Boyfriend - Push/Pull

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I don't know that my boyfriend has BPD, perhaps there is a spectrum of severity.  My ex-husband had extreme mental health issues, including severe BPD that was violent. Now, I'm worried about my new romantic partner.  He will tell me he loves me and call me his girlfriend, and then suddenly without apparent reason insist he needs to be alone and cannot be in a serious relationship--and can shift back again to loving me--these shifts are both with and without apparent reason, and sometimes unexpected. This dynamic has been the case since I've met him, yet the relationship has continued to grow, and I've never felt so close or connected to another person. I try to talk with empathy, and he seems to have great capacity for empathy--when he is not in the "I can't be in a serious relationship" mode.  Except the pull back happens so intensely sometimes he seems to be in emergency functioning, and I feel hurt and frustrated--sometimes the shifts are more rapid than others. Detaching for me is sometimes difficult.

[Leaf123]

Hi,

I don't know that my boyfriend has BPD, perhaps there is a spectrum of severity.  My ex-husband had extreme mental health issues, including severe BPD that was violent. Now, I'm worried about my new romantic partner.  He will tell me he loves me and call me his girlfriend, and then suddenly without apparent reason insist he needs to be alone and cannot be in a serious relationship--and can shift back again to loving me--these shifts are both with and without apparent reason, and sometimes unexpected. This dynamic has been the case since I've met him, yet the relationship has continued to grow, and I've never felt so close or connected to another person. I try to talk with empathy, and he seems to have great capacity for empathy--when he is not in the "I can't be in a serious relationship" mode.  Except the pull back happens so intensely sometimes he seems to be in emergency functioning, and I feel hurt and frustrated--sometimes the shifts are more rapid than others. Detaching for me is sometimes difficult.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Football2000]

Well, there are plenty of things that can cause shifts like that, so I wouldn't be too worried that it is BPD just yet. One thing that sounds strange is the apparent random shifting. I wonder if something is triggering him or if he is just having some strong mood swings? That combined with previous unresolved issues might be a problem for him.

Does he ever give reasons for what he's doing, or say sorry or something like that? Or do you just not talk about these shifts with him?

[paperinkart]

I’ve actually been dealing with this same issue for 2.5 years with my partner. We’ve broken up many time’s because he suddenly gets overwhelmed, or scared or just fixated on the idea that “this can’t last forever”.

I go from being the love of his life and the “best thing that’s ever happened to him” to being his “best friend” or his “friend”. We’ve gone back and forth so many time’s. He’s undiagnosed but has traits of “quiet BPD”.

I actually am going through this right now. We had one of the best nights ever last night- so much fun and joy! Today, we were having another fun phone conversation and in the middle of it he suddenly accused me of only being interested in talking about these things because I was trying to “win him back”, which I wasn’t. I was genuinely interested in the conversation.

Then I got mad and told him I was giving up fighting for him because it never works out anyway. He only comes back when I stop fighting for him. He apologized and told me that I was still his best friend...until one of us finds a new best friend and then we move on from each other. WTH? Now he can’t even promise me we’ll stay friends  *major eyeroll*

UGH. So frustrating. He’s so scared of being in a serious relationship and so fixated on being alone. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I have no idea what to do anymore. It’s so frustrating and hurtful to feel like you’re always being held at arms length.

I wonder if anyone has advice for this?