Advice

[Newyork123]

Hello.

I am completely new to all of this and would appreciate some
help and guidance. I have recently entered a new relationship and my partner has recently disclosed to me that he has BPD, I have done a lot of reading about this however as it’s early days I am finding it extremely hard to deal with

After a small argument which was my partners fault I went to sleep and woke up to a text message from them saying they were better off alone, the relationship is toxic etc and that they don’t want to be with me anymore. 1 hour later they had apologised said they loved me, never want to break up etc. Whilst I understand this is BPD tendencies, I find it hard to forget about the stuff that was said whilst in an episode and I don’t understand how I am meant to do it. I spend every morning stressing about whether I’m going to get broke up with and in turn it is starting to effect my own mental health.

On one side my partner makes me feel more appreciated than I ever have before, very complimentary says they want to marry me etc then on the other side during an episode I feel completely unwanted and petrified that I’m going to be broke up with

I do not want to leave my partner, he is awaiting help from the NHS but the waiting list is just under a year.

Can anyone help me with some advice on how to start to manage all of this any better, or anything I can start to do in the early days that will help avoid us breaking up or help me manage to cope with everything better

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Newyork123  big hug to you. This is tough stuff. You are not alone and there are tools and a bunch of supportive people here to help you walk through this.

A few positive things I want to highlight - you're learning about BPD early on in the relationship, he was open and shared it with you, he accepts his diagnosis, and he is seeking treatment. These are all good signs.

I'm a pretty sensitive person. Being in a relationship with a person with BPD  was painful, and it's hard work. You know what's really cool though? My relationship with my spouse improved. I set boundaries with my MIL. I'm a better mom, friend and spouse because the tools we learn here can be applied in many places. I had a difficult coworker, but when I applied what I learned, I was able to improve that relationship too.

It's overwhelming but the work is worth it, and you can do it. 

On one side my partner makes me feel more appreciated than I ever have before, very complimentary says they want to marry me etc then on the other side during an episode I feel completely unwanted and petrified that I’m going to be broke up with

This push/pull dynamic is really common. It helps to understand why they're doing it. Here is a thread on it in case you're interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

[Newyork123]

Hi Newyork123  big hug to you. This is tough stuff. You are not alone and there are tools and a bunch of supportive people here to help you walk through this.

A few positive things I want to highlight - you're learning about BPD early on in the relationship, he was open and shared it with you, he accepts his diagnosis, and he is seeking treatment. These are all good signs.

I'm a pretty sensitive person. Being in a relationship with a person with BPD  was painful, and it's hard work. You know what's really cool though? My relationship with my spouse improved. I set boundaries with my MIL. I'm a better mom, friend and spouse because the tools we learn here can be applied in many places. I had a difficult coworker, but when I applied what I learned, I was able to improve that relationship too.

It's overwhelming but the work is worth it, and you can do it. 

This push/pull dynamic is really common. It helps to understand why they're doing it. Here is a thread on it in case you're interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

Hey pursuingJoy

Thank you so much for responding!

Yeah I think whilst it is easy to look at the negatives it’s important I focus on the positives as well

I think I find it challenging because I am quite a sensitive person and I don’t react well to arguments etc and I really let them effect me, I also dwell quite a lot on stuff that’s been said during arguments which I feel is something that’s quite counter productive with my partner? Whilst I understand stuff has been said in haste and impulse and they may not mean it, I find that hard to process as the things said must come from somwhere?

I’m glad I’ve found this forum as I feel like I’m already learning a lot more about it and I’m already appreciating the support

You talk about setting boundaries - is this in terms of what is said or actions taken from arguments etc? Like would it be fair to set one of my boundaries as not ending the relationship or is that something that I am going to have to just accept? What other sorts of boundaries are there?

Thank you in advance!

[pursuingJoy]

I think I find it challenging because I am quite a sensitive person and I don’t react well to arguments etc and I really let them effect me, I also dwell quite a lot on stuff that’s been said during arguments which I feel is something that’s quite counter productive with my partner?

It can be counterproductive, but not always. I can totally relate. It takes some mindful work to stabilize ourselves and control our thoughts. 

Whilst I understand stuff has been said in haste and impulse and they may not mean it, I find that hard to process as the things said must come from somwhere?

Yes, it's usually coming from somewhere. It's important to research BPD to get an understanding of what the 'somewhere' is. I've been guilty of assigning my own meaning to it.

You talk about setting boundaries - is this in terms of what is said or actions taken from arguments etc? Like would it be fair to set one of my boundaries as not ending the relationship or is that something that I am going to have to just accept? What other sorts of boundaries are there?

Boundaries are a way for us to communicate and protect our values. Setting boundaries starts with a deep dive into who I am, what I care deeply about, and what I want out of my relationship with another person.

Here's an excerpt from our boundaries article, under the 'tools' tab above:

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

Defining values: Healthy relationships are sometimes characterized as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Healthy individuals have values that they honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship. These are core or independent values. Healthy individuals also have values that they are prepared to negotiate and adapt to in an effort to bond and collaborate with others. These are known as inter-dependent values.

Asserting boundaries: Using verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, needs and define what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds. Laying out reasonable, safe and acceptable ways for other people to interact and relate to us.

Honoring and defending: Living a life that honors our values and knows how to take constructive actions necessary to avoid being compromised.