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Author Topic: Broke NC  (Read 270 times)
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« on: August 16, 2020, 07:48:08 PM »

Hello Family,
I left this forum back in 2015 as my BPDex and I reunited.  Back then I was so glad I found this site as it helped me tremendously understand what I had been dealing with. I had absolutely no idea at the time.  Since then, I have been discarded again (January 2020) though during the 2015 recycle I tried not to allow myself to get too attached and I succeeded for the most part.

Fast forward to today.  I felt the discard coming on around January of this year and I was right. She began to disappear and had less and less time to spend.  We finally had a huge argument over the phone and by text with a lot of nasty name calling and the like.  I managed to maintain no contact up until this month when I found an email she sent to me back in July of this year that landed in my spam box.  It didn't say much as I knew it was a charm attempt but I took the bait and responded back.  BIG MISTAKE!  We exchanged a few tense words back and forth with her ignoring me completely on my last response. 

Since then, I have been dealing with so much anxiety and anger toward myself for flushing 6 months down the drain in one hour.  I know I have to start all over but I feel as though I gave away ALL of my power by responding to her.  I have resumed no contact but I find myself thinking about her constantly and craving more contact again but I know better.  I have been searching every avenue I can find to bring my mental strength back. 

I have even been reading old email exchanges from 2015 before she recycled me, trying to find a pattern wondering if she will repeat it again.  We were involved since 2006 with (1) one year break up in 2014.  During all of that time she cheated and lied repeatedly which prompted me to "do my own thing" and keep seeing her.  Despite all of this, I still miss contact with her but I know I'm trauma bonded.  I also know she was never honest with me about anything and never loved me at all. 

I guess what I'm asking is... she reached out then ignores me what does that mean?  I have never experienced this one with her before and I am wondering will she attempt to contact me again in the future? She also called me from an unlisted number a month before the email but nothing since.  I have watched so many videos on narcissistic romantic partners and she fits every criteria. Please help and thank you for your advice and input...

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2020, 03:38:48 PM »

Excerpt
I guess what I'm asking is... she reached out then ignores me what does that mean?

It means she is throwing you a few crumbs to see if you are still on the line, so-to-speak.

Excerpt
I feel as though I gave away ALL of my power by responding to her.

True, you did give away your power by putting the ball back in her court, but that's the risk you opted to take.  Did you really think she was going to respond with warmth and kindness?  If so, that was probably unrealistic.

Lots of us have broken N/C, my friend, so don't beat yourself.  Time to move forward.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2020, 04:43:34 AM »

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Since then, I have been dealing with so much anxiety and anger toward myself for flushing 6 months down the drain in one hour.

when these things happen, and when they happened to me, i found it best to use them as a gauge for where i was at in my detachment process.

you havent flushed 6 months down the drain. it has however, revealed that you have some ways to go in your detachment process.

the bottom line is that no contact is not a substitute for detaching and healing. its a tool in order to get the space to do so. that will fail if you hold out hope, if its a means of garnering contact, or if you want to get a message across.

why did she quit responding? because the two of you are broken up, and shes further along in accepting that the same old fights died when the relationship did. you havent entirely resolved those issues; i hadnt either at the same point in my detaching process, but ultimately, i had to resolve those things myself, and with help here. it wasnt going to come from my ex, who had a very different perspective than i did.

my advice? dig in, dont ditch your support group. you dont have to wing it or do this alone. embrace the idea that this wasnt something that threw away all your work - if the relationship is over, its less about no contact, and more about moving on, right - and that it was something that told you that theres more work ahead of you in terms of detaching.
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