Recent Estrangement From My BPD Daughter

[msleah]

Thanks, Thanks!

I've been taking a break from this board for a couple of days, since I was on it so much for the past week. Trying to get my head on straight, and take care of myself and my husband.

I'm certainly working on self-love and self-care. Since my daughter lives 1500 miles away and has remained true to her word not to contact me for any reason, I'm sure she won't notice these efforts. But I'm doing it for myself, because I certainly need it.

I'm so sorry to read about your cancer diagnosis, and hope you're receiving good treatment. My husband has been fortunate in that his treatment has been exemplary, both here in AZ and in our previous home (WA). We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of his stage 4 diagnosis, and he's doing remarkably well.

Please take care, and thanks again for your kind response.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

I've been taking a break from this board for a couple of days, since I was on it so much for the past week. Trying to get my head on straight, and take care of myself and my husband.

i hope that youll stick around. you dont have to do this alone, and experts suggest having a strong, consistent support group.

how to be empathetic when someone levels attacks at you and cuts you off?

its hard, to say the least.

i imagine that when my ex was telling me i was a jerk, the worst boyfriend in the world, all the things i never did for her, i was probably thinking "well thats not true, im a decent guy, i try my best, and ive definitely done those things". and while i was doing that, i was missing what she was really saying. which is easy to do! our bpd loved ones tend to speak in such over the top terms.

but thats what really listening with empathy is all about. its about being able to step away a bit from our hurt, its about being able to step away from what is over the top, and about really listening to what a person who, inherently, struggles with communication, is trying to communicate.

someone developing BPD traits is not necessarily about growing up in an abusive household. certainly thats true some of the time, and thats what the earliest research pointed to, but you need look no further than this board to see some very, deeply, loving mothers. BPD traits are quite often more about a highly sensitive person in a family that spoke a different language. i dont have BPD myself, but thats kind of my background as an HSP. one example is that my parents always told me theyd always love me, no matter what. usually in the same conversation was the notion that theyd love me no less if i failed at something, so long as i did my best. somewhere along the way, i think i internalized the idea that i was primarily loveable only when i was at my best, far from what they were trying to communicate!

for right now, as heartbreaking as things are, i might give it some time before reaching out. if you try to be nonchalant, it will likely be perceived as invalidating. if you try to be direct, youre probably opening a can of worms.

i would think long and hard. is there anything you want to apologize for? thats a rhetorical question that you dont need to answer now. and even if there is, i might wait.

and if there isnt, it might be best to let the ice thaw for a while.

[msleah]

Once Removed:

Wise advice. I was doing well, focusing on my husband and myself, and keeping fairly steady for the past three or so weeks. But I had an uneasy feeling in my gut, kind of a mother's intuition. My daughter lives in Portland, and she is very political. So, every couple of days I Googled her name to see if she'd gotten into trouble.

As you most likely know, Portland has been the epicenter of Black Lives Matter demonstrations for some time now. I am all for demonstrations, but not violence or rioting. Well, last night I got the news I'd been fearing. My daughter had been arrested with 24 other people for trying to set fire to a police station.

I sense her involvement was minor, because she had only two charges--disorderly conduct and interfering with a peace officer. The Portland DA announced today that the city won't pursue folks who only have those charges, just ones that involve resisting arrest and more serious, violent infractions. I found this out from doing more internet research.

But she was there, and she wound up getting off scot free with no bail, no charges, etc. I'm relieved but also afraid this will embolden her. Also, in a bizarre twist, a well-known right-wing journalist posted the mugshots of all the arrestees on his Twitter page so people could take potshots at them. Someone posted the name of my daughter's workplace on hers. Her mugshot got over 1800 retweets. She was thoroughly doxxed.

Her bio-dad, who despises me (I'm afraid it's mutual) and has been actively encouraging the estrangement, was pleased with the arrest and bragged extensively about it on his Facebook page.

So that's what I'm up against. I broke my cool and my silence and gave him hell. My son sent her an instant message beforehand, asking if she wanted to talk, and she refused to respond, even though they've kept in contact after she and I became estranged last June. Her dad is proud of her and she will go out of her way to keep his approval, even if it means continuing to ignore her mother and her stepdad, who has stage 4 cancer and raised her since she was six.

I couldn't make this s@#* up if I tried. Not sure what to do next. I'm reluctant to send her a letter now, for obvious reasons.

[Swimmy55]

You are doing the right thing by giving her ( and more importantly, yourself) space on this.   It is good to hear she is ok physically .  It is impossible to do, but if you can concentrate on that for today - that she is physically safe.  One mini step at a time.  Detachment!

[msleah]

Hi Swimmy:

I'm afraid I haven't been very detached. The mayhem continues in Portland, with a new shooting last night (this time a right-wing person, next time a left-wing person, and so it goes). I'm sure she's out there again, continuing to protest. The demonstrations started out peaceful, which I completely support, but now they're nothing but chaos. I fear for my daughter's life, but she won't even talk to me.

My sister-in-law wrote her an email, but of course there has been no response. My husband's liver tumors are growing again. I'd need the patience of a Zen monk to detach myself from this situation, even though I know that would be the best course of action (or inaction).

[Swimmy55]

I am very sorry Msleah.  My son just had to be  in the Baltimore  Freddie Gray riots back in 2015.  My father called me and said  he saw my son / his grandson  on the TV briefly , walking with the crowd .  Any type of walk, march, protest, he had to be out in the thick of it with his little home made signs. 

I am not sure what all was going through his mind, but I think he felt it was almost his calling  .  He came back invigorated and filled with purpose ( although it never lasted).  Perhaps for the time she is out there, your daughter feels purpose- even a sense of belonging to a movement/ something bigger than her.  Of course, that charged atmosphere could inflame the BPD impulsivity  again.  Here is where you will have to take it one hour at a time, even 5 ( or less) minutes at a time. . .   These words ring hollow right now, but admitting powerlessness is actual strength . Inaction is indeed action, even if it doesn't feel like it.   As much as you can stand to, try to keep the focus on you and your husband, as he is one adult in your life that does accept your help and support.  You are doing the right thing by doing nothing today. 

[Lollypop]

Hi there MsLeah

I just wanted to reach out to you because my son29 has only recently text raged. I’m to blame for everything and it hurts. You’re a few weeks ahead of me on this latest shift and I feel for you, I really do. It seems sometimes that we have so much dumped on our shoulders, it’s feels too great a burden. Though somehow we get through, one day at a time. You’re not on your own, bpd is bewildering, it twists and turns and catches us off guard.

I hope you take good care of yourself today, that both you and your husband can find something to smile about.

You’re a good mother.

You did your very best.

Nobody can demand more than our best.

Hugs

LP

[formflier]

I'd need the patience of a Zen monk to detach myself from this situation, even though I know that would be the best course of action (or inaction).

Maybe acknowledging that you can't detach and being deliberate about some deep breathing/meditation is your best near term course of action.

Best,

FF

[msleah]

Hi Swimmy:

My daughter has always had a strong interest in social justice, but I was quite surprised to note the vehemence of her sudden passion for the BLM cause. I am quite sympathetic to BLM, but not to violence. My daughter has never acted out in a violent way before, or been part of any sort of mob effort. So, although I had an uncanny feeling that something like this might happen, it still came as a surprise.

I imagine these demonstrations make it possible for her to focus on external chaos as a way to avoid her own internal demons. That makes total sense to me. A sense of mission to transcend some of her pain.

Interesting parallel with your son and Freddie Gray. My daughter made a bunch of signs, too. They were very artfully designed. I wish she'd just stuck to making posters.

I did get an email from her a few days ago, reiterating that she wants nothing to do with me. Earlier that week, I lost my cool and posted a status on Facebook about her dad and her arrest. News of the posting got back to her. I regret my action, but her dad had posted on his own page about how proud he was of her destructive behavior (!). His friends complimented him online for raising a great kid. I think that was the last straw. That man worked his butt off for years trying to turn our daughter against me, though my husband and I tried our best to reconcile with him.

I have so much bitterness now. My husband's tumors have grown in the past month, and the doctor took him off chemo. He'll be starting an experimental therapy in a couple of weeks. It's our last hope. Though he wrote my daughter an email about this development, she has not responded. I thought BPD folks were supposed to be sensitive? 

[msleah]

Hi Lollypop:

I'm just getting around to responding to these posts. It's been an intense week and I am exhausted.

Feel free to read my posting above this one (to Swimmy) to get an idea of recent developments.

I'm trying my hardest to think of myself as a good parent. It's hard to believe when my daughter lambasts me for being an abusive one.

A friend of mine recently sent me a video clip of her own daughter, who appeared on a talk show five years ago. Her daughter has BPD and first tried to kill herself when she was eight. She's 40 now and doing somewhat better with DBT therapy.

The best information I took away from the clip was that BPD is innate. People are born with a predisposition to it. Basically, a BPD kid is so sensitive to emotional pain that parents often don't understand. So the parents become exasperated, wondering why their child is dwelling on issues that other kids just get over. The child perceives this lack of understanding as invalidation. It's a short leap from feeling invalidated to feeling abused.

So, when my daughter now accuses me of psychological abuse, my husband, my son and I become bewildered. This serves as further proof of my insensitivity, as far as she is concerned. So, if I say, "What are you talking about? None of us even know", it just makes her feel even more invalidated.

I have to learn to ask more gently, and listen better. It's hard when I'm being hammered with accusations. Right now, however, the silence is even more deafening. I'm not sure if I'll ever be granted the chance to listen.

[msleah]

formflier:

Well, I do lots of yoga. In fact, I teach yoga! Have for about four years now. It helps a bit, or has helped during other stressful situations. Any of my current challenges would be a handful on it own. Bundled together, they're well nigh impossible.

Quite honestly, the pandemic doesn't help. And the extended, record-breaking heat wave (I live in AZ). I'm looking forward to cooler weather, so I can do some hiking. My husband usually comes with me, but I'm not sure if he'll be up for it.

Zumba has been helpful, too. I'm so glad our health clubs have reopened, at least.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

msleah

I'm so sorry to hear about the tumor growth.  How long until the experimental therapy gets started?  Have they given you any indication of how long you should wait until determining if the experimental is working.

Seems like the waiting for results is the worst.

Best,

FF

[msleah]

formflier:

Thanks for your compassion. I appreciate it. My husband's experimental therapy won't begin for two more weeks. It seems like a long time to wait, but the doctor wants him to have some time to rest. Chemo takes a lot out of a person. It kills healthy cells as well as unhealthy ones.
 
My daughter knows about this turn for the worse in my husband's illness, but has not reached out to him. I got one snippy letter, accompanied by a link to an article a woman wrote, which claimed that most estranged parents are to blame for the estrangement.

Geez. I thought BPD folks were supposed to be so sensitive?

[formflier]

So...one  letter in how long of a period of time?

Had you sent something that appears to have resulted in her sending the letter?

Best,

FF

[msleah]

formflier:

Here's a handy cut-and-paste of part of my posting to Swimmy, a few days ago. It explains the reason for my daughter's letter:

"I did get an email from her a few days ago, reiterating that she wants nothing to do with me. Earlier that week, I lost my cool and posted a status on Facebook about her dad and her arrest. News of the posting got back to her. I regret my action, but her dad had posted on his own page about how proud he was of her destructive behavior (!). His friends complimented him online for raising a great kid. I think that was the last straw. That man worked his butt off for years trying to turn our daughter against me, though my husband and I tried our best to reconcile with him."

My daughter's dad actually did post on his FB page about being proud of "his" daughter for setting a police station fire and for raising her right. I'd written him an email the previous day, letting him know that I'd found out about the arrest via the news and wondering if he knew about it or could shed some light on the matter. He did not bother to respond. I had to unblock him on FB to get the additional info.

This is a guy who once tried to kill me, and then called the cops and had me arrested. I stayed silent about the abuse for years, even though we have many mutual friends. But my daughter, the social justice warrior, is angry about me outing her abusive dad on FB.

I blocked him again, so I won't be inflamed by his postings. Of course, my daughter has blocked both my husband and me. So everyone is blocked. It's a crazy and horrible scenario.

 

[formflier]

 
If you could go back in time, would you have "outed" him on FB or would you have rather stayed silent?

Best,

FF

[msleah]

Formflier:

You know, I go back and forth on that one. Part of me wishes I'd kept my mouth shut, but part of me really needed to go public with the abuse. I figured my daughter was going to be angry with me either way. I kept silent about it for so long, which wasn't healthy for me, and it certainly didn't win me any brownie points, either.

Interestingly enough, my husband got an email from my daughter today, saying she was sorry she didn't contact him sooner, but wasn't sure what to say. She emphasized that she was deeply sorry about his illness, but was determined not to talk to me for a long while. She wanted to keep in touch with my husband, however, so she could offer support.

Despite the fact that this smacks of classic triangulation, I made it clear to my husband that he should make his own decisions re: future communication, and that I would not try to interfere in any way. I think he'll feel happier re-establishing contact, since the estrangement has hurt him deeply. Also we'll both feel better knowing at least one of us has an open line of communication with her. I worry about my daughter a lot, for obvious reasons. But I'm going to stay out of the picture and see how it goes from here.

[GoblinMom]

"Well, as a person who has seen a variety of counselors in my life,"

Do you think perhaps that's why she says you have "meltdowns"?

 "even if it means continuing to ignore her mother and her stepdad, who has stage 4 cancer and raised her since she was six."

I wouldn't say that to her or she may accuse you of acting like a victim.  Been there done that.

On one of your posts you said she demanded you apologize and you didn't.  On another post you said you didn't get the chance to apologize and make amends.

How do you think someone with BPD could interpret that?  As you lying perhaps?

I'm NOT saying that you lied,  I'm saying that that's how they see things.  They have an idiosyncratic moral code  (probably why some of them become protesters and advocates) and are ready to write people off for breaking it.  I

"The other weird thing is that her recent behavior, and the ultimatum, as well as laying the blame for her BPD at my doorstep, all seem to be fairly recent developments."

Exactly like my daughter.  So I asked her to describe some of the things I did.  She blames me for things like being 15 min late to pick her up or not taking her somewhere I said I'd take her.  She said they caused her deep embarrassment and stress. 

I did apologize.  She stopped talking to me when I said something she thought was a lie.

[msleah]

Hi Goblin Mom:

Sorry to take so long to respond. I'll try to answer your questions in more-or-less chronological order.

No, I've gone to see counselors all on my own, including after my daughter moved out of the house. I haven't had breakdowns first, or been mandated by the court, or anything similar. I think going to counseling is a great thing to do when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, or just need more self-understanding.

In our last instant message conversation, she demanded that I apologize for everything, but I didn't apologize on the spot. I was irritated and defensive. She blocked me on social media immediately thereafter, so even though I wanted to apologize to her a couple days later, and talk things over in a more cool-headed manner, I had no way of doing so.

I'm not sure how she might interpret that. She wanted an instant apology, I didn't give it to her, and she wasn't about to give me  second chance. Since then, I have sent her a couple of apologetic emails, but they appear to have fallen on deaf ears (or eyes, or whatever...)

She has communicated via email with my husband, but like I said in another post above, this maneuver smacks of triangulation. She made it clear to him that she would not be corresponding with me. He has responded to her three emails in a minimal way, because he's not really sure how to react. We want her to be in touch, but we don't want to treat me like the 1000 pound gorilla in the proverbial living room.

It makes sense that she is drawn to Antifa, because those folks tend to have a pretty rigid moral code, and so does my daughter (typical of BPD people, it would seem).

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It's so hard to be the parent of a person with this disorder, but the BPD person often doesn't realize the profound challenge posed to the parent.

Thanks again for your comments.

[once removed]

if youve been reading up on triangulation, then you know that your husband being in communication can be a wise move, a very wise move, or a destructive move.

the person in the rescuer position tends to be in the position to be in the strongest position to stabilize the conflict.

[msleah]

Once Removed:

We're stumped as to how to proceed, so we've been staying mostly quiet. I did send my daughter a brief email on her birthday about a week and a half ago. My husband sent her an even briefer email. After a few days, she sent me a two sentence email in response--terse, but not angry. Slightly friendly overtones, but nothing to grab on to.

My husband just switched his chemo regimen and is in no real position to take on the role of rescuer here. I don't want him to be physically or emotionally overtaxed. In your opinion, how can he (or we) proceed with wisdom, compassion, and caution?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

In your opinion, how can he (or we) proceed with wisdom, compassion, and caution?

i think that you are.

i dont mean to minimize the state of things or what youre going through when i say that a birthday exchange, and a two sentence email is preferable to a total cutoff. dont push; for the time being, let this exchange allow some ice to thaw, and to a large extent, let her lead, if she chooses to.

My husband just switched his chemo regimen and is in no real position to take on the role of rescuer here. I don't want him to be physically or emotionally overtaxed.

in the winner triangle, the "rescuer" position becomes the "caring" position. what does that mean for you?

it means he is the primary connection, right now, and any exchange can be constructive, neutral, or destructive. it means on some level, if shes communicating with dad, shes communicating with mom, even if, unfortunately, indirectly. its a connection.

it doesnt necessarily mean he should do anything immediate or overt. it could certainly inform a united and thoughtful approach if something comes up, and it may well.

[formflier]

In your opinion, how can he (or we) proceed with wisdom, compassion, and caution?

I will double down on Once Removed's comments.  I think you are too.

From time to time I will read the dear abby type of advice column.  A few days ago there was some sort of issue where one party was telling the other they were anxious and couldn't go very fast (I think it  was a job search issue).  The other party was anxious that the job search wasn't going faster and would keep bringing it up and was writing to ask..."how do I get this person to understand they have to go faster"

Anyway...the point of the response was that "the fastest way to shut down an anxious person is to keep pestering them to go faster/do more"

So..to connect this to your story.  Take it as a given that your pwBPD is giving you the "big signal" of go slow/stay away AND ALSO saying they still want a (small) connection.

Do you see that?  Many times pwBPD appear to play both sides of the same issue.  Remember their feelings are all over the place and can change at a rapid pace.

What do you think it will look like to keep up this kind of brief interaction for a while?  How often?  What subjects?  How many sentences?

You obviously want more (and that's ok).  What do you think it would look like if after a period of time where you have kept up with this type of communication, for you to do "a little bit more".

I'm so pleased that contact has been reestablished.

Best,

FF

[msleah]

Once Removed and Form Flier:

Thanks, both of you, for your comments. They are extremely helpful.

My husband is going to write our daughter a brief update tomorrow, detailing the changes in his cancer treatment. Nothing too maudlin, but I know she wants to hear from him. She did initiate contact with him, so I know she cares about his illness.

I haven't communicated with her since her brief email responding to my birthday greeting. I plan to do so later, after she and my husband have chatted a bit.

My husband and I both feel a bit wary and untrusting at this point. We had no idea that she was talking to her bio-dad for months about cutting off contact with me. She was pleasant towards me almost the whole time. I took her out to eat on numerous occasions, gave her money when she was laid off from her job, let her stay in our vacation condo (at her request) and gave her my bike (also at her request) when my husband and I sold the condo and moved to AZ.

I know a lot of this inconsistency stems from her BPD, and that it's awful not to trust my own daughter, but her behavior just seems so duplicitous to me. So I am going to take it very slow. Of course I'd like more contact, but I'm not going to push it. Keeping conversation brief--every few weeks on my part--and somewhat superficial seems like the best way to go.

[formflier]

Did she ask about the cancer?

There is absolutely no way to say what is right or wrong, we are all test pilots here.

My idea/thought would be to reach out with another bland/short email...(were there any attachments last time) and if no attachments last time, maybe send a pic of something neutral.

Neutral:  Like a new plant or a project or squirrels in the back yard.

"Been enjoying watching this plant grow since I pruned it and fertilizing."

"The squirrel family is really packing away the nuts for winter."

See the allure.  It's at your house but not about you...but now there is a picture.

This also gets you to ask  "any new interesting stuff/projects in your life?"

I think I would wait on a cancer update.  Cancer equals fear of abandonment...

Is there anyway to have "good cancer news" or "hopeful"?    If so...I might say

"I'm pleased that I got some hopeful test results back this week...", then see if that "hooks" her into asking.

Stand back and take a look at how I'm approaching this.  Very gently adding more and waiting to see if she "pulls more in".  The idea is to leave her in charge, vice have her think she needs to "fend off" unwanted communication.



Best,

FF

[msleah]

Formflier:

Yes, in all three communications with my husband, my daughter specifically wanted to know how he was doing, health-wise.  When he didn't write back immediately after her first email, she wrote another, expressing concern and asking if he was all right.

One thing about my daughter -- she will rush to your defense if she thinks you're sick, weak, or oppressed in any way. But strong people scare her. In her world, you're either victim or oppressor. I figured that out awhile back. It's one of the reasons why she became so fascinated with Antifa.

Both of my husband's return emails gave a few details about his cancer treatment, etc. So it seems like a relatively "safe" subject (if you can use the word "safe" to describe any cancer-related discussion).

I like your suggestions about how I should actually communicate with her, and plan to utilize some of them. I've only had one, 2-sentence email from her, thanking me for wishing her a happy birthday and joking about being only 75 years from a century old.

I guess that's something...

[once removed]

try to remember that you are playing a "long game" here.

youre each going through very different struggles.

when a son or daughter undergoes therapy of any kind, its a long process. read the PSI board (you dont have to be a person with bpd to grasp the process). it brings up old, deep, resentments and wounds. it forces you to see one or both parents in a different light, when children are kind of predisposed to idealize our parents, and thats...quite a trip. it can be even more volatile for someone with bpd, prone to a certain worldview, and inclined toward black and white thinking...the highs will be higher, the lows lower.

youre playing the "short game" well, but some of the aspects of the "long game" are out of your hands.

[msleah]

Thanks, Once Removed.

I think I'd be more patient with the long game if I were younger (I'm almost 62) and if my husband weren't ill with Stage 4 cancer.

We have no way of knowing how long he'll be here. His tumors have started growing again, and he's back on chemo. He and I would both like to feel that our daughter supports both of us emotionally.

Of course, she doesn't, and there's not much we can do about it. I'm glad she at least communicates with him, but I'm also angry, because I feel like the 1,000 pound gorilla in the room that can't be discussed.

It's so hard being a caregiver and dealing with an estranged daughter who has BPD, but I am in this scenario alone. Also, due to the damn, ongoing pandemic, and other factors like a recent move across the country, I am completely isolated and receive almost zero emotional support from others.

I wish she could understand how painful this is for me, but there is no way of making anyone understand anything. She will have to either come to the realization on her own, or not. Meanwhile, this whole situation is like being in hell.

[msleah]

Hi everyone:

I would love some more advice from you helpful folks, if you have time. Today I received the following email from my estranged daughter, who was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago. For those of you who don't remember (because this has been a VERY long thread), she lives by herself in Portland. She has been on her own for four years. Very high-functioning, with some notable exceptions.

My husband and I recently moved to Arizona. He has stage 4 cancer and I am his caretaker. About four months ago, my daughter became infuriated with me and cut off contact. She started communicating with my husband a month or so ago, but not me. I've been mostly waiting it out and hoping she'll come around. Anyway, here is the email (with my husband's name removed).

"I’d like to start up communication again. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I don’t want to cut ties when R is in as much pain and has as little time as he does now. The drastic change from 3 years to months is horrifying, and I don’t want to put him through more than he has to already go through.

I’m not okay with a lot of things you’ve done, and its effects on me. I feel like you have also not considered ways to respect my boundaries, or how certain actions have deeply hurt me. I could discuss some things with you, but otherwise, I feel like it might cause more harm than good right now. I am still angry."

How can I gently probe her to share specifics about what I have done to upset her so much over the years? Or should I even do so? I feel as though I need to acknowledge her second paragraph and not just gloss over it. I realize that BPD folks tend to react much more strongly to perceived hurts than do most people, but I am honestly stumped as to what she feels I have done to hurt her. So are my husband and son.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to say the wrong thing and drive her away again. Thanks.

[once removed]

How can I gently probe her to share specifics about what I have done to upset her so much over the years? Or should I even do so? I feel as though I need to acknowledge her second paragraph and not just gloss over it. I realize that BPD folks tend to react much more strongly to perceived hurts than do most people, but I am honestly stumped as to what she feels I have done to hurt her. So are my husband and son.

in trying to read the email from your situation, the email definitely prioritizes grievances - it closes with them, and leaves things open ended, rather than a sort of "anyway, thats how i feel, lets move on", its more of a "i could name them, im not sure if i should".

How can I gently probe her to share specifics about what I have done to upset her so much over the years? Or should I even do so?

it really depends on the goal(s).

if the goal is to better gain an understanding of your daughters perspective, and whether you agree or disagree, act accordingly going forward, it may be worthwhile to probe more deeply; to signal a willingness to listen, without making it a huge thing or asking her to name them.

if the goal is more defensive, i wouldnt.

either way, really, id see that my daughter is tentatively opening the lines of communication, and id run with it.

even that isnt a very clear cut answer. its not clear whether shes prepared to dive deeper into this (or just wants to be outright about how she feels), or frankly even if its a good idea to give her the opportunity to do so. venting anger can sometimes stoke even more anger, even more complicated feelings.

it seems to me that the "best" response is to welcome her back with open arms, no hint of rejection; prioritize this over resolving the conflict, for now.

whether that involves, and to what extent, saying "if you want to elaborate, im listening", is up for debate.

at the end of the day, you know your daughter best. what do you think?