I need support -separation- long term relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I'm going through so much emotionally right now. It's hard to talk about this with folks around me because they don't know about BPD. I'm separating from my husband after 19 years together. I'm clear, but it still hurts a lot, and I tend to feel confused. He tells me I've ruined his life and he's abusive and manipulative. He always asks for more, and is very critical, and complains about me not doing what I should've done to help him, even though I've been the only one who has worked and paid for all our expenses for the last 9 and half years. I've also spent thousands of hours listening to him as he has so much to say about everything, never ends. I feel exhausted. It's time I take care of myself better. I still want to help him because his suffering is so great, and it's hard for him to take care of himself. But I need my space!

Thank you for any support, help, ideas, etc, you can bring my way


 

[Fleurnm]

Hello,

I'm going through so much emotionally right now. It's hard to talk about this with folks around me because they don't know about BPD. I'm separating from my husband after 19 years together. I'm clear, but it still hurts a lot, and I tend to feel confused. He tells me I've ruined his life and he's abusive and manipulative. He always asks for more, and is very critical, and complains about me not doing what I should've done to help him, even though I've been the only one who has worked and paid for all our expenses for the last 9 and half years. I've also spent thousands of hours listening to him as he has so much to say about everything, never ends. I feel exhausted. It's time I take care of myself better. I still want to help him because his suffering is so great, and it's hard for him to take care of himself. But I need my space!

Thank you for any support, help, ideas, etc, you can bring my way


 

[Football2000]

I know the feeling. My partner used to talk for hours about her problems. Sometimes I was a little impatient about them and other times I listened. It was a lot but I got used to it. However, it became too much when she turned on me. I think there is a fine line between relying on someone healthily about problems and using someone as a receptacle or trash can. I think people with BPD symptoms can get to a point where it's the latter, because they can't feel anything else except fear and they defend themselves in erratic ways.

It is hard, especially knowing someone for so long. I think some of us on this board are very empathic, and it's easy for us to put our needs on the back burner for someone else. It's a great trait in a normal relationship because sometimes you need to do that, but it does not work very well when the other person has BPD.

You've already stated that you need to work on yourself and that's powerful. Keep doing that. Just so you know, you're not alone.

[FindingMe2011]

I'm going through so much emotionally right now. It's hard to talk about this with folks around me because they don't know about BPD.

I can remember going through this same event, with nobody around to validate my feelings. Telling BPD stories, with my emotions running, made me out to be the crazy one. Its important to have a steady support group with you, and someone who can give you sound input. Are you able to see a T ?

I'm separating from my husband after 19 years together.

Did 12 1/2 years with BPD, I can relate. Do you have an exit plan?

I'm clear, but it still hurts a lot, and I tend to feel confused.

Expect the roller coaster ride, its to be expected. The confusion will be FOG (fear obligation, guilt) The pain is yours to investigate when possible, BPD just ripped the bandage off your emotional issue.

He tells me I've ruined his life and he's abusive and manipulative. He always asks for more, and is very critical, and complains about me not doing what I should've done to help him, even though I've been the only one who has worked and paid for all our expenses for the last 9 and half years. I've also spent thousands of hours listening to him as he has so much to say about everything, never ends.

Just wondering does he seek out others? Not that it really matters cuz abuse is abuse

I feel exhausted. It's time I take care of myself better.

Attempting to be emotionally responsible for 2 is humanly impossible. Im sure its killed many of people that have tried. For now eating well, sleep and exercise will serve you well. I remember looking in the mirror one day, and hardly recognizing myself, it was killing me.

I still want to help him because his suffering is so great, and it's hard for him to take care of himself. But I need my space!

Im wondering exactly what you can do different, than you have in the past 19 years. You appear conflicted, how would you balance, taking space and helping him. May I suggest taking your space and working on you and allow him to do the same? Expect your abandonment fears to challenge you.  Being in a dysfunctional relationship with BPD opened up wounds i never dreamed of...But it also gave me the blessing of figuring out me. I wish you well Peace

[JNChell]

I’m sorry that this is happening for you. You’ve endured all that you can. Perhaps the best conclusion that you’ve come to is that it’s time to take care of yourself. Most folks don’t understand these personality issues. BPD, NPD and the like. However, we do. Not only knowing them, we have loved them and been abused by them. You shouldn’t feel obligated to help him anymore. As you said, you need your space.

Can you tell us more about the situation?