I'm so hungry for soothing

[TeaWithMilk]

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, which has been extremely validating and exciting, but it has also taken a lot of processing.

My uBPD mother has realy struggled with this diagnosis. Every time I mention it and want to talk through the way I am feeling, she steals the conversation and begins to tell me how much she experiences all my symptoms and how she probably also has it and should be medicated as well, and so on.
I don't doubt she might also have it, my issue doesn't lie there. If she would benefit from getting similar support, I wouldn't want her not to.
I guess my issue is more that she doesn't seem to care about my experience if it isn't in some way reflecting or acknowledging hers.
When I expressed that I would like some compassion she told me that her response was her being empathetic with me, trying to help me feel less alone. I know her intentions aren't to invalidate me, but I think I am just exhausted by the way she brings everything back to her.
Upon reflection, I realise I have inherited her broken down concept of empathy, and have acted similarly with my friends, centring myeslf in the conversation instead of simply acknowleding their pain. We all do that, in some ways.

Spending 4 months in the company of my mother has been extremely challenging- it's been the longest time I've spent with her since I left home at 16, 7 years ago). It has given me a lot of opportunities to reflect on my mother's illness and on our dynamics. I leave home to go back to my independent life in less than a week. I can't wait.

I really need some soothing. I just want somebody in my life to care for me unconditionally the way a mother should. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright without simultaneously reminding me of their pain. It's kind of unreasonable of me to ask this of friends and I don't have a significant other who I could go to for this kind of soothing. I'm so tired of having to be my own mother. I'm so tired of always having to care for someone when I need caring for.

I'm so hungry for soothing.

[zachira]

You are not alone in so many ways. I believe that I have undiagnosed ADHD, and oftentimes wish other people would understand why I do things the way I do. It is a lifelong heartbreak to have a self centered mother who is unable to have emapthy for her children. My mother with BPD who passed away last summer sounds similar to yours in so many ways. Every human being needs to be validated and to be surrounded by empathetic people. It is so normal to want to be soothed by those who are closest to us and to feel hungry for soothing when we don't get it.

[pursuingJoy]

TeaWithMilk,
You're brave and insightful to acknowledge these hurts and your need for soothing. Big hugs to you. I hope you have some experiences that allow you to feel soothed. What a relief that you'll be back to independent living in less than a week.   

I think it's very appropriate and helpful to share personal experiences, but even on this board, we're careful not to hijack someone else's thread with our own story. I've had people share their own painful experiences in a way that left me feeling validated. Your mom is trumping your painful experience with her own. That became evident when you maturely gave her the opportunity to take a different approach and let her know that you needed reassurance, and she rejected your offer.

As a mom, I can tell you that this response is not ok. My daughters have confided in me and asked me to listen, let me know that they felt dismissed, or said they needed comfort. That tugs on my heartstrings. I stop what I'm doing and respond with respect and affection. My kids are not responsible for my burdens.

Many of us can relate to what you're feeling. This is a safe zone. You're not alone. Healing is possible and better days are ahead.

pj 

   

[Methuen]

Teawithmilk, I am sorry for the emotional pain you are feeling as you grapple with your mom's illness and what this means for your relationship with her.  

Every time I mention it and want to talk through the way I am feeling, she steals the conversation and begins to tell me how much she experiences all my symptoms and how she probably also has it and should be medicated as well, and so on.

I wish to commend you for having the awareness to appreciate what is really going on here, at your age.  I didn't (instead I was still in an enmeshed state), but I am so glad for you that you do, because once you get through this grieving stage (if I may call it that), you will be able to find a better path forward.  Let it all out, whatever form that takes for you.  

As for the soothing, big big big virtual hug from me.  

And another one

Now with the virtual hug in mind and warmth filling the heart, I'm hoping that with a bit of time, you will also be able to help soothe yourself. I am going to make a gentle suggestion that another goal is to learn how to take care of ourselves when we feel like this, and not "need" someone else to soothe us.  It takes a while to get the hang of this.  Many of us never learned to recognize our own emotional needs, and take care of them ourselves.  But we have the power to learn and do that, so that we don't always have to rely on someone else to soothe us.  There's a wonderful array of self-care possibilities that feel really really wonderful once we are able to give ourself some love and attention.  For me that might look like a hot bath, or yoga, or a walk with a friend, a haircut...  What can you do to be kind to yourself today?

Self love isn't the same as a mother's love, and one doesn't replace the other.  But our mothers can't show their love to us by validating our emotional needs.  It's not that they don't want to, it's that they're just not capable because of the illness.  I think that if we can learn how to be kind to ourselves, we will feel better, because kindness always feels better, right?  So please accept more hugs from me   and then go do something kind and thoughtful for yourself.

I hope the transition back to independent living goes as smoothly as it can. 

[Marianne-11]

Hi TeaWithMilk,

I am sorry for the emotional pain you are going through. Like pursuingJoy says, as a mom I also think that the response you get from your mom is not ok. You do deserve empathy and soothing. My exMIL also does this to people around her, including my kids, and it feels so wrong 

Please try to take time for self-care, even if it would be small steps in the beginning. Big hugs from me as well     

[Panda39]

What your mom's response made me think of, is how often a BPD Parent will see their child not as a separate entity but an extension of them.  You have ADHD and your an extension of me, then I must have it too! 

Her response was extremely invalidating and I'm so sorry you didn't get the response you needed and deserve.   

Panda39

[Goldcrest]

Upon reflection, I realise I have inherited her broken down concept of empathy, and have acted similarly with my friends, centring myeslf in the conversation instead of simply acknowleding their pain. We all do that, in some ways.

I agree with others that you are incredibly insightful at a young age and that is something to hold on to and nurture. Particularly that you are able to see your own patterns of behaviour in relating to others.

I think the difficulty we children of borderlines have is that the foundation of security and consistent love was never paved. When you have that foundation you can enter into relationships and maintain your separate sense of self without being wobbled or distorted by the other person. Without a secure base you find yourself searching for someone to make you feel whole and to nurture you. The best relationship is the one you can foster with your own self and building on your insight and intuition.

I'm not exactly sure what I am trying to say but I didn't want to read and not respond. I know that grieving for the loss of a good mother is painful but we can relate and hopefully that will bring some comfort.