blackhole90
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8
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« on: July 14, 2020, 01:41:22 PM » |
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Hey friends,
I would love to hear your advice before I mess up even more, than I already did.
One year ago we started dating, but it took me 8 months to truly commit to her. So basically we were an affair over the period of these first months. Then I started to believe all the things she told me and began to progress things to the next level. Which means I was telling her I love her, stopped seeing others and so on... This was in April. During this time she also got diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist since I encouraged her to seek help for some of her mental problems she was always mentioning. She tried to call a few therapists but finally lost the courage. Btw, she's clearly the raging type of bpd, she hits and screams. I only knew a quiet one before, so I probably wouldn't have known she is BPD since I misinterpreted this as a hot blooded temper at first.
Shortly after I gave her the security of really being into her, I started to realise little devaluations. Her respect for me was decreasing, she started talking to ex boyfriends and a few new made "male friends". She told me, she wouldn't have started dating me, if she knew what kind of pussy I was. This went on till now. 6 weeks ago I had to start writing a thesis, which gave us a really hard time. At some point I told her, that I will probably need her help, while she's with me, if we want to continue to hang out mostly every day. She then started to take really good care, and I moved into her place for 20 days, to have some sort of "stable surrounding" during my writing. Those days were marked by a lot of rollercoaster-like feelings. One day she was happy and helpful, on the other day I felt I'm a burden to her, which then mostly ended in fights. Those fights were mostly short in duration, since I always told her that I need to have a peaceful surrounding to follow my studies. We somehow managed to finish my work, but it was not satisfiable to me, so I moved over to my place after the deadline was reached, in order to finish the leftover work in this thesis on my own. During those days she came to visit which sometimes gave me feelings of being occupied by her too often, since I didn't finish the writing yet. Over a week ago, she came over to see me and have dinner but I unintentionally gave her a feeling of rejection, since I told her she's here to early and that I still have to work. I use adderall due to my adhd so I can keep being focused and it stole my feelings of empathy. This night was the worst of all our fight-nights, since I was really mean and started drinking heavy which resulted in a disgusting word-war, that ended with her threatening to leave my place immediately, me sobbing and whining, and telling her she's doing whatever she wants to do anyway. She then left some hours after midnight and I didn't plead her to stay as I usually did.
Next day she called me, to accuse me of betrayal and giving her STD, since her doctor called an told her she needs to come in and get some medicine, without further explanation. She was mad, but I was understanding and told her, that I didn't betray her since the day I truly committed to her. I told her to better talk to the doctor first, before accusing me of such bulls*** and that I would escort her to the doc if she wants - she refused. Next day she's out from the doc's, calling me, telling me it wasn't my fault but that there was some other issue. I told her fine, so let's meet up and she was like: No, she doesn't need a boyfriend high on adderall and that we should anyways "draw some consequences". I was irritated but swallowed it since this seemed like one of her usual threats to get me under control. I had a lot of stuff going on that day, and the day before and the days after, because I was in the middle of finishing my thesis, which hindered me to jump into her game. So I ignored it.
She then went into a full blown rage, telling me she can't believe I'm still using Adderall (which I mentioned over phone before, and which she believes is the reason for me being cold and mean) after our fight went so bad, two days before. She told me she couldn't stand it, that I have a sick mind and that I should start rehab, since she's not having any capacity for this whole sh** anymore. After this she blew up my phone throughout the whole day, I refused to take any of those calls, but when my phone rang for the 10th time that night I took it and asked her: what's up. She said she's worried about me. Why am I not answering my calls. I said: you just broke up with me. She answered in a raging tone: well then, everything seems clear.
Later she wrote me a text saying: This will be the last thing you'll hear from me and first of all: I'm sorry how it went here.
I love you, but I will try to forget you as soon as possible. I can't stand the sight of you that day we fought and the despair and suffering on your face when you are drunk. I can't watch you destroy yourself and me right away. You kept saying that you will no longer take adderall and drink, but you just can't get it under control. My body literally tears at the thought of being without you, but it will be the best for me and you are probably better off without me. Please take care of yourself.
I realised that she blocked me on all social media but left one messenger open, probably so that she could check if I'm still alive. She know's I have troubles myself with adhd and chronic depression. I thought we will make it through this hard time together and that she'll understand or at least see or feel, that after I have finished, we'll have each other back again, like in that time before I had to work like a horse. I see know, way to late that I put too much weight onto her. I was stupid and high from the medicine. I'm not like that know, after I finished the project. And I wasn't like that before neither. I thought she will see the real me, but for now, all she see's is the devil I was during this tough times of stress.
So I really have been a total jerk but I love her and I don't know how to get her to know that.
I didn't contact her for a week now, since the last breakup text and call.
Any advice how to operate from here?
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