She cheated, try to "work things out" with kids in the crossfire

[TMAC23]

I`m writing this from one of the lowest points in my life. I have a four-year-old son and four stepchildren from her previous relationshsips. I have known she had BPD for well over two years and she refused to get help. She started to hang out with people I would consider less than a good influence and that when the trouble started. She has a very provocative social media presence and I found her exchanging inapropriate messages. When confronted, she simply told me to get out. I was essentially homeless and she immediately moved some guy into the house and pretended like I didn't exist. It was horrible. I couldn't have come up with a more cruel way for her to separate from me. I had no money or resources and was living out of my car for a short time before I got an apartment. fast forward a few months and things ended badly for her and this guy (no one saw that coming). She finally admitted she was borderline and got into intense therapy and put on medication. She was completely different and made some huge strides and efforts that admittedly impressed me. Of course, I was wary and was so devastated by what had happened, but she was sick, right? I have struggled with forgiveness because I know she meant it when it happened, but later she recalls her "episodes" in a regretful and embarrassment. I feel so bad for her. It was terrible what she did, but I also know that I will eventually be ok. I want to be with her for many reasons, but mostly because I don`t want my son to grow up in two homes. It affected him very badly and when I started staying over and being around in our former house he became so happy and snapped back to his old self. I can't stand the thought of him getting hurt and it not being in my control. He didn't understand when she kicked me out, he just knew that daddy was gone and he became angry and wouldn't speak with me. He would scream when I tried to take him to my place and told me he hated me. It was the cruelest irony of the whole situation. As I said, things have been really good, but a few days ago she snapped. I am almost certain she has stopped taking her meds and she has started to resemble her former self. She regressed in a very dysfunctional way after her mother came to visit. Her mother visited right before the first time she kicked me out. She has openly admitted that her mother has a strange hold on her and it is creepy. Now, obviously, I am the reason for all of her "problems". I "manipulate" her to make her feel crazy. I am "controlling" etc... I`m not trying to paint a picture that I`m a saint because I have had my part as well, however, for those who are familiar with BPD, you know what I mean when I say that she is unjustified in most of her hate towards me. It`s so insidious how she manipulates and twists reality to blame me. I start to believe her and question my own sanity. I feel horrible and hopeless. I see this beautiful life just out of reach because she won't get the help she needs. My heart hurts for the children that I can`t protect from her insanity. She is just well enough for people to laugh when I try to explain the severity. I can`t get people to understand her games and emotional abuse. She can go from trying to conceive another baby and talking about the house we want to buy to calling me exclusively by my first name to the children instead of dad. She pretends as nothing happened and cuts me off completely. I can`t be in the same room when she changes, I am no longer allowed at the house. I immediately become foreign in the most hurtful way. No more I love you or any form of affection. At this point, I`m ranting. I feel hopeless and just need someone to say " I understand " to what I`m dealing with.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

First, let me welcome you here.  The peer support is solid, we have a tools and skills board to help you educate yourself, and we have many time-tested perspectives and strategies to help you in a variety of ways and circumstances.  Others will chime in here shortly but I'll comment on a few issues you're facing.

That your son is saying he hates you is not due to you being away nor is it being in a different location.  He is most likely echoing what he's hearing from his other parent.  (Ponder that, have you heard her bad mouth you in front of him?)  That is not surprising, many if not most of us have experienced being blacklisted too.  BPD is a disorder where everything is perceived as all good or all bad, there is seldom gray zones in a pwBPD's perceptions and world views.  So understand you're not really a bad parent nor a bad dad.  You're being cast that way but that's not true.

Another perspective for you... A child having two homes is not bad.  Why?  His current home is one where her wide-ranging moods and demands define the home environment.  That's not healthy for your child.  However, in most cases it is not extreme enough for a child to be removed from a dysfunctional home.  There's little or nothing you can do to fix her home.  What you can do - over time - is establish your own home that is relatively stable, functional versus dysfunctional, healthy versus unhealthy.  Your child will thrive there.  The benefit is that in the years to come he will grow to recognize and appreciate the stability and trust of your home versus the ever-changing rules, demands and dysfunction of the other home.

This is just a general overview.  For most of us, it wasn't easy.  It took time, effort, grit and determination.  It meant behaving as virtually angelic (to avoid us facing legal consequences for losing our tempers) no matter how bad or taunting the ex behaved.  It meant smarter and better Boundaries (how we respond to the ex's misbehaviors).  It meant informing ourselves of PD patterns and how to successfully deal with them and effectively counter them.  It meant finding an experienced and proactive family law attorney to help us stand up as a parent.  It meant seeking local support (trusted friends, family and counselors) in addition to the collective experience and time-tested strategies found with peer support.  It meant accepting that the adult relationship was doomed and ended but being a parent is forever.

Edit:  I have to add a final recommendation.  Right now is a very unsettled time for you.  You have no assurance how the future will turn out, whether good or bad.  However, odds are the adult relationship is irreparably damaged.  Therefore, until you can have long term confidence there is success with it, do not dig yourself deeper into expanding your relationship.  (1) That means no more children.  And you can't trust her if she claims she is handling birth control responsibly.  (2) Don't buy a home, apartment, vehicle or any other asset or new debt with her.  No added obligations with her or to her.  Why?  It would make unwinding the relationship that much more difficult.  At the least, consult with your lawyer and with us in peer support before making any major decision that would make unwinding the relationship that much harder to accomplish.