I am still stuck in a hotel room.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod Note:  This thread was split from another as it merits it's own discussion (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345298.0)

Hi all,

I am still stuck in a hotel room. My history, I have known and been in a relationship with my uBPDh for 22 years and married for 10. We have 2 children, girls  7 and 4. I walked out last week after a week of alcohol induced domestic violence(he tried to choke me), called 911. Then by the time the cops came, he tried to hurt himself twice, 3 911 calls and freaking outon my part. Kids were asleep through this. Next I helped him find a lawyer who would help drop the case against him. CPs visiting completely unnerved me compeltey. A week of fighting over separation and giving it one last try. A week after the incident, I started reading stop walking on eggshells and tried to be firm with my wants and requests. We had a peivate converstaion that led to a verbal threat that he knew would get me scared. He asked me who ahould I hurt first. I was in the house with 2 puppies, our 2 girls and my brother. The fear That went theough me was what triggered me walk out. I walked out, talked to lawyers and decided to go the TRO path as I knew that if we tried talking to him, he would promise me the mountain and we would go back to what was. The TRO was issued on July2nd. The Sherriff did not try to serve it till yesterday. He has left the house as of July 3rd. I know where he is as he had an amzon package delivered to him. Sheriff has not updates that he is served yet. I am freaking out and worried about what next. I have friends and family to support. Work is supportive for now. Had my first counsellingnsession yesterday. Have informed the camp the kods go to but I am scared and worried.

[Shakthi]

Mod Note:  This thread was split from another as it merits it's own discussion (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345298.0)

Hi all,

I am still stuck in a hotel room. My history, I have known and been in a relationship with my uBPDh for 22 years and married for 10. We have 2 children, girls  7 and 4. I walked out last week after a week of alcohol induced domestic violence(he tried to choke me), called 911. Then by the time the cops came, he tried to hurt himself twice, 3 911 calls and freaking outon my part. Kids were asleep through this. Next I helped him find a lawyer who would help drop the case against him. CPs visiting completely unnerved me compeltey. A week of fighting over separation and giving it one last try. A week after the incident, I started reading stop walking on eggshells and tried to be firm with my wants and requests. We had a peivate converstaion that led to a verbal threat that he knew would get me scared. He asked me who ahould I hurt first. I was in the house with 2 puppies, our 2 girls and my brother. The fear That went theough me was what triggered me walk out. I walked out, talked to lawyers and decided to go the TRO path as I knew that if we tried talking to him, he would promise me the mountain and we would go back to what was. The TRO was issued on July2nd. The Sherriff did not try to serve it till yesterday. He has left the house as of July 3rd. I know where he is as he had an amzon package delivered to him. Sheriff has not updates that he is served yet. I am freaking out and worried about what next. I have friends and family to support. Work is supportive for now. Had my first counsellingnsession yesterday. Have informed the camp the kods go to but I am scared and worried.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Shakthi, how are you? What is your situation at the moment? Sorry if you've updated in other threads and please feel free to point me there to save you time in reading responses.

Your situation is very similar to mine but you seemed to be in greater physical danger than I was. Please let us know if you can!

Yours,
Roland

[Shakthi]

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts here. I have a uBPDh and domestic violence led me to leave and get a restraining order. We have two kids and two dogs. I am back home with the kids and dogs. I have not said much to the kids yet, just that dad is away for sometime. My husband and I have not talked in 10+ days, NO contact. He is being reasonable with accounts and money. I still have access to everything and can pay bills etc. I have heard from his lawyer through mine that my husband will not bug us and wants me and the kids to have the house and he will support financially. my husband is hgh functioning, now seeing his therapist and is enrolled in some alcohol abuse program through his work. I don't want to cause him long term legal trouble to work and provide for the kids (as long as he can). I have a job and will slowly shift our lives to be dependent on my salary alone (will take a little time - I am giving myself a year). 10 days ago I was sure that I will file for divorce, now I want to see what he comes back with after the restraining order. I want to see if he sees what he did and will agree to therapy and sessions and long distance marriage till I see that he is getting better. My lawyer is only worried about me weakening my case - I am not worried about that. my values definitely align with keeping the family as one unit and giving him one last chance. I have not done my part in this mess either and I will learn about BPD and on how I should respond/ try to deescalate situations. I am in therapy but not convinced about my current therapist and looking around to see if I find another one I like. The last two days at home have been good. Kids listen, I am able to work and I think I can manage this for a bit.  I have reached out to many friends and family for support. My wanting to go back is that FOG? My thoughts are we have known each other for 22 years, married for 10. The last 7 have been the hardest but there were periods of calm. The main trigger for his worst behavior is work stress - it directly relates to how messed up things get at home. The last three months were also the best and worst. He has worked out, lost some weight done better for himself, not drink on  many days- but this also puts pressure on me as he cannot arrange his priorities and work through what the family needs. this fell apart last month and got really bad. This was the first time, he tried to actually hurt me. He has never threatened to hurt me or the kids in the past, although he has threatened to  destroy things. What am I feeling? anyone in a similar boat?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Shakthi,

I was in a similar boat a couple of years ago. My ex had assaulted me and spent nine months in jail. I was hoping that he would recognize the need to get help, but he didn't. I ended up having to go NC for my safety and my son's safety. We had been together for seven years and married for almost four when I left.To this day, he does not acknowledge his need for treatment or therapy and is now in another relationship where he is physically assaulting another woman.

It's natural to want to salvage our relationship and hope that the other person receives help and makes an effort to become a healthier person. You need to know, however, that easing up on boundaries or preventing your h from experiencing the consequences of his behavior is not going to make that happen.

A person who uses physical violence or other forms of abuse does so because they benefit from it in some way. It's a very deep rooted behavior that will take time in therapy to untangle. Your h will need to have self awareness and the ability to be honest both with himself and a therapist about his abusive behaviors and the beliefs and attitudes that contribute to those. It's a long process. You also need to understand that alcohol abuse, BPD, and abusive tendencies are all separate issues that will need different targeted treatments.

I would suggest that you read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It breaks down the reasons why certain people engage in abusive behavior, what it takes for an abuser to change, how you know if he is changing, and how alcohol/drug use and mental illness may contribute to the abusive behavior but are not the cause of it.

I would suggest you continue in counseling and take it one day at a time right now. If your current therapist doesn't seem to be a good fit, then search for one that is. Put the needs of yourself and the kids right now and do what you have to do to remain safe.   

[Shakthi]

thank you both for your posts. I am posting in different threads. I do want to give my husband another chance. I want to be able to talk to him not necessarily live under the same roof right now. I know all these will need good boundaries set and me holding them but I am not ready for a permanent restraining order and talking to him about the children only through the lawyers. I am hoping he will get treatment and therapy and we can revisit the relationship sometime.

[ForeverDad]

10 days ago I was sure that I will file for divorce, now I want to see what he comes back with after the restraining order. I want to see if he sees what he did and will agree to therapy and sessions and long distance marriage till I see that he is getting better.

A pwBPD can "see what he did and will agree to therapy etc" (AKA promises and intentions) yet may not follow through long term (the actual actions and real improvements).  It is exceedingly hard to a person to modify their perceptions, moods and actions.  Maybe for a little while, but will it last?  That's the gazillion dollar question.

My lawyer is only worried about me weakening my case... My wanting to go back is that FOG?

That's your lawyer's job.  Your lawyer has surely seen this before, a client reaches out for help in an emergency, then as time passes the client longs for the "comfort zone" of the past roller coaster life.  This is a cycle.  Just as your spouse has mood or behavior patterns/cycles, so do you, and so does your relationship.

I recall when I first separated.  The officer who took my report and got me a TPO made sure to stress (warn) me that I would feel what you're feeling, that once the immediate emergency is past I might reinterpret or minimize what had happened.  He said he had seen people ask for help then go right back to the spouse who had misbehaved or abused.

Imagine officers responding to a domestic dispute call... "It's that couple fighting, again, every time they call we care less and less because they keep getting back together without really fixing things.  Either fix it or end it."

I'm not saying he hasn't made real changes, this time.  But these ups and downs have been going on for 10-20 years and these incidents are not getting better.  So the odds are high that he will relapse or revert back to his comfort zone of prior behaviors, attitudes and moods.  Not impossible odds, but he would have to prove himself over many months and probably years.

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  While your spouse keeps his distance, it will be less evident.  Relax the rules and the misbehaviors may surge again.

[RolandOfEld]

I recall when I first separated.  The officer who took my report and got me a TPO made sure to stress (warn) me that I would feel what you're feeling, that once the immediate emergency is past I might reinterpret or minimize what had happened.  He said he had seen people ask for help then go right back to the spouse who had misbehaved or abused.

Imagine officers responding to a domestic dispute call... "It's that couple fighting, again, every time they call we care less and less because they keep getting back together without really fixing things.  Either fix it or end it."

I'm not saying he hasn't made real changes, this time.  But these ups and downs have been going on for 10-20 years and these incidents are not getting better.  So the odds are high that he will relapse or revert back to his comfort zone of prior behaviors, attitudes and moods.  Not impossible odds, but he would have to prove himself over many months and probably years.

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  While your spouse keeps his distance, it will be less evident.  Relax the rules and the misbehaviors may surge again.

Shakthi I am with FD 100% here, especially as I'm experiencing the same feelings as you. I may have shared this idea in another post, but I want to try and keep your mind on the long-term. In the short-term, the PO may cause a lot of pain all around. But the fact is that pwBPD will really only experience the consequences of their behaviors when a loved one takes the situation to court. Because all of the bad behavior took place inside of a familial relationship, wrongful and in many cases ILLEGAL behaviors become normalized within the province of that relationship. If they did the same things to you to coworkers or strangers, they would either be fired or arrested. But most pwBPD can function in the outside world well enough to avoid arrest.  

My point is that giving them genuine consequences can in many ways be a genuine gift to them. An alcoholic might not confront their problem if family members complain, but an arrest after a DUI might be a real wake up call.

Giving them this gift doesn't guarantee they will act on it. But at least you are giving them the chance to change. After all PO is a civil order that only becomes criminal when the person decides to violate it. At least that's the situation in my country.  

How are your kids dealing with the situation?

~ROE

[Shakthi]

thanks for the follow up. I am still not sure how to tag/ mention people in this forum. The kids are OK on a day to day basis. The recall that it would be nice for dad to be around. One of them said I wish he wasn't mean to you at bed time yesterday, broke my heart. Their everyday things are taken care of and they seem OK. I am also relieved that life is easier, simple easy meals and I can read while they play. I have to focus on work from tomorrow. I am reading ' why does he do that' and truthfully its scary. I got a restraining order after the first physical violence incident. I have always held that he won't harm me or the kids but that failed and I was scared. We had Child protective services come and interview everyone, that broke me. I am now trying to understand the BPD, alcoholism and the abuser in him (not everything fits from the book) and it just breaks me. I am not sure what to do or what he right steps are. He is illegigent and the kids can learn good things from him and I am not sure I want a life of no cimunication with him. I am not even sure I want to divorce him. I have known him for more than 1/2 my life and cannot untangle what I feel and what I know. I am a mess this morning. I had no plans when I walked out. We had had more than a year of really good times, very few issues. The last 3-4 months have been the worse. Both my big incidents in life were around his work stress going berserk. I know none of it excuses what he does but my heart breaks and I am struggling.

[ForeverDad]

If you don't have a counselor already — and a counselor for the children too — then seek out the local support.

Generally counselors are so beneficial since they can help you see things less subjectively and more objectively, thinking outside the box, so to speak.  Do you have others around you, trusted friends, family or spiritual help?  They too can be of help but be aware some of them may feel it is their duty to pressure you to return and 'fix' the marriage.  You can ponder your circumstances and decide the relationship just can't be fixed.  With BPD and the other acting-out PDs, the fact is that some things just aren't fixable.

[Shakthi]

I have two sessions with a counsellor coming up this week. I am hoping those will help. I also have a very supportive family, though they are not near me physically and I have told a few friends who are helping me.I am not strong on the walk away and let this go stance I took 2 weeks ago. I don't feel obligated to help him, although I feel obligated to  the kids to have their dad in their lives. I don't feel a bit of guilt for having put any of us through this. I am not scared of leaving nad rebuilding my life. I am actually scared of how to make this work and my heart goes to making it work. I read threads here and books (walking on eggshells, Why does he do that) are two I have read recently and still see hope that he can get better and that we have had some really long stretches of decent times (low conflict times). I also worry that I might be BPD, abusive and have my own behavioral issues to address and feel that its unfair to blame him for everything that has gone wrong. I want to make sure I have done my part in giving things a fair chance. I am not depressed, I am able to care for the hosue and kids, work is not suffering although its not been a priority in the last couple of weeks (i have support there too). Reading "why does he do that' is making me very uncomfortable and scared, I will have to read the book fully and see how to process what I learn. Thanks for the support. It means a lot when one is so confused.

[Shakthi]

I Am Redeemed thanks for the book mrecomendation. in thebook it states that someone who is an abuser needs to get into a program for that and it works only when they don't have any mental illness. What about a BPD who is abusive? What treatment should this person pursue? Do we know?

[RolandOfEld]

I also worry that I might be BPD, abusive and have my own behavioral issues to address and feel that its unfair to blame him for everything that has gone wrong.

I have felt everything you have felt on many occasions, Shakthi. Living with my BPDw and trying to take care of two young children mostly on my own drove me to fits of explosive rage I didn't think I was capable of. But like you, I took responsibility for my part and did the only things I could do, namely, file a PO and move out.

That's what makes us different from our partners - we acknowledged our part in the problem and took responsibility for the situation. I'm sure you made mistakes as a parent and a partner and did things you regret, but you are willfully putting yourself in any extremely difficult situation to better your childrens' lives. You are seeking the help of those around you and seeing a counselor. Please keep that in mind the next time you feel yourself questioning your own mental health. This is not something someone with BPD could do.

~ROE

[worriedStepmom]

What you are feeling is normal.  You have been with your husband for a very long time, built a life with him, and you love him.  It's HARD to let go of that.   It's HARD to let go of the hopes and dreams that you had for the future (for yourself and your kids). You will go through a grieving process.

Someone told me once that my marriage was irretrievably broken, and a divorce was closing the door on that.  If, in the future, my H and I could do the work we needed to do on ourselves, we might be able to build a new and better marriage together.  I have known people who divorced and remarried.  Some made it work the second time; some didn't.  I worked hard on myself - I read books and I went to therapy for two years.  My xH...did not.  If he had ever wanted to reconcile (he didn't), I would not have wanted to.  I had changed too much to be satisfied with what he could offer.

Your husband is a mentally ill, abusive alcoholic.  You can't change him.  He has to change himself - and he has to WANT to change himself.  Then he'd have to prove to you that those changes would stick, that you and your kids would never be in danger again.  That takes time.  A great deal of time.  Someone with BPD generally needs years of intensive therapy to show a lot of improvement.

There's nothing wrong with ending this marriage - the one that isn't working, that puts you in danger - and staying single to see if, one day, your H makes the changes that you'd need to see.

[Goosey]

Once the genie is out of the bottle I feel it can’t be put back.
Heerrrres Johnny! 

[Cat Familiar]

My ex-husband had a hair-trigger temper. His assaults on me began with verbal abuse, which became almost an everyday occurrence. I was largely able to ignore much of that, particularly when it was directed at my driving abilities or about something I'd done. Over time, it transitioned into emotional abuse; he would note my vulnerabilities and exploit them for effect.

Though he would break things, it took a few years before he started physically assaulting me: punching me in the stomach, throwing me to the ground and sitting on me, wrapping his hands around my throat.

The pattern that was consistent with all these forms of abuse was that they began slowly, but over time, the acceleration from anger to more intensive ways of hurting me increased at a dizzying rate.

I concur with others. People with BPD who are abusive will need to first, recognize these patterns in themselves, then commit to a serious program of therapy that will take much time to break these behavioral sequences. If not, they will continue to be abusive.

As with Redeemed's ex partner, my former husband apparently began physically abusing his next wife. I learned about this when I read in the newspaper that he was arrested for harming her. He subsequently fled the state (with her) and was put on the Sheriff's "Wanted List."

[Shakthi]

I want to give us another chance. I have known about his BPD and been in denial. I finally have  chance to work on myself and see how I can maybe be a success story. I also have baggage. I want to run back to him, I want to be loved and I want him back in our lives. I wish I were stronger, I wish I could  stop thinking about him. I am not sure where my head is right now. I am in pain and struggling.

[kells76]

Hi Shakthi, kudos for being real here. This is a good place to lay it all out.

What are some of the things you recognize about yourself that can be in your "success story"?

What are some "pieces of baggage" that you see that you want to work on?

For me, I have to work extra hard with these types of questions to make sure that I'm answering for ME, not "here is what I would do so that he would be happy or not in pain". Shall we challenge ourselves to focus on what WE want to work on for US?

I am not sure where my head is right now. I am in pain and struggling

Yes. That is very real. I just want to recognize how you are being honest here with where you're really at. I'm sorry it's a hurting place for you 

[Shakthi]

I am codependent. I am an enabler. I have my own abandonment and self worth issues. I know I have not listened to him, heard him or helped any situation. I have been controlling and reactive. Nothing about my acts say that I have done a decent job in this relationship. When my uBPDh pointed to what i was doing with the kids when he was rational I denied them, yelled at him as I did all the work. I wanted to be appreciated when I did not yell at the kids, it took conscious effort on my part but I was never seeing how he was reacting just like me. I never appreciated anything he did well. I need to work on myself. I am reading codependent no more, I find the book a little repetitive but many things I can relate to. I am getting therapy again twice a week, till I do better, then hope to never stop. I have reached out to family and friends to keep myself sane for now. My lawyer is also giving me reality checks, he is right but it is scary too. I am hoping we can take a break (time away) from each other and rebuild and I hope we can both look at each other and ask if we want to make this work or walk away. Right now I am in panic, I am confused, I want to fling myself back at him. I want the pain to stop. I know as a rational person thats not a good idea. I have no way of knowing he will not escalate or try to hurt me again. I know that he may not be able to keep any of his promises. I am in a bad place but I have hope and I have to hope for the best. I hope I learn, do better for myself (i am good at starting things) but I drop the ball easily. I need to keep at this and hope that I find happiness whether we work it out or not

[kells76]

Good to hear from you again.

Here's what I'm hearing that sounds like part of your "success story":

I need to work on myself.

I am getting therapy again twice a week,

I have reached out to family and friends to keep myself sane

I am hoping we can take a break (time away) from each other and rebuild

I hope I learn, do better for myself

And over all this, I hear someone who is willing to look at themselves and see "what did I do to contribute to our challenges". This is significant.

What a gift to your children that you are willing to try something -- a lot of things! -- different in order to make tomorrow healthier than today.

I want to fling myself back at him. I want the pain to stop. I know as a rational person thats not a good idea.

That's a really important insight to have -- there is something "lower pain" about being with him... maybe in the sense that it's "comfortable" or "familiar"? Maybe there is a dynamic you guys have about "coming back together" that is lower pain and higher relief? It's good that you are noticing that you want the pain to stop and that typically you would resolve the pain by "recycling". It is really good that you can step back and observe that that's what you want, and comment to yourself that that isn't a wise course.

I have my own abandonment and self worth issues.

Would you like to talk a little about that here with us? OK either way 

[ForeverDad]

I want to give us another chance.

Look back, how many "another chance" Gifts has he already gotten over the years?

One huge risk is that if he fails to turn his life around, he will walk away from this having learned how better to hide his misbehaviors from officialdom and how better to sabotage you the next time.  He will have learned you saying "Stop!" only means "Stop for now".  You will have set up a strong boundary for yourself and the kids, and then after a month or two willingly dismantled it.

Think about that... real hard.  There is real risk you are suffering from the Stokholm (hostage/abuse) syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse.

Sorry, but one-sided love does not overcome all.

Have you read semi-retired clinical psychologist Dr. Carver's articles on controllers, manipulators, users, losers and abusers?  Follow this link to his website and read what he's written.

[Shakthi]

Our relationship has not had any boundaries and I have made many mistakes. I have never really walked out, we have threatened to leave, both of us during fights. I agree about boundary setting and how long I hold it. that I will not pull the TRO or let go. This is my current thought, we go to court for the TRO at the end of the month. I stay in the house with the kids/ dogs and take care of us. his Lawyer has said he is moving into an apartment. he has not blocked any of our accounts (he has always been honorable about this part), as in how he supports his family financially. I am getting therapy and help, I hope he does too (he is seeing his psychiatrist and his alcohol counsellor through work), that is a first step. I plan to see how our interactions and the kids go over the next few months and by then hopefully  I will know where I stand. I post what I feel and trying to manage here. I am not sure what he wants as we are no contact other than through the lawyers and we don't see any information. I have asked my lawyer to communicate to him about things and holding on. I hope I manage. Works, kids, dogs, a house and working on myself is hard but I know I will get through. I am still in the early phase of missing him and thinking of him constantly. I know this too shall pass but it hasnt. We were 19/ 20 when we got involved, both of us had no real good relationships around us, both angry with our families and  so confused. We have had a 22 year ride and I am not sure I am ready to close us out completely, especially when I am realizing how I have also played a role in holding us back.

[Goosey]

  I struggle with “what’s worse”. The walking on eggshells or the emptiness when my wife moved on to the next person.
   I don’t think I will ever feel what I thought was happiness again. I apologize for the dark thought just Where I’m at. I just blurt out “why? In the middle of nothing as I try to function. 
   Ugh.   

[ForeverDad]

Recovery is a process, not an event.  It really does get better over time.  Give it time.  Find yourself a helpful counselor.  Enjoy your trusted friends and relatives.  It's good weather now, make time to have fun with the kids outdoors at parks and elsewhere.

Your perspective on your relationship will almost certainly change as time passes while away from the abuse and other concerning behaviors.  Give it time.

Ask your counselor whether there are any insights to be gained by researching Stockholm syndrome.  You may not have been held hostage by terrorists, but there are some similarities in your life.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological condition that occurs when a victim of abuse identifies and attaches, or bonds, positively with their abuser. This syndrome was originally observed when hostages who were kidnapped not only bonded with their kidnappers, but also fell in love with them.

[Shakthi]

Forever dad, thanks. I will bring it up in my next session. I went into work for a bit today, kids were at canp. In my way back I went and stared at the ocean for a bit (really helped). Dis groceries, worked some more. Was outside at a park area with rhe kids for a bit and working theough dinner and TV time. Feeling blessed and taking care of me and the family for today.

[I Am Redeemed]

While researching Stockholm syndrome, also look up "trauma bonding".

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse

Within a trauma bond, the narcissist's partner—who often has codependency issues—first feels loved and cared for. However, this begins to erode over time, and the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse takes over the relationship

[RolandOfEld]

Feeling blessed and taking care of me and the family for today.

Hi Shakthi, sorry I dropped off for a bit. I have a big bag of kudos to throw to you for what you've been doing:

1) Finding meaning and enjoyment in the moment. What you're going through is a horrific ordeal that the majority of people around you will not experience. Seeing that value and beauty in life persists even when we are going through a painful time is essential to survival. We can't live wholly in the coming challenges of the months and years ahead. Keep trying to find those moments every day!

2) The way you own your part in the problem. Let me be clear in saying that the danger to your family and your well being comes 100% from HIS side and you are clearly the only one being responsible here. I'm only saying that from my own experience, when we work from a completely victimized mindset, it limits our ability to make changes. Seeing where we went wrong is essential to seeing the way out.

3) Recognizing the attachments and that they are normal. I am dealing with this myself, the fact that buried under all of the pain and horror there is still a tiny seed of love. This is being human. You can't be with someone for so long and switch off all of those feelings in a moment just because you filed for a RO. 

The only advice I would add here is not to allocate too much mental or emotional bandwidth to worrying about your future with him. I think only once the basic protections have been set in place, everyone is safe, and your life without him is stabilized will you have the space to think about such things. Whenever I find myself softening or feeling guiltly about what I'm doing to her, I remind myself this is the person who attacked me in public five months ago and then had ME taken to the police. It might be helpful to keep a few "reminder" memories close on hand when you need to make an important decision.

Visualization is also key to staying on the path. Do you have a picture of what life as you think it should be looks like six months or a year from now? Would you be keen to share it?

~ROE

[Shakthi]

Ronald, I don't have a clear picture of what life would be 6 months from now. I am working on one day/ one week at a time for now. My lawyer is being really smart and i have asked him to remind me of a couple of points when I get emotional or think about just running back to what was.
My plan for now, get therapy, find ways not to repeat what I was doing. This co dependency characteristics shows up in my parenting too. I am solving everyone's problems. I have done this for people at work too - so I need to address this for my life and do better.
I am working with my boss and team so that my work life is more flexible with more WFH hours. eventually I plan to move to a WFH type position, till the kids are older as that will help my anxiety with meeting work goals. It won't make it go away but flexibility in work hours is very important when I need to be physically with the kids, especially with covid.
Life on my own will need work, as my biggest concern here is finances. SInce my husband has been reasonable on this end for now, my fear on this end is reduced a bit. I am going to start budgeting and planning what I need over the next 3-4 months (I have this time now, with the TRO being on continuance and no court date set yet). I am also talking to a financial planner next week to get some idea of long term what I need to look at. I want to untangle things in this area and have a better understanding of what is where (step 1 for now).
Today, I shall focus on the weekend. Dogs needs walks (which means all of us have to be out of the house together). Kids and I will make a chore list and some fun things to do together and work on it.