Emotional blackmail

[ladygrace]

Hi guys

I was wondering if a pwBPD Will imply or insinuate they will or want to take their life as a form of emotional manipulation?
I have codependent traits and find it hard to not give in and rescue when my SO talks like this.

This is all very new to me and not up on the stunts they pull to get their own way. Does this sound familiar to anyone or should I be Notifying someone of this kind of talk?

I feel if I go running he will use this tactic to control me.

It’s so hard to know as he’s genuinely a loving and thoughtful person, well until I want to do my own thing. .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

While their behavior can often feel manipulative, it's important to clarify that pwBPD are not necessarily acting with malicious intent. They exhibit desperate, unskilled behaviors in an effort to get emotional needs met.

Threatening suicide or self-harm is common in pwBPD. It's a symptom that is worth understanding and should be taken seriously.

Check out this workshop and let me know your thoughts!
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0;all

[ladygrace]

Thank you so much for getting back to me.

I had a look at the link which has helped me Believe that he may possibly be Telling me he has had thoughts of doing it but says he will not act on those thoughts.

I said I will notify someone in his family although I haven’t met them yet. He begged me not to tell them.

I personally feel a lot of it is for effect but he could possible act on it. He has in the past before I met him.

I am so drained from it I have had to end it since I wrote the post. Unfortunately I’m not emotionally strong enough to deal with all this. I feel like I’ve failed because I can’t separate the carer/lover that I adopted for myself. The neediness has become too unattractive.

I do feel guilty and very sad but I was just as sad with him. I hope I’ve made the right choice.

Thank you again for making the effort to reply.

[pursuingJoy]

ladygrace, many here are dealing with the same. Equipping yourself as you are with understanding and tools will help to steady you.  Your instincts sound pretty solid. 

This is a lot for you. Do you have a good support system?

[Harri]

Hi ladygrace, how's it going?

I want to join pursuingjoy in talking a bit about SI though I know you have broken things off.  Usually there is at least a degree of seriousness in suicidal talk.

One of the things that I find helpful to remember is that suicidal behavior can be used as a maladaptive problem solving behavior where suicide is not the original problem but rather the solution to the problem.  Another way suicide can be used is a way to express how much pain the person is in if they do not have adequate words to express their pain otherwise.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and as such it is more about skill deficits where they can be helped by acquiring new skills (in therapy).   Therapy and intervention often involves teaching pwBPD new skills so they can slow down the emotions and think through problems or so they can develop a vocabulary and emotional awareness to be able to express their emotions in more healthy ways.

I am not saying it is up to you to do the above though.  What we can do is talk with the person, offer to get them help in a non-threatening way.  (see the link pursuingjoy gave)

One way of dealing with the SI talk is to say "I really care about you and I want to help.  I am not equipped to deal with this though and I want you to get help from people who are.  Do you want a ride to the hospital or do you want me to call an ambulance?"  Give them an either or option without mentioning a do nothing option.

anyway, I figured I would mention that for you and for anyone reading this. 

Has he tried to contact you since you broke things off?

[ladygrace]

Hi

Thank you for sharing that with me. I shall look at the link.
I tried to stick with my decision but he kept texting, pleading and begging for another chance.

 I said I need to work on myself to heal some of my old habits. I bought codependency no more book and stop walking on egg shells.
I feel like I’ve opened up Pandora’s box

I have friends and family but nobody understands BPD.

I felt I should give him another chance. He promised a great future and blamed himself for current conflict.

I started to feel I got my old love back but he flipped out again today. I’m feeling worn down again and I’ve not even seen him since I ended it.

I have suggested calling his support network or family members but he begs me not too. He’s threatening to admit himself to hospital and a part of me wants to pack his bag and drive him.

He’s already throwing everything back in my face. He said you should be able to rely on your partner 100% for everything.

Is this right? Am I being mean by saying I can’t do something. He makes me so angry. I’m feeling sick and exhausted just from a 5 minute phone call.

I was so close to getting free and I got sucked in with his Bull.

[pursuingJoy]

I have friends and family but nobody understands BPD.

This is why a lot of us talk here and in therapy. If you haven't dealt with and studied BPD, it's hard to understand what's going on.

I felt I should give him another chance. He promised a great future and blamed himself for current conflict.

I started to feel I got my old love back but he flipped out again today. I’m feeling worn down again and I’ve not even seen him since I ended it.

This is classic push/pull, pretty characteristic. You've seen it before and you'll see it again. Hang in there.

He’s already throwing everything back in my face. He said you should be able to rely on your partner 100% for everything.

I firmly disagree. Even in marriage, you need boundaries. No person should be made to feel responsible for meeting all of your needs...that's a huge weight to carry.

Is this right? Am I being mean by saying I can’t do something. He makes me so angry. I’m feeling sick and exhausted just from a 5 minute phone call.

I was so close to getting free and I got sucked in with his Bull.

It is not mean to say you can't do something. Setting boundaries should be a part of any healthy relationship. By nature, pwBPD do not have boundaries so it feels offensive when others set them. That's to be expected, no surprises. Just because he's offended doesn't mean you should give in or go along. You've got this. Trust your instincts.   

You love him so what you're feeling and doing is very normal - we give loved ones another chance. Listen to your body, tense muscles, a sick feeling, exhaustion. What emotions are behind all of that? Think about them, identify them, and feel them. Think about what you can control. Think about what you want and what you can handle. He's shown you who he is, good and bad. How are you? What do you need? If it's overwhelming to think about your future, just focus on what you need today.

[ladygrace]

Thank  you pursuing joy for taking the time to write all that. I really appreciate it.

Oh boy has it only been 10 days since my last off load.

Today I went to collect my things from his Place.

Last night He made me choose between him and my friends. All covid related of course.

That tipped me over the edge so I chose my friends who never make me feel miserable.

My body has been saying get the hell out for 3 months but there was always something that kept me hooked in. Normally guilt that he won’t cope alone.

 There’s been a couple more threats of suicidal innuendos. Lots of self pity, lots  of guilt and doom and gloom.

I think if I stay I will end up saying something really damaging.

This time he ended it. I saw my escape route and took it.

I feel sad as we had a nice time on my birthday but he started acting out when I said my friend want to give me gifts. He even ruined my family time by sending guilt texts all night. He’s in his 50s he acts like he’s 10.

He’s chose to shield from everyone but I haven’t. I’m back at work and following gov guidelines.

I think I need to stick to my guns. I’ve had a gut full of controlling partners. I deserve a happy life. I’m a good person.

Thank you for listening. I’m glad I found someone who understands x