Break Up with BPD Partner

[jay11]

I have very recently gone through one of countless excruciatingly painful break up's with my BPD partner of over 3 years. I am completely consumed by what happened, replaying every single second of our last interaction over and over again. I cannot think about anything else and I cannot sleep or work. In the past she has cheated on me several times, smashed my phone, called the cops on me, yelled for help in a public place, hit me and even slashed two of my tires in broad daylight. I keep returning to the relationship hoping that things will get better and that she will seek help. She has never taken any accountability or apologized for any of her actions. Most recently she wanted to have a talk with me because she went through my phone and discovered an instagram message from another girl and also had a friend tell her that she found me on a dating app - we were not dating or exclusive at the time and I had done nothing wrong. But just  like clockwork - things were going so well and she wanted to have a discussion about these things - which she knew about for days and continued to tell me she loved me and that I was the best (confusing and indicative to me that she knew deep down there was no justification for her being upset about anything). I began to tell her the truth and she began increasingly talking down to me and telling me that I needed to calm down and that I was being defensive. All I could say instinctually was that I'm not a dog because I felt she was treating me like one. She then packed everything up told me that the conversation was over and told me to never try to talk to her ever again. When I followed her to her door pleading for forgiveness she forcefully pushed me away slamming the door in my face while screaming vulgarities at me. I repeatedly tried calling her to apologize and plead my case that I felt as though she was talking down to me and being accusatory. She picked up the phone one time and berated me telling me that she despised me and as I told her the truth and apologized over the phone all she did was laugh. Then she berated me some more hung up the phone on me and blocked my number. Emotional abuse almost feels like an understatement when it comes to this kind of behavior. Back in May she slashed my tires for having left her apartment the night before because she had been treating me poorly - to avoid confrontation I simply left - the next day she stormed into my apartment woke me up in bed yelling at me accusing me of ignoring her phone calls - then she left and slashed my tires. When I went to confront her about it she grabbed the knife she had used and waived it at me. I filed a police report, the police came and explained to me that if I were to press charges they would knock on her door, take her away, pull the security camera footage and she would have to spend a minimum of 3 days in jail. When I called her and gave her a chance to apologize and make things right she laughed at me, accused me of bluffing and said "you have a busy day you better get going". I decided not to press charges out of the goodness of my heart and for fear that she would say that I physically abused her. Throughout the course of our relationship I have dealt with such agonizing emotional abuse and flat out evil behavior that I needed to tell my family and friends - they all despise her for it and every time I have gone back to her I have had to keep it a secret with everyone in my life. She effectively alienated both of us from everyone that I care about and she continually blamed me for not involving her in my life. Throughout our relationship I have been nervous to bring her anywhere around my family for fear of what they might think of me and because she might have a dangerous episode. I now wish that I had pressed charges because I know that she will get away with this behavior again and again. And I also realize now that by trying to help her I had only been enabling this type of behavior by triggering all of her darkest emotions. I have suffered repeated emotional trauma and knowing that she has inflicted this on me when all I ever did was try to love her and help her is nauseating. I didn't know what else to do but write it all down here. And just the act of writing this has helped - thank you for providing this space.

[FindingMe2011]

I have very recently gone through one of countless excruciatingly painful break up's with my BPD partner of over 3 years. I am completely consumed by what happened, replaying every single second of our last interaction over and over again. I cannot think about anything else and I cannot sleep or work.

This could have been written by me, with a few minor details changed. This is you looking for understanding and justifiably so. You have come to the right place, much info to help you navigate through this crisis. Hopefully you can find what youre looking for here, so you dont go through another excruciating painful break up. This will be up to you.

But just  like clockwork

This clockwork is exactly right. The illness plays out just as a clock ticks, consistently. There is an order to the disorder. The narcissists and the borderline relationship. Much is written on this subject and may enlighten you.

I decided not to press charges out of the goodness of my heart

After all you have explained, this is your reasoning? This is not squaring with me. I have to ask where is the goodness for yourself?...Is it possible you came up with this in order to stay away from the pain you are feeling today?

they all despise her for it and every time I have gone back to her I have had to keep it a secret with everyone in my life.

You didnt have to, you chose to. Saying all these things and then jumping right back in, would look like what? It appears you are somewhat spinning, just as I did.

for fear of what they might think of me

What do you think, your family might think?  Lets see, you express frustration, they tell you to leave the relationship. You figure out a different angle for the relationship to work (which it actually isnt) and they are left thinking. He is getting exactly what he asked for and they would be correct.

I now wish that I had pressed charges because I know that she will get away with this behavior again and again.

Revenge is wicked. This would only back fire and you would eventually feel worse. Reason being, this is not you. She most likely will do this over and over. (her choice) She will have plenty of people to chose from. Those willing to play are a dime a dozen and the results will be similar to yours. Guaranteed unless she gets help, BY HERSELF, FOR HERSELF.

And I also realize now that by trying to help her I had only been enabling this type of behavior by triggering all of her darkest emotions.

Appears to be understanding on your part, good for you. Alot of this will be needed to reach acceptance. She has also became a trigger for you. Something you will eventually need to get to, in order to process this in a healthy way.

I have suffered repeated emotional trauma

This has happened to you, well before this relationship. Exploring this will help you understand today.

. I didn't know what else to do but write it all down here.

You did something different and more of this will be needed. Writing is a great form of therapy, keep it up and learn.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

I wish you well, Peace