No contact has been the way out for me

[ateu]

Hi all!

Just writing this to give some hope for those of you who are still struggling. It has  now been 1 1/2 year since I last spoke to my ex with BPD and I am so relieved I am getting back to myself.

I was staying out of guilt for a long time and we had off and on break ups before. But this final time he had again mistreated me. When I stood up for myself he wrote to me "just go...leave  and never come back!" He had been saying things like this before but I always came back when he manipulated me to do so. Not this time.

I am not saying it has been easy but with every day that passed my heart got lighter. He tried to contact me. He made common friends write to me and demanded screen shots of my answers. He treathened to hack my social media. He treathened to just show up at my door (we dont live in same town anymore). Then I heard after a month he had got a new girl living with him. But he still contacted people asking them to make me give him money...he even wrote messages to me from his new gf account.

I didnt answer anything. Not one thing. I was very anxious in the beginning and when he (through mutual friends threatened to come) I left home for couple of days.

But I havent answered and I am finally feeling free. I know maybe he will try again to contact me but I feel stronger for every day. I have a new relationship with someone who actually cares for me and the difference is huge. Why I ever put up with his drama and hurtful behavoir is beyond me. But I felt I wasnt worth anything else and I wanted to help him.

I heard from mutual friends that he lives off his gf and makes her do all housework. He made her loose dangerous amount of weight and start doing drugs. When our friend had visited them she was crying in another room and he didnt even check on her.

I feel so bad for the new one and I am so relieved I am out. And there is a way out.

For me it somehow worked when even his friends said to me "seriously, it is time to think of yourself in the first place". I started putting myself first and by doing that I have a lot more care and love to give to people who deserve it.

I know many of you are not in a position to go no contact and there are many different and difficult situations. But if you have the possibility, please think of yourself first. The life after BPD is much better! And it is mine finally!

I havent been here in long because I wanted to disconnect with all that had to do with BPD for a while. But somehow I just want to say that there is a way out! Sending lots of love and support to all and wish you will find your way to feel as free as I finally do now!

[Football2000]

I am SO glad to hear about your success! You know what, I'm in the early phases of no contact. It is really hard and I cry all the time...but one thing is true, even though I am devastated the stress drama that used to be in my life is no longer there. So while I have a lot of anxiety and traumatic memories about what happened (like endless rage), another part of me is relieved not to have the constant new stress.

I am hoping it gets better for me too.

[ateu]

I am SO glad to hear about your success! You know what, I'm in the early phases of no contact. It is really hard and I cry all the time...but one thing is true, even though I am devastated the stress drama that used to be in my life is no longer there. So while I have a lot of anxiety and traumatic memories about what happened (like endless rage), another part of me is relieved not to have the constant new stress.

I am hoping it gets better for me too.

I know it is hard but if you know in your hear that the rs has to end, stay strong! Early Days were the hardest for me too! I slipped once and accepted his friend request but while doing so i had a very bad feeling in my stomache. He didnt write anything immediately and before night was over I decided to block him.

It is hard. I also cried and wondered if I did the right thing. It felt like I abandonded someone who needed me, no matter he was mistreating me.

It gets easier! Now I realise from time to time I havent thought of him for a while at all and it is a great feeling not having to deal with his mess.

I also felt rage in early days because I felt discreadited and blamed even though I did nothing but try to help him for years. With time it gets easier not to have closure, in a way you find closure within yourself, by getting yourself back to normal state. My stress levels are down since and I no longer feel guilty.

It is possible and let time do its work. You will heal!

[risingup4]

I wholeheartedly agree with ateu. No contact (NC) is the ONLY way to go. I've been NC for over three years and my life is the best it has ever been. Sure, the first several months of processing what in the hell just happened were the toughest - but I also learned so much about myself.

The key for me was in uncovering the reasons why I brought this person into my life in the first place and what lessons I needed to learn. While I feel I've healed from the experience and the tie-ins to childhood trauma, I find myself coming back to this forum every once in awhile a great way to reconnect with others on a similar journey, and also to get a deeper understanding of this phenomenon (I just finished writing a novel about my "adventure" with a BPD).

I sometimes see posts from people about how they have to have the ex BPD partner in their life for kids, etc. I would gently challenge that notion. Part of my journey has been attracting others into my life who have suffered under these relationships and the ones with kids have experienced much less drama by passing all communication through an attorney, etc. Maybe that's not affordable for many people, but it seemed to make life much more manageable not having to communicate with a toxic person. So, something to consider. Of course, dealing with a toxic person is good practice for trying out all of those ways of communicating and navigating that great books like Stop Walking on Eggshells talk about. In my case, I just don't have it in me and am just better off setting NC boundaries and sticking to them. A little advice: it helps never checking their social media, googling them, or keeping a single reminder of that person around (I burned everything).

Anyway, I am so glad this forum is still going strong. It helped me realize so much when I found it over three years ago. While I am almost grateful for the experience I had with the BPD to learn more about myself and to become the strong and healthy person I was meant to be (we all have it in us!), I am definitely grateful for this forum and its fellow travelers for healing.

In Solidarity!

Rising Up (incidentially, the title of the novel - which I hope to publish soon!)