How do you parent amidst such dysfunction?

[JaneWrites]

Hello, I'm new!

I posted in another thread that it's only been since Mother's Day weekend this year that I finally figured out my husband has BPD. It was amazing to uncover so many episodes I've been dealing with over the years laid out for me as symptoms. It was so . . . validating!

As I think many of you know, holidays are hard, so Mother's Day was my first challenge. I had watched about three videos posted by NEABPD that first night, so that Sunday I had some strategies to try. My first skills were DEAR MAN and validating what's true. I had never imagined doing that before when attacked with untrue accusations. I've also pretty much weeded "but" out of my vocab to replace it with "and" when talking with him and filtering my frustration.

We went through 7.5 weeks without a blowup. We veered close a few times, but I was able to correct course.

Until recently. We, like everyone else, are stuck in the house together with our 10 and 12 year olds. Our 10 year old is quite difficult and has been for awhile. I see BPD traits, and he has gone into rages for a long time for what I notice now are very similar reasons.

My husband is so dysfunctional and has been unemployed for the past year. He spends most of his time in the guest bedroom going between Reddit and napping as far as I can tell. And he gives the very difficult 10 year old his phone to play on pretty much all the time so that he can continue his Reddit/napping routine, which deteriorates my son's behavior further because we have no rules or consequences.

I kind of lost it the other evening and told him that he has the most free time in the house AND that parenting is not being done. So I used a BPD skill, but not very nicely. That caused a broken plate and days of hostile silence. I tried to talk with him, but then he accused me of things I just didn't do and I wonder if he really thinks those things happened or if he's lying. Truth and fantasy seem to get mixed up. Then he accused me of gaslighting him. I just walked out and waited another couple of days for his moods to shift again. And then he comes out of it and it's like nothing has happened.

How do you parent with such dysfunction? And I'm just so tired of being the only one in the house who knows what's going on and has to constantly think of how to artfully deal with every interaction. It's lonely and exhausting.

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[formflier]

Hey...welcome to you first stand alone thread.

I'm standing up and cheering for you!  You are light years ahead of the average poster on their second post.

  I had never imagined doing that before when attacked with untrue accusations. I've also pretty much weeded "but" out of my vocab to replace it with "and" when talking with him and filtering my frustration.

"and also" has been a focus on mine for the past year or so.  I can see how it has shifted the way I think and communicate.

We went through 7.5 weeks without a blowup. We veered close a few times, but I was able to correct course.

What does the above observation tell you about your role in the relationship?


Parenting:  Can you give me a couple examples of things you would like to change and how you have tried to address it so far? 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

How do you parent?

Basically, for the sake of your children, you are the parent. If your H is unwilling, or not able to, it's impossible to make him into a parent.

One hallmark of BPD is emotional immaturity, not being able to manage uncomfortable feelings. So when your H is upset, he manages his feelings like a younger child would ( having a fit, breaking a plate). However, you can't put a grown man in "time out" like you would a child- but you can still use the idea of "time out".

"Time out" for children isn't a punishment. It's a teaching tool to help them to learn to manage their own feelings. So when a child is having a tantrum, putting them in a quiet place to calm themselves down helps them to learn to self sooth. PwBPD ( and often their partners) have difficulty with self soothing skills.

It's great that you had some time without an outburst, but it takes time to learn to deal with emotions, and if your H gets upset at something- those are his feelings he needs to learn to manage. Your part is to also learn to deal with how uncomfortable you feel when he is upset ( that's your self soothing part).  If you are not in danger from his outbursts( physical abuse is a different situation) then, let him learn to manage them. He needs a "time out" too, but you can't pick him up and put him in his room. You calmly say " I need a few moments to calm down" ( don't say "you", make it about you- as it's upsetting to see this) and you walk away. That's a form of self care and it leaves him to rage or have a fit on his own.

Your 10 year old may have similar self regulating issues. It doesn't necessarily mean he has BPD. He's 10, not 40, and so role modeling self soothing behaviors might help with him as well. The boys may also need counseling. It's not easy to grow up with a BPD parent. This isn't your fault, you are doing the best you can. It may help to have some counseling yourself. Dealing with a BPD family member can be self care and support for the family members.

The current pandemic has thrown everyone off emotionally. It's hard for people who don't have a mental disorder. If your H is in his room on Reddit, this might be all he can do to cope. While it isn't helping you, because you feel he needs to step up and help parent, he may be so emotionally stressed that he can't right now. Honestly, if he's in his room, he's not raging at anyone or bothering anyone.

When you lose it, he gets overwhelmed. He can't even deal with his own feelings, so when he sees yours, it's a recipe for drama. I understand your feelings- it's stressful and you are also stretched, having all this on your plate. There's a saying ( from 12 step groups) "don't go to an empty well to get a drink of water". If you're feeling stressed and worn out- don't lose it with a person who can't manage feelings. Get some help and support for you. I imagine counseling and other resources are available virtually at the moment. Take a walk outside if you can, take a hot bath, do something nice for yourself when you feel stressed. Take care of yourself so you have the reserves to manage the children and the difficult 10 year old.

[JaneWrites]

We went through 7.5 weeks without a blowup. We veered close a few times, but I was able to correct course.

What does the above observation tell you about your role in the relationship?

I'm not sure I understand how to use the quote boxes, so bear with me for a bit.

Yes, I realize that for the past 12 years (at least), I have absolutely thrown kerosene on this situation by trying to react with logic. Over the years, he has even revealed his rulebook, but it seemed so wrong that I dismissed it.

We went for marital counseling triggered by an affair he accused me of (I didn't, for the record) which we eventually had to end because he would dysregulate leading up to each session. He hated the therapist because, among other things, she pretty quickly told him that I did not have the affair and he didn't like that she didn't hear him out enough and validate why he thought I did have an affair. OK, so now I get that he wasn't validated in therapy. And she suggested he get his own therapist which means that he was to blame which is a no-no. I understand now that therapists who are not targeting the BPD are not ideal. I couldn't figure out if she didn't know or it's against the rules to diagnose a marital partner in therapy or both.

When he (very aggressively and angrily) accused me of the affair and I responded with rage, that I should have responded with love instead. (He has no idea about his demeanor.) I get annoyed and frustrated a lot and then prefer not to engage because nothing follows logic and I'm hurt and disappointed.

While he is doing more in the house - he is managing some dinners when he's not dysregulated and occasionally he'll notice a basket of laundry - his vast amounts of free time and my lack of free time are not on his radar. I've often been told how "Nothing will never be enough" especially since he is doing loads more. I remember reading this [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/11/style/modern-love-what-shamu-taught-me-happy-marriage.html]shamu article from the New York Times[/url] when it was first printed in 2006 and thinking "Who would ever treat their husband like that" (celebrating every tiny task with a treat, basically) and now I realize this is a strategy for dealing with a BPD husband.

Anyway, I get now that my *normal* reactions were the opposite of what he needed.

And part of why the peace broke down is because I got too tired and discouraged to keep it up especially when his underlying behavior doesn't change. The devastation of living with someone so disappointing floods over.

And thank you so much for your grounding perspective, Notwendy. You are helping me adjust my expectations and it's wonderful to hear a perspective that understands so well.

One more thing - How can you do online therapy with everyone in the house?

[JaneWrites]

Also, FF, you asked about parenting strategies I would want to see.

He does not say no.

He either gives the kids what they want (generally screens) or lets them raid the house of all sugary treats unencumbered. Or won't say no, but then endlessly argues with them about how inconvenient a request would be. The argument with whatever kid persists because he doesn't actually say no.

Right now, I feel completely opposed in everything because I am trying to implement reasonable structures and my husband ignores them and gives the kids access to screens regardless, even after hearing the youngest swear at me when I ask him to do something. On days I haven't inserted myself, the 10 year old literally spent 12 hours on a screen.

I have asked for him to let me give out screen access to make sure teeth are brushed, some chores are accomplished. Sometimes that works for a few days.

We just had months of school at home which he did not participate in at all.

I have also tried to teach the kids how to do some chores. He has no expectations that the kids do anything, so he doesn't require them to do anything.

I don't know -  I'm rambling. He doesn't take responsibility for any parenting.

[Brooklyn1974]

Hi Jane,

  I know what you are feeling.  My wife of 16 years has BPD and we have a 12 yr old daughter.  Like him she refuses to impose any punishment.  I was always the one doing that and it got to the point when I would punish her she would go to mom and then she would start arguments with me. 

  Honestly I don't think they are capable of reprimanding.  Have you read up on boundaries/limits?  It's for you and what you can and cannot accept. 

[JaneWrites]

Thank you, Brooklyn1974. It really is a relief to know there are similar experiences out there.