Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
Temporary cessation of BIG behaviors. No actual change.
I'm curious to know if you see the possibility of cognitive distortions in the above quote.
Maybe, but I’m not predicting the future. I’m stating facts.
He hasn’t sent a vile, disgusting, long-winded rage text in a while.
He has texted me about starting a war. He has asked to divorce and give him his name back. He has broken a dish, a glass, a decoration and a television. He has called me autistic. He has called me a hillbilly. He’s snapped at everyone in the house. He has myopically focused on the neighbors and called them a ton of names when they’ve done nothing to him. All since he stopped rage texting.
What is distorted? How could I prove these to you? I could send you the text messages. I could send you pictures of the broken tv and dishes.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
Everyday annoyances, comments, manipulations continued. I mistook them as minor personality traits/flaws...until I saw them snowball and become more insidious.
An interesting observation...
"I saw them" seems rather passive, like you were only an observer. Can you reflect a bit and see if there is a better way to think about and express your point.
Think that’s the point here. I was passive with his bad behavior (mind you I am NOT saying ALL of his behavior was bad, I am simply referring to the behavior that was). I avoided addressing because as a one off, it was more “he had a bad day”, “work was stressful” or “he doesn’t like xxx.” But those excuses had to get bigger to explain the behavior.
What do you not believe in this?
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
So, yes, definitely not best approach with H.
So..very wise of you to understand there are different approaches and those approaches that you use result in different outcomes. hmmm...interesting. Think there is something useful in this observation?
Look, I have four kids. Everyone of them different and unique and wonderful. I’ve taught kids and coached kids, I’ve worked for big companies and small. Rich people, poor people. Educated and uneducated. I’ve interacted with other parents and teachers and religious leaders. I approach things from many angles. I try different things when what I did, didn’t work.
This is so much greater than changing approach. Sure, it’s possible to improve some behavior, at least for a while. But I would like to suggest this is also a moving target.
That psychology book...what does it say about the likelihood a BPD or NPD is to change? What do those percentages look like if said PD doesn’t believe there is a problem? What about if they also refuse help? How many Ts actually want to work with these PDs? Why?
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
But, I would argue none of it should be needed, at least to this degree.
"Should be"... that seems to be a very powerful concept for you. What do you think?
Maybe it means something to you that it doesn’t to me and vice versa.
Maybe I’ve witnessed marriages and relationships that just possess mutual respect. Not talking no problems, talking when we have an issue, we work on it together...respectfully.
I believe a marriage/worthwhile relationship SHOULD have minimum acceptable behavior. Isn’t this a boundary? Do you not expect a certain level of treatment in your marriage? Like not disrespectfully rifling through you personal belongings against your stated request not to? Don’t you think your wife SHOULD not have done that?
I would not tolerate 1/1000th the abuse from anyone else. I don’t have to even worry about it. Why should I from him?
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
Implemented boundaries. Improvement.
Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post)
Therefore..boundaries..good or bad?
Therefore...put more energy into boundaries or less?
If only it were that simple.
Please know that a majority of the sustainability has to do with my stamina AND willingness to boundary-ify a moving target.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
Stated some requests. Some temporary improvement.
Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post)
Another very powerful and useful observation.
Wouldn't it follow that "stating more requests would result in more improvement?
You might think. They are one and done. No muscle memory. Great, took out a bag of trash, done my quota for another 10 years.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep stating, just keeping expectations in check.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
I made vows. That’s hard.
In what way is that hard? Vows are important enough that I wouldn't want to misunderstand.
I promised til death do us part. It’s hard to break a vow. But in many ways I feel like he already did.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
But I would argue that I made a vow to God to protect my being and those of my children.
Argue that with who?
Isn't this more of a matter of fact thing? Do you have a video or way you can go back and listen to the actual vow you made?
Yep, sure do. What would you like to know?
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
And what about his vows — to love, to honor, to respect? At this point aren’t I holding onto vows that never really existed...at least on his part?
I don't know about his vows, but I would hope there is a way to not "argue" about what he said, but just in a matter of fact way know what he vowed.
I don’t know what you mean about argue?
I have his vows on video, too. Not going to argue, I can show in hard, physical, concrete ways he did not love, honor and cherish.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
So, FF, do you honestly believe I should allow myself to be verbally and emotionally abused? Occasionally physically, not to person, but to things?
No I don't think you should allow it. I'm heartened that you are focused on your part in the dynamic..what you allow. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That's a good perspective to approach this.
I’ve never not been willing to see my part. I still reflect...every single day.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
Do you believe the best boundaries and best communication makes this SUSTAINABLY better?
Yes
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
I’m not a risk taker. I’ve already gambled 25 years...do I want to gamble whatever I have left?
I would invite you to re-read the cognitive distortion thing (which was something I quickly grabbed off the internet, but it seems sufficient for this discussion)
What is distorted?
It’s really nearly 27 years married, okay.
Whether I want to risk another 25 years? Not distorted. Do you want me to take it in 5 year increments? I still don’t want to risk it.
No, I don’t see it. Please tell me.
Quote from: UBPDHelp on July 20, 2020, 08:30:38 AM
What would FF do?
Reinforce success (do more of what works) and retreat from failure (stop doing what hasn't work). Wash rinse repeat.
The old FF would kinda stay "stuck" in the above process, rather than do a "deeper dive". I'm a thinker ESTJ and like to judge things/others (I know..I know..I hide it well..but I assure you it's true)
The mirror can be uncomfortable..."feeling" my feelings can be uncomfortable , so FF would be deliberate about finding time to work through that, I'd talk with my psychologist about it, I've got several friends I'd talk to about it.
I'd also "wind the clock". I was good about doing this in the airplane, I sucked really badly at doing this in my marriage and family.
"Wind the clock" Let's say one of the numerous radar boxes "cooked off" inside the airplane and there is now smoke. Yes there are procedures, but most of them don't need to be done in a hurry...so, instead of rushing around furiously mashing buttons to make the smoke go away (and likely fire), while thinking about the problem, I would reach up and wind the mechanical clock
https://www.ebay.com/p/1628337711?iid=143651809192&chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-117182-37290-0&mkcid=2&itemid=143651809192&targetid=915850255573&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=9010285&poi=&campaignid=10454521601&mkgroupid=104612011660&rlsatarget=pla-915850255573&abcId=2146002&merchantid=6296724&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjqKG7prc6gIVTr7ACh3DmQrPEAQYBSABEgIlffD_BwEIt helped me to have an activity to do while I was thinking. That activity had some benefit and it was completely free from harm, it was uncomplicated so I could devote my brain to thinking about the problem.
After winding up the clock, then I would take the plan I had thought about and deliberately put it into action.
"Winding the clock" is just as important in personal life as it is in the airplane.
Hope that gives you an idea of what I would do.
Best,
FF
Well, that all works for you.
If your wife relentlessly pelted you with text and verbal assaults, broke things and said she wanted a divorce, among many other distasteful behaviors (think back, I can’t list, but this is not a distortion), would it be enough to have boundaries and ask for what you want?
To be clear, I have always accepted a part in the dynamic. I don’t think he’s all bad. He has many good qualities. I don’t want to live dealing with the increasingly bad. There’s my thought. My very own. It’s not good or fun or enjoyable.
I don’t want my life to be boiled down to his perception. I can choose that, right?
