier]

My job yes is to never poke.
 

Do you enjoy the relationship and life you have while "never poking"?    How is that working out for you?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

Do you enjoy the relationship and life you have while "never poking"?    How is that working out for you?

Best,

FF

For me I have to take one step back before I can even be grounded in a no poking frame of mind.  For me that step back is a gratitude reminder of all good I have and then to remember to do the next right thing and one would be not to poke.  There is a lot of strength in being humble…