I wish I'd said I love you, but I had to resist, now all I do is analyze Part 2

[RichardLover55]

Mod Note:  part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345878.0;all

How much do you know about her former relationships?

Little, she described them to me all as wrong men or who had made her suffer. Sometimes she would tell me that men ran away from her, other times she had broken all her relationships, who knows where the truth lies. I think Mutt's right, that her exes ran away from her and not the other way around.

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[Flightfar]

They probably think we’ve abandoned them. Although hardly looking for them will do any good if they only become more paranoid and get pleasure when they get to reject us! Can't know what would work best.

It may indeed be that she has been mistreated in her former relationships and now she projects everything into you. So sad that otherwise such a good relationship is wasted in another’s paranoid scenarios.

[RichardLover55]

They probably think we’ve abandoned them. Although hardly looking for them will do any good if they only become more paranoid and get pleasure when they get to reject us! Can't know what would work best.

It may indeed be that she has been mistreated in her former relationships and now she projects everything into you. So sad that otherwise such a good relationship is wasted in another’s paranoid scenarios.

From what she told me, she has a trauma due to the separation of her parents, especially towards her father. This thing didn't get over it, and it was probably the trigger for her trouble, who knows what she went through. As for love relationships, I don't know whether to believe her or not, I think she spoke ill of her exes as a form of self-defense, she was always very worried about what others thought of her...

[RichardLover55]

I was reminded of something important, she was afraid of being controlled ! Lately she asked me what I would do if she had moved in the future for work, I said to her: let's hope it doesn't happen, I would like you here next to me. She was afraid that I would control her, clearly it's another fear related to the disorder. She went to a nightclub with her friends before quarantine and I never made a fuss or complained, I always let her go. But this fixation on being controlled in my opinion has influenced.

[Flightfar]

I've been thinking how strange is that my ex's feelings has still not calmed down. I fear what the future will bring. I'm afraid this is going to be the same as my ex's previous relationships. So he’s had three relationships before me and they’ve been really short. He said to me in the spring that I am his fourth and last girlfriend. But I do not know what's moving in his head. And will he come back at all if he is afraid I would have been with someone else in between? I don't know how he would take it.

Sounds like she needs space to figure out her thoughts if she has that fear of engulfment. And if she began that detaching even before the your breakup?

[RichardLover55]

I've been thinking how strange is that my ex's feelings has still not calmed down. I fear what the future will bring. I'm afraid this is going to be the same as my ex's previous relationships. So he’s had three relationships before me and they’ve been really short. He said to me in the spring that I am his fourth and last girlfriend. But I do not know what's moving in his head. And will he come back at all if he is afraid I would have been with someone else in between? I don't know how he would take it.

Sounds like she needs space to figure out her thoughts if she has that fear of engulfment. And if she began that detaching even before the your breakup?

Yes, the last two weeks she's been detached. I felt strange and was looking for me less, I realized something was wrong, I tried to talk to her and she told me that it was not up to me and that it was just a passing moment, she kept saying I want to protect you from me, then a short time later she left me. In the last few weeks, his anxieties and paranoidness had become enathered, so he was looking for every excuse to quarrel. When she left me, she even brought up a "debate" that wasn't even the one that happened in February, completely meaningless.

[Flightfar]

My ex, too, detached from me in the last months. He sent me messages even less often and when I took it up, he got angry. My friend said your boyfriend must be feeling so bad that he now wants to protect you. I feel so helpless and lost.

[Flightfar]

I wanted to help him, but he just wanted to get rid of me. I guess it too may be about some fear of controlling.

[RichardLover55]

My ex, too, detached from me in the last months. He sent me messages even less often and when I took it up, he got angry. My friend said your boyfriend must be feeling so bad that he now wants to protect you. I feel so helpless and lost.

In my opinion it is also the fault of the lack of constancy of object, they see that you are a normal person and their idealization suddenly collapses after a few months. She also said to me, "You don't deserve to be teased, you're a great guy" !

[RichardLover55]

I wanted to help him, but he just wanted to get rid of me. I guess it too may be about some fear of controlling.

I always let her go out with her friends and do whatever she wanted, she gave me some crazy tests dictated by her irrational fears.

[RichardLover55]

I miss hugging her and clutching her to me, I think that despite everything there was a special chemistry between us, maybe it's just my illusion but that's what I felt.

[Flightfar]

You do sound like a good and caring guy.

I also miss my ex immensely and I feel serious temptations of breaking this NC (although it is of no use). I don't want to suffer like this. He either is happy in the honeymoon phase with the new girl or alone and unhappy. Who knows. At times, it feels like I didn’t really even know the whole person. I think I'll write a letter to him in the future, because I want him to know how much I suffered.

[Flightfar]

And it's completely normal to feel empty after relationship with BPD person. I've realized that it has consumed me so much, both the good and bad parts. There's just this emptiness left.

[RichardLover55]

You do sound like a good and caring guy.

I also miss my ex immensely and I feel serious temptations of breaking this NC (although it is of no use). I don't want to suffer like this. He either is happy in the honeymoon phase with the new girl or alone and unhappy. Who knows. At times, it feels like I didn’t really even know the whole person. I think I'll write a letter to him in the future, because I want him to know how much I suffered.

Yes I am a very sensitive person, I have also been through many. I went there with lead feet so as not to hurt her and to make sure that she did not hurt me, I had opened myself completely because I was convinced of her feelings, instead as soon as I confessed my love slowly she began to change.

[RichardLover55]

And it's completely normal to feel empty after relationship with BPD person. I've realized that it has consumed me so much, both the good and bad parts. There's just this emptiness left.

I feel so empty because I had foolishly made future plans with her, not realizing the situation I had fantasized so many beautiful things. She was talking about future cohabitation, in short, I never imagined a sudden breakup.

[Flightfar]

Now that I think about it, I recognize the situations myself, after which my boyfriend started to change. Once when I spent a month in his apartment, he became angry and he got rage attacks during which he wanted me to leave. And once when I suspected I was pregnant, he became angry and wanted me to have an abortion. And every time I confessed my love for him, he became paranoid. I trusted him time and time again and opened up to him time and time again, I thought he wouldn’t hurt me anymore. But everything only got worse time and time again.

I don’t know how he could come back now when he’s so jealous and paranoid and in the meantime he probably thinks I could have been with someone else. What do you think, could your ex come back to you even if she’s jealous of you? You said that she has been paranoid.

I am also very sensitive, kind and loving person, the perfect target for BPD.

[RichardLover55]

Now that I think about it, I recognize the situations myself, after which my boyfriend started to change. Once when I spent a month in his apartment, he became angry and he got rage attacks during which he wanted me to leave. And once when I suspected I was pregnant, he became angry and wanted me to have an abortion. And every time I confessed my love for him, he became paranoid. I trusted him time and time again and opened up to him time and time again, I thought he wouldn’t hurt me anymore. But everything only got worse time and time again.

I don’t know how he could come back now when he’s so jealous and paranoid and in the meantime he probably thinks I could have been with someone else. What do you think, could your ex come back to you even if she’s jealous of you? You said that she has been paranoid.

I am also very sensitive, kind and loving person, the perfect target for BPD.

I can only imagine what you went through, it must not have been pleasant. Love makes bpd suspicious because they don't consider themselves worthy of being loved, I read online. So as a love story reaches its peak, they begin to detach themselves because they become paranoid, begin to suspect everything and begin to constantly test the relationship with increasingly absurd tests and tests, until they put an end to the relationship themselves. It is possible, their narcissistic sense leads them to want possession of the loved one, so if jealousy is reignited they might decide to return, to have you all for them, but it would not be the best so. The best thing is for them to come back because good feelings have returned to us, otherwise it would end worse.
Yes, we're the perfect targets, in fact my girlfriend's exes were all normal types. At least that's what I felt looking at the photos, I think they never choose someone who can leave them first, their attention always falls on reliable people looking for a serious and lasting story, point is that people bpd always put in place the same mechanism with everyone, I don't know if they realize it.

[Flightfar]

Yeah, you're right. It is eye-opening that all those terrible experiences have been due to the fact that he has wanted to test my limits and my love. For example, we once had a terrible argument when I told him that I love him, to which he argued, saying that ''you do not love me!''.
Can you name any other experiences from the time of your relationship when she would have tested you and your feelings? Things just seems to get worse and they start testing your love even harder, it's crazy! I, too, was always so loving to him, I took care of him, I made sure he had everything well, I supported, helped, comforted, but in spite of everything, he believes I don’t really love him. I don’t know what I could supposedly do more!

That’s true if you don’t send a message to them then their narcissistic side will experience humiliation or something like that and they may come to contact you. Isn’t it also true that they come back to their dedicated, understanding and reliable partners more often?

[RichardLover55]

Yeah, you're right. It is eye-opening that all those terrible experiences have been due to the fact that he has wanted to test my limits and my love. For example, we once had a terrible argument when I told him that I love him, to which he argued, saying that ''you do not love me!''.
Can you name any other experiences from the time of your relationship when she would have tested you and your feelings? Things just seems to get worse and they start testing your love even harder, it's crazy! I, too, was always so loving to him, I took care of him, I made sure he had everything well, I supported, helped, comforted, but in spite of everything, he believes I don’t really love him. I don’t know what I could supposedly do more!

That’s true if you don’t send a message to them then their narcissistic side will experience humiliation or something like that and they may come to contact you. Isn’t it also true that they come back to their dedicated, understanding and reliable partners more often?

The most absurd test was this, he told me: "If I went to work in another city how would you react" ? He asked me this at 1:00 at night ! I told her i hope not ! I mean, maybe you'll find one close by. She saw my response as an attempt control over her life on my part ! If I told her a different answer she would have said "you don't care about me", in short there is nothing you can say or do to pass these tests, so if you like to get another one right away. When you get to these points it's only a matter of time before she/he breaks the relationship. Another test was to get me to church in a hurry because if I hadn't gone, I would have been undecided about the "faith" speech, she wanted me to go to mass and I went there to please her. I did everything for her, I introduced her to my friends because she said that otherwise I excluded her, but it didn't suit her because she invented the worst things to quarrel and create non-existent discussions. She wanted to meet my father "by force", at first she liked him, then after he wasn't likeable anymore, and also used it to hurt me. In the sense that he put it in the middle of an argument, of course my father has all the flaws in the world, but believe me... When they want to break up the relationship they always find an excuse, which of course has nothing to do with us, we have done nothing wrong. After this last month of absurdity, she came out saying : "I no longer feel the love I felt for you before".
I joined the puzzle and informing myself, and than I realized that she had a personality disorder, and it was a shock.

[RichardLover55]

I read that they can come back saying phrases like this : I never stopped loving you, I realized that I still love you, I do not want to lose you I have changed, they can tell you that they dreamed you, in short try to re-enter your life and try to regain your trust. And that's what I hope, clearly if that happens, i have to try to get her to start psychotherapy, otherwise she'd end up the same way.

[Flightfar]

I now remember one time when my boyfriend broke up with me after he had a rage and began to doubt my feelings for him. Later I got a message which read ''A rose to the most beautiful woman in the world whom I love the most in the world, I would give you a real rose if I was there''. It was REALLY absurd when suddenly a message like that came! Like nothing has happened at all! Not even an apology for hurting me. So it seems like anything is possible.

You can never win in those situations, because they see signs of being abandoned/controlled everywhere.
I've read that BPD person also splits black partner's relatives/friends. I also read that they will most likely to come back to partners who are ''a good catch'' to them. And I’m probably like that to him and now he’s testing my boundaries.

[RichardLover55]

I now remember one time when my boyfriend broke up with me after he had a rage and began to doubt my feelings for him. Later I got a message which read ''A rose to the most beautiful woman in the world whom I love the most in the world, I would give you a real rose if I was there''. It was REALLY absurd when suddenly a message like that came! Like nothing has happened at all! Not even an apology for hurting me. So it seems like anything is possible.

You can never win in those situations, because they see signs of being abandoned/controlled everywhere.
I've read that BPD person also splits black partner's relatives/friends. I also read that they will most likely to come back to partners who are ''a good catch'' to them. And I’m probably like that to him and now he’s testing my boundaries.

I expect everything too, because the person I thought I knew made me an incredible face turner, so the opposite could happen very well even if now I can not imagine it. I feel her so far from me, it's completely detached at least on the surface. She started putting likes on social media again to a friend of ours, instead she painted all my other friends, myself included, black.

[Flightfar]

I myself am afraid that by this time my ex's feelings have completely disappeared, but my rational side also thinks that the opposite can well happen, and the BPD person starts thinking about the good things.

However, I'm wondering if I'm mentally stable to deal with these episodes and can I take the risk that the same would happen again. In the spring, though, there was a change so much that he was willing to seek medication, but then he denied everything again. So the downs will come even if for a moment you are sure that everything will turn out well.

[RichardLover55]

I myself am afraid that by this time my ex's feelings have completely disappeared, but my rational side also thinks that the opposite can well happen, and the BPD person starts thinking about the good things.

However, I'm wondering if I'm mentally stable to deal with these episodes and can I take the risk that the same would happen again. In the spring, though, there was a change so much that he was willing to seek medication, but then he denied everything again. So the downs will come even if for a moment you are sure that everything will turn out well.

Feelings may come back, but I doubt things will return as they were before. I can't know for sure, but from how she's run away from me I'm not very positive about it.
It's not true that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, because she removed our photos, so somehow she thinks of me, but it's true that she told her friends and people close to her the opposite. So she's playing the part of the one that doesn't feel anything anymore. I wonder how she can come back to me after all this.

[Flightfar]

I am sure that when my ex splitted me black, he spoke ill about me and told lies about me to his friends and his friends have added fuel to the fire, and now he would lose his credibility if he'd come back. His friends don’t even know he’s sick and my ex acts like a normal person to them! So whenever he splits me black, he gets the support of his friends, to feel his actions were justified.

I feel that after each episode things only get worse because the BPD person starts to look even harder for possible signs of possible abandonment. And in the end, it all ends ugly. I don’t know how to get my ex to get help, I don’t know if even any therapist could help.

[RichardLover55]

I am sure that when my ex splitted me black, he spoke ill about me and told lies about me to his friends and his friends have added fuel to the fire, and now he would lose his credibility if he'd come back. His friends don’t even know he’s sick and my ex acts like a normal person to them! So whenever he splits me black, he gets the support of his friends, to feel his actions were justified.

I feel that after each episode things only get worse because the BPD person starts to look even harder for possible signs of possible abandonment. And in the end, it all ends ugly. I don’t know how to get my ex to get help, I don’t know if even any therapist could help.

That's why I think she's not going back to me, in the eyes of her friends and probably family members, she is fine, no one is aware of her disorder. In your case did it happen anyway ? Did he come back after painting you black ?

[Flightfar]

Yeah, I got overflowing love messages after he had spoken ill about me to all of his friends. And the same thing continued.

Any update?

[RichardLover55]

Yeah, I got overflowing love messages after he had spoken ill about me to all of his friends. And the same thing continued.

Any update?

She continues to watch the stories on social media of my friends and also mine, but everything is silent, we haven't heard from each other for two months. I wish she would write me a message or give me a signal.

[RichardLover55]

She didn't want to be called by name, another weirdness that came to mind.

[Flightfar]

Is that common with BPDs? Because my ex also didn’t want to be called by name.

The silent continues...