Been broken up for 8 years, still processing this, I'm pissed.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Lets go over the stuff my ex-girlfriend did.

After hanging around a bunch of potential partners, chose me, then basically built up a huge lie to me.

Whenever I had an anxiety that she felt "controlled" by, she would stoke the anxiety to not be controlled by it.

She wouldn't compromise, and would completely ignore what other people wanted and do whatever she wanted.

She told me to never to talk to others about her, saying she wanted to be private, when in reality she was trying to keep others from encouraging me to leave her. She isolated me from various people.

She blamed me for everything, damaging my self esteem.

She did some things that cost me my home, my job and my best friend.

While she was still living with me, she hung around a bunch of men until she picked one again and ran off with him.

She would not respect my boundaries and would not leave me alone when I told her/asked her to. I constantly felt harassed.

If I asked her to do something, she would often do the opposite. Completely disrespecting my reasonable wishes.

She was overly controlling of my sexuality. Making a big deal whenever there was a sexy lady in anything.

Hit me a bunch one time, even as I was crying, and kept hitting and screaming like a banshee.

She'd gaslight me, by doing crazy stuff that upset me, then act like the victim and use other people against me.

This is all severely abusive and despicable behavior. Sure I understand she had a really bad childhood and is severely mentally ill. I can understand her side of things, but what about my side? I feel like a lot of people are making excuses for people with BPD, sure they need help and deserve to heal and grow, but this behavior is unacceptable to any self respecting, decent person. And honestly, it all still pisses me off a lot. I want to forgive, but I really feel like no amount of understanding is going to cause that, the only way I am going to get through that is by feeling all this disbelief, anger, and outrage. Hopefully these feelings evolve.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Lets go over the stuff my ex-girlfriend did.

After hanging around a bunch of potential partners, chose me, then basically built up a huge lie to me.

Whenever I had an anxiety that she felt "controlled" by, she would stoke the anxiety to not be controlled by it.

She wouldn't compromise, and would completely ignore what other people wanted and do whatever she wanted.

She told me to never to talk to others about her, saying she wanted to be private, when in reality she was trying to keep others from encouraging me to leave her. She isolated me from various people.

She blamed me for everything, damaging my self esteem.

She did some things that cost me my home, my job and my best friend.

While she was still living with me, she hung around a bunch of men until she picked one again and ran off with him.

She would not respect my boundaries and would not leave me alone when I told her/asked her to. I constantly felt harassed.

If I asked her to do something, she would often do the opposite. Completely disrespecting my reasonable wishes.

She was overly controlling of my sexuality. Making a big deal whenever there was a sexy lady in anything.

Hit me a bunch one time, even as I was crying, and kept hitting and screaming like a banshee.

She'd gaslight me, by doing crazy stuff that upset me, then act like the victim and use other people against me.

This is all severely abusive and despicable behavior. Sure I understand she had a really bad childhood and is severely mentally ill. I can understand her side of things, but what about my side? I feel like a lot of people are making excuses for people with BPD, sure they need help and deserve to heal and grow, but this behavior is unacceptable to any self respecting, decent person. And honestly, it all still pisses me off a lot. I want to forgive, but I really feel like no amount of understanding is going to cause that, the only way I am going to get through that is by feeling all this disbelief, anger, and outrage. Hopefully these feelings evolve.

[FindingMe2011]

After hanging around a bunch of potential partners, chose me, then basically built up a huge lie to me.
BPDers meticulously pick partners that are rescuers and more times than not, they hold narcissistic traits. Its an illness that requires a host to mirror, to create a false self as to not dwell on their real self ( persecution/victimization/annihilation) Make no mistake, many on here have ignored the red flags in hopes they found their soulmate.


Whenever I had an anxiety that she felt "controlled" by, she would stoke the anxiety to not be controlled by it.

She wouldn't compromise, and would completely ignore what other people wanted and do whatever she wanted.

She told me to never to talk to others about her, saying she wanted to be private, when in reality she was trying to keep others from encouraging me to leave her. She isolated me from various people.

She blamed me for everything, damaging my self esteem.

She did some things that cost me my home, my job and my best friend.


Unfortunately you're not alone. There are many on here with similar if not exact stories. This would all fall under the "devaluation stage"

While she was still living with me, she hung around a bunch of men until she picked one again and ran off with him

Sounds similar to how your relationship started, no? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. With BPD, it has to mirror another to survive. The second the mirror doesnt reflect good, another host is looked for.

Hit me a bunch one time, even as I was crying, and kept hitting and screaming like a banshee.
In BPD world, the mirror(you) was cracking, and so was she. This would go back to the annihilation or death experience the illness perceives, if not with a host or with a negative reflecting mirror. You got a glimpse into her childhood, and her unresolved trauma.

This is all severely abusive and despicable behavior. Sure I understand she had a really bad childhood and is severely mentally ill. I can understand her side of things, but what about my side?

I have said the exact words myself...I then came to understand, it was my side that I had no knowledge of...How could I be so naive? What kept me in this toxic relationship? Why didnt I care enough for my own well being?

I want to forgive, but I really feel like no amount of understanding is going to cause that, the only way I am going to get through that is by feeling all this disbelief, anger, and outrage. Hopefully these feelings evolve.

Sounds if you are stuck in the anger stage of grief. I would also have to believe 8 years of anger has alot more to do with you than her. She may have ripped open the wound you spent a lifetime repairing, but she wasnt the root cause. To me, forgiveness is not for the ones that did wrong things to us. Its for me. For most of my life i couldnt be kind and forgiving to myself. Therefore i could not genuinely do it to others. Do you have a T ? Do you think one could help?...I hope you go on a journey of self discovery. It was the best thing i ever did for myself... i wish you well, Peace

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey, thanks for responding.

While she was still living with me, she hung around a bunch of men until she picked one again and ran off with him

Sounds similar to how your relationship started, no? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. With BPD, it has to mirror another to survive. The second the mirror doesnt reflect good, another host is looked for.

This is kinda my point, they are essentially leeches that suck the life out of the victim until there's nothing left, then they discard the host.

This is all severely abusive and despicable behavior. Sure I understand she had a really bad childhood and is severely mentally ill. I can understand her side of things, but what about my side?

I have said the exact words myself...I then came to understand, it was my side that I had no knowledge of...How could I be so naive? What kept me in this toxic relationship? Why didnt I care enough for my own well being?

Oh I definitely see my own mistakes in this, I know I put up with abuse, compromised myself too much, looked for love externally too much, made too many excuses for her, blamed myself too much.

This is kind of why I am angry honestly, because before I thought I deserved what I was getting, now that I realize I didn't deserve this stuff, I feel a sense of outrage.

I want to forgive, but I really feel like no amount of understanding is going to cause that, the only way I am going to get through that is by feeling all this disbelief, anger, and outrage. Hopefully these feelings evolve.

Sounds if you are stuck in the anger stage of grief. I would also have to believe 8 years of anger has alot more to do with you than her. She may have ripped open the wound you spent a lifetime repairing, but she wasnt the root cause. To me, forgiveness is not for the ones that did wrong things to us. Its for me. For most of my life i couldnt be kind and forgiving to myself. Therefore i could not genuinely do it to others. Do you have a T ? Do you think one could help?...I hope you go on a journey of self discovery. It was the best thing i ever did for myself... i wish you well, Peace


I agree, forgiveness is for us. Well, I feel like I stuffed down the anger for years and didn't deal with it, so I'm dealing with it now. I used to visit this forum and I felt like there was no room for feelings anger and even hatred, everyone is so focused on being understanding to the person with BPD, that it feels like they aren't very understanding with themselves. And also, the people who run the site don't want to further stigmatize BPD, so they kind of stifle hatred and anger people are feeling, and jump right to understanding, which I don't think everyone is immediately ready for. Often victims of people with BPD are actually too understanding with the person with BPD, that's why they stayed in the relationship. So I rarely posted out my anger, and when I did, it got a pretty poor response.

I have a therapist and I'm starting to talk to him about all of this, after a long time of avoiding it. I agree though if I'm stuck in the anger for too long, then I may need to change my perspective. But as of now, I often feel better after I work through the anger, and do sometimes feel more understanding of her, or feel sadness instead of anger. I feel like I am on the right course, this is just where I am at.

[FindingMe2011]

I have a therapist and I'm starting to talk to him about all of this, after a long time of avoiding it. I agree though if I'm stuck in the anger for too long, then I may need to change my perspective. But as of now, I often feel better after I work through the anger, and do sometimes feel more understanding of her, or feel sadness instead of anger. I feel like I am on the right course, this is just where I am at.

Thats awesome you are doing something. For me i had to diagnose her, then the marriage, and low and behold i finally got to me it was the most painful, yet thats where ALL the answers were...Anger is not a stand alone emotion. There is some pain behind it. A BPDer can rip a bandage off an old emotional wound. They cant create one. Dont be so concerned about others responding to you. Type your ass off, its therapeutic and can help you track your own progress... For me, looking back, it showed how much i could lie to myself. If you think youre on the right course, then great. If you ever fell stuck, do something different. i hope your T gets into your FOO, fairly quickly. Its where all the answers are. I wish you well PEACE

[FindingMe2011]

Just wanted to mention also...When i first started i couldnt get to forgiveness. ACCEPTANCE was the goal. The good, the bad, and the ugly and i was responsible for 50%. Nobody held a gun to my head, but me.

[hurting300]

If it has been 8 years and you’re still thinking about it, then you need to examine yourself. Seriously look deep and ask why

[BuildingFromScratch]

If it has been 8 years and you’re still thinking about it, then you need to examine yourself. Seriously look deep and ask why

It's because I avoided it honestly. I tried to deal with it post break up, but it felt overwhelming so I ran away from it, then I tried again, and ran away again. Finally at a place in my life where I'm pretty sure I can deal with it. Also I was with her for 10 years, and she hurt me a ton. And I responded to her so poorly and let her walk on me way too much. It's all a recipe for a lot of pain.

Also, post breakup I had pretty severe disassociation, very severe anxiety, hyper all the time, and even had depersonalization disorder for a few years. All of this complicated my recovery. Also, I had poor self esteem, which caused me to spend a ridiculous amount of time wanting her back.

Now, I just want to work through the pain and move on honestly. I've learned how to have self respect, self responsibility, and self love and I've examined most of my mistakes in the relationship.

[BlueSpring]

Hi Building,
I read down the list and thought, "Wow, the same thing happened to me."  I could write an identical list.  Especially this one:
"She told me to never to talk to others about her, saying she wanted to be private, when in reality she was trying to keep others from encouraging me to leave her. She isolated me from various people."

I knew her for a few months before we officially stared dating, but we were only two weeks into our relationship when she attacked me physically.  It's a long story, but she took my phone, my wallet, my glasses, my car keys, and my car because it was in her garage.  I had to walk a few miles to a phone and call the cops.  I had to be checked out at the hospital for injuries.  In the end, I felt sorry for her and dropped the charges, but what followed was a prolonged nightmare.

She did exactly what your ex did.  She was constantly on the prowl for other guys.  I could be sitting right next to her, and she was online in every forum imaginable setting up possibilities, flirting, and acting single.  She was never loyal to me, but, (same as your experience, ) she went berserk if so much as looked at a woman walking by or saw one on television.  She was jealous and angry about relationships I had years and years ago long before I met her. 

And everything was my fault.  She even uses those exact words.  She lied and called me a liar, she cheated and called me a cheater, she is unstable and called me unstable. 

So, I get what you're going through, and I get the anger.  Right now I really want to see this thing she has going on with this new guy blow up like an atom bomb, with the police involved and everything.  And because it's true that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, it probably will.  He can't escape her BPD devaluation forever.

But you got some really good advice here, and it's advice that I'm going to take to heart as well.  Because being treated like this hurts, and it's not normal.  And I know I'm also angry, and I'm not thinking like the most enlightened person in the world, but right now I'm not that developed yet, hopefully someday we can get past this. 

It's good to meet you.  It's nice to talk to someone who has had the same experience.

BlueSpring

[Rev]

Hey there my friend,

I'm just going to reach out quickly so that I don't lose the thread.

Eight years is a long time, but you know, I see it as a symptom of how deeply she cut into you. And I am really sorry to hear that.

It sounds like you are in something called protracted grief - grief that remains unprocessed but that after a time (two years in general) bakes its way into other things - like yeast in bread - that cause negative feelings to rise.

I'll reread this again a write back later. But I just wanted you to know that once you put your finger on where that grief is springing from, there's better hope for healing.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

I, too, had a lot of anger many years after I divorced my ex husband. You can read all about it in my threads in the first years I was on this site, but please don’t. 

It took a while just to get it out there, because I had suppressed it for such a long time. It was not safe to express when I was in the relationship, and then when I had moved on, well, it seemed a bit pointless to talk to friends about, since I was free of the one who was eliciting those feelings.

I did therapy for a couple of years afterwards and that helped, but still I had a deepseated reserve of anger that never got expressed.

Finally, it did here. There were lots of people who were very compassionate and understanding who helped me through it.

I’m sorry that you hadn’t felt supported for those feelings previously.

Along with the support was a gentle reminder of asking me what I wanted and how I saw my future. That was a new concept for me in a way, because I’d been accustomed to being in a reactive position, always responding to BPD chaos, not really being at choice about what specifically I wanted.

I hope that you will feel free to explore your anger here. Yes, our partners have been dealing with mental illness and can behave in outlandishly unreasonable and unkind ways. But something in us determined to stay in those relationships, in spite of the poor treatment, and whatever that component is, is something worthy of exploration.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Bluespring: Sorry you had hit to the point that you had to go to the hospital, that's pretty messed up. Yes it's okay to feel anger and I'm not really at some super enlightened place about it either, but I think this is all part of the process. Hope you feel better.

Rev: Thanks, I do think I have sorta delayed onset grief with some of this.

Cat Familiar: Yeah, I think I couldn't process the anger while it was happening, because I was in a constant state of feeling unsafe and anxious, also I had to suppress it so I didn't do something violent and regrettable. I do go to therapy and it's helpful, but what I find most helpful is to journal, punch my pillow, scream into it, and pacing back and forth and venting aloud. Sure seems like there's a lot of it though.

Thanks for permission to feel angry, makes it a little easier. Also, of course I do need to look at myself and make sure I don't repeat the mistake of putting myself into such a bad situation and staying in it again.

[Rev]

Rev: Thanks, I do think I have sorta delayed onset grief with some of this.


Thanks for permission to feel angry, makes it a little easier. Also, of course I do need to look at myself and make sure I don't repeat the mistake of putting myself into such a bad situation and staying in it again.

Hi again Starting,

So I read all of this - and I just wanted to add a few small things...

One - My own leadership coach got herself out of a NPD relationship - still feels the echos of her divorce seven years later. Every year a little less - still there tho.

Two - Cat gave me the same advice about anger and I found it helpful. I find this place incredibly helpful too.

Three - I just finished a MA Psychotherapy Research Project on male victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse.  Our victimhood is marginalized to the point that we learn to minimize the effects. I did some pretty intensive CBT with people who took my victimhood seriously so that I could move through it.

Four - One of the particular things that seems to happen to male victims in general is that we are not broken by the experience so much as we are picked apart. So if we don't see to it to put ourselves back together properly, you end up still dis-ordered as a result of having been in an intimate relationship with someone who is disordered.  

Five - Protracted grief is not a late onset of grief. Protracted grief is a condition of grief that in a PTSD like way, infects almost all of our experience. For example, if you don't process anger by allowing yourself to find healthy ways to express the anger - then you end up being angry.  So in the case of protracted grief, you might need to examine how your experience of her in the past has impacted and continues to impact your experiences after the break-up.  All this means is that may be extra dynamics to work through.  (Hope this makes sense - sometimes its referred to a complicated grief or prolonged grief)

So... If you are in therapy - and you are beginning to address your feelings of anger, the I agree with you that you are on the right path.

Best to you in your journey.

Rev

[BuildingFromScratch]

Five - Protracted grief is not a late onset of grief. Protracted grief is a condition of grief that in a PTSD like way, infects almost all of our experience. For example, if you don't process anger by allowing yourself to find healthy ways to express the anger - then you end up being angry.  So in the case of protracted grief, you might need to examine how your experience of her in the past has impacted and continues to impact your experiences after the break-up.  All this means is that may be extra dynamics to work through.  (Hope this makes sense - sometimes its referred to a complicated grief or prolonged grief)

It's true, anger has kind of infected my life, makes me less trusting of people, more avoidant and shy of people, more short with people, and makes me have a worse attitude towards women. I don't go around lashing out at people all the time and I do a good job at being fair, but it definitely spills out in subtle ways, and affects my ability to maintain/engage with relationships.

Just last night I had a really productive session of punching my pillow, screaming into it, and journaling, and I feel much more friendly, light and happy today. Of course it's normally short lived, and the other feelings will come back. But it does feel like over time they are becoming less intense. At first my thoughts were the most hateful and vile thoughts imaginable, now the hateful thoughts have lessened and it's more of an anger than a hate.

[Cat Familiar]

It takes time. You have every right to be angry about what you endured. It's good that pillow punching and journaling are providing you an outlet. You've got a lot of history to grieve. 

Cat

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

[BlueSpring]

I can relate with the anger.  I'm entering the anger stage myself.  At first I was sad and confused, but not this anger is overtaking me.  It's intense and feels like it might last for years.

I get it.  I know how you feel. 

[Rev]

I can relate with the anger.  I'm entering the anger stage myself.  At first I was sad and confused, but not this anger is overtaking me.  It's intense and feels like it might last for years.

I get it.  I know how you feel. 

I went through my own period of anger... I put almost 3000 miles on my car driving it out.  Countless cigarettes too.  It'll pass.

But it really does suck.

Rev

[grumpydonut]

I put almost 3000 miles on my car driving it out.

About 4,000 kms for me!

[BuildingFromScratch]

One thing that been hitting me is how lonely this whole experience has been. And I'm not even a person prone to getting lonely, I do fine on my own much of the time.

It was lonely being isolated from my friends, and having her suck the life out of me. It was lonely being abused and then told not to talk about it by my ex, and also just feeling too ashamed of the stuff I put up with to talk about it. It was lonely suffering all that pain alone. It was lonely post breakup, when no one understood because they didn't know much about BPD.

It's less lonely, especially here, as I work through this stuff with people who have had similar experiences, but damn was it lonely.

[Rev]

It's less lonely, especially here, as I work through this stuff with people who have had similar experiences, but damn was it lonely.

Oh my can I relate to this.  I am coming thru the first year of being separated. By this time last year, I have been couch surfing for about 6 weeks, getting ready to move into my new apartment with almost nothing. I took only the things from the house that did not remind me of her. I remember throwing a 225$ Swiss Army watch in the garbage chute...  clang clang clang all the way down.

But I digress.  One day it hit me.  I had spent more time with my friends in those six weeks than the five years I had been with her. We had no friends, did nothing really except go on expensive vacations that we didn't really enjoy and that we couldn't afford.

It was then that I truly understood that I didn't need to have someone in my life to be happy.   I started dating on MATCH and that was fun for a while. Until I started to realize how much time it was going to take to wade thru it all.  And so I stopped. Today I am with someone who has been a long time friend. It is different than anything I have ever known. It's calm and it has conversation about things that are every day. At first it took some getting used to and now I would not trade it in for the world.

Meanwhile, my ex, a year later just smeared me on Facebook (again!) but now my friends and those who know me are saying to her - still? still there? wow! You just need to move on now. That's enough.

So, yes, I too found companionship here. It really does take someone who has been there to really see you. When I found this place I felt truly seen in what I had lived. And that made all the difference in the world.   A few months later, I attended an all day conference where my ex was also a participant. We work for the same organization - and now knowing that I could be "me" and with the help of some colleagues to support me - I choked back the fear and entered the room - and owned it.

So - keep sharing and posting and one day - you're going to pay this forward to the next man who is too afraid, or ashamed, or bewildered or lonely or whatever to understand what happened to him.

Keep on keeping on.

Rev

[BlueSpring]

So, yes, I too found companionship here. It really does take someone who has been there to really see you. When I found this place I felt truly seen in what I had lived. And that made all the difference in the world.  

[BlueSpring]

It helps to talk to someone who has been through it.  I'm a little lonely right now myself, and I've always been a bit of an introvert.  I think it's the difference between the intensity and the calm.  It takes awhile to readjust. 

[BlueSpring]

a

[Goosey]

I had become an expert of erasing long rambling voice messages  while driving. I would hit 3 and start again Just to never leave message at all. I’d do it for hours. 
 
  Nuts. Whole situation was nuts. For years.
All quiet now. I’m despised.
   Just have to keep reading on the “stages” and I realize this journey to recover is well trodden.
Good luck to all.