Most Saturday mornings.

[Schulze]

Hi,

     My Fiancee and I have been together for a year a half. She is an amazing person but there is something very wrong in our relationship. She will very rarely (and always surprisingly) openly acknowledge the things that happen between us only to revert back to complete denial/blaming everything on me. I've suggested talking to her GP, couples counselling and a number of other things only to be met with rage or strange explanations of why professional counselling is bad. There are too many things to include here so I'll recount this morning's incident as it is the latest and what led me to believe some support might be good for my own sanity.

     We agreed last night to work at having a good weekend together as they are often ruined by some incident or another. Everything was fine this morning, we had a really nice first couple hours together. She wanted to hang two new shelves in the kitchen. She asked me where my multitool was. I said I didn't know but I'd get it and help her in a second (and was immediately called a useless piece of _____). I said something to the effect of "fine, do it yourself". She exploded, took my laptop and lifted it over her head threatened to smash it unless I found it "right ________ing now". I found it and brought it to her to save my laptop (she broke my last one in June) and unfortunately made a snarky comment about how I'd be happy to straighten it when she was done (I realize that was the wrong thing to say). She immediately punched me in the chest and began violently shoving me towards the door yelling at me to leave amid a bunch of name calling and profanity. I still wasn't really dressed and asked her to let me at least get socks on. She blocked the bedroom door and told me I could be homeless and sleep at city hall without any shoes for all she cared. She then stormed outside for a cigarette while I went and showered to get the anxiety sweat off and now I'm here.

    This is actually a pretty ordinary weekend, its just been long enough that I'm starting to crack. My question is: how do I be better about not responding/becoming upset when I'm not able to disengage? I'm starting to have some pretty severe anxiety and periodically get really depressed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Schulze. I'm glad you're here. You're in a tough place, you recognize the toll it's taken on your mental health, and it sounds like you're ready to try something different. 

My question is: how do I be better about not responding/becoming upset when I'm not able to disengage?

To be honest, it sounds like you do a pretty good job of disengaging. You stay calm. Witty comebacks usually aren't helpful but she escalated so quickly, I'm not sure it would have mattered. I'm more concerned about her repeated, unchecked behavior and the toll it's taking on your mental health.

Is this behavior something you can live with long term?

We're here to help you and make sure you feel supported.