How to deal with controlling behaviors?

[Abazaba]

My fiancé with BPD and me are going through somewhat of a separation/breakup. Long story short, we moved in together for 2 months under Covid lockdown and it was a disaster.  I felt like I rarely knew what was going to set him off. I asked for a break, and of course he totally split on me, forced me to move out, and broke up with me. However, he’s now texting me every few days. It goes back and forth between verbal assaults, apologies, and expressions that he loves me but is afraid our relationship can never work.

One issue he keeps bringing up is that he doesn’t like how I dress Of course there is no talk about how his behavior caused me to ask for the break in the first place. This was never an issue up until about 6 months ago. It became even more of an issue when we moved in together. He wanted to pick out all of my outfits every day and I essentially could only wear clothes he liked. I bought an entire new wardrobe to try and make him happy. The problem is, I’m more casual and conservative. I’m 31 and he wanted me to wear crop tops (like the teens are these days), and all very tight, short and form fitting clothes. When I would tell him I was too cold for a certain outfit, he’d tell me it wasn’t cold. When I told him I didn’t feel comfortable wearing something, it would turn into a big argument. He keeps saying he does this because he wants me to be more confident and also because he wants his wife to look good to other people. This doesn’t sound like it’s about my confidence - it doesn’t help to be attacked for my appearance by the person who supposedly loves me. I started feeling so bad about myself and so unattractive. I always dress clean, but I’m a jeans and T-shirt girl and I don’t wear makeup to go to the grocery store. He expects me to get dolled up just to go pick up some milk.

I couldn’t wear baggy T-shirts for PJs without dirty looks or outright rude comments. I couldn’t wear anything he didn’t like without having to deal with his attitude. For example, for some reason he doesn’t like black denim. So, if I wore them, it was a problem. Once we even argued because I put on eyeliner, but he complained that I didn’t draw it on thick enough for his liking.. And now he seems to be in total shock as to why I wanted a break. To me, this seems like unacceptably controlling  behavior and in fact harmful to my self esteem. He doesn’t get it.  He spoke to his mom just yesterday saying he doesn’t know if he can be with me because of how I dress. Nothing about his behavior.

 I even tried asking him if his dad would ever tell his mom how to dress and he responded “he never had to.” This behavior was happening on top of him having tantrums about 2x a week at least over problems with his coworkers/boss or his health (he has hypochondriac tendencies), that would then turn into me having to drop everything and run to his aid. I got really exhausted doing this which of course led him to say that I didn’t care. He also disliked me leaving  to visit my parents. He constantly complained that I didn’t show him enough physical affection. I could have done better, but he is also insatiable.

I don’t know what to do. We are both in therapy but I know him and I know he doesn’t truthfully explain these scenarios- he adds a spin that favors his narrative. For instance, he has told a friend that I am “always disheveled” which is flat out false. Nobody has ever remotely suggested that I’m disheveled. But if you tell a therapist that, they’re way more likely to agree and validate that the other person should make changes. They’re not realizing it’s actually to the extent of picking out my clothes every day or the extent of his control.

On top of that, he keeps diagnosing  me with stuff and telling me what mental health issues I have based on his perception of my childhood, which he is coming up based on his own assumptions. I have confidence issues, depression and excessive anxiety according to him. I have some anxious tendencies. I am only depressed because of this situation. I don’t believe I have serious mental health issues that require psychiatry or medication, and my therapist agrees. I guess I’m venting. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if this is salvageable, but I don’t know if I can move on. Any advice?

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[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Abazaba!

Sorry to say, I can relate to much of what you wrote here. The constant crises that demand your attention. Your suspicion that he’s not giving the full, true story. The difficulties when you spend time with family. I never had to deal with the personal appearance issues, thank goodness.

From what you’ve described, it sounds like he is very controlling. It would actually fall under the category of emotional abuse.

It sounds like your pattern is towards appeasement. He complains or objects or gets upset, you soothe it give in. Do you think that’s accurate? That’s a trap I fell into and have been working hard to get out of.

It’s easy in these relationships to lose sight of ourselves. What we want. What we need. Who we are.

Boundaries are really key here. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) It’s something you may be discussing in therapy. So important to our mental and emotional health.

My husband likes to tell me “So-and-so thinks this about you and your behavior.” It used to bother me. But now, I remind myself that what matters is what I believe and how I feel. And that these people’s opinions have no bearing on my life and are likely based on faulty/biased/incomplete info anyway.

So how do things stand for the two of you right now? What are the positives in your relationship that keep you feeling tied to him?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear A-  (very long post - for you and for me... really painful things I’ve never said)

This is by far the most detailed and disturbing post you’ve made.  And painfully familiar to me.  This jars me awake to a realization that I do NOT recall ever seeing anyone else talking about this on the forum.  I don’t! 

I REALLY hope you stick with this thread and really REALLY re-read your own words and how people respond to you.  Please stay with this thread.

I’m responding because of the wave of nausea that came over me... I went through this myself... a LOT, and I don’t think these are BPD behaviors.  I don’t.  It’s something else. 

You needed a break for VERY VERY good reasons.  To me, he was exerting some very damaging pressure on you, and six years in?  Pretty much the minute you moved in with him?

My opinion is He FELT it was “safe” to take control.  He “had” you.  Very telling about your future, my friend.  Pay attention.  You will be what he tells you you will be.  You will LOOK how he tells you you will LOOK.  Soon, your hairstyle or hair colors will become his choice.  And your questions about your self-image will rise minute by minute.  You won’t know who you see in the mirror.

And the questions over who you see in the mirror... will transfer into questions about who you are... what is left of you?

When I read your post I remembered things I apparently forced myself to forget... (my disassociation) - how he made me let him blow dry my hair; model and then return some new dresses I’d rarely buy; pick out what I’d wear on the rare occasions we’d ever go out; ask why my face didn’t look “more shiny”?...  My GOD...  I can barely type this stuff...  my arms are shaking.

No , this is NOT BPD behavior.  It’s deeply narcissistic and horribly controlling.

You will see who he wants when HE wants, and to stop you, he will feign illnesses... debilitating migraines perhaps, the flu, ANYTHING to keep you from seeing your family or friends. 

You will DROP EVERYTHING to come to his rescue.  Always.  You will NOT understand how someone could be a full grown adult yet be completely unable to manage adult responsibilities- because YOU do it all - but it’s NEVER right once the “crisis” of the day has passed.  And he can turn the tables and somehow blame you and RAGE at you for the fact that his “crisis” arose in the first place.  (I did not properly form his corporation for him?  I did not properly install his tires and he got a flat?  I was NOT his realtor and did NOT properly screen his tenants?)

You will spend YOUR MONEY on him.. he is ALWAYS just this much short on cash when it’s time to contribute, but he’s got funds for what he needs (sometimes).  He will “promise” your Christmas or birthday gift is just not here yet.  Your gifts NEVER arrive, yet you are provided with HIS wish lists and MUST deliver his gifts “on time and as ordered” or there is a steep price to pay.  And therein lies MY illness.

So YES, A... he will tell you EVERYTHING that is “wrong” with you.  All the time... but he will drop in “apologies” and “l loves you’s Here and there and “if you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have...”. So you remain convinced there’s something there.  Something “real”.  Something loving.  But is there?

There’s so so much to this.

You want advice.  You’re asking for advice?  Okay.

Please open your eyes.

If you’re taking a break, then really take a break and take a good, hard look at the behaviors he exhibits.  ALL of the behaviors.  Perhaps stop communicating for a bit.

And please, please do yourself a big favor and STOP communicating with his mother.  Please believe me when I say you are NOT doing yourself any favors by talking with her.  Regardless of anything and EVERYTHING, her allegiance is to her son.  In any and all ways.  She will NOT get the truth from him.  Ever.  And you will likely NOT get the truth from her.  She has reasons to be protective.   And very likely your BF engages in a love/hate relationship with his mother..,, watch for this, my friend.  Learn about this before you decide to move forward.  What IS their relationship really like?

I admit this “mother - son thing” is a VERY TRIGGERING topic for me because I came to understand the awful concept of “covert incest” / enmeshment as it can play out in a mother/son relationship.  As it is with my recent exBF.  He MAY have stood a chance in life had his mother been a different kind of person, even with his physically abusive father.  I came to learn that my BF’s mother STILL dresses him (he’s 62).  The rest about the relationship makes my skin crawl, now that I understand... and a grand part of my exBF’s RAGES really had to do with her.  He admitted this.  His mother made herself into the “other woman”.  Real sickness.  My BF was so close to seeing this, but he could not break away.

My dear A - I know this is a LOT.  It took me years to figure out what on earth was going on here.  I became so weak and anxious and depressed.  And now that he’s gone, I feel light as a feather.

I hope I’m wrong about your situation.  I truly do.  But here’s the thing.  Forget about labels.  Look at the behaviors.  Look at his real actions toward you.   Look at his relationship with his mother.  And realize that he will NOT change the mother/son thing for you.  What I realized was the control he didn’t have with her, he tried to exert over me.  The hatred he held for her, was at times played out against me. 

When my BF was SCREAMING that his M was a “man hater”, what was he really saying?..  I don’t know.  I just know he was a very very sick man.  I don’t hate him.  Behind all that sickness, is a lovable guy who is completely unreachable.  I had to let him go.  I’ll miss him forever.  And I’ll never be able to tell him.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Abazaba]

Hi there, Abazaba!

Sorry to say, I can relate to much of what you wrote here. The constant crises that demand your attention. Your suspicion that he’s not giving the full, true story. The difficulties when you spend time with family. I never had to deal with the personal appearance issues, thank goodness.

From what you’ve described, it sounds like he is very controlling. It would actually fall under the category of emotional abuse.

It sounds like your pattern is towards appeasement. He complains or objects or gets upset, you soothe it give in. Do you think that’s accurate? That’s a trap I fell into and have been working hard to get out of.

It’s easy in these relationships to lose sight of ourselves. What we want. What we need. Who we are.

Boundaries are really key here. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) It’s something you may be discussing in therapy. So important to our mental and emotional health.

My husband likes to tell me “So-and-so thinks this about you and your behavior.” It used to bother me. But now, I remind myself that what matters is what I believe and how I feel. And that these people’s opinions have no bearing on my life and are likely based on faulty/biased/incomplete info anyway.

So how do things stand for the two of you right now? What are the positives in your relationship that keep you feeling tied to him?

Thanks for your response. Honestly, I go back and forth between appeasing him and fighting back. It’s when I fight back and speak up that things get absolutely out of control. He can’t handle it. He wants someone to nod and smile no matter what he does. When I speak up, I’m too sensitive, too demanding, and “always blaming him.” I don’t know how to not blame him when he suddenly starts in on me out of nowhere when I haven’t even done anything. I’m so frustrated. So angry. So upset. He has everyone on the edge of their seats waiting to see how he moves.

He was texting me up until Friday saying that he is still very angry at me (yes...he’s angry at ME) but that he still loves me. Then I think he had some kind of argument with his mom (who very much wants us together) and he has again cut everyone off. Sometimes I can think of a lot of reasons I want to be with him - he is so charismatic, intelligent and unique. He is adventurous and fun. Other times, I want to shake myself and ask what the heck it is I see in him. I am very confused.

[Abazaba]

Thanks so much for this. His mom is actually good about trying to maintain healthy boundaries with her, but he is very tied to her and talks to her about EVERYTHING. Since these events, he does have a love/hate relationship with her. In fact, she was finally back on his good side but he went over for dinner on the weekend. He said he loves me but was conflicted about our relationship. His mom made a few positive comments about me and he flipped out saying she was taking my side and is now refusing to talk to her again. She is painted black too now.

My therapist says this is plainly emotional abuse. I know it is in my heart. But I can’t seem to get the conviction to just move on. I keep hoping he wil have a lightbulb moment and change.

As if things weren’t bad enough, his mom just told me that he was very heavily pushed by 2 female acquaintances of his (they’re a couple). He barely knows them and has probably hung out with them a handful of times (met through work). In the past they encouraged him to break up with me (surely because he does not tell the honest truth). He cut them off a while ago bc they are simply not good people. They drink and party too much, have no goals, and one even got fired from the job for stealing. These girls apparently urged him to end the relationship, to force me to move out, and even set him up with somebody or at least tried to. So, before I had even moved out, he was likely dating one of their friends. This is after being together for 6 years. Planning an entire WEDDING...sending out invitations, spending thousands of dollars, years of memories, both families involved. And he was able to take the advice of two people who don’t even know me, and start dating someone else before my stuff was even out of the house.

And also, they apparently repeatedly texted him asking him if he made me give him my engagement ring back until he got mad and told them to mind their own business. So as if there wasn’t enough going on, I’m now furious that two girls who have never even met me apparently care so much that they want him to be vindictive and take the ring from me when we still have had no finality. As if I haven’t already endured enough emotional turmoil and pain over asking for a BREAK. He must have made me out to be completely evil, and I can only imagine what he’s said to mutual friends. How can people be so cruel? More importantly, how can he be so cruel? I am just in shock. What kind of person suggests that an engaged person who is not even officially broken up immediately start dating instead of trying to work on the relationship? What kind of people get a thrill out of ruining the life of someone they don’t even know?

 I can’t wrap my head around this. I’m so hurt. I want to scream at these girls, and I am not a screamer. I also want to scream at him. I’ve never been this angry in my life.

[Ozzie101]

I can hear your confusion and your anger. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But we can walk through it with you and try to help you achieve some clarity.

One thing that stuck out to me in your post was when you said “I keep hoping he will have a lightbulb moment and change.” I can’t tell you how many people here (including yours truly) have said it thought that very thing. But it doesn’t happen. There can be improvement but that takes a lot of time, patience and hard work. From your description, it doesn’t sound like he’s in the right place to take part in that.

My H has, for a couple of years now, made references to what other people say or think about me and our relationship. I used to get hurt and angry. Then I realized it doesn’t matter. Why? Because they might not have said or reacted the way H said they did. Or, if they did, they were getting faulty, skewed info from my H.

In a way, you’re being given a gift. He’s showing you a dark, ugly side of who he is and it’s coming before you’re tied to him by marriage and children. Some of us weren’t so lucky. What you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you. But I would urge you to think very carefully about everything you’ve seen and heard.

Read back over your posts. Imagine a relative or close friend was telling this story to you — that they were experiencing all this instead. How would you react? How would you advise him or her?

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear A-

I believe the three of us are sharing the same anger and disbelief right now.  I’d swear if we were not on an anonymous board and in the midst of a pandemic I’d make dinner, get you girls over here and hash these things out in person.  No one gets this stuff unless they’ve lived it.  No one.  I don’t talk about most of these things to anyone.  Because  WHY?  Just why bother?  No one would EVER believe me.

I am now almost 6 months out.  And the things I found out this exBF of mine “probably” said to his mother... despicable.  And the things he must have said to his sisters about me? The women who barely knew me?  Bad.  And his mother also barely knew me...

But they were always happy to receive pieces of my art.  I still don’t understand that!  Two cases in point... This past October, BF has a medical scare (not a real one), so I take him first to the urgent care clinic.  Before we even arrive, he has called his 80+ mother and his sister (unbeknownst to me at first).  Urgent care tells us we should proceed to the ER in the next few hours, but that it’s fine to stop off at home to eat dinner.

So we’re in the ER, and he tells me that he called his mother again and his mother said, and I quote “You’re with HER?, after ALL SHE’s DONE?” (REALLY Nasty tone).  I was floored.  And so hurt.  I said nothing because he was concerned to be in the ER... And his reaction was “ I cannot believe my mother is not even worried about ME!  She’s so COLD!”  I wanted to say -  “apple, meet tree”. 

Then we’re with the ER intake nurse, and he tells her something important.  I said, “I didn’t know that, honey!” And he snapped, “You’re NOT my wife!”   That was the day I decided to let my relationship begin to end.  That was also the day I decided that every intrusive move he made would be met with the calm retort of “I’m sorry, but You’re not my husband.”  Not snappy, just stating a fact.  Time to build distance.

It was a VERY conscious decision on my part.  I needed it to end.  I just didn’t know how.

Then Christmas came and he invited me to his mother’s house.  On Christmas Eve, he calls me in the morning (this part sickens me); but at this point when he wasn’t staying at mine he was living WITH his mother.  So on CE am he calls and MUST come over and “talk”.  This NEVER happens.  Ok.  He comes in.  He BEGS me “please PLEASE don’t get upset... my mother doesn’t want her Christmas ruined with you being there”. Keeping in mind he JUST had me make a piece of art for her BD in early December.  He explains that I’m “confrontational” and this has to do with a political conversation I had with some guy in either 2016 or 2017.  To me this is utter dribble.  I just have to wonder what he’s told her and why on earth he couldn’t come up with something better.  I’ve had quite a few different gatherings with that bunch of his since that brief private conversation.  And then?  She wants to send Christmas cookies to ME?  No thanks, not eating sweets (those hands have touched).  And really, she doesn’t like her son out of her sight.

Sorry.

My friend... if your BF’s mother is your ally, why on earth is SHE telling you about some random women talking about the ring and some random rumor of a date?  How would she even KNOW this stuff? 

I may be wrong, but To me it appears She’s trying to build a wedge between you and her son.  This just wreaks of unholiness. Please be careful.  Don’t bring his family into this matter, unless he’s in crisis and needs psyche attention.  This is raising your pain and you have enough to go on with his direct behaviors.

A- you CANNOT look at this like you’ve ever looked at any other situation you’ve ever faced in your life, because it’s different.  It is NOT the same!  It IS bizarre and scary.

These behaviors are NOT sane.  They are NOT NORMAL or healthy.  But you are still you.  And that’s why you question everything.  Okay?  Because you’re still okay.

I have some information  I’ll plead with you to watch.  It brought me my clarity...  DR. RAMANI  -  NARCISSISTIC  -  You tube videos.  Watch the ones where she’s alone, not with the guy.

Stay here, my friend. Share your thoughts, feelings.   We’re here and we really Do understand close to how you’re feeling.  I cried a LOT, for years.  I was afraid, I cowered in fear, I hid, I lost myself, I lied to myself, I over-appeased, I KNEW something was terribly wrong, I over-spent on his behalf, I learned ALL the tools here, I begged for help, for peace, for love, i believed that my friends DID hate me (he said so!), I isolated... I lost.  And now I’ve won.  Finally.

In the end, a real gift.  Hugs to you, A.  And to you, O.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry for the double tap-

I need to add... regarding the mother (yes, I’m VERY sensitive to this, for good reason) it doesn’t square when she says she’s got good boundaries with the son, yet he “tells her EVERYTHING”. 

A grown man does NOT tell his mother EVERYTHING.  Mine did the same and honest to GOD, had I paid mind to that the very first time I’d met her, I would have left him then.

When we were getting ready to go to dinner for me to meet her, I was trying to fix my hair and my BF kept getting in front of me in the mirror almost DESPERATELY asking if he looked okay!  I said “honey, you look lovely, your mom KNOWS what you look like!  Please let me finish so we wont be late!”  It was so weird.

First he introduced me by his ex-girlfriend’s Name.  So he had to eat crow, which he did.  Then over  dinner he shares that he TOLD his mother about when I joked with him that I’d secretly prayed he was circumcised!  I about dropped under the table!  I couldn’t believe it.  And this is a “prim” looking lady knowing way too much way too soon.  Pathetic... what adult tells this to his mother?

About a month later I learned that one of the homes he claimed HE owned, is actually his MOTHER’s home.  HER primary residence.  No Individuation.  Failure to differentiate.  I forget the difference, if any between those terms.  And then that transferred to me.  That’s another danger.

Eyes wide open.

Xox
Gems

[DiscoDave]

Hi Abazaba,

I just wanted to commend you for your courage in talking about this so openly, I have followed your thread with great interest and I think you are getting some fantastic advice here, stick with it.

I would share the opinions of others here that the treatment towards you by your partner is truly despicable, disordered personality or not, it is inexcusable.

I always dress clean, but I’m a jeans and T-shirt girl and I don’t wear makeup to go to the grocery store. He expects me to get dolled up just to go pick up some milk.

As a male here, I find that an excellent quality in a women. That shows comfort in the skin you are in, that is the way people genuinely secure in themselves should feel.

My ex would literally go through a 2.5-3 hour ritual of getting ready, whether that be a nice evening out (fair enough) or to pop to the shops (seriously!). As someone who likes to start day trips early, this was always a bone of contention, never leaving the house until at least lunchtime! So good for you!

Oh yeah, she used to dress me too at times.

He sounds like he only feels secure when he has 'trophy' girlfriend on the end of his arm, better still if she just nods and smiles and has no opinion of her own. I think you should evaluate your potential future in the cold light of day, I know from experience it's difficult when you've been wearing 'rose-tinted' glasses for so long.

[once removed]

your partner wants you to dress "sexy" for him, and wear what appeals to him.

a whole lot of guys (myself included) have fallen into this trap.

we (guys) are physical creatures. we like to see our partner in what appeals to us. and on some level (and i suspect, especially for your partner) we take it as rejection if you dont. your partner may be taking this to an extreme level.

the solution is really to draw reasonable lines. and how you do that very much depends upon the two of you. dont take on what you arent comfortable with. its good to accommodate a partner, within our boundaries. its good to say no when we simply arent comfortable.

a reasonable line to draw, for example, might be to wear these things at home. if you dont like wearing them out, dont. thats one example; embrace that your partner has the hots for you and be open minded, but dont do what you are not comfortable with.

your partner, who, again, is especially prone to feelings of rejection, may find your confidence, your sense of comfort, both attractive and threatening, and hes struggling mostly with the latter. the more you find a balance between "you do you", unapologetically (ie going to the grocery store in whatever you want) and attracting him, the more likely you are to feel your sense of confidence, and the more likely your partner is to feel placated and secure.

[Gemsforeyes]

OR - Thing is, Aba says the “sexy dressing” thing was never an issue until the last 6 months (into a 6-year relationship) and intensified during the 2 months when they moved in together.

So to me it seems like more than simply liking your GF to “look sexy for her man”.  It hurts to say that.   In addition, Aba is pretty clear that a 31-year old woman, (although in my mind still VERY young and beautiful), does not want to dress like a girl in the 17-21 age group.

Your thoughts?

Gems

[once removed]

So to me it seems like more than simply liking your GF to “look sexy for her man”.

if a man is pouting (or more) about it, it is more than that.

in the OPs case, it may be a more extreme example, but the psychology of it is pretty straight forward.

both are trying to send messages that are conflicting. whats the balance? how is that conflict resolved?

[Abazaba]

I can hear your confusion and your anger. I’m so sorry you’re
Read back over your posts. Imagine a relative or close friend was telling this story to you — that they were experiencing all this instead. How would you react? How would you advise him or her?

Honestly, if my friend or relative told me these experiences I’d tell them as fast as humanly possible. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I keep hanging on. I am so afraid to start all over again after 6 years...so I keep hoping for therapy or for this or that to create meaningful change.

[Abazaba]

A- you CANNOT look at this like you’ve ever looked at any other situation you’ve ever faced in your life, because it’s different.  It is NOT the same!  It IS bizarre and scary.

These behaviors are NOT sane.  They are NOT NORMAL or healthy.  But you are still you.  And that’s why you question everything.  Okay?  Because you’re still okay.

I have some information  I’ll plead with you to watch.  It brought me my clarity...  DR. RAMANI  -  NARCISSISTIC  -  You tube videos.  Watch the ones where she’s alone, not with the guy.

Stay here, my friend. Share your thoughts, feelings.   We’re here and we really Do understand close to how you’re feeling.  I cried a LOT, for years.  I was afraid, I cowered in fear, I hid, I lost myself, I lied to myself, I over-appeased, I KNEW something was terribly wrong, I over-spent on his behalf, I learned ALL the tools here, I begged for help, for peace, for love, i believed that my friends DID hate me (he said so!), I isolated... I lost.  And now I’ve won.  Finally.

In the end, a real gift.  Hugs to you, A.  And to you, O.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thank you so much. I know this stuff is not normal. But for some reason the idea of leaving absolutely terrifies me.

He called me today to “talk about the relationship,” and I am 100% blamed for it all. In fact, he says he was an incredible partner and I simply kept demanding more and more, was never satisfied, and he is tired of making all the changes in the relationship and working on himself while I do nothing to work on myself. The problem is that “working on myself” is 1) showing him more physical affection. It’s incredibly difficult o have the motivation to be physical affectionate with someone who is raging, difficult to talk to, unpredictable, explosive, has hypochondriac tendencies, talks over me, and tells me I don’t dress well enough for him. 2) Being belittled and criticized for how I dress almost daily also does not encourage me to want to hug or kiss him.  Of course he doesn’t understand this. He says I am cold and distant but sees none of his part in creating that distance.

So now it’s all about what I can change/do for HIM to consider taking me back. I am at a total loss. He always would come around eventually and apologize and at least make some effort to make change. Not this time. This time I am absolutely evil.

[Abazaba]

your partner wants you to dress "sexy" for him, and wear what appeals to him.

a whole lot of guys (myself included) have fallen into this trap.

we (guys) are physical creatures. we like to see our partner in what appeals to us. and on some level (and i suspect, especially for your partner) we take it as rejection if you dont. your partner may be taking this to an extreme level.

the solution is really to draw reasonable lines. and how you do that very much depends upon the two of you. dont take on what you arent comfortable with. its good to accommodate a partner, within our boundaries. its good to say no when we simply arent comfortable.

a reasonable line to draw, for example, might be to wear these things at home. if you dont like wearing them out, dont. thats one example; embrace that your partner has the hots for you and be open minded, but dont do what you are not comfortable with.

your partner, who, again, is especially prone to feelings of rejection, may find your confidence, your sense of comfort, both attractive and threatening, and hes struggling mostly with the latter. the more you find a balance between "you do you", unapologetically (ie going to the grocery store in whatever you want) and attracting him, the more likely you are to feel your sense of confidence, and the more likely your partner is to feel placated and secure.

I have tried to strike a balance. The problem is that balance is really difficult with him. If he says wear x, I either wear it or it’s a fight. If I say not today, or I don’t like that - fight. If I say I’m too cold to wear something - easy, he is not cold - so therefore I am not cold. Fight.

If I wear something that I want to wear that he doesn’t like - fight. We went on a hike in 30 degree weather. He absolutely insisted I wear a crop top and really thin cropped hoodie that he finds fashionable. I tried my heart out to explain that having my stomach exposed in 30 degrees is not what I want to do. To him I am being difficult and making excuses.  After much fighting, I wore the crop top. However, I opted for a weather appropriate puffy winter jacket. Because it was 30 degrees and I get cold really easily. Again, he insisted that he was not cold. Of course, that means I (because I’m not a separately functioning human being) can’t be cold. Fight.

In my honest opinion, he wants full control of my clothes. It’s like I’m a mannequin and should just nod and smile about anything and everything he wants.  He even told me today that I am unreasonable because I should have just said “ok fine I’ll do what you want,” and that I’m unreasonable because I want to get my way with my clothes “80% of the time.” Why wouldn’t a person want control over what they put on at least 80% of the time? How am I unreasoned for expecting autonomy over my dress?

I’m sorry, I am more venting out of anger. I do not mean to imply that you believe I should be doing these things (I know that is not the case on this forum). Thanks for your response.

[Abazaba]

Oh, he also says he’s made so many changes and I’ve made none. I know we are supposed to say that it’s 50/50 in relationships, but I honestly don’t feel that this is the case. I have made mistakes. I’ve done things I regret. However, I do genuinely believe that 90% of our arguments if not more, are directly caused or instigated by him.

So yes, most of the time the focus has been on him making changes. Maybe that is my fault in this.

[once removed]

But for some reason the idea of leaving absolutely terrifies me.
...
It’s incredibly difficult o have the motivation to be physical affectionate with someone who is raging, difficult to talk to, unpredictable, explosive, has hypochondriac tendencies, talks over me, and tells me I don’t dress well enough for him.
...
He says I am cold and distant but sees none of his part in creating that distance.
...
However, I do genuinely believe that 90% of our arguments if not more, are directly caused or instigated by him.

these are important things to recognize. they are key, really, in understanding where things are and how they got there.

on paper, in a cold and clinical sense, the two of you have significant unresolved conflict.

if the two of you cant resolve that impasse, and learn to resolve conflict in a healthier way, and/or at all, things will deteriorate, something will give, and the relationship will, eventually, come to an end.

relationships break down in stages. it would be a good idea to have a look at this and get a sense for what stage youre in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

so what can you do about it?

change what youre doing, dramatically. the status quo isnt sustainable.

at the same time, the relationship itself may not be either. not all conflict is resolvable. not all relationships are saveable. there may be fundamental incompatibilities.

furthermore, changing what youre doing for the better is no guarantee at all. lots of relationships dont survive that kind of change.

breaking up is hard, but what motivates each of us to stay can vary from healthy or practical reasons to reasons that can hurt us, hurt the relationship.

examine these things carefully. think of it this way: youre on a sinking ship. its going to take a great deal to get the water out of that boat, and not just to patch it up, but to rebuild it stronger than before; the alternatives are to stay on a sinking ship, or jump ship. are you prepared for the serious undertaking required to salvage this, knowing there are no guarantees?

[Abazaba]

I have an update. I’ve been in therapy for 2 months but I don’t feel it’s made any difference in my resolve or ability to decide whether I should stay in the relationship or leave.

My fiancé went from days of just the most terrible hateful comments hurled at me, insults etc...to total mental breakdown. He was completely dissociated (his mother called and told me) and losing sight of reality. He blames me 10000% for every single thing and says if we reconcile, I will need to make big changes. He even went so far to say that he “wants me to take care of him 24/7.” I don’t know if this is just him coming out of the fog of his break with reality, or what. His hypochondria is at an all time high and he is calling me constantly to tell me about every bump or bruise. He is telling me that I need to learn to not take his anger personally, because then he feels guilty and it makes things worse. I don’t know how to not take being called names personally, or how to have no reaction when rage is hurled at me and I wasn’t even involved in what set him off. I don’t know how to constantly endlessly provide reassurance over cuts and scrapes and perceived illnesses.

I also feel like there are a lot of good qualities about him and the idea of walking away from my fiancé seems next to impossible.

I am terrified because I still don’t know what to do. He fired his therapist (who admittedly was not experienced with borderline and made him significantly worse). However, I don’t know if he’s started with DBT. He also keeps saying he wants to move back in together in a couple weeks. I am afraid if I say no, it will be perceived as another rejection and he may actually end his life or completely break down again. I am afraid if I go back, it will be the same all over again. I am so lost and hopeless.

[once removed]

you love a deeply, deeply needy person.

one of the biggest challenges in these relationships is separating what your needs are, what your partners needs are, and what the relationship needs are.

in the midst of anxiety, thats hard to get a hold of, i know.

Each and every time, I did the best I could to reassure him that he is ok. I was feeling sick myself today and busy with work. So, the last time I guess I didn't sound enthusiastic and he said "see you don't even care, you sound so burdened and uninterested"

i have a loved one that loves to complain, but resists any advice i give. so, i dont go down the rabbit hole of giving advice; that only frustrates both of us.

of course you sound burdened and uninterested. youre listening to a chronic complainer, youre on pins and needles, you have no idea what to say, and youre searching for whatever will make the situation go away. and when inevitably, that doesnt work, he wants proof that you care, and blocking you will do the trick.

and it works, so he does it again.

I don’t know how to constantly endlessly provide reassurance over cuts and scrapes and perceived illnesses.

dont; seriously. how does anyone constantly endlessly provide reassurance?

im not usually this blunt, but you are essentially playing the role of doormat in this relationship (walking on eggshells), and i say that because its a fast track to being completely run over. youre at his mercy.

in order for this relationship to work, or, for that matter, in order to extricate yourself from it, you are going to have to find your confidence, your self esteem, your sense of self, and your independence.

as simple as i make that sound, i know the fear holding you back from doing so. you dont want to rock the boat. youre afraid of his reactions. youre afraid hed dump you. youre afraid of the possibilities, the regrets. these are reasonable fears, likely even.

and what im trying to get across here, is that that trajectory is unsustainable, and things will only get worse. change is hard. you will experience push back. with some faith, you will find that the push back is not the end of the world; that you can thrive in spite of it...that ultimately, though hard, it will improve your situation.

I’ve been in therapy for 2 months but I don’t feel it’s made any difference in my resolve or ability to decide whether I should stay in the relationship or leave.

two months is a long time. how have your sessions gone, what have they been like? what is your therapists take?