A one year long distance relationship has been tricky and turbulent.

[Wendybird210]

I have had a one year relationship with a Norwegian man who has seemed perfect in so many ways. We have spent 3-4 hours on the phone each day. An hour and a half in the morning and evening. Over a few months we grew close. He had lost his wife to cancer 6 months earlier. The pandemic began and we are both retired and live alone. We shared many of the same values and interests and both loved talking and sharing our past. About every couple of months I would say something that might seem normal in the US but was a big deal to him and it would almost end the relationship. But he would reach out, and we would talk it through and begin enjoying each other again. However, the next time I said something he found hurtful, he would bring up the precious hurt as well. Somehow we worked through 4 of these, but now there's another and he has not called. At this point, I don't know if he is the one exhibiting BPD or me. The emotional pain is overwhelming. There is no talking about it. I believe he is probably done, but would like to understand if it was his issues, or my own, or a bad combination of both. I suspect we are each too insecure to trust completely.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wendybird, Welcome!  What makes you think your Ex suffers from BPD?  It's hard to tell from your post.  Fill us in, when you can.  I'm sorry to hear you are in pain.  I suggest you let go of the hope that your Ex will provide closure, as it's unlikely to happen with a pwBPD.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

[Football2000]

Regardless of whether your man has BPD, it is quite hard when your partner will bring up past hurts after you've talked about them and said sorry. That already makes the person difficult to work with, even if they don't have all the symptoms of some disorder.

Can you give us an example of some of the things that he became angry at?

[FindingMe2011]

Hello wendy. Im sorry you are hurting. Good thing you came here. Its a great place for info, and to talk with others with similar problems.

I have had a one year relationship with a Norwegian man who has seemed perfect in so many ways.

I have to ask. Has this whole relationship been executed by Internet and phone? Have you met in person?...There is an old saying "If something seems to good to be true"

However, the next time I said something he found hurtful, he would bring up the precious hurt as well.


So the eternal victim? Talk about walking on eggshells (great book by the way) So instead of just telling you "Hey thats sort of a sore subject cuz..." he had to play out the drama? Im wondering how much this would ramp up, or how it would turn, if you moved in together?

At this point, I don't know if he is the one exhibiting BPD or me.

Rest assure the percentage of BPDers trying to figure themselves out, is close to zero.

About every couple of months I would say something that might seem normal in the US but was a big deal to him and it would almost end the relationship.

Sounds like you are making up excuses for his behavior

I suspect we are each too insecure to trust completely.

I dont see this from your end. In fact you are willing to take blame for an honest mistake, from words you spoke with no ill intentions. How does this work? I wish you well, Peace