Shame and guilt/sex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have this episode I can't get out of my head. When I first started dating my ex, who has BPD. He basically moved in from the start and lived in my place. So, in the beginning he wanted to know everything about my past sexual experiences. Which I found to be very confusing and kind of weird. Then he would force me to tell him about these experiences I've had with other people, while he's masturbating. I was begging him to please leave me alone, or go. But this person I hardly knew was going bananas in my room, refusing to leave and treating me if I don't do as he please. So I gave in. And did what I was told to calm him down.

Fast forward to a month or so later, he's raging at me because all the stories I have is in a bed. And I open up to him about an assault that happened to me when I was younger. I'm 21 at the time this happens. So when I was 18, I was drunk in the city at a gay bar. And two older men grabs me and want to talk to me outside. I don't remember too much, because I had been drinking. But they are asking me for sexual favours, and I tell them politely no and then I go back to the bar. Later that night those men grabbed me and wouldn't take no for an answer. And they take me in an alley, and pull off my pants. I always kind of blamed myself for being drunk/not running or fighting them. I just kind of was frighted and didn't know what to do. So they sexually assault me, and yeah.. kinda does things with my genitalia. And run off when they hear someone close-by. To me this just felt horrible and nasty.

When I told him about this, I expected empathy and sympathy from the person that tells me that they love me. And that this masturbation circus will stop. But hell no, I was wrong. This was his absolute favourite story.

So of course he forces me to retell it. And he is yet again way more bananas than before. And I just want to feel safe, and I want him to stop. So I'm forced to retell my sexual-assault story to my boyfriend, while he is enjoying this, masturbating. I later realize that he has this crazy rape-fetish. And I remember him moaning when I told how I told those two men "no".

It took me over 2 years to open up to someone about this. Because I felt ashamed, and nasty for actually letting this happen to me. And I've blamed myself for not beating him up or call for help or running. And I have such a hard time forgiving this. And I just feel so violated and disgusting. But I guess I want to forgive, because that's the type of person I am. But I just can't.. I try to separate him from these kind of episodes. But it just feels impossible.

Is this something I just should get over with? Or do I have the right to be furious?

[Mr.Fly]

I have this episode I can't get out of my head. When I first started dating my ex, who has BPD. He basically moved in from the start and lived in my place. So, in the beginning he wanted to know everything about my past sexual experiences. Which I found to be very confusing and kind of weird. Then he would force me to tell him about these experiences I've had with other people, while he's masturbating. I was begging him to please leave me alone, or go. But this person I hardly knew was going bananas in my room, refusing to leave and treating me if I don't do as he please. So I gave in. And did what I was told to calm him down.

Fast forward to a month or so later, he's raging at me because all the stories I have is in a bed. And I open up to him about an assault that happened to me when I was younger. I'm 21 at the time this happens. So when I was 18, I was drunk in the city at a gay bar. And two older men grabs me and want to talk to me outside. I don't remember too much, because I had been drinking. But they are asking me for sexual favours, and I tell them politely no and then I go back to the bar. Later that night those men grabbed me and wouldn't take no for an answer. And they take me in an alley, and pull off my pants. I always kind of blamed myself for being drunk/not running or fighting them. I just kind of was frighted and didn't know what to do. So they sexually assault me, and yeah.. kinda does things with my genitalia. And run off when they hear someone close-by. To me this just felt horrible and nasty.

When I told him about this, I expected empathy and sympathy from the person that tells me that they love me. And that this masturbation circus will stop. But hell no, I was wrong. This was his absolute favourite story.

So of course he forces me to retell it. And he is yet again way more bananas than before. And I just want to feel safe, and I want him to stop. So I'm forced to retell my sexual-assault story to my boyfriend, while he is enjoying this, masturbating. I later realize that he has this crazy rape-fetish. And I remember him moaning when I told how I told those two men "no".

It took me over 2 years to open up to someone about this. Because I felt ashamed, and nasty for actually letting this happen to me. And I've blamed myself for not beating him up or call for help or running. And I have such a hard time forgiving this. And I just feel so violated and disgusting. But I guess I want to forgive, because that's the type of person I am. But I just can't.. I try to separate him from these kind of episodes. But it just feels impossible.

Is this something I just should get over with? Or do I have the right to be furious?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Mr.Fly-

Welcome to our community.  I can feel the pain in your words.  I am deeply sorry that your exBF has put you through this, after you finally felt you could share your story of sexual assault.  I am so so sorry that happened to you.

First my friend, please know... the assault was NOT your fault.  I’m sure you fought, but the harder you fought, the more chance you stood of being physically hurt worse.  I speak to you as a person who also suffered a brutal sexual attack while in college (I’m 62 now).

Please understand, when something like this happens to you, it’s HARD to just slip that horrific event down into some compartment in your brain.  I really urge you to consider getting some therapy and deal with it now.  And hold off telling your story to anyone unless you really REALLY trust the person with your painful truth.  

Love bonds take time to form... you’ve probably just learned this lesson.  Although with pwBPD (people with bpd), we become convinced so early in the relationship that they truly LOVE us.  But think about it;  they barely KNOW us, and we barely know them.

As for his forcing you to tell him of your sexual history, and his masturbating while you’re telling these stories... the fact that you felt forced to do something against your will is extremely controlling and abusive.  Pile onto that the fact that he got off on your pain?  Extremely cruel and sick on his part and devoid of empathy.

You are on the Detaching Board for a reason, my friend.  A very good reason.  You KNOW you deserve so much more than the abuse and cruelties of this person.  

I urge you to continue to do all you can to steer completely clear of him.  And anyone else who will force you into situations  where you feel discomfort, fear or forced to do things against your will.

I saw your post about him stalking your social media, but I’m so ignorant on that issue, I’m sorry.  But perhaps there’s something I can suggest to help you get him out of your head... to help with “rumination.”  Look up Dr. Ramani “rumination” on YouTube and watch that video.  Could help.

Please keep making your music... is there a way to post on another platform where you HAVE to screen everyone who wants to view what you post?

Choose you.  And realize you cannot love someone to wellness.

Please keep posting.  You’re safe here.  And yes, you have the right to feel furious!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Mr.Fly]

Dear Mr.Fly-

Welcome to our community.  I can feel the pain in your words.  I am deeply sorry that your exBF has put you through this, after you finally felt you could share your story of sexual assault.  I am so so sorry that happened to you.

First my friend, please know... the assault was NOT your fault.  I’m sure you fought, but the harder you fought, the more chance you stood of being physically hurt worse.  I speak to you as a person who also suffered a brutal sexual attack while in college (I’m 62 now).

Please understand, when something like this happens to you, it’s HARD to just slip that horrific event down into some compartment in your brain.  I really urge you to consider getting some therapy and deal with it now.  And hold off telling your story to anyone unless you really REALLY trust the person with your painful truth.  

Love bonds take time to form... you’ve probably just learned this lesson.  Although with pwBPD (people with bpd), we become convinced so early in the relationship that they truly LOVE us.  But think about it;  they barely KNOW us, and we barely know them.

As for his forcing you to tell him of your sexual history, and his masturbating while you’re telling these stories... the fact that you felt forced to do something against your will is extremely controlling and abusive.  Pile onto that the fact that he got off on your pain?  Extremely cruel and sick on his part and devoid of empathy.

You are on the Detaching Board for a reason, my friend.  A very good reason.  You KNOW you deserve so much more than the abuse and cruelties of this person.  

I urge you to continue to do all you can to steer completely clear of him.  And anyone else who will force you into situations  where you feel discomfort, fear or forced to do things against your will.

I saw your post about him stalking your social media, but I’m so ignorant on that issue, I’m sorry.  But perhaps there’s something I can suggest to help you get him out of your head... to help with “rumination.”  Look up Dr. Ramani “rumination” on YouTube and watch that video.  Could help.

Please keep making your music... is there a way to post on another platform where you HAVE to screen everyone who wants to view what you post?

Choose you.  And realize you cannot love someone to wellness.

Please keep posting.  You’re safe here.  And yes, you have the right to feel furious!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hey, Gemsforeyes.

Thank you so much for welcoming me, and being so kind and for your reply. I can feel the love in your post. And I really appreciate that.

I'm so sorry that you also have experienced assault. And know that it's not your fault either. But I understand the pain that comes with it, and I hope you can manage to push trough this pain.

I'm very familiar with Dr. Ramani, and have followed her for a while. But I will definitely check out what she has to say about "rumination", thank you. I have also experienced that these kind of videos about different types of personality disorders makes me regain sympathy for the person who actually was abusing me. He lost his brother 10 months back. So I've been told by my doctor and former therapist to lay off these kind of videos. Because they can kind of make me feel like that "cold-hearted bitch who doesn't give a PLEASE READ about his ex who needs his love." at this point. But I will watch, if it's recommended.

Thank you for your support <3

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Fly-

I can understand why your doctor and therapist advised you to stop watching videos about PD’s.  When I figured out (3.5 years into the 6.5 year relationship with my now exBF) that there was something seriously WRONG with him, I had become almost lifeless.  So his illness had in effect become mine.  And I found this forum.  BPD seemed to fit, and I had never heard of it.   

Like your exBF, mine had some very painful things happen in his past.  I so wanted to be the one he could count on, to LOVE and trust.  And he DID trust me.  He told me on so many occasions that he had never trusted anyone other than me.  Too bad I could not trust him in return... to not betray our relationship and lie to his family / completely fabricate things about me that were not true.  He didn’t cheat, he did worse.

At any rate, when I first discovered BPD, I read hundreds of posts and watched videos on BPD and learned the communication tools.  I tried and tried with him.  But something was STILL very very off.  And after about 2 years I began to have an inkling that he may have leaned more toward NPD in many of his behaviors.  He COMPLETELY lacked empathy.  He did not feel anything for anyone except himself.  Sometimes he expressed empathy for Celebrities.  I found that odd.  But not “common” people.  And I could not understand that.  And his RAGES and selfishness were so unbelievable to me, even after all this time.

I didn’t want to think he had NPD.  My exH (19 years) was very narcissistic.  I denied to myself that I did a repeat.  But I did, only worse, more damaging to myself.

The reason I think Dr. Ramani is “safe” is because the last night I saw his face (on 2/13/2020), when he left here in a most horrific RAGE, I decided to really LOOK at narcissism.  I found her and I binge-watched.  I no longer felt sorry for him.  I had felt sorry for him for way too long.  He NEVER looked at himself, or how his actions (many unforgivable) affected me.  I began to look at myself in a different light.  I KNEW I’d never heal from anything with him constantly tearing me town. 

Realizing that your former lover’s behavior is damaging, abusive and cruel, and leaving for your own well-being does NOT make you a cold-hearted bitch.  It makes you an honorable human being who deserves to be treated with care and respect; who deserves self-respect and recognizes when a relationship is unhealthy.  Sure people say they “need” love.  But love needs to be wanted.  Addiction is a need.

My friend, In your prior post you brought up “forgiveness”.  There are as more schools of thought on that topic than there are letters in the word.   I’ve done a lot of reading on this topic.  Mine take is this... you’ll find yours in time, and there’s no rush.  Take your time.

Sometimes forgiving people for really damaging behaviors is dangerous.  It basically gives them permission to do it again.  I did this too many times, and it hurt me.  That’s not to say you’re holding onto your high level anger forever (that WILL fade in time); it’s that you just do not owe anything to someone who demands empty forgiveness, without truly expressing remorse for their actions.  You should NOT have to ASK for the apology.  Again, in time the acute angry feelings will fade, as will the feeling that you “owe” him any part of your heart.  Because my friend, you don’t.

You are a sensitive, compassionate, loving and creative human being.  Your exBF doesn’t understand the first thing about you, your feelings or what you need within a relationship, and he has no interest in learning.  You deserve someone who embraces your creativity and who you are. 

Much love from way over here,
Gems