Dumped recently by BPD partner and struggling to understand

[StellaS88]

Hi. I was with my bpd partner for almost 5 years. We lived together about 2.5 years. Our relationship was ethically non monogamous and he has another relationship. I dated on and off during out relationship but have primarily engaged in monogamy in the last 2 years.

Anyways, that's just context. Obviously with COVID and other stressors in place, I can't help that feel like our breakup was sudden, impulsive, and possibly a splitting incident. We have had ongoing struggles and arguments in the past 2 years, many of which were the same "fight". He always asked me for patience and time to progress with his therapy, with that these issues would supposedly be less burdensome. I practiced patience the way I knew how, thought I was being supportive and encouraging as well as holding bad or toxic actions accountable.

He broke up with me a little under 3 weeks ago. Immediately vacated our home and the following weekend began moving his possessions out. He refused to speak or engage with me unless a witness was present. He demands all communication be written in email or shares our texts. I feel completely punished, blindsided, and hurt. As angry as I feel for being treated so poorly once he said he was breaking up with me, I am mostly sad and broken hearted.

I don't understand how I triggered the breakup. He claims breaking up with me was necessary for his therapy and treatment (weekly telehealth that he initially wanted to downgrade to bimonthly during COVID). There's a lot of detail and nuance around self harm and toxic dependency here that I won't share, but he claims he spoke with his therapist about planning to break up and it was a thoughtful and "selfish" decision he had to make.

I am struggling to understand what is real and what he is reacting to. I don't expect closure but I would like to have a productive dialogue with him to understand his perspective on why he feels it was necessary to end our long term commitment. He previously said he saw me as a life partner and could see owning a home with me. From what I am reading on this site, I now believe those might not have been his genuine intentions. At best, wishes?

Insight and support appreciated. Struggling a lot, feeling very sad, and completely unmoored in Seattle.

[once removed]

I don't expect closure but I would like to have a productive dialogue with him to understand his perspective on why he feels it was necessary to end our long term commitment. He previously said he saw me as a life partner and could see owning a home with me. From what I am reading on this site, I now believe those might not have been his genuine intentions. At best, wishes?

you may not get this from him, at least not any time soon.

when a breakup occurs, usually both parties are on very different pages. it may not feel that way, and sometimes it may even not feel that way for precisely that reason. the last time i saw my ex, she said she was falling in love with me over again. i felt completely blindsided when a week or so later, she broke up with me.

she mostly gave me general and vague reasons. this can tend to confuse the person being broken up with, and not seem like it adds up, though its a more mature process than "its all your fault".

We have had ongoing struggles and arguments in the past 2 years, many of which were the same "fight".

this is probably key.

what was the ongoing fight? what was conflict like between the two of you?

[AliceBlunderland]

In my experience, when you are cut dead, that has quite an effect on the person being cut out and ignored. It makes you go a bit crazy out of pure desire to discuss what has happened with someone who you thought you were close to.

It makes you want to talk to them even more.

It's abusive of them to stonewall like this, and so disrespectful of the relationship.

I am struggling with something similar, though having been through things like this before, I can see a dynamic there, which is not nice for you or me who have been shut out.

xx

[StellaS88]

I do want to talk to him, so badly. It is taking so much self control to respect his boundary of breaking up and leave him out of my processing and my feelings. But, yeah, I am very hurt and angry about it.

Thanks for responding and validating my feelings. I am so sorry you are going through a similar experience. It is disrespectful and abusive. It's hard not to call him out when I see him. And honestly... there has been some calling out of bad actions to no positive effect. Seems par for the course for people with bpd.

Is there anything you are doing for yourself - beyond participating in this online group - that feels more restorative or helpful? I am surrounding myself with close friends, making sure I eat, watching movies I love and trying to go for walks in the sunshine. Yet, late at night, it all comes crashing back in and I can't help but wonder and fantasize about what talking to him might be like next time.

[StellaS88]

this is probably key.

what was the ongoing fight? what was conflict like between the two of you?

About his negative responses to me having bad days or coming home cranky. Essentially from what I've read so far, he felt insecure about the source of my crankiness and when he tries to question me about it or address it through a nice action, I invalidate his efforts by feeling more cranky or grumpy. For me, what I am experiencing is that I come home in a low mood and he seems to immediately deflate and sulk. We get in communication loops where I am asking him to perceive my feelings on their own and listen to me, and he tries but inevitably any misstep along the way puts his efforts back at square one. Our fights are very calm and respectful. Very rarely... once or twice... it has gone into name calling. Since that happened, when the fights dial into semantics, it's all he brings up. So he is in a loop and I keep asking him for ways to head it off, change things, respond better, and he has no answers. I wish he had directed me here. Maybe I could have changed the conversation and we could have moved past those fights.

[AliceBlunderland]

Did he blame you for everything? Mine did. The list of what was wrong with me is long. He used to shout at me to try meditation and mindfulness! Which seems ludicrous now. I was just working hard, no crime. It is only with the space since he so abruptly ended everything (for the second time) that I have fully realised this dynamic.

I would never speak to someone like that.

When he finished it this time around, he even sent my MUM a text of what is wrong with me (clue: there's nothing majorly wrong with me). That's when I saw the full scale of it and even I couldn't ignore that was abusive. He wanted me to admit all these faults and submit to his will. He even then said he was willing to work with me on all my problems (that he says I've got, sleep disorder etc. Truth was his over-eating caused unbearable snoring).

So - the truth has really hit me. Relationships cannot be like that.

To cope, I talk a lot to my mum and we go for a lot of walks. I like reading and try to do that. Watching films is good too.

It's not easy to accept what has happened, esp as it was so angry and sudden.

But it is what it is, and while I do not feel very strong yet (my bond to him feels very real), I do know I can't return to that.

I feel sorry for him (wrongly), but I have to protect myself and hope for a healthier future.

There's no magic answer. Eating well is also helpful. And sites like this are invaluable.

Take the best care of yourself. And remember, it's not your fault.