Ex has reached out

[NoliTimere]

My ex (diagnosed with BPD), who I was on/off together with for five years before we broke up in November, sent me a long email and I don't know what to do with it.

We chatted again a lot March-May until he told me he had been seeing someone. I was gutted but knew I didn't want to be friends and politely said I didn't feel comfortable speaking to him if he was in a relationship and that it wouldn't be fair on me either but I wish  him all the best. That was it from me. I cried, I posted on here - and owe everyone who commented then a big thank you! I muted/unfollowed him and his entire family and close friends on social media (though didn't unfriend them) and started the process of healing myself and moving on with my life. I've started new projects, moved into my own flat (I was living with friends) and even went on some dating apps!

I feel positive about my life.

Then yesterday an email lands in my inbox from my ex. It's an apology. Many apologies. He says he learned something about himself watching a show which resonated with him - that he's lost inside himself and that even if he can see where he's going - towards tragedy - he can't change his route or change himself. He then apologised for how he treated me, apologised for never replying to my email above (because he says he was upset with me and by the finality of things), that he understands how it must have been so so horrible for me (exact - slightly condescending - words) and that he wishes he had behaved better. In the end he wishes me joy.

I honestly don't know what to do with it. It doesn't ask anything or require a response. He starts the email saying he is sort of trying to make amends, and looking for some recognition and hopes it will help me somehow. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel like a meaningful apology. I don't really need apologies. I wanted him to love me and value me and invest in working on a relationship with me - like equals. He didn't do those things that I needed and so it ended. This email makes me feel… like I'm being cast like a victim? And it doesn't feel good. It also makes me wonder what it is he is looking for - recognition of what? That he isn't a bad person? That he is truly sorry? Or, to be honest, it makes me wonder who this is this for? His new gf? New friends? It feels.. performative, like he is playing the part of a person who makes amends with the past. I don't really buy it. Because this email isn't about me.

And I feel like I don't owe him these things. I don't need to help him in his new relationship, or to find closure. I helped him enough for little in return. But there's a small part of me that also feels angry - like, no, you don't get to play this part, the remorseful hero, all sympathetic for the suffering victim! I'm not the person he's trying - again - to cast me in.

So, I guess, I'm stuck wondering what to make of it and what to do for myself right now. My friends feel I should ignore, delete, move on - he hasn't changed, as he makes clear. And I get that, but there's a small frustration here that I am finding hard to put to rest. So, I don't know, I'm looking to this community to help me make sense of what this is.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Football2000]

I'm just curious, if you had to read an email from him, is there anything he could say that would actually make you feel better?

I think you have to ask yourself, what are you looking for from him? If it's nothing, I don't think you should respond really.

[NoliTimere]

This is a good question and I have thought about it. And yes, I think there are emails I would have liked to receive from him. I don't think I need them to feel better - no, but there are emails that would have made me feel less… manipulated.

1, an email where he takes responsibility for himself and his behaviour. 2, an email that recognises how I feel, or who I am, or what I want and need out of life. What I did in the relationship, and what my needs and desires are. Not just then, but now.

These apologies that are linked to the same old excuses that absolve him of responsibility don't have much value to me - if you're sorry for how you behave then take responsibility to change, but what good is sorry, when you have no intent to change? And what's more what good is any of this to me when it no longer affects me and your behaviour has dictated that we're no longer in each others' lives? I feel like he's projecting, instead of doing the work of thinking about where I am in my life or what matters to me. He just doesn't see me.

Fine, this email isn't about me, it is about him. But then he should say so outright - that he's asking for something from me, after everything. And acknowledge that I may not want to give it to him or need to.

I think that for a long time I wanted that second email. An email that was actually about him trying to understand me. Now, I don't know if he's in a place where he could deliver that…

[Football2000]

I hear you. I think especially since you are not together with him any more, he is just going to focus on himself, and now perhaps he wants forgiveness. But since you are not together any more you don't have any responsibility towards him so you don't have to provide that. Moreover, forgiveness is something that only you can decide you're ready for, if at all, even in a relationship.