Healthy away from loving pwBPD

[Coach T]

Wow. Let me start by saying that I have read a lot on this site and I am amazed at the knowledge and compassion for both the people suffering and the people who are in or are leaving relationships where BPD is present.

My question is simple:

How can I distance and separate for my pwBPD doing the least amount of damage to her and and be healthy for me?

Here is my story:

I have dated 2 women with BPD and interestingly, they were back to back relationships...what are the odds? My first was a wonderful, highly functional woman who was candid and honest with me about the disorder without labeling it as BPD at the time (she has since talked with me about her being BPD). She alluded to the darkness inside and told me that she would never be able to have a healthy, normal relationship with me. She went through DBT treatment, was aware of her dysfunction, and I never felt that she was dishonest in our time together. It was tremendously fun and because she set some ground rules up front, we had some fun and laughs together without to much in the way of commitment to each other. For a while this worked and I enjoyed the fun side with only a few minor rifts along the way. Eventually though, I realized that as fun as it was, I wanted a relationship that had an emotional connection. and I decided to end the relationship. It was difficult/tough on both of us, but was the right thing to do. Interestingly, when I figured out my 2 pwBPD had the same disorder, I called my first to ask some questions and she open and candid about what happened in her life before treatment, the treatment itself, and how her life has been since.

After ending the relationship, I decided to begin dating again. I sent a MATCH message to an attractive woman and she replied and our date was set to meet for burgers. Interesting that we connected when she asked what the last woman I dated was like and I told her about the BPD. She told me that she had dated a NPD and we were off to the races.

Most of you know the story...the beginning was amazing, fulfilling, magical, and met all of the needs I had for an emotional and intimate connection...less that 2 months into our dating, she had a random moment of rage that spewed the foulest and most damaging commentary on my perceived faults and then gave me the silent treatment; this led me to leave her. She came back to me with don't ever leave me. And...of course I did. Some of you would ask how I did not recognize the pattern starting, but my first BPD did not act like this and I ignored other signs that things were not right...her actions always had a reason: it was always due to COVID or the challenges of running a farm or only being able to pay bills month to month. Always assigning blame and taking no responsibility for anything became the pattern and she continuously played the victim. Over time, I saw the OCD behaviors of her rigid scheduling, sleeping, diet, cleanliness, and her patterns to relieve stress including a nightly soak bath, phone video games, and  binge watching tv. I saw control issues. I saw jealousy when there was no reason for it. I also saw her drink a little to much one night and after I put her to bed, she  said to me "you are to good for me, I don't deserve you, and I am no good." It may have been the realest moment in retrospect of our relationship as it gave me a look into her real thoughts. An hour later, she tried to get up and leave my place and I did not understand it at the time.

I have seen a counsellor regarding my first relationship with a BPD and continued to see her during the later part of my relationship with the second. As I told her about the things happening from month 4 on month 6, we eventually both came to the conclusion that I was dating a second BPD. She asked me the question of why I attract emotionally unavailable woman and I truthfully told her that my pwBPD was emotionally available when we met and slowly took that away during the course of our dating (always blaming the current situation on why she was becoming distant. I will continue to ponder this question and deal with it through counselling.

At the beginning of July, after an intimate and loving evening, she woke up in a foul mood, proceeded to show negativity at everything happening, and eventually exploding on me for asking 2 questions about respect and understanding. Her comment was if I didn't like it, leave. I told her I didn't like and packed my things and left. As I was leaving, she punched me in my chest twice (first/only time she ever hit me).

Since that time there have been many stupid choices on my part (contacting her ex husband to find out if the pattern was the same), discussing the conclusion with her that it is possible she has some of the traits of BPD...this led to her telling me that now I was diagnosing her with BPD.

Interesting fact: she came back the next morning at 5:20 AM with a text stating, "I have been up all night. I have read many, many articles about BPD. I am conflicted. There are definitely traits that I see in myself but there are also traits that I don't have. Maybe I have just learned to control those. Based on the tests, I do have enough factors to be identified with BPD. The biggest portion that I identify with is the lack of a gray area between good and bad." Of course this gave me hope that she may seek treatment...unfortunately, that was/is not the case. She did send me some links to articles she had read and I encouraged her to continue to explore the disorder.

I am in a place now where I understand as much as I can about BPD, I understand that her lack of desire to get treatment, and my personal mental health going forward is at risk if I continue, so I need help separating from this woman because she is continually coming at me and  wants to continue as friends. Most of my reading says that this is unlikely and it would be best to leave completely. I would like to do so as compassionately and gently as possible.

Thank you for letting me share and I appreciate your responses.

[Lucky Jim]

My question is simple:
How can I distance and separate for my pwBPD doing the least amount of damage to her and and be healthy for me?

Hey Coach, My answer is simple: do what you think is right for yourself, without worrying too much about your pwBPD.  No matter what you do, there's bound to be drama, so be prepared.

I have a question for you:  why do you think you dated two women with BPD back-to-back?  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?  If you can figure out the pattern, you are in a better position to change it.

LuckyJim

[Rev]

Wow. Let me start by saying that I have read a lot on this site and I am amazed at the knowledge and compassion for both the people suffering and the people who are in or are leaving relationships where BPD is present.

My question is simple:

How can I distance and separate for my pwBPD doing the least amount of damage to her and and be healthy for me?

Echoing what Lucky Jim said. 


You've tried to "reason" with her in the past, I am sure. It has ended up with typical things like gaslighting, silent treatments, denial, drama. Yes?

Einstein said you can't solve a problem with the same logic that created it in the first place. And these kinds of r/s defy logic in the common sense of the word.  There isn't a better mousetrap. There's just what you need for you - as quickly and as cleanly as you can. Note the words "as you can" - you go at your pace.

It may sound harsh, but in the end, it's the most compassionate thing you can do. It may sound backwards, but so are r/s's with pwBPD.

And then you get on with the business of going - on step at a time until you get some emotional distance - and then yes, start looking at you FOO.

Reach out. You're right. This is a good place.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

Einstein said you can't solve a problem with the same logic that created it in the first place. And these kinds of r/s defy logic in the common sense of the word.  There isn't a better mousetrap. There's just what you need for you - as quickly and as cleanly as you can. Note the words "as you can" - you go at your pace.

It may sound harsh, but in the end, it's the most compassionate thing you can do. It may sound backwards, but so are r/s's with pwBPD.

And then you get on with the business of going - on step at a time until you get some emotional distance - and then yes, start looking at you FOO.

Nicely said, Rev!  Right, sometimes doing the harsh thing is the most compassionate thing.  Time to move on, Coach, at your own pace.

LuckyJim

[Coach T]

Lucky Jim and Rev,

Thank you for the advice and it is what I am working towards now. As much reading as I have done, I do not know what the acronym for FOO means or the r/s's.

As for dating 2 women back to back with BPD, I have asked my counsellor this very question and will likely talk about it again tomorrow morning as I work on my ending an unhealthy relationship. I would like to figure out the pattern as it seems unlikely that it was just bad luck. She talked about maybe trying to step up for my mom when she went through divorce from my dad, but I felt like we had a fairly normal mother son relationship. I would love more direct insight if you have it though as I have gone through this in my mind and am drawing a blank.

I feel blessed to have a core group of men in my life that I can talk with about the things that have bothered me with both relationships and their advice and support has been tremendous in helping me to separate an unhealthy relationship. I also appreciate you men taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences in exiting a BPD relationship.

Thank you and I am looking forward to your response. Coach T

[Rev]

Lucky Jim and Rev,

Thank you for the advice and it is what I am working towards now. As much reading as I have done, I do not know what the acronym for FOO means or the r/s's.

As for dating 2 women back to back with BPD, I have asked my counsellor this very question and will likely talk about it again tomorrow morning as I work on my ending an unhealthy relationship. I would like to figure out the pattern as it seems unlikely that it was just bad luck. She talked about maybe trying to step up for my mom when she went through divorce from my dad, but I felt like we had a fairly normal mother son relationship. I would love more direct insight if you have it though as I have gone through this in my mind and am drawing a blank.

I feel blessed to have a core group of men in my life that I can talk with about the things that have bothered me with both relationships and their advice and support has been tremendous in helping me to separate an unhealthy relationship. I also appreciate you men taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences in exiting a BPD relationship.

Thank you and I am looking forward to your response. Coach T

Hey Coach T

FOO - Family of origin

r/s - relationship.

If there is one thing I could hold in prayer for you, what would it be.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

Rev

[once removed]

why I attract emotionally unavailable woman

one of the most helpful things said to me in my recovery process was to look at it not as what i attracted, but what i was attracted to. i might attract charles manson in female form, and i might attract dave grohl in female form. if im a self confident dude, secure in myself, im going to ideally attract lots of different types, and not be able to help that. but who do i ultimately end up with, and why?

the beginning was amazing, fulfilling, magical, and met all of the needs I had for an emotional and intimate connection...less that 2 months into our dating, she had a random moment of rage that spewed the foulest and most damaging commentary on my perceived faults and then gave me the silent treatment; this led me to leave her.

in my case, it had a lot to do with what my needs were, how i was meeting them or having them met, and my ideas of what a healthy and fulfilling relationship look like (that was pretty humbling. i always thought i knew what a healthy relationship looked like on paper). i like to think those things have evolved. im attracted to lots of things...what i gravitate to and connect with has changed.

what do you think?

[Coach T]

Again to you both, thank you so much for the kind encouragement.

Fo prayer, I would appreciate a prayer of peace about my decision to move on and the courage to just completely let it go. Thank  you for the acronyms.

As far as what I was attracted to, I guess the fact that she liked to do the things that I do and seemed to just fit right into my lifestyle while also having her own life. She is a beautiful woman, amazing and adventurous in bed, intelligent, just quirky enough to be interesting but wasn't over the top, and for the most part, fun to be with because she was up for doing almost anything. As you know, over time, these appealing traits turned to distance, coldness, sharpness, and the behaviors that typically represent pw BPD. I feel lucky to have seen it 6 months in due to us being together so much because of COVID. So maybe the blessing is that COVID saved me years of difficulty by forcing us together so much.

Thank you again for your compassion, Coach T

[daze507]

It's great that you seem to have realised the woman you knew in the beginning was not her, it took me a long time to realise and accept that. I think the sooner you do, the faster you will detach. They can be so convincing when is "BPD mating mode", due to a ton of experience I guess.