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Author Topic: Today is Anniversary of Death of Mom with BPD Part 2  (Read 477 times)
zachira
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« on: July 14, 2020, 03:32:11 AM »

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345321.0;all

I have contacted the High Conflict Institute and here are Bill Eddy's recommendations:

I wanted to let you know that Bill would only be able to do a consultation.  He cannot offer representation or letter writing.  Bill acknowledged that a letter from a lawyer would be helpful, but in many of these situations, it seems to simply escalate things.  He suggested that a specific consultation with a local estate lawyer or real estate lawyer where the property is would be more helpful than his general high conflict consultation.

Here is my initial inquiry:

Message: My mother died on July 4, 2019. I own properties with both my siblings, a brother who is likely an undiagnosed BPD and a sister who in my opinion meets all the criteria for NPD, though I do not know if she has been diagnosed by a professional. There are endless problems with the coowned properties and estate. My siblings seem to be only looking for control and conflict,, My efforts for collaboration and solutions are not working, and their cruel manipulations just seem to be escalating. I coown the summer cottage with my sister who has taken every holiday since we owned the cottage together the last few years despite my requests to have some of this time. My sister is now apparently stealing money from our accounts. I am thinking that I need someone who knows about personality disorders and the law to let me know what my options are, and to write some letters to my siblings. I have read several of Bill Eddy's books. What kind of help do you think would be the most effective and not be too costly? I do not think mediation would work at all. I do think that some well written letters might help to bring some of these challenging issues to a close. I believe first it would make sense to get help writing the letters and have me send them, and as a last resort involve a lawyer. I do not want to sue my siblings because I know that they thrive on drama and conflict. What do you think? Has letter writing instead of mediation ever worked and is it worth a try to get the joint property issues solved so I can finally go no contact with my siblings?
« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 01:27:07 PM by Harri, Reason: split thread due to length » Logged

GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2020, 09:40:34 AM »

Zachira, it just occurred to me that the lawyer handling your mother's estate surely must have worked with several real estate lawyers over the years -- and I have to believe that other estates involved some conflict over real estate.

Can he/she give you three names to interview?

It might be good to have representation from someone who has had a working relationship with the estate lawyer who has a sense of your sister's behavior.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
zachira
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« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2020, 10:29:02 AM »

GaGrl,
My brother told me he ordered the second lawyer who took over after the first one retired not to talk to me, and he can do that. The second lawyer never returned my calls. I am also wondering if my brother has fired the second lawyer. The one time I talked with my brother, he said he guessed he would settle the estate now that I had agreed to not take any of my mother's things. My brother is clearly dragging things out against the lawyer's wishes or he has fired her. He has to be in control and call the shots.
My next step is to do some legal research on the laws in the state where my mother lived and the cottage and other properties are located. I have already found that I can get a consult  with a lawyer for a reasonable fee through a list provided by the state bar association. I am also asking people for recommendations for lawyers.
I am looking for a lawyer that knows something about BPD and NPD. Bill Eddy has trained quite a few of them, and I am sure there are many who have read his books.
Thank you for your support. You have given me a lot of good information and ideas many times.

The support means a lot. It is not such a lonely long hard road when I post here, people read my posts, and so many kind people take the time to share their thoughts.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2020, 10:35:27 AM by zachira » Logged

GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2020, 10:51:23 AM »

So your brother was named the sole executor?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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zachira
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2020, 11:14:28 AM »

GaGrl:
Yes, my brother is the sole executor.
Originally I was to take his place if he died before I did. Then mom changed the will to make my sister the person to take his place. Now I wonder how that came about.
For years, my mother swore she did not want my sister to ever be the executor, because my BIL would do all the work, which is true. Mom resented my sister getting married, and she opposed any of us getting married or having a serious relationship unless it suited her needs. It took years for my mother to decide she liked my BIL who did many nice things for her.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2020, 11:38:14 AM »

The entire setup was so bad. My husband is a financial advisor and sees a lot of dysfunctional estate situations. He has specifically advised clients to talk to an estate lawyer about making an appropriate third-party executor.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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zachira
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« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2020, 11:50:41 AM »

GaGrl,
What is an appropriate third party executor? I am working on my estate to make sure my siblings don't get anything and that the many people who have been kind to me will get what is left of my money and belongings when I pass away. I have two people who have agreed to be my executors, and they have been warned about the problems with my sister with NPD, and know quite a bit about how my brother with BPD has mistreated me.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2020, 01:26:18 PM »

A third-party executor can be anyone outside the immediate family. It can be, as you indicate, anyone you trust that is aware of the issues you anticipate might arise. It can be as formal as your lawyer, who you arrange to pay for the services to your estate. The critical factor is naming that party who is not necessarily benefiting from the estate and has the ability to remain objective about the parties involved.

My husband has frequently come up against beneficiary situations that he refers to estate lawyers, due to lack of trust or previous bad behavior -- example, a couple with two daughters, one of whom is trustworthy (as is her husband), and the other whose husband is exceptionally dominating and controlling and has not been financially trustworthy. So the estate lawyer set up a trust to pay out that half of the estate in monthly disbursements, to minimize the influence her husband might have over a large sum given at once.

We retired a few years ago, and it's time we changed our wills also! Circumstances change.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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zachira
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« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2020, 04:09:20 PM »

GaGrl,
Thank you for the helpful information about third-party executor. My mother arranged to have a lawyer take care of the estate along with having my brother as the executor. I will have to check if indeed my brother can fire the lawyer. I don't see anything in my mom's will that fits what you describe. I will look into having a third-party executor for my will, and you have given me the terminology I need to use to investigate this. Thank you.
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« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2020, 09:45:52 AM »

Hi Zachira
I admit I haven't read all of the previous posts (having my own crisis the past few days) so my post may be redundant, but have you considered hiring a real estate attorney. Surely a lawyer with real estate expertise has encountered many challenging scenarios. Aside from that, continued work on your emotional well being, which you are already doing is so important, always is, but especially at a time like this.
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zachira
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« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2020, 10:28:42 AM »

Madeline7,
I am sorry you are having a crisis right now.
I am thinking of hiring a real estate lawyer. The reality of hiring a lawyer is the lawyer can only do what is within the law. I think owing a joint property is like being married, if you didn't  have a written agreement before about certain things like a prenup in the case of a marriage, than it is harder to change things.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2020, 10:57:40 AM »

The reality of hiring a lawyer is the lawyer can only do what is within the law. I think owing a joint property is like being married, if you didn't  have a written agreement before about certain things like a prenup in the case of a marriage, than it is harder to change things.


What a real estate lawyer can do is help put agreements in place that have not been clearly stated before -- such as number of weeks at the cottage assigned for joint or exclusive usage -- and to ensure adherence to the financial agreements that do exist -- such as the questions over the current bank account dealings. One thing your real estate lawyer might do immediately is ask for an audit of the financials. Your sister might resist a formal audit, but it could spur her to sort out the current "confusion" while putting her on notice that you now have eyes on the joint property dealings. Worse case scenario, your lawyer could petition court to get an audit. If she sees she can't play fast and loose with the property, she might be more willing to sell to you or sell outright.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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zachira
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« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2020, 11:46:15 AM »

GaGrl,
I agree with everything you just wrote. I am researching lawyers while also finding out what I can expect to reasonably achieve. This takes time. My sister is so set on revenge and doing maximum damage that I really want to avoid getting into a lawsuit. She is wealthy and I am not. Over the years, she has worked behind the scenes to recruit many family members and friends to advocate for her. I only recently starting speaking up for myself realizing I was being mercilessly smeared behind my back. I also have to take into account my brother has not settled the estate; he could jump into the fray to support my sister and still has the capacity to really harm me in many ways too numerous to list here. I am trying to work on not interacting with my siblings and BIL directly while not being a doormat. I have decided my goal every day is to be the best person I can be that day. I realize I am likely going to have to sell the cottage, lose the place I love dearly, where I see so many family friends and relatives I love. My sister will make sure she buys the cottage for a bargain basement price, as she has to win. It just is taking me time to make the right decisions, grieve so many painful loses, and move on.
Thank you for staying with me on this one. It is like what so many of our members deal with. There are no quick solutions, and lots of pain and challenges to keep moving forward.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 11:51:28 AM by zachira » Logged

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