Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:22:26 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I haaaaate that I'm still thinking about him  (Read 450 times)
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« on: July 22, 2020, 10:45:49 PM »

I have a date tomorrow night. One that seems very promising.

This new (potential) guy lives very close to ex. I haven't been to that area (I live in a big city) since breaking up with ex several months ago. I don't even know if I will like this new guy at all and I'm already having anxiety about potentially running into ex at some point in the future.

I dreamed about him (ex) last night. He's still there all the time. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Why? Why can I not just accept that this relationship was bad news and leave it at that? It's better than it was. I'm thankful for that. I know logically that I deserve better. But I'm still in pain over this person. Honestly right now I would just like to see him again and have things back how they were, however dysfunctional, for a couple days...

I don't know if I can deal with the idea of seeing him again, ever. I might throw up. And seeing him with someone else...I know he's with someone else.
Logged
Football2000
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken heart
Posts: 93


« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2020, 11:42:03 PM »

I know what you mean. Well, one way to handle it is just have your first few dates elsewhere. Location can be a powerful reminder.

I totally get it though. I get feelings of nausea every time I think about my current situation...
Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2020, 12:16:50 AM »

Thank you football. I appreciate it.

How can the people who are the worst for us be the hardest to get over?
Logged
daze507
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 165


« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2020, 10:38:32 AM »

I8kgrl, remember it's all in your head, nothing of this is real and you create your own fears and obsess over them. Don't let this psycho ruin your present and future, he's gone forever and you know it, focus on your new date now. You deserve to be happy, we all do.
Logged
Pakichu

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex girlfriend
Posts: 28


« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2020, 10:40:57 AM »

Hey do mention how your date goes
Logged
Football2000
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken heart
Posts: 93


« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2020, 01:43:19 PM »

Thank you football. I appreciate it.

How can the people who are the worst for us be the hardest to get over?

I think it is because the traumatic bad memories are harder to get rid of, and those inevitably bring back the good memories too. If the breakup is with someone who is not really bad for us but not the best either then although there might be bad memories, there is much less trauma that is so good at hooking into our minds.
Logged
BuildingFromScratch
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 422


« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2020, 05:46:29 AM »

I also think they lie to us so much that we think "Wow, I've found this perfect person, they know me so well, and are perfect for me!" They worm their way into our deepest parts, and that makes it hard to detach, plus our self esteem normally takes a big hit from the relationship, which can amplify our needy feelings.
Logged
Goosey
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2020, 07:30:01 AM »

It’s seems to be a long long haul to not think about them. I fear my ex. And miss her at the same time.
   I know it’s illogical. 
I’m ruined inside. I can talk the talk with strangers and I guess I seem normal. But then I just shut down with work I have to do to  keep the family afloat. I spend the time I should working instead staring into space thinking of what could have been.
  Ya, ruminating that we could have leaned on each other to survive and at the same time dreading silver coupes because I think it’s her. I’m damaged. I want to be carefree one day. Or a half a day.
  I need a swift kick in the butt.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2020, 04:26:18 PM »

Hi l8kgrl

It's a very long, difficult and emotional road when these types of relationships come to an end, a road I've been on for almost 3 years now. I understand that you feel frustrated that you cannot get him out of your head but, you have said that it has gotten better. This is very important as you can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I used to physically shake if I had any type of contact but this has gotten better, recent contact has been much less distressing.

Listen to what your body is telling you. If your anxiety spikes when you think about bumping into him it's probably best for you to stay away from where you know he will potentially be.

You are on a journey that is getting better but will take more time. Everything you said suggests to me that you are not ready for dating, perhaps concentrate on you right now and work through the complex emotions that you have.

The part when you mentioned 'daydreaming' really resonated with me. I remember being there, I remember barely functioning. Sad times, it will get better trust me.

LT.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2020, 11:26:43 PM »

Don't let this psycho ruin your present and future, he's gone forever and you know it, focus on your new date now. You deserve to be happy, we all do. - Daze, thanks. You're right. Too much time wasted on him already.

Pakichu - The date was actually really good. We already went out a second time. I know, I know, this sounds like something that is rushing too fast. I am still practicing going slow and setting boundaries but this guy seems to respect that. We'll see. It feels like a very "normal" and respectful connection so far. I can't tell yet if I am excited about him or not.

I think it is because the traumatic bad memories are harder to get rid of, and those inevitably bring back the good memories too. - Football, this is so true. Our brains get hooked on both the good and bad. It's so effed up but it helps to know that others get it!

They worm their way into our deepest parts, and that makes it hard to detach, plus our self esteem normally takes a big hit from the relationship, which can amplify our needy feelings. - Building from Scratch, you totally hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how I feel. It creates such self-distrust and confusion on top of the really unhealthy but powerful attachment. Ugh it's hard.

I fear my ex. And miss her at the same time. - Goosey, I relate to this. I feel the same. This is what makes me angry, that he's still taking up real estate in my head.

Longterm - thank you for your perspective. You're right, it will get better. It IS getting better. I was having a low night. I think I actually am ready to date, but sometimes that process does stir up the feelings. I am feeling my way along. I will continue to make "mistakes" I'm sure but I do feel that a silver lining is that I'm becoming stronger and less apologetic. I will decide what's right for me. I can say no to people and that feels good. I'm a work in progress. I do worry about whether I can let someone in to love me. I find myself feeling skeptical or looking for faults in people like this date who are nice to me. Working on reprogramming those types of thoughts.
Logged
FindingMe2011
a.k.a. *BeenThereB4*
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2020, 02:53:28 PM »

This new (potential) guy lives very close to ex. I haven't been to that area (I live in a big city) since breaking up with ex several months ago. I don't even know if I will like this new guy at all and I'm already having anxiety about potentially running into ex at some point in the future.

Just a different perspective. Im wondering if this new date realizes how stuck you are, on your ex ? i find it interesting he lives close, are they friends? Do you really believe this new r/s has promise? How can this be fair to the new guy? Why do you not know if you like this new guy? Maybe slow things down until youre sure or at the very least, think youre sure?

Maybe answer this question before jumping from one frying pan to the next?

Why can I not just accept that this relationship was bad news and leave it at that?

Doing this would be kinder and forgiving to yourself and this new guy and/or potential r/s, no?

Honestly right now I would just like to see him again and have things back how they were, however dysfunctional, for a couple days...

By your own admittance and i would have to agree, this is what you should do. Bringing another into this dysfunctional dance will complete the Triangle. Please investigate Karpmans Triangle. Its not a good time and all involved get hurt at some point. Sometimes we need to touch the stove multiple times, before we realize its hot... I hope you find the answers youre looking for and I wish you well, Peace

Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2020, 11:38:14 PM »

RollerDerby - are you suggesting I should get back in touch with my ex? I’m not sure why I would do that to myself. Seems like it would set me back to square 1.

I know i sounded crazy - still wrapped up in ex - when I wrote this original post, I had had a few drinks and I think was having a moment where I was feeling sad/nostalgic.

The reason I didn’t know if I was into the new guy is we had only been out one time. We spent a lot of time texting before we met partly bc of COVID but you can’t really know if there’s chemistry until you meet. Trust me, there’s no way he knows my ex even though they may go to some of the same restaurants etc, They do not remotely run in the same circles. I think it’s normal to feel anxiety at the thought of running into an ex, especially when it’s someone you had a pretty traumatic r/s with,

I do think I’m ready to date, I just think I have a hard time finding anyone I’m excited about. I know more about what I want which is good, but then when I realize I’m not excited about someone (which frankly is going to be 80-90% of dates, right?) it makes me temporarily nostalgic for the memory of what I hoped my ex would be. He did have a lot of what I wanted, aside from the whole angry/crazy part, haha.

Unfortunately I don’t think the new guy is the right fit, but that’s ok, it is at least a reminder that there are some nice guys out there!
Logged
FindingMe2011
a.k.a. *BeenThereB4*
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2020, 05:43:09 AM »

FindingMe2011 - are you suggesting I should get back in touch with my ex? I’m not sure why I would do that to myself. Seems like it would set me back to square 1.
I find it odd you seem to answer only certain questions. Leaving out the harder ones. I have noticed past posts within a week. They are contradicting and show confusion...
I suggested nothing, YOU suggested spending time with ex, i just agreed. If detaching is the goal, what square do you believe you are on? How many squares are there?

I know i sounded crazy - still wrapped up in ex - when I wrote this original post,

Crazy is your word, i will choose dysfunctional. So now your not dysfunctional? What changed?

I had had a few drinks and I think was having a moment where I was feeling sad/nostalgic.
 Ruminating or longing for, serves only to distort. I also had this problem. Maybe allow the bad times just as much thought time. Seems fair, no? Alcohol is a depressant, and will help keep you stuck.

I think it’s normal to feel anxiety at the thought of running into an ex, especially when it’s someone you had a pretty traumatic r/s with,

Is this proof to you, that you are not over the r/s? Maybe deal with this trauma, instead of dragging it into the next r/s? Chances are pretty good, you will choose another like your ex.

I do think I’m ready to date, I just think I have a hard time finding anyone I’m excited about.

Do you have a T ?  What makes you believe you are ready to date? It appears youre looking at people for your excitement/ "high" . There is an old saying. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. AGAIN.
Did your ex "excite " you ? I remember saying this in the past. Turned out it took dysfunction to excite me, its what I knew.

Unfortunately I don’t think the new guy is the right fit, but that’s ok, it is at least a reminder that there are some nice guys out there!

I keep putting myself in this new guys shoes. Unfortunate for you, probably better off for him also.

He did have a lot of what I wanted, aside from the whole angry/crazy part, haha.

What exactly did he have?  The angry/crazy part, IS who he is. He just spends the whole day hiding it. I wish you well, Peace



Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2020, 08:07:19 PM »

FindingMe2011 - I feel the need to respond to your post for a couple of reasons:

1) I'm getting better at letting people know when they said or done something to me that has crossed a line.

2) This is a site for sharing support, NOT for patronizing, diagnosing, condescending to others or pretending you have the answers to their situation.

I have no problem with people asking me challenging questions. That's a big part of the purpose of being here. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it, and that's the problem I have with your response. I suggest you go back and re-read it.

I have noticed past posts within a week. They are contradicting and show confusion...

I know i sounded crazy - still wrapped up in ex - when I wrote this original post,

Crazy is your word, i will choose dysfunctional. So now your not dysfunctional? What changed?


Yes, the ending of a r/s creates grief, and grief is not a linear process. Here's an example. I've been divorced for 4 years. It was absolutely the right decision and I am fine, but very occasionally something hits me where I suddenly feel like, wow, I miss being in a family, or maybe I messed up my kids forever, or I'm sad that my initial hopes didn't turn out the way I thought. And I might cry for awhile and feel really sad. And that's normal! That doesn't mean I'm still pining over my ex-husband or still hung up on my divorce. That doesn't mean I"m confused. That means that when you go through a big loss, occasionally something stirs up that pain and it hurts again briefly.

The fact that I had one night recently where I felt really sad about ex-bf and had had a few drinks and posted on this site to share how I was feeling...that does not make me "dysfunctional" or confused. 97% of the time I am glad the r/s is over and I know it was bad for me. I had a couple hours where I was missing him and feeling sad, so what? Grieving is not linear. It's 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Do I wish I never thought of him anymore? Yes. Do I wish I was at the point where the thought of running into him had no effect on me? Yes. I'm not there yet. I don't agree that I have to be 100% over him before I can date. I think dating can be part of the process, and no, I'm not leading anyone on (see below).

I think it’s normal to feel anxiety at the thought of running into an ex, especially when it’s someone you had a pretty traumatic r/s with,

Is this proof to you, that you are not over the r/s? Maybe deal with this trauma, instead of dragging it into the next r/s? Chances are pretty good, you will choose another like your ex.

Do you have a T ?  What makes you believe you are ready to date? It appears youre looking at people for your excitement/ "high" . There is an old saying. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. AGAIN. Did your ex "excite " you ? I remember saying this in the past. Turned out it took dysfunction to excite me, its what I knew.

Yes, I am dealing with this trauma, and no, I'm not looking to jump into another r/s. I was excited about one guy I had a date with, but dating is not a r/s.

Yes, I have a T. I've been in therapy for almost 6 years. It has helped me tremendously.

No, I will not choose someone else like my ex. I am 46. Other than a 2-month r/s in my early 20s, I have never been with someone abusive and disordered like this ex-bf. I met him when I was at a low point with dating and was vulnerable. I saw red flags and chose to ignore them. I learned those 2 big lessons. Don't date when you're already feeling crappy, and DON'T overlook red flags bc they're not going away.

I do think r/s with people like this can be addictive - the ups and downs are the perfect form of intermittent reinforcement, and pretty much all humans respond to that kind of conditioning. But I have no history of being with toxic people like this. Emotionally unavailable, yes, abusive, no. Most of my r/s have been too sedate, if anything. My ex-h was soo emotionally flat. This is why I CANNOT date someone who gives off that vibe. That's what I mean by looking for someone exciting. I almost died of emotional thirst in my marriage because things were SO dry. There's nothing dysfunctional about wanting to date someone who is fun, has a good sense of humor and a playful attitude about life. That's not the same as looking for drama. Obviously I chose very wrong with this last person, but the parts of his personality that had to do with being fun and playful were good. I was not drawn to the drama, it's what caused me to break up with him.

I had another bf in between my marriage and this uBPDbf and that r/s was actually relatively healthy, but bc we didn't have shared values and goals, it didn't last. I was single most of my 20s. I am not looking to jump into anything now. I have never been one to go from one r/s to the next. I will probably be over-discerning for a time, which may mean saying "no" to people who are perfectly nice, and that's ok. So, while I am very cognizant of not repeating unhealthy patterns, I do not actually think I'm destined in any way to end up with someone else like ex-bf.

Unfortunately I don’t think the new guy is the right fit, but that’s ok, it is at least a reminder that there are some nice guys out there!

I keep putting myself in this new guys shoes. Unfortunate for you, probably better off for him also.

This is probably the most illuminating thing you said and explains a lot of the hostility that came through in your post. You clearly feel that I have mistreated or misled the guy I've gone out with a few times, but I can assure you that nothing is further from the truth. I was upfront with him before we even met about the fact that I was recently out of a difficult r/s, am looking to take things slow, and am learning to trust myself and others again. I paid for my half of our outings. I am not pretending anything. We did have 2 dates within a short timeframe bc of the logistics of our lives (we both have kids) but I have no intention of rushing into anything.  

I find it very rude that you basically suggested he's dodged a bullet by not dating me. I've put a ton of work into myself and am a good person and I do not jerk people around bc that's not who I am and it's not how I want to be treated.

My understanding is that these boards are a place to come when we are feeling sad or confused or thinking about these past painful r/s.

I hope you'll think about the tone you use so as not to discourage people who may be very raw from a recent breakup from even wanting to post.

« Last Edit: July 30, 2020, 08:12:55 PM by l8kgrl » Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2020, 08:13:15 PM »

I don't know why it bolded everything, but oh well
Logged
grumpydonut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 473



« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2020, 08:47:53 AM »

It's interesting that you went from someone emotionally flat to a person with BPD. I think that's pretty insightful and in a very helpful way. If that's the only reason you were drawn to a person with BPD, that is a great place to be in.

You mentioned you're in therapy. I am too. And I can see so many issues in my own makeup that led me to a person with BPD (and every other crazy girlfriend I have chosen - and even my therapist laughed at some of those I've chosen, ha).

What is it about emotional flatness that you don't enjoy? I am "dating" (we both know it's only for a while and has no future due to her not wanting kids) a lovely girl at the moment, and I too notice that without the intensity - highs and lows - I am a bit bored (despite knowing how great a person this woman is).
Logged
StellaS88

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 8


« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2020, 01:41:26 PM »

Reading your original post and comments, I found a number of items that resonated and stuck with me. I am recently out of a relationship and I examining and questioning a number of things. The primary question - why did I find such comfort and excitement in that type of fixation and fanning that a person with BPD offers? That one is really tough for anyone to consider. Why are we attracted to the people we date? I like to think I met my ex at the perfect time. He offered me everything my previous ongoing hookup avoided like the plague. He communicated clearly with me his intentions, his wishes, and he was very prompt in his replies. He showered affection so I never had to guess what he was feeling. He was capable of tough conversations and would always promise to "do better" or "try harder".

Now I am questioning everything about his statements. How much of it was a lie? How much of his promises were wishes, not genuine feelings? There's no way for me to know. There's no way for you to know, either, when you get out there and date new people. Building trust in a new romantic partner, I think, is the biggest hurdle. I hope my need for clear communication and gentle affection are met in a future relationship. I think it's possible to receive those things, and not have to enter the cycle of triggering and trauma that a partner with BPD experiences and brings into the relationship.

It is very difficult to detach and of course the good memories are only going to make you nostalgic. I think that nostalgia can be helpful. Those good memories, those good parts, are worth seeking in future relationships! It is a cognitive dissonance to experience such highs with such lows. You recognized how damaging it was to live that way and you are moving on. I would be shocked if you didn't feel those effects... not just a year or 3 later but even a decade on. Relationships with such strong emotional bonds permanently change our relationship styles. I know I am forever changed by ex. How I communicate now, how I "fight", how I express love... I learned so much in our relationship that is worthwhile.

What sucks the most is that, despite how much we all learn about our bpd partners, they feel so strongly that they are not capable learning along with us -- even with therapy and drug treatments. My ex said to me often that he didn't deserve my love. No matter how much verbal reinforcement I gave or how often I showed up in action to contradict his feelings on worthiness, he continues to believe he doesn't deserve love or a long-term relationship. That's on him, not on me.

As you date, try to remember all the things you've learned from your ex that are helping you now. It's so normal to feel shaken and insecure. It's normal and good to take things slow. And if you meet someone who excites you and you don't want to take things slow, that's good too. You have experienced the toxic behaviors, the red flags... trust that you have some sense of what to look for, to stop when boundaries are being crossed, or feelings are being trampled on. I am trying to remind myself as I grieve my ex, too.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #17 on: August 06, 2020, 04:17:15 AM »

there are two schools of thought, when it comes to Detaching.

one is to rip off the bandaid: as soon as possible, go to those places you shared, listen to those songs you shared, bite the bullet, grieve what those places, those things, meant to you, and create new memories.

the other is to take it easy. give yourself a wide berth from major associations from the relationship. out of sight, out of mind.

i think theres wisdom and a balance in both. when things were raw for me, even being on the internet was a serious, extreme trigger. i didnt avoid that, but i did avoid any sad music like the plague.

dating again isnt dissimilar.

it is a necessary part of getting back to normal, or finding a new normal.

and the dating world is messy, and likewise, the process is almost certainly going to be messy. it was for me. i made direct comparisons. i wondered what my ex would think (i had reason to believe she was checking my social media). additionally, i made choices i still scratch my head over. i can reasonably conclude that that meant i had some distance to go in my detaching process. on the other hand, i think i could have been single for years (and i did give myself a year), and still run that gamut.

most of this is inevitable, really, no matter how detached you are.

there is so much trial and error in dating. the question to me, now, is what im looking for in a person, specifically, am i in a place where i can attract it...what are my goals, what are the goals of the people im seeing? has what im looking for evolved? if i was perhaps too rigid in a certain area, how do i see that sort of thing now?

i dont have all the answers yet. dating is partially, if not mostly, part of the process of honing in on those things.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2020, 09:29:48 AM »

Hi lk8grl,

when you think about him, what is the next thought you have afterwards.
Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2020, 11:07:22 PM »

It's interesting that you went from someone emotionally flat to a person with BPD...What is it about emotional flatness that you don't enjoy?

Grumpydonut - when I was married, I felt like I was slowly dying emotionally. I am really scared of ending up in a r/s like that again, without chemistry, passion, emotion. So yes, I think that is part of why uBPDbf appealed to me. 

I've thought a lot about your comments. I don't think I was hooked on the highs and lows of the r/s with uBPDbf. The external conflict was super stressful to me. But I do think I get hooked on the internal drama - the anxiety of always being slightly off-balance, not being totally sure how he feels, etc, based on his hot and cold behavior. I think that's a familiar feeling to me and one I unfortunately equate with love. It's like a feeling of constant longing that gets partially satiated sometimes. I need to continue working on that. I hope I can find that happy medium - something that is safe but also fun and emotionally vibrant.

Stella - you're right, we need to take the good and learn to trust ourselves to choose better. That's one of the big things I have been working on more over the past few years - learning to trust myself. Even ending this r/s was part of that process. It's not easy to walk away from someone you feel you're in love with but I knew inside it was the right thing to do. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I'm sorry your bf wasn't able to move forward with you the way you needed/wanted.

Once and again - thank you. Yes, dating is always full of ups and downs, you're right, and there's bound to be some of that. I keep dipping my toe in the dating water and then backing out again. Part of me has that fear that if I don't date now I'll be alone all winter/spring bc of Covid (this feels like the only time to get out) but part of me is also ok with that.

Cromwell - when I think about him, my immediate feeling/thought is that I won't find someone else that I love that much again  : (  And then being annoyed with myself that I can still be thinking that way about someone who hurt me.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2020, 04:15:57 PM »

Honestly right now I would just like to see him again and have things back how they were, however dysfunctional, for a couple days...

Regardless of that being possible, it may help to allay the anxiety of worrying about not finding another guy to love "more" than him - because you will be with him?

L8kgrl, do you believe that you could ever get back to that mind set?
Logged
l8kgrl
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2020, 08:35:26 PM »

Cromwell,

I’m not sure what you mean - could I get back to what mindset?

And although I shared this feeling recently, my logical brain is strong enough that I don’t actually want to be with him now. I know I would be miserable.

I think it’s just the long slow process of reconciling what I had hoped with what actually was?
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2020, 07:01:24 AM »

Hi L8kgrl, sorry for not being clear enough, exactly what you say is what I meant when I asked.

The mindset of what it takes to stay in a relationship we have learned is ultimately not right for us. That our thoughts are abstractions and not a reflection of reality. That there is, has been, disappointment. Yet when these cravings come to return to it, in those moments can be strong, for me the word I would choose is giddy like- perception alterations. It is those moments where I missed the emotive high octane spark that I felt was not possible to get elsewhere. It links in I believe when you say you have anxiety that you wont find someone else in life to love "as much" as you did for him. An analogy id use is driving for hours on a motorway, getting used to that speed of travel then facing the transition of what it is like to drive on 'normal' streets, 30mph feels like a tortoise level compared to 80 and takes a moment to transition back to.

im just wondering if this is part what you miss and if these are cravings to return to. It took me awhile, a year, to readapt and realise that normal women are not 'boring' and 'lifeless' it is that I had became over time primed via the dramatics the relationship gave to expect that level of stimulation, it became a new baseline and when I stopped experiencing it day-to-day I felt something was missing.
Logged
grumpydonut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 473



« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2020, 09:44:45 AM »

Excerpt
I think it’s just the long slow process of reconciling what I had hoped with what actually was?
Logged
grumpydonut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 473



« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2020, 09:45:05 AM »

I can relate to the above ^^^ a lot.
Logged
brighter future
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 277


« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2020, 10:31:36 AM »



I can relate as well in regards to what I had hoped for, what I thought I actually had, and what actually was.

It's hard to accept when someone tells you that you're their everything and they want to be married to you one week, then at the start of the next week they're leaving you. Four months after the fact, I know it's the nature of the disorder, and I'm accepting it a little more each day.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!