In the midde of terrible episode with child

[sabas]

Hi, I'll start by saying i appreciate any and all help. My SO is currently in the midst of one of their worst, and longest, episodes of our relationship. A few days ago I ended up calling the police for the first time. I've called before but have always hung up because i am an enabler and she does everything in her tool box to prevent me from actually having any authority show up. This includes threatening to tell the police that I am abusing them, that I am abusing our son, that I am a pedophile, etc., it also includes saying they will take my son and i will never see them again, they will lie and pursue full custody during divorce. When I've said that I will call someone when they threaten suicide, which is every episode, they say that if they see an officer they will kill themselves quicker. I have always been cowed by these threats.

This time i actually gave the police my address, our names, the license plates of our cars. My SO spit into the phone that I had abused them and they had marks on their arm to prove it. Eventually they saw i wasn't stopping so they walked down the street with my son. At that point, because I feel crazy myself, i asked the dispatcher not to send anyone. They said that wasn't going to happen. I ended up begging. I was so terrified by my SO's threats. Obviously I think everyone here knows that a pwBPD can turn it off and on when needed, and I know my SO could do that. I drive away from the house, and the police call me. They meet me at an empty parking lot. I beg them not to look for my SO. They say that they're going to find her with or without my help. They say not only are there the reports of suicidal threats but also the dispatcher heard the argument and my SO's claim that they were abused. So they have to make sure my SO isn't battered. I say that makes sense but please can I call them because their abuser was a cop and they have a phobia or paranoia when it comes to other cops. I try to call no answer, the officer tries to call, same thing. Somehow, I'm sure against protocol, the officers say they will leave us alone if I say we are all safe and that i will go take a drive and calm down. I agree. I feel like such a POS for enabling and abetting my SO's behavior.

The rest of the day is how everyone would think. Threats, abuse, insults, mind games, circular arguments, yelling, moving and throwing my things, slamming doors, manic behavior about our son, basically torture. In the middle is a brief respite where they try to "talk" about what has happened, how we got here, etc. This heavily involves me "not communicating enough", etc. Once our son is in bed it starts again until later at night, when they finally slam their door after saying "goodbye everyone!".

In the morning they don't come out of their room before i leave and take our son to daycare. They don't respond to a text i send about our business. I have a therapy appointment thank god and discuss this. My therapists encourages me to contact my SO's DBT therapist and just tell them I am worried and the suicidal threats have become more than i can handle. I do so. It feels good. The therapist says they will contact my SO's main therapist and they will come up with a plan and call me back. I feel relief. I might be getting help! But instead i don't hear from them again, and get a text from my SO asking if i contacted their therapist. I say yes because I am concerned for everyone's safety and I think they need more support than they are currently getting. In response I'm told "great, now CPS is going to come to the house, and also interview your (my) dad and his partner." This is very surprising to me. I don't know if they are lying or serious. And of course me talking to their therapist without their knowledge is doing the worst, most vile thing i could ever do. They say, cryptically, "Goodbye, Sabas.". I contact my therapist because i don't have any experience with CPS, I'm worried what my SO might say if I am honest, and my dad doesn't know anything about my marriage. Or my SO's BPD.

I go to pick up my son and my SO is behind me in their car. They turn off the when they see I will get there first. I get him and my therapist calls. He informs me about what CPS does, to just be honest, and probably, even though it's uncomfortable, that I should take myself and my son to my dad's place. Also my dad has NPD and I have a fine relationship with him but he is very judgemental and doesn't understand anything like this. My therapist also says I should call the police if I am worried that this news about CPS, etc., will push my SO over the edge. I agree, and say I will, but I know i won't be able. I don't have the constitution. I will just go home and hope my SO leaves town, or calms down. Because I am an enabling, idiot who can't seem to do what's best for my son and myself. I still fear my SO.

My SO comes home and immediately starts losing it. I have recorded their threats, and the day before started videotaping them after they looked at our son and said, "sorry your parent (me) is such a PLEASE READing creep", they have done this multiple times and it breaks me and infuriates me. I figured I'd either get it on tape or they would stop. Instead they lost their mind more, of course. So now they think I am scheming to take our son away from them. I want them locked up or dead and to take him. They are hysterical, losing control to a degree I haven't seen. I can't take it, I don't want our son to see this, and I instinctively leave the house to end the yelling. I feel like I PLEASE READed up though because it makes it look like I trust my SO alone with my son, even during an episode. But I feel helpless. I don't know what to do. My SO calls me over and over and over. I block their number so i can use my phone. I call their cousin and my friend. I discuss what's happening. I want other people to know in case my SO lies to police or CPS. I talk and feel better but still feel I've made a major mistake in leaving the house. I regret not going to my dad's, i regret not telling the police, I regret not ending this somehow even if it meant me going to jail.

I will cut it mostly short because this is so long. This continued into the night. My SO had a medical issue that should have been seen by the ER, but refused to go. Instead using it as a threat that they will die and I will have ignored them by locking myself in the guest room to avoid abuse. They terrorize me until midnight. Another threat of death/suicide as they finally go into their room. 

This morning I check on them to make sure they medical issue isn't worse. It isn't. I feel I am being nice. They don't really respond. Soon though they get angry i have let our son get into some pens they randomly value. I am angered because they have just thrown, broken, threatened to break, ripped up, touched all my things. I say that. Mistake. We start arguing again. They are the victim, I've started it. They tell my son they parent is an asshole again. I can't take it. I'm losing control myself. I am so mad they can't control themselves around him, and probably just as mad at myself for taking him back into this situation. I videotape again. My SO completely loses it. Hits my face, screams, yells 1cm away from my face, tries to grab my phone, nudges my face with theirs, I almost headbutt them hard back but I stop inches away, I want to beat them up, I'm at my limit. They go into another room with my son. Hysterical. I calm down enough to be extremely scared that i was inches away from ruining my life. And so devastated that I thought it was somehow a good idea to for my son and me to remain in the home with them. I'm just terrified and hate myself. Eventually my SO's psychiatrist calls, while they believe I am recording them, they go from losing their mind at me, to sounding totally normal as they pick up. It's scary.

They somewhat calm down and try to reach out to me, to try to smooth it over but can't do it if I act as if I was abused. They need me to act normal and happy or else they get angry and out of control again. I try to remain calm, but I can't ignore what has just happened. I say this can never, ever happen, neither of us is yelling, cursing, losing control, or even arguing in front of our son anymore. They agree but clearly want to blame me. They don't like that I am blaming them.

As we are leaving to daycare, my SO needs my son to hug them, my son is a toddler, he likes to say no, likes to resist, thinks it's kind of funny. It is kind of funny, but my SO can't take it. Says, "oh, you hate me too now. Fine." I can see what will be in store for my son as he becomes more and more his own person. My son and I leave. I have agreed to meet my SO for lunch today to talk about cohabitation while essentially separated, or how we plan to move forward, divorce, marriage counseling, etc. I am sick at myself for even considering staying. But I'm also honestly scared to make any big move while my SO is still having an episode. I almost feel as if they need to be "themselves" before I could truly broach divorce. My SO is also a lawyer, I am so nervous that if I initiated divorce that they would destroy my life. And the thing is, I know they could. I am nice, and normal (other than being extremely codependent and a doormat), but I'm not sadistic or want to punish, like they can be. I worry that if it came to a battle, their fanatical vengefulness, ability to hate, and incredible manipulation techniques would destroy me. Take my son away, or put on probation, in prison or all of the above. And I'm even more sick with myself because I feel that if they calmed down and were nice and sad and sorry (like they eventually get after episodes) that I would sign up for me. I can't not. It's a sickness it itself.

I'm not sure what to do. I have a consultation with a lawyer to just learn about my options and rights, in case things get even more crazy. And i have tried to document this as much as possible. I've told my friend and my SO's cousin everything, in the hopes that they could be assets if my SO goes nuclear.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm lost. My SO is still yo-yo-ing as we speak. I had to block their number this morning. They are telling their cousin they need to go to the ER but won't because I won't answer. I refuse to answer, but I'm scared of the evening. I'm scared of involving any authorities. My SO's main therapist apparently talked to them after I called their other one, and reinforced the idea that they (the therapist) has seen partners do what I am doing in an attempt to take the child, and/or get my SO put away. This was devastating to hear. I just don't know what to do. If you've made it this far, I really appreciate it. I didn't plan on writing this much when I started. PLEASE READ.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sabas]

Slight update: they were begging me to leave and stay at a hotel. I don’t want to leave my son, and I don’t want to risk any custody implications by leaving the marital home and my son with her for multiple days. They say they can’t be around me or go to a hotel because they need to be around our son, our dogs, etc., and a hotel will make them feel lonely and suicidal. They said their therapist said to not stay at a hotel because of risk of suicide. Of course they also won’t go to the ER or mental health crisis center. They need me to leave and leave our son.

I refused because I’m worried about the implications later if things get worse, and now they want to stay at one and say they won’t hurt themselves but I know their M.O. And they will cryptically say this is a bad idea but won’t say they will kill themselves outright and try and make me worry all night. Probably call constantly and text. And then eventually come home. I don’t know what to do. I think it would be best to be apart but I’m so worried about leaving my son and I know my SO is going to beg to leave and then as soon as they do they’ll try their best to make me wonder if they will survive it.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi sabas, I am so sorry for what you and your child are going through. I am especially sorry, because, I have been through all of it myself. Your experience lines up with so many members here. You are not alone.

I also understand the crippling guilt that comes with watching these things happening to our children and feeling powerless against it. I am today a month separated from my BPDw with a protection order against her and I am dealing with the guilt of what I allowed to happen as we speak.

I also understand your fear about bringing in the authorities. The truth is there's no magic number we can call where child services will burst into the house, take the abusive partner away and hand us custody of our children. These situations are too nuanced and complex and take a lot of time to untangle, anywhere from months to years. 

I think the best thing you can do for you and your child is to start taking steps towards changing your situation. You took the first step to actually give the police your information. That is a BIG step. It took a ton of courage. For the next step, I would strongly suggest you begin thoroughly documenting your partner's behavior if you haven't already. You can reach out to friends and family members to build your support system. And having a consultation with a lawyer would be another great step, and seeing a counselor to work on your feelings of fear and guilt. All of these things could be done privately and without causing the situation to flare up (but do exercise extreme caution in not being discovered!) 

Which of the above actions seem most feasible at the moment? What are the challenges if they are not feasible?

~ROE

[sabas]

Hey ROE,

I really appreciate the response. Hearing someone else take the situation in stride and have practical actions to take is huge. I always feel so guilty and horrible if i stew in my own feelings and recollections, usually just making myself feel worse and worse and more and more helpless.

And I'm proud to hear you've taken big steps yourself. That's awesome. Must feel very empowering to have removed yourself and your children from the situation.

In terms of actions, I have started attempting to document what happens during the episodes. Like you say, that in and of itself is a something that I feel i can do and while I do it I gain confidence and realize I have some form of control. It's such a strange and confusing situation we all find ourselves in. When the abuse and episode is ongoing I feel frantic in documenting, reaching out to others, essentially trying to protect myself from their threats. Yet, when they come back down and I can see my partner has returned to their "normal" self, I suddenly am racked with guilt in any attempt to protect myself. I want to be open and honest, even though I know that's a fool's errand. And I go from feeling a loss of control due to their inability to control themselves, to an inability to control because of the guilt and shame at hiding things when i can see how defeated they are by the episodes. My SO has made some huge, huge steps in the past few months. They are in DBT, see another counselor once a week, see a psychiatrist, and have started to really take responsibility (at least a lot more than none) for what is happening in our lives. But obviously, I cannot take any more of the threats that occur during an episode. It's as if I didn't let other, lesser threats control me so they've gone to one place I can't ignore: suicide, and custody/potential kidnapping. So the progress they've made contributes greatly to my guilt.

But I know I cannot let that control me. I am documenting. I have told a few friends exactly what occurred so I have some people who confirm my story. I also am having a consultation with a lawyer. Just to be a little more informed. I am absolutely terrified of them finding out about that, because they have a paranoia I am trying to take our child, which I absolutely am not. My SO has also made a marriage counseling appointment for next week. That gives me a bit of hope.

Those actions all make me feel better. I just know the roller coaster all too well. I feel so hopeful and relieved now that I see them back to "normal". And I get scared that those positive feelings will make me complacent in preparing for the next episode. And suddenly when it happens I will lose all composure and perspective on what I can control. Once my SO had calmed down I explained why I have videotaped/recorded, that I am simply trying to have some protection against their threats to have ME taken away. They tried to assure me that they would never actually do that. That they would never try to take my son's parent away from him. I believe them when they are "themselves", but it truly feels like a different person during episodes, and it's that person I am scared of. It also feels, and I'm sure everyone here knows this all too well, that during an episode the more concrete, blatant actions I take to protect myself and my son, and, honestly, my SO, the deeper it send my SO into their "episode self". Which is a terrifying thing to see.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi sabas, I see a lot of forward momentum on your part, and I don't expect it to slow down. You are trying to make change and take back control. I am not one to say what that change will look like, whether its your decision to end the marriage or your SO getting the help they need and your relationship improving, but you have already realized that things as they are are NOT OK and that you're the only one in a stable enough place to do something about it. Control isn't something you regain in an instant. It comes back piece by piece.

You are also incredibly self aware in terms of your emotions, where they are helping you and where they are not. Since you are 43 posts in I will assume someone has mentioned the FOG concept to you by now (Fear Obligation Guilt). When I do manage to overcome these three, it takes mindfulness and intention. Let's walk through them:

Fear - Based on your knowledge of her patterns would (could?) she follow through on any of the threats she makes to control you? If she did, are there any preventative actions you can take? How do you take back your ground here?

Obligation - By fulfilling your obligations to her, are you neglecting those to yourself and to your child?

Guilt - Is taking these actions truly "hurting" her? Has she lost her job, her health, or been arrested? If we think in the long-term, is it possible providing her with genuine consequences to her behavior could help to trigger genuine change on her part, meaning you are actually "helping her"?

~ROE

[sabas]

ROE,

Thank you. The idea that control is regained slowly, inch by inch, is something I have to keep in mind. It's very easy during an episode to really realize how little control I feel I have and then freak out that I need it all back at once. That leads to feeling even more helpless, because like you say, there's not really any single action I can take that would regain it all for me instantaneously.

I have looked into FOG, but not as much as I should. It's definitely a big part of our dynamic. And my anxiety.

I do fear that during an episode they would follow through. I don't think it's a highly probable thing, if I had to bet I would bet that they wouldn't but I do think the probability is non-zero. I think that if they did follow through, and somehow I ended up being taken by the police, that it would be a very high emotional event that would probably snap them out of it, at least somewhat. I think after the episode subsided they would feel intense guilt. But the fear of it does prevent me from taking a stronger, and in my opinion, healthier action during the episode. This episode was very frightening for me, and perhaps i needed to hit some sort of bottom to truly motivate me into taking some actions. I have told some friends, including one of my SO's family members, what has happened and what threats they have made towards me. These people have said they would do whatever I needed to mitigate any police or authority trouble my SO could get me in by lying. Whether that would be effective or not, I'm not sure, but it does make me feel less alone and with some insurance. I also have tried to document the threats and events through some writing, as well as some recordings, text messages, etc. That also makes me feel a little more insured. I don't feel 100% protected but it does push me closer to mitigating the fear. I'm not sure what else I could do, other than to trust my preventative actions and myself that I could life with and handle whatever happens after calling the crisis line or police.

I do think that i have neglected myself, and my child to a lesser extent, while feeling obligation to care-take my SO. And the ironic thing is that by ignoring my own needs and health, I am damaging my own ability to be a good partner, regardless of being with a pwBPD, or someone perfectly adjusted and healthy. This part is my biggest issue. I have talked to my SO, therapist, and our marriage counselors about feeling obligated and how a lot of times my SO doesn't ask or want me to feel obligated to do anything, but through the years I have internalized the care-taking role. I now feel almost powerless to resist the pull of self-imposed obligations. That gets even more hopeless when my SO DOES express a need or want, however unreasonable. I have to figure out how to deal with this feeling. It rules my life.

You're ideas on guilt are extremely interesting and, I think, apt. While I was begging the dispatcher and officers not to come after I'd called I felt like a mother of a heroin addict who is buying heroin for their child because they can't see their child in the pain of withdrawal. And, like an addict, perhaps my SO needs to hit an actual rock-bottom, or at the very least face some real life consequences to her actions. Otherwise, why would she be truly motivated to end the worst parts of the episodes if I essentially let her get away with it over and over. I've taught her that it's ok and things will go back to normal as soon as the episode ends. In that way I am enabling her, just like an addict.

[RolandOfEld]

The idea that control is regained slowly, inch by inch, is something I have to keep in mind.

Just so you know I have yet to take back full control myself. Right now the one thing my wife controls is she can still take the kids to be with her whenever she wants and there's little I can do since my long term PO for the kids has yet to go through. There are some things we can do right now, and others take time, no matter how wrong the things they do are.

I do fear that during an episode they would follow through.

My wife has had me brought into the police on two occasions, and on both occasions I just answered their questions. They told me both times even if it goes to court its highly unlikely it will go through since her charges were so bizarre and ridiculous and only make her look unstable. If she threatens stuff like telling the police you abused her or your son, think about how even if you were detained by the police (extremely unpleasant, I know), how would she make that case in court? Does she have evidence of said abuse? Of anything? Meanwhile you have piles of documents. Do you think she might win here? (non-rhetorical question)

On another occasions when I defied her she was violent, but it was that act of violence that let me get a protection order.

Let me be clear that I would never suggest you do anything that would put you or your child in a dangerous situation. But in some cases letting them act out their bad behavior and then properly documenting it can be a huge help towards getting where you need to go in the future, if that's a route you end up chosing. Like you said so well, even if you don't separate or take any legal action, having all that evidence safely stowed away can definitely do a lot to boost your confidence. Sounds like you are already taking good action on this part.  

While I was begging the dispatcher and officers not to come after I'd called I felt like a mother of a heroin addict who is buying heroin for their child because they can't see their child in the pain of withdrawal.
 

Wow, this is a very powerful way to describe the idea. But this really is the case. All these years I thought I was taking care of my wife I was really hurting her by enabling these behaviors. Before being with me, she probably never did these sort of things because none of her past boyfriends stuck around for it to go that far.  

Any updates on the hotel idea? One thing I need to emphasize from my own experience was that once I finally took the leap and moved out, wow suddenly I was able to accomplish so much. The distance gave me a lot of power. The drawback was that she didn't let me see the kids for close to three weeks, arguably the most painful three weeks of my life. But I bore it out, and now the kids are with me and she is fast running out of options since she couldn't take care of them on her own. Would your son be in true danger if he was alone with her for a while? Or would it just be an issue of he's safe but the care quality is not good?

I had the exact same concerns about me leaving the kids in terms of how it would look for custody, so I thoroughly documented my daily efforts to persuade her to let the kids stay with me along with the reasons I had to move out (e.g. her violent and controlling behavior). I think if you can make a nuanced case and show the rationale behind you leaving, e.g. the environment was too hostile for your to effectively take care of your son and you needed distance to take legal action, the judge should be able to see the reasoning.

~ROE

[sabas]

Thanks, ROE. Your approach and mindset are something to aspire to. I've tried to do some mental work in preparing to leave (for the short term) during an episode. I know her suicide threats ramp way, way up when I try to leave while she is in the middle of an episode. She will push and fight if I try to get to the door. If I try to take my son it's like WW3, she says if she's alone and she doesn't have his presence she has nothing to tie to reality and the main reason she shouldn't kill herself. If I leave him, she says he's not safe with her. That's when I called the police, as I described.

It's so difficult. In the middle of an episode she begs for "compassion", of course as soon as I try to give it to her it's not good enough, or not soon enough, or she "can tell I don't actually feel it", etc. But I am pulled by this idea that all people need love and love is how you help someone. But it's also true that sometimes love involves not giving in and protecting them from consequences.

Her episodes have now become weekly. She works long, 12-hour days 5-6 days a week and then the one or two days she has off to spend with our son and me, she creates an argument that leads to an episode. Consistently now. It's baffling, to a non-pwBPD, to see how she will destroy the time we have together. Especially if it is essentially, unstructured time, just hanging around the house. There needs to be an exact plan, for activity, dinner, after dinner, etc. for her to feel like I want to be around her.

I really struggle with how much she expects me to caretake. Her diet is strict, and unpredictable. Sometimes she doesn't want to eat because her stomach hurts, sometimes she wants to eat food that violates her diet because she's very hungry and underweight, sometimes she wants an exact combination of vegetables and supplements so that she can feel healthy, and I never know which it is. But she expects me to make dinner without asking her what she wants. She wants to "not think about it", which seems to be a common theme. She wants me to read her mind, with dinner, with activities, with my tone and energy towards her, etc. It's truly exhausting. I get extremely sensitive when I've spent every second of every day thinking of what she needs, how I can care for her, how i can make her feel loved, and then she passively complains that i'm not supporting her enough. It sets me off. And it's like she can sense that those complaints/arguments/discussions will lead to an episode and when she feels bad or lonely or that I'm not paying her enough attention, she goes there to create strife. To create the emotional outburst, that is horrible, but is something rather than the emptiness she feels otherwise. I don't even know if it's conscious.

I'm rambling. But I am finding it so difficult to go through the abuse and terror of an episode, and then to be expected on the other side to immediately caretake, communicate effectively, plan activities, meals, etc., when it feels like I'm just trying to survive minute-to-minute. I think I hold resentment that I am still here, trying to show her love, and that that should be enough. Even though it isn't healthy to be so lacks when it comes to abuse, I think my id feels very unappreciated that I am still here. That i am still trying. That isn't seen, and all my "failings" in terms of the rest of the support are in stark relief. It's like I want to scream, "YOU'RE EFFING LUCKY I HAVEN'T HAD YOU ARRESTED, YOU"RE LUCKY I STILL GET OUT OF BED, YOU'RE LUCKY I STILL LOVE YOU, I STILL HAVE EMPATHY FOR YOU, THAT I'M STILL EFFING HERE! HOW DARE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT AN EFFING MEAL! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS, AND YET YOU STILL FIND A WAY IN WHICH I'M NOT ENOUGH!"

I need to talk to my therapist about those feelings. They make it very, very difficult for me to not JADE, and to validate, to stay calm, to avoid episodes.

Not sure what i was going with with all of this. Just had to get it off my chest, and perhaps wondering how you, or anyone, does to deal with those feelings of resentment that are so counterproductive to what I really want.

[RolandOfEld]

Not sure what i was going with with all of this. Just had to get it off my chest, and perhaps wondering how you, or anyone, does to deal with those feelings of resentment that are so counterproductive to what I really want.

Hi sabas, you are absolutely welcome to use this space to get it off your chest. It is not only essential to your mental and emotional health, but it ensures your capability to remain a stable parent. Please use this thread however you need to manage your emotions.

The resentment can become overpowering! While the logical part of our minds knows they are sick and can't really control this behavior, emotionally we are human beings and our capacity to absorb this kind of treatment is very limited. We are not designed to cope with this sort of thing, but in situations like ours it becomes normalized. I think trying to validate their feelings is a noble aim and can help to diffuse bad situations, but the truth is we can only really do it when our own emotional tank is close to full.

Talking to your counselor is the right thing to do. Even though I am now almost two months separated from my wife, I am still coping with all the emotional trauma on a daily basis. Some things I do to cope with my feelings:

- Finding a private place, speak all my feelings into my phone recorder, then LISTEN to them
- Boxing (very healthy for getting out negative emotions)
- Talking to friends and family whenever I can 
- Meditation

A few years ago I also got into the habit of talking to and validating MYSELF. Having a healthy dialogue and relationship with one's self as you live with someone trying to break you down is crucial to surviving.

Which of the above ideas appeals to you most? What do you do for self-care? We leaped over these questions.

~ROE

[sabas]

I've never really thought about validating myself, that's something I can definitely work on. I should try meditating. I've always been intrigued by it but never put in the time to actually learn it and really devote myself to it. I think remaining mindful and aware is a huge part of being able to stay calm in situations where it feels like she is truly trying to trigger me, even if it's subconscious on her end.

It's been interesting, and sad, that I've started seeing some of her BPD traits surfacing in myself. I am easily triggered, I am quick to anger, I want her to read my mind sometimes. I really, really dislike that that is happening. And I need to take steps to mitigate that effect.

I agree taking care of myself and my mental state is a key, and falls by the wayside for so many of us. We are so focused on their well-being, their reactions, their feelings, that we forget about our own. I know I think about my wife far, far more than I think about myself.

I think I can look into meditating. I also love playing basketball, as you mention boxing, it's a place I can lose myself in the moment and just enjoy the present. Unfortunately with covid I haven't been able to play. But going on walks and hikes is a way I can get some exercise and alone time with myself. I need to prioritize that. One thing that I'm sure you'll identify with, is the resistence from our pwBPD when we try to carve out time for ourselves. That's when the codependency really shows itself for me. I know I need to prioritize myself, but I can't stop thinking about her if I leave and I know she feels abandoned or neglected, even while I know that's not true. Along with prioritizing my own mental health, I have to learn to be okay with her not being okay. And that it is not my responsibility to make her feel okay, especially if it's at the expense of myself.

Another thing I find very difficult, along the same lines. Is recovering from the episodes. Her episodes typically last through the night, and can continue for 48-72 hours. The whole time I'm being abused and/or torturing myself wondering if she's going to hurt herself, should I call the police, should I trust her to be alone, etc. At the end of it I'm a shell of a person. I feel like sleeping for three days. Quickly though I need to get back to normal, and give her energy and show I desire to be around her, or else risk another breakdown. By the time we reach her next "weekend" where she is off work and wants to catch up as a family I am still tired and dulled. Being listless, tired, undemonstrative, is a recipe for her to feel I don't love her, don't want to be around her, which of course leads to another episode. It feels like a catch-22. I need rest, quiet, solitude to recover from the abuse. But if I try to get those things, I will be abused again. If I try to fake it, I am wearing myself down and begin to quietly resent that I feel I must "perform" while feeling like laying in a dark room for days on end. To get the rest, I must end the cycle, but it's so difficult for me to end the cycle when I need the rest. And the sad thing is, I have no idea how long it would actually take me to truly recover. It could be three weeks of not really being engaged, not really talking, not really doing much of anything. And I do know she is trying, we can talk about her BPD, her abuse, her culpability far more than I have seen most pwBPD. She is trying. And I feel inadequate, or not "tough enough" when I feel drained and sleepy. I must end that somehow.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi sabas, I can feel your suffering from your words very strongly. Exhaustion - in my experience - is the absolute worst form of physical, mental, and emotional torture. I am curious to hear how your son figures into this in terms of who is in charge of most of his care during these hard periods.

You are right that they will generally try to get in the way of any meaningful self-care time. This is because when it comes down to it, pwBPD have a hard time getting behind something that does have specific benefit for them, even if we explain that having time to ourselves will make us healthier and better partners to them.

So how did I get self-care time for myself when I was living with my spouse? To be honest, I got very little, which is among the major reasons I left. If it was something like seeing my counselor, I would spin it that I was working with them to not be so messed up (she liked feeling like I was the one with the most issues). When it came to a personal activity like boxing class, it required the negotiation of a child care agreement that benefited her way more (I took care of them six nights a week except for the night of my boxing class). Or making up reasons to go to the laundromat so I could get some individual time. And I'll admit a lot of downright lying about why I needed to step out and what I was doing. Once I realized my emotional health was a higher priority than honesty in a relationship with someone that couldn't tolerate honesty, this wasn't a moral issue for me anymore, sad as that sounds.

Besides the above, I wanted to check in and ask what the ideal outcome for the situation you are hoping for is right now. Are you hoping that you can change the relationship to bring it to a more tolerable level? Or have you decided that at some point you want to end it? I don't mean that I particularly suggest one direction, but this is something I haven't clearly picked up in the thread so far. 

~ROE