I just felt like I got mind-warped over dinner.

[HonoSunshine]

Hi! This is my first time here. I thought I would post to get some perspective. I believe my sister BP. We haven’t spoken in about 1 year. Last night I went into the evening w an open mind. It was out fist dinner alone. It was pleasant until she shared what was all my fault over the past 4 years. It felt one-sided, because it was 1) being in relationship w my dad and stepmom (who she is estranged), 2) how I don’t give in to her needs and say no and have boundaries, 3) how I have anger issues (We fought when we were younger but not as adults) 4) she accused me of hating her, which I don’t.. But I thought I would just apologize and apologize hoping to end the rift of not talking.

Before we left I asked if she had anything else and she said yes, I just can’t think of it all at the moment but I will get back to you. After I got in my car I felt slimmed. Usually, in conflict I experience a feeling of empathy and care and connection. Like we both want to work on things together. However, this interaction was one sided. I just noticed how I felt in the car, like a horrible person.

My question is, how should I relate to a potential BP sibling. I didn’t get into her stealing credit cards from my parents, and her clients, nor lying and cheating towards all her partners) because that was 8 years ago and I just want to move on.

Is it best to keep apologizing to just keep the peace. I just felt like I got mind-warped over dinner.

I really want to have boundaries with her, so we can be at family things together, but I’m not sure if I should even engage. I’m exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

[curious quandary]

Hi Honosunshine. Welcome!

Yes mind warping happens.

You shouldn't have to apologize for things you didn't do. I'm still new to this and not skilled with difficult conversations at all yet, but from what I've learned is sometimes just validating their feelings helps calm things down. You're not telling them that the reasons they feel a certain way are correct (or aren't). You're letting them know you're listening.

There are a ton of resources on this site. I'm just starting to sift through it all. The workshops are very helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

However, this interaction was one sided. I just noticed how I felt in the car, like a horrible person.

Yup, I get it. That's how it feels to me too sometimes. I feel steamrolled, guilty, anxious, and just downright crummy. Remind yourself that you are a good person. You should trust yourself on this. 

[Ouch9999]

That's how I feel a lot with my BPD sister. And I'm starting to realize that she's conditioned me to believe that I am a horrible person, and cold-hearted because I have boundaries. Even when she's not around or weighing in on a situation, I just hear her judging me in my head. 
I started to realize that she is the only person in my life who I feel this way with. I feel good about myself with everyone else, so it's her. I've seen other people post that it helps to "have permission" to stand up for yourself, and to remember that your feelings count as much as hers. So if it felt one-sided, I think that's an indicator that your needs aren't being met?
I'm still new at this, but just know that you're not alone!