Chance encounter with my bpd ex, here is what I learned

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been a part of this community for several years.  It started when I took to the internet to explain to me why my girlfriend now ex behaved in such a confounding manner.  After searching, reading, and researching I discovered bpd and everything it entailed and the light bulb went off. Sadly I still stayed with me ex through 7 or 8 discards/recycles that lasted 6 plus years.  You can read previous posts about my situation on here if you so choose. 

But to catch up to the present I had finally reached the point where I knew better than to ever be in a relationship with her again.  But we still maintained a friends with benefits arrangement and texted and talked quite often.  I thought it would be the best situation as she would never be engulfed or fear abandonment without being in the confines of the relationship.  I, however, did not give her enough credit in the way she can manage to cause conflict and ruin any type of "relationship" even a fwb.  She started saying she did not want me to sleep with other people as she was not doing that, I agreed then 6 or so months later she comes and tells me she slept with her ex husband and may have been pregnant by him or me.  At that point after this several other cheatings, vicious discards, fake love bombings, her alcoholism, and terrible parenting I had enough told her to leave and never to speak with me again.

Now 6 or 7 weeks later I run into her down town at a bar, I say "hey how are you", politely and she responds "PLEASE READ you", like she is angry at me for some reason, which I do not understand.  So being more in control now I simply say "okay have a nice night" and walk away.  Also I should add she is drunk, as always probably flirting with everyone and being very loud and slutty like usual.  Low and behold an hour later she calls me says she wants me to come and hang out for some random excuse, she says its to show her friend what an asshole I am.  So I say yeah okay and meet up.  She is like she always is drunk, forward, cycling between insulting me and praising me.  She drops a bomb that shes dating two people now, or something along those lines, and then she says she isn't, she keeps going back and forth with this saying its funny because I don't know the truth if she is or isn't, why she wanted to be cruel like that I don't know.  She is also insulting these guys, saying they are short or have no social skills, and she wants to have sex with me because I am tall and I have a "more substantial appendage".

We had crazy sex like usual, and then she left and we haven't spoken in a few days.  This whole interaction was enlightening as it was confusing.  I have constantly wondered if I was the reason she kept leaving me, I wasn't good enough, but here again she has met these other guys and it has only been a month or so and she is already having sex with me she didn't even give them a chance to be monogamous or see if they could be.  So that showed me there was nothing anyone could do to stop her promiscuous ways, at least it seems to me to be the case.  That night she was constantly berating me saying I didn't do this and that for her she wanted to do family things and have a good family trip and all these things like her ex husband had with his new fiance.  But if this were true why didn't she give me the chance to do so? I tried but after her behavior I no longer wanted to do anything for her, when we were in a relationship.  And if she wants this nice family thing so much why is she cheating on these new guys with me, if they represent the possibility for her "family identity".  Plus like I said she was insulting them so it isn't as though she seems very in love it really makes no sense in that way.

I guess I need to really, finally understand that what she says and what she does never line up in the truth.  Her dating profile makes her sound like shes a regular person, the night we slept together I saw a garbage can at her house filled to the brim with beer and alcohol bottles and her kids were left at the house by themselves age 14 and 10 while she was down town drunk where I ran into her.  It all breaks my heart and makes me angry and honestly it makes me angry with myself because I shouldn't be worried about any of this, we are over but I can not stop thinking about all of these things either.  I guess the fact that it appears no matter what she always seems to come back into my life at some point 8 recycles and this last time a few days ago, so it keeps me stuck in the cycle.

Has anyone had similar experience or feelings to this?  What do you suggest on breaking this mental stranglehold that keeps me involved in this destructive behavior?  Thanks for everything and you guys and girls stay strong and know that better days are ahead!

[KarmasReal]

I have been a part of this community for several years.  It started when I took to the internet to explain to me why my girlfriend now ex behaved in such a confounding manner.  After searching, reading, and researching I discovered bpd and everything it entailed and the light bulb went off. Sadly I still stayed with me ex through 7 or 8 discards/recycles that lasted 6 plus years.  You can read previous posts about my situation on here if you so choose. 

But to catch up to the present I had finally reached the point where I knew better than to ever be in a relationship with her again.  But we still maintained a friends with benefits arrangement and texted and talked quite often.  I thought it would be the best situation as she would never be engulfed or fear abandonment without being in the confines of the relationship.  I, however, did not give her enough credit in the way she can manage to cause conflict and ruin any type of "relationship" even a fwb.  She started saying she did not want me to sleep with other people as she was not doing that, I agreed then 6 or so months later she comes and tells me she slept with her ex husband and may have been pregnant by him or me.  At that point after this several other cheatings, vicious discards, fake love bombings, her alcoholism, and terrible parenting I had enough told her to leave and never to speak with me again.

Now 6 or 7 weeks later I run into her down town at a bar, I say "hey how are you", politely and she responds "PLEASE READ you", like she is angry at me for some reason, which I do not understand.  So being more in control now I simply say "okay have a nice night" and walk away.  Also I should add she is drunk, as always probably flirting with everyone and being very loud and slutty like usual.  Low and behold an hour later she calls me says she wants me to come and hang out for some random excuse, she says its to show her friend what an asshole I am.  So I say yeah okay and meet up.  She is like she always is drunk, forward, cycling between insulting me and praising me.  She drops a bomb that shes dating two people now, or something along those lines, and then she says she isn't, she keeps going back and forth with this saying its funny because I don't know the truth if she is or isn't, why she wanted to be cruel like that I don't know.  She is also insulting these guys, saying they are short or have no social skills, and she wants to have sex with me because I am tall and I have a "more substantial appendage".

We had crazy sex like usual, and then she left and we haven't spoken in a few days.  This whole interaction was enlightening as it was confusing.  I have constantly wondered if I was the reason she kept leaving me, I wasn't good enough, but here again she has met these other guys and it has only been a month or so and she is already having sex with me she didn't even give them a chance to be monogamous or see if they could be.  So that showed me there was nothing anyone could do to stop her promiscuous ways, at least it seems to me to be the case.  That night she was constantly berating me saying I didn't do this and that for her she wanted to do family things and have a good family trip and all these things like her ex husband had with his new fiance.  But if this were true why didn't she give me the chance to do so? I tried but after her behavior I no longer wanted to do anything for her, when we were in a relationship.  And if she wants this nice family thing so much why is she cheating on these new guys with me, if they represent the possibility for her "family identity".  Plus like I said she was insulting them so it isn't as though she seems very in love it really makes no sense in that way.

I guess I need to really, finally understand that what she says and what she does never line up in the truth.  Her dating profile makes her sound like shes a regular person, the night we slept together I saw a garbage can at her house filled to the brim with beer and alcohol bottles and her kids were left at the house by themselves age 14 and 10 while she was down town drunk where I ran into her.  It all breaks my heart and makes me angry and honestly it makes me angry with myself because I shouldn't be worried about any of this, we are over but I can not stop thinking about all of these things either.  I guess the fact that it appears no matter what she always seems to come back into my life at some point 8 recycles and this last time a few days ago, so it keeps me stuck in the cycle.

Has anyone had similar experience or feelings to this?  What do you suggest on breaking this mental stranglehold that keeps me involved in this destructive behavior?  Thanks for everything and you guys and girls stay strong and know that better days are ahead!

[mongazish]

I had finally reached the point where I knew better than to ever be in a relationship with her again.  But we still maintained a friends with benefits arrangement and texted and talked quite often.  I thought it would be the best situation as she would never be engulfed or fear abandonment without being in the confines of the relationship.

 

I recently posted about a very similar situation. Almost identical actually. We were together for 3 years, been broken up for 8 months and have remained friends and we would talk and have had sex several times. About 10 days ago she stopped responding out of nowhere which she has done in the past but never for this long. No activity at all. And i haven't reached out either because it turns out she is with someone else and spending almost all her time with him. He is really attractive and seems badass and fiery. she knows she has a tendency to fall in love with people too fast and gets her feelings all entangled and hurts people but still has almost no capacity to resist. it's almost painful to see how aware she is of her problems and does next to nothing about saving herself from them. but i understand that is part of this whole bpd programming.

after her behavior I no longer wanted to do anything for her, when we were in a relationship.  And if she wants this nice family thing so much why is she cheating on these new guys with me, if they represent the possibility for her "family identity".

i have thought this same thing too. i became so weak-willed by the end of the relationship, it is not hard to see why she didn't want to continue anything with me. but i have been reminding myself that i am not just that way by default. i have never really been that way in my life, but i let the relationship get the best of me and became a shell and then she wants out. i think the recycling helps change the perspective on that. maybe you feel similarly? like it seems attractive to the pwbpd to be in that kind of friends with benefits situation because they don't have to worry about engulfment. and their detachment game is on point, meanwhile people like us who get broken down to the point of doing what we are doing and talking about it over the internet think it will be a good thing and it usually just ends horribly (at least in terms of your emotional state).

my ex really wants kids too and there is a part of me that loves the idea of having kids with her but not right now. maybe not ever. but she sees it in this fantastical way i think. like she just wants to have a kid and then love it and life will be amazing. but i know i am no condition to be a parent right now so i have a lot of work to do. part of me is wondering if she sees something in this new guy that makes her think he would be a reliable parent. he hasn't gone through what i have so he is more stable. has less pain to deal with. it's really hard for me not to obsess over her finding someone who can give her everything that i couldn't but not realizing it is because i got messed up over time and this new person is fresh and seeing her at her best. it's a mess. i am getting past it but it is going to take time.   

i am still in the thick of it so i am in no way giving you advice from a healed perspective. i'm going through it too, my friend. it is rough. to try to find stability with someone who seems to contradict themselves so much. it has taken so much out of me. i barely know who i am. but it's kind of comforting after i get through waves of pain to know she is just not asking for me. i am free. i can learn to live for myself which felt impossible as time went on with her.

What do you suggest on breaking this mental stranglehold that keeps me involved in this destructive behavior?

like i said i have no great tips, but what helps me is reading and interacting with people on this site, watching mental health videos on youtube, and also videos on masculinity and trying to reclaim your masculinity (i don't know if this is a problem for you. it definitely is for me.) i started a new job. i have been trying to stay active so that i don't dwell on all these things that hurt and confuse me. and sometimes if i find myself pausing and the hurt and confusion sets in, i just breathe through it and let it hurt and confuse me. my heart beats faster, i lost my appetite, feel a little nauseous. imagining her being a whole new person that i don't know to please someone else after we shared the depths of ourselves with each other. it's hard. wish i could be more helpful. but we will be alright. you will get through it. just shrink your bubble so that it's only you. you just gotta make yourself okay. i am just telling myself to be selfish. and take the blows from my inner critic. don't be there for her. be a jerk for once. because it's not actually making you a jerk, it is just getting you past all the pain. i don't have much more to say. we're all here.

[FindingMe2011]

I had enough told her to leave and never to speak with me again.

This appears to be an executive/ultimate decision that you have made. So i have to ask What did you really expect when you say this?

 Now 6 or 7 weeks later I run into her down town at a bar, I say "hey how are you",

You seem surprised that she blew you off. BPD or not, is this not a typical response? Then to have this in a setting, where most likely neither of you are planning to keep to yourselves. many frequent bars looking for whatever, you probably sex, BPD an attachment (and willing to trade sex for this attachment) So possibly you expected her to have sex with you, on this occasion? Im fairly certain this is what BPD was thinking, as probably all the single women at a bar understands, no? So now you have drawn a line and have decided to cross it. Where are your boundaries? Confusing to most im thinking.

I, however, did not give her enough credit in the way she can manage to cause conflict and ruin any type of "relationship" even a fwb.

Im confused, Could you tell me the rules to a FWB r/s? It appears to be the dysfunctional dance wrapped up neatly, in a new package. If you understand BPD you would know it constantly needs a host to mirror, so to think a FWB r/s is going to work, is a pipe dream at best. If your expecting BPD to hold their boundaries to end a r/s, good luck with that one. Ending the r/s has validated the illness, she is bad. She will find a new host(rescuer, just as you once were) play the victim, and you are the persecutor, and you should have to pay, for now. This is triangulation, another dysfunctional dance.

She is also insulting these guys, saying they are short or have no social skills,

Just as she is insulting you when you are not present...

she wants to have sex with me because I am tall and I have a "more substantial appendage".

We had crazy sex like usual,

I guess we all know where your priorities/standards for a r/s lean towards. Its really TMI, and im wondering how this helps your maturing process. A BPD person is the eternal victim. Many fit right into the sadist position of an S/M relationship. its what the illness dictates, its only mind blowing to you. BPD sees this as the tool for the attachment. She is mirroring you. Anyone with narcissistic traits can fall in love with themselves, i did.

I guess I need to really, finally understand that what she says and what she does never line up in the truth.  

Maybe this hold true for the both of you. Its for you to decide.

I guess the fact that it appears no matter what she always seems to come back into my life at some point 8 recycles and this last time a few days ago, so it keeps me stuck in the cycle.

You choose to allow her back in your life, and its your cycle that you are stuck in. Again if you are asking a Cluster B to stop a dysfunctional dance and then blame it for doing what it does. You will continue this hamster wheel of pain.

What do you suggest on breaking this mental stranglehold that keeps me involved in this destructive behavior?

 T would be a good start. Your actions/words dont appear you are ready to stop. So for now keep dancing. When the pain becomes great enough, then change is possible. I wish you well, Peace

[KarmasReal]

RollerDerby,

Some good insights your post made me take a closer look at the motives and thinking of myself in relation to this situation. 

To respond to some of your questions/responses:

First I am 100 percent sure she insults me when I am not around as she sometimes does when I am around, so that is totally correct. 

Second I don't really understand your excerpt on where my priorities/standards lie in a relationship and my maturing process, could you expound on that? Also on them being sadist in s/m it almost seemed to me she was a bit more to the masochist side.  Also what does the narcissistic love themselves mean, is it in reference to me or her?

Lastly a question, I have read some of your post and your speak of the splitting and triangulation aspect of bpd, where it follows that I rejected her I am currently split black and the new supply/mirror/rescuer is white...if that is the case why did she insult them if they are in the good phase and why did she call me and throw herself at me when I am currently the persecutor and split black?

Thanks for your replies

[grumpydonut]

I'm sorry, Roller Derby. While some of what you said is true, your tone is way out of line. He is asking for help, not a slap to the face.

I understand that you may feel you know BPD and how to deal with it, but we are not all at that place and, when in trauma and looking to learn, a post like yours can do more damage than healing.

[FindingMe2011]

Also on them being sadist in s/m it almost seemed to me she was a bit more to the masochist side.

Its just a continuation of the relationship. They will also be the persecutor from time to time, but typically will revert to the victim role, just as the illness dictates. There are many past posts, from a past member, named 2010. I would copy and paste if I could, but for some reason I have to create a new name on this site if I dont visit for a while. So I encourage you to look him up, and read his work. Its fascinating.

First I am 100 percent sure she insults me when I am not around as she sometimes does when I am around, so that is totally correct.

It appeared to me, in your words, that you were unaware of this, as it was not mentioned. These are one up man-ship r/s. Sometimes each will take turns on the pedestal. If a BPD mirrors their hosts, should we not get a little insight into our own behavior. I remember the honeymoon phase. I put my best foot forward, and she reflected it back to me...What was not to love? Maybe that it was just a fantasy I fed into to?

.if that is the case why did she insult them if they are in the good phase and why did she call me and throw herself at me when I am currently the persecutor and split black?

This is YOUR perception. The game of triangulation moves quickly, as all the people involved will take turns, in different positions. An attractive cluster B, will bring many, the illness stays busy, just as it dictates...The illness cycles like clockwork. This is where you WILL BE recycled, if you choose (leaving the door open)

Also what does the narcissistic love themselves mean, is it in reference to me or her?

 Here is a thread on this maybe it will help. There is plenty, if not most, of situations like this on this very site. Just as BPD can vary, so does NPD. The question you ask, is for you to answer. I can only speak of my experiences and how I perceive things.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56788.0

I'm sorry, FindingMe2011. While some of what you said is true, your tone is way out of line. He is asking for help, not a slap to the face.

Maybe messaging me would be more appropriate. Hijacking ones thread could also be perceived as a slap in the face. Condoning dysfunctional behavior is enabling. Enabling has helped people get here...Many appreciate taking the emotions out of situations. Emotions can distort a lot IMHO. I understand that some will reject my words, and this is OK also...If a person doesnt have problems, he/she is deceased. The problems we incur, are not the problem. The way we cope with the problem, IS THE PROBLEM.  You have no reason to be sorry. I wish all well, Peace (that is the goal)

[Cromwell]

KarmasReal, welcome back

I was wondering if you have ever felt feelings of guilt or shame, I did and it was a strong point of keeping the r/s together with (bpd) ex. Sometimes there can be very subtle things that do it. Reading what you have been through I felt there has been some pressure that you would have went from boyfriend to a different role, more family orientated, that night she brought that up, you are also leaving hers and seeing the alcohol bottles, figured out the kids were left to fend for themselves.

I mean, I can see how that could change that night, if id be berated for not playing a family role, then seeing the family environment, how she was living, and Id made the choice to just stay friends and not take on extra responsibility. I might have asked myself "am I part of the cause - is this because I didnt choose to become more involved, maybe it would not be this way if I had"? That sorta thing?

thanks for sharing because I was recently thinking to myself "what if we would have just stayed as fwb, maybe it would have been great, none of the problems".

[KarmasReal]

Cromwell, thank you for responding and for welcoming me back. It is nice to have conversations with others that truly understand our circumstances and pain. To answer your question I quite often have feelings of guilt and shame but I’m not sure it’s the context you are inferring so I will elaborate. I feel shame over being weak and not cutting this off, I feel shame for being selfish because my drive to go back is ego centric I believe, I feel shame that others(friends, family) know about all the things she’s done to me, I feel shame because I want to be good enough even though I know I will never be for this type of disorder. I feel guilt because this relationship affected me so deeply I let it change me at my core, I went from turning down other women when my exbpd and I had first met out of loyalty to her to become int a serial cheater after she had scarred me so. I wanted to even the score since she had cheated on me and I did with 15 or so others while I lived with my exbpd and that brought me nothing but pain either so don’t ever try to play their games with them you will lose because you think and behave in a non disordered manner. And for some strange reason I still feel protective over her. Like I have to keep the bad people (other men) away because she had issues and doesn’t know what’s happening. Even though in reality they probably would want protecting from her if they knew everything. Do I worry about her safety and the situations she puts herself in and her kids, of course, but I can’t do one thing about it. The worst thing is internalizing everything I know about her bpd and all the things that I have been through because of it, I can barely sustain being a well functioning person. And she goes on and drinks, parties, and looks for new guys. How we feel sorry for them more than ourselves seems like an issue in itself. I know it doesn’t accomplish anything but what does feeling sorry for them accomplish either. Tho he been a bit of a rant but some things on my mind. Also yes fwb doesn’t work really. Maybe if you don’t care you are one of many and might get a disease or mind sharing someone you had love feelings for it could work for a while, but even then they would be tired and want a “real relationship” and discard the dev because they need the idea of longing for a real love, with new love feelings, then blowing that relationship up too.

[grumpydonut]

KarmasReal,

I can resonate with a lot you wrote in that last post. Especially towards the end.

It's true. They want real love, but they don't know what that is. Meanwhile, we want real love (and know what it likely is) but we stay attached / addicted to a BPD who can never provide it.

They can't attach past infatuation - thus why they can so easily move on and pretend we don't exist or matter - and we know this. We long for them (well, at least I did) to provide true love and form a true bond with us. But ultimately they never will. Sad for them.

As for FWB, I have pondered this as well. But how poorly would I have to view myself to have sex with her while she's out sexing everyone else to prove how little our bond actually meant to her.

[KarmasReal]

Grumpydonut,

Great username haha, yes i find myself tonight sitting here longing for something that was not real, feeling ashamed I can not make myself accept that fake and move on, like so many others tell me to do.  I just found out my exbpd blocked my roommate on instagram, I guess she thought I could see her post through him, even though 3 days ago she was calling me to spend the night with her and doing explicit things with me.  It makes no sense, once again, and I can never tell if she is doing this because she wants rid of me which goes against her behavior 3 nights ago, or if she is doing this to get a rise out of me, which she does on a constant basis.  I am sad to say she keeps me so confused that I stay in the FOG.  I am super logic and evidence based so without logic I am basically just chaos wrapped in human form and that is what this makes me.  I wish I could detach within a day and be done but I don't believe I can, if anyone has any advice on that please feel free to share. 

And as for the FWB you mentioned she kept her phone out most of the time and there was no other people on there messaging her and we talked a lot.  I think during that time it was just me and also her ex husband who picks up there kid and was "picking her up" as well if you get my drift.  Thats why I ended that.  I was seeing other people too, but people for the most part are correct FWB never works out because of feelings that always come up with one or both people, especially if you were already in a "committed" relationship with them.  I am ashamed to say I wanted to stay attached so badly but knew I could not survive a relationship that I tried FWB as a last desperate grab at the false connection I thought I could make real. You were right in not doing the same.

[grumpydonut]

As for detaching within a day, I'd say you can be thankful that you cannot do that. I can't imagine you'd have much of an attachment to someone if you could so easily detach.

And yep, I can relate to you regarding just wanting some sort of attachment and willing to sacrifice your needs (and perhaps self respect?) to have one. I let her string me along for 3-4 months while I was very suspicious she was lining up a replacement or at least detaching while keeping me on a leash as a back up. Then one day her excuse of "I just need to get better in order to come back to you" changed to "I think we should move on, you just weren't there for me the way I wanted you to be and you've waited until it's too late" within a couple of weeks

That's who and what they are. Lost children without consistency or logic, completely governed by ever-changing emotions.

[once removed]

I am sad to say she keeps me so confused that I stay in the FOG.  I am super logic and evidence based so without logic I am basically just chaos wrapped in human form and that is what this makes me.  I wish I could detach within a day and be done but I don't believe I can, if anyone has any advice on that please feel free to share. 

i lost my dad about a year and a half ago.

i attended a group called "grief share" a couple of months later. one of the first things that they told us was to face the fact that our loved one was dead and gone, and not coming back.

that can seem a bit harsh. the point was really about the stages of grief that we all experience, and that we cant move forward through those stages, without moving forward through those stages...staying stuck in one stage, working against acceptance.

we may bounce back and forth between stages of grief, but i have found in my life, that the only way to really grieve, to really mourn a loss and let go of it, is through acceptance that the time of that bond is gone and over. you dont grieve by hanging on.

KarmasReal, that is what is keeping you in this loop. no judgment; its what kept me in the loop for a few months after i first came here.

a part of you still has hope for this relationship. you are pretty far away from determining that its over, not coming back, and moving on.

and thats okay. you dont have to be anywhere other than where you are today. but it will help you to see it - clearly see it - and to choose a path forward.

do you want her back? it would be better to post on the Bettering board, and develop a plan, determine where things went wrong, are still going wrong, whether or not they can be repaired. do you want to Detach and let go? if so, in my experience, detaching is a process, the steps of which you have to actively work, and they require determining that the relationship is dead, over, and not coming back. not sure? thats okay too - but picking a path and committing to it will help steer you to calmer shores.

[KarmasReal]

Hi OnceRemoved,

It is good to speak with you once again as we had some discussions on this forum early in my bpd breakups and recycles which helped me a lot. Also I am sorry for your loss and I am glad you were able to work through with the help of wonderful people. 

To answer your questions About facing that are loved was dead and gone as an auspice to start getting over my ex.  I guess in the manner I viewed her years ago I agree the image of the one who was sweet and loving has been dead and gone to me for years now probably the last 3 we were together I knew what she was more or less.  As for her being dead and gone out of my life, that is what gets me stuck.  She has gone through charming me at least 8 times or more in the 6 years I have known her, if I knew that she was forever out of my life and I could create that mental image of being dead and gone it would help but since I know her past actions that makes it difficult.

As for our relationship I know logically there will never be one with us, even the 8 or 9 months we had this past time was never labeled a relationship by me.  I thought if we did not have labels or spent a lot of time together she wouldn't go crazy or make me crazy like usual.  But she still found a way to end it, or force me to end it, even when it was not necessary for her to do it.  We have just shared such an emotional journey it is hard to conceive she won't be in my life in someway, but I guess she views everything a lot differently than I do.  Leaving out all the other crazy make ups and break ups, she went from texting I was one of the most important people in her life, which is true, besides her mom I was the only one there for her through everything this past 6 plus years.  To telling me she had been having sex with someone else (her ex husband) which we had agreed to be FWB with only each other (her idea), and why she told me I have know idea cause I did not suspect it really.  So I was done finally then she sees me out and proceeds to chase after me for the night of passion only to not talk to me any after that live 6 weeks later.  It is just very confusing its like I can not get rid of her in my mind and also she keeps popping up in my life.  At this point I kind of wish when she saw me she rejected me at least I would have a starting point for getting over everything then. 

[Cromwell]

KarmasReal

I get plenty of thoughts, all of those you have given I have had plus more.

Can I ask, do you believe them as real/true/entirely accurate.

very often I get contradictory ones. An example "I feel ashamed at bad things I did to her" versus "she wanted a bad boy, Im ashamed I was not bad enough"

[KarmasReal]

Cromwell,

Wow I have very similar thoughts to that actually, I didn't think anyone else experienced that aspect with their exbpd.  Mine are more I feel ashamed that I became the "bad boy" she seemed to want just to please her.  I am not by nature a cheater, or rude, or uncaring, but it seemed like the only thing I could do based on what I knew about her and her disordered wants just to keep things from blowing up.  Although when I did those things she didn't dump and cheat on me or ridicule me like the other times, she instead said she was hurt, couldn't trust me, thought I was an asshole, and left.  It was a lose, lose situation no matter what I try.  Seems like the only thing you can do is have sex with them once in a while and never talk and then they will be placated, we, however, would not be, or at least I would not be.

[Cromwell]

too much emotional history to pull off for me, I tried.

too much bad blood. unresolved anger. grudges.

I had to compartmentalise that to have sex, otherwise it would have been very primal form of debasement to my self.

eventually I took less credibility in the projections my ex would launch at me. It can hurt to be name called, but the issue when it is done with a lack of skill is that eventually you get one that is way off target, it puts into question all the others. She just mouthed off, in a scatter gun approach with the hope that something would hit the target, sometimes it worked but mostly the upset was that I was put into a firing line in the first place. Not what she was saying - but that it was coming from her, and I had an emotional attachment.

Karmaisreal, thanks for listening and the opportunity to learn from your experience.