Wife Has BPD

[tdbisjl]

My wife is seeing a therapist and has been suffering for many years as a result of being repeatedly sexually abused as a child.  My therapist suggested that my wife has BPD.  I researched the symptoms of BPD and her behavior matches almost every one.  She now wants a divorce because she misperceives my behavior as abusive and passive aggressive.  This morning I was trying to be nice to her and said "Good Morning".  Her response was "What's so good about it?  Typical passive aggressive behavior" and walked away.  I am reaching out to others that are in the same situation as I with the hope that I will gain some strength and direction and learn how to help my wife. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Football2000]

I think you are in a good stage, at least the stage where she is seeing a therapist and perhaps she has the chance to accept that she has BPD or at least BPD-like symptoms. I am at a stage where my partner won't even acknowledge any part of the problem.

Well, I think we're all here to support each other. I suggest posting your problems as they come along and we'll try and help.

One of the biggest mistakes I have made in the past is defending myself/arguing when my partner is in one of those anger episodes. I think there is a subtle difference between setting boundaries and being defensive. Setting boundaries could be something like just saying you need a time out, or exiting the situation while saying in a calm voice, "I am taking a break".

It is really difficult because with a "normal" person (by which in my case I mean every single person that was not my partner), I could have a normal dialogue where both sides would try to understand. With someone with BPD, they are in some kind of flight/fight/freeze mode overwhelmed with fear of abandonment perhaps and nothing you say will make sense to them. It will just be twisted in their mind into some kind of thing coming to get them.

I don't have all the answers but hold in there and keep posting for help.

[tdbisjl]

Thanks for your post.  One of my faults is when I try to correct my wife when she says something that is not quite true or spins it just so I look like the bad guy.  The hardest thing for me to do is to remain silent and not challenge my wife when she says something that is a twisted distortion of the truth for the sole purpose of punishing me by hurting my feelings.  By not responding, I feel like I am passively agreeing with what she said.  I just ordered two books; Loving someone with BPD and Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I hope they will help me develop a thicker skin.

[Football2000]

By not responding, I feel like I am passively agreeing with what she said.  I just ordered two books; Loving someone with BPD and Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I hope they will help me develop a thicker skin.

Yes, I feel like that too! That is why it is so hard not to defend yourself, and even though I realize that, I fail at that some times. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I thought it was pretty good. It kind of gives you a little understanding into the complex issue of intense emotional reactions and instability. Having a thick skin is hard, so be gentle on yourself and don't be too upset if it's a slow process.

[spinninghead]

Hi tdbisjl, thank you for posting. I am also married to a wife with BPD. She has recently accepted the diagnosis, after 18 months of couples therapy and years of individual therapy. I also am in therapy for myself, which started when the BPD-related behaviors surfaced 18 months ago. We struggle daily/weekly and I won't pretend to have good answers because I am very much "in the thick of it."

It's great that you are doing some reading. There are a lot of good books and the ones you've chosen are among them.

It is so VERY hard to avoid taking the bait when someone, no matter who it is, tells you that you did/said/didn't do/didn't say something. It can be the most ridiculous falsehood that you could disprove in a heartbeat with all the verifiable proof in the world, in the most loving and calm tone of voice, etc... and you will still be "defensive." It is so freaking hard. Example: a while back my wife told me she had "proof" I was cheating on her with a coworker of mine whom I barely know, because she tracked my phone on google maps and saw that I had driven past the address of this person in the course of doing my job. It was a false accusation born of fear and one that I could easily disprove by showing her both my work schedule and an actual complete route map on Google maps that showed where I was, when I was, every minute of the day...and I was castigated for being "defensive." (Yes, there are lots of issues in this, including that it's not ok to track someone's movements, make up accusations, etc etc...) My point is to say I get it.

Something I have read, perhaps somewhere on bpdcentral.com, is the idea that validating the feeling behind the accusation is not the same as admitting guilt or agreeing with the conclusion. I really struggle with this in practice, but when I am able to do it, it does help and sidesteps the "defensiveness". One of the methods I have had some success with is S.E.T. (from "I hate you, don't leave me" book, I think? I've read so many, they're a jumble).

Here's a link to it: they explain it better than I can
https://www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality-425229

It's a difficult position to be in. It's hard to be on the receiving end of the result of her enormously painful internal feelings without taking it on, trying to fix it, and allowing it to wreck you. You're taking good steps so far. Keep reaching out on the boards here. The support is wonderful and needed.

[start_again]

I am reaching out to others that are in the same situation as I with the hope that I will gain some strength and direction and learn how to help my wife.

For me it is helping myself and knowing that I can’t fix my wife.  The books mentioned have been a real help for me.  What works really well for me as the false accusations are thrown at me is to remember to do the next right thing.   I can’t change her however I can change how I respond.  This is a learning process and takes for a lot of practice.  I like the part in the book SWOES where the author suggests celebrating when you handle the situation reasonably well.  Never perfect however the results were different and I didn’t leave the conversation with an explosion, hurt, angry or resentful.
Not my job to fix my wife my job is fixing me.