Evolution

[start_again]

When I first started posting on this board I did a considerable amount of venting.  As time went by and reading other posts and taking suggestions from others, FF, I have come to realize that acceptance is key to my sanity. 
I have to be willing to change my approach in dealing with my SO and to accept how things are.  This board has been helpful.

[Cat Familiar]

I think most folks start off venting. I did that for a couple of years before I figured out what you now understand. Acceptance is a process and it took me a while not to backslide. But what I realized is that “righteous” anger made me feel disempowered and resentful, while acceptance opened the door to new strategies.

[formflier]

Step 1 in decision making if often figuring out what is NOT on the table.  If that is something you have been wanting to be on the table and/or working hard at achieving (like  a partner ready to work on themselves or go to therapy or...)...well..there is a grieving process that somehow fits into acceptance.

That allowed me to open my eyes and realize that even though what I "wanted" wasn't on the table, I did have lots and lots of options.

So...start again, I'm interested in your thoughts on what you have accepted? Was there an "ah ha" moment or was it more of a gradual thing?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

So...start again, I'm interested in your thoughts on what you have accepted? Was there an "ah ha" moment or was it more of a gradual thing?

Until I could accept my wife’s as the way she is I could not live a well-balanced   life.  I need not concentrate on my perception of what is wrong with her rather I should  concentrate on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
The “ah ha” moment for me was after reading SWOE and getting an understanding of what has been going on my marriage.  I would say acceptance is a work in process for me.  I must keep my handy dandy magnifying glass of a mind on my acceptance and off my expectations.  My well-being is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of her and that I do not have the power to change my wife.

[I Am Redeemed]

Until I could accept my wife’s as the way she is I could not live a well-balanced   life.  I need not concentrate on my perception of what is wrong with her rather I should  concentrate on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
The “ah ha” moment for me was after reading SWOE and getting an understanding of what has been going on my marriage.  I would say acceptance is a work in process for me.  I must keep my handy dandy magnifying glass of a mind on my acceptance and off my expectations.  My well-being is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of her and that I do not have the power to change my wife.

This is good stuff, start_again! Very wise and perceptive. I admire your willingness to work on the only part you can control- yourself and your responses. Acceptance is difficult and it may be a back and forth thing where you struggle with it sometimes and find it easier at others. It basically comes down to dealing with life on life's terms. We can be upset or angry or resentful at reality but that doesn't change it- it sounds like you are in a good headspace and are realizing that you can make choices for your own well-being that are not tied to whether or not your wife changes. Kudos to you- that's a mindset that takes some people an awful long time to reach.

[start_again]

Choice is a key - I have to remind myself every morning that I do have a choice and today I have chosen acceptance of others.  Not an easy task to remember, however if I keep reminding myself each morning a have a good chance for a wonderful day...

[HappyKJ]

Wonderfully put. I've been going through the same thing. It's been a roller coaster the last few weeks, but I keep reminding myself that much of my anguish comes from either wanting to change or fix my bf or from taking things he says too personally. When I instead focus on myself while appreciating him where he's at, things are much better. Last night, he apologized for the hurtful things he has said to me and said that when he looks at the big picture, he realizes I have been there for him through all the hard times and when he says those hurtful things, it's not really him speaking. And what he said was sincere, not a cop-out. I appreciate these moments of growth and self-awareness and will remind myself to step back and look at the big picture when it seems like everything is falling apart.

[Diddle]

I find this really helpful, thank you Startagain. Can I ask has this helped your relationship with each other? or just given you a different view of your life?

[start_again]

I find this really helpful, thank you Startagain. Can I ask has this helped your relationship with each other? or just given you a different view of your life?

Yes it has helped the relationship because I got better.  I do not have to feed into the tornado, and if I don’t, the tornado eventually becomes a summer breeze and the relationship is joyous again.
For me it had to be a complete mental change in how I think when the tornado is roaring and afterwards.  My thinking cannot be - how can I defend myself?  Nor can I say to myself this is your problem and not mine.  The reality is that it is my problem since I have made the choice to stay in the marriage. 
So what can I do?  Listen not react; wait for the right time to speak.  Validate what I heard by reading between the lines.  Have empathy because I can show it.   Stop the negative thinking... "This too shall pass".
And finally for me is to set boundaries, the big one is to try to not allow how my SO is treating me to affect how I feel.  I am going out more with my friends and doing stuff that makes me feel happy, shooting baskets, stamp club and volunteering.  The more I am around good clean fun the better I get.  In the past I would react to the negativity by staying home and feeling sorry for myself – not good.   When my SO settles down then we have fun together.

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome 

Your story is a magnificent example of how much we can improve our lives by taking responsibility for our part and minimizing conflict.

A toast to you, turning lemons into lemonade! I’ll add a bit of blanco tequila to my lemonade! 

[start_again]

Back in the tornado the last few days and it is good for me to read what I wrote…
When it is at its worst I have to keep reminding myself to take the high road and not add to the fire.  The more I practice the easier it is to change the channel. 
Some wins today:

Code:

Had breakfast with a buddy of mine

Code:

Did not respond to my SO with the one better attitude

Code:

Remembering to not defend myself with my SO or in my head as I go about the day

Code:

Did some reading on setting boundaries

Empathy is a little weak, but in the mix.  My opening bid can be that I want to get even and that thinking is not good.  If I can feel compassion for my SO I wont have the feelings of getting even.   No reason to feel like getting even today...

[globalnomad]

Thanks for this helpful post and thread. It's a really good reminder that the only way forward is acceptance. I really struggle with this. Part of that is perhaps a grieving process -- accepting that as long as I stay with my current partner I will never be in a "normal" relationship or treated with the basic respect that I believe I deserve. Your point on getting out and enjoying life rather than sitting around at home stewing in resentment is a good one. Sometimes we give our disordered partners too much power.

[formflier]

  Sometimes we give our disordered partners too much power.

Can you expand on this with a few examples..I'm curious how you have seen this in your relationship?

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

Can you expand on this with a few examples..I'm curious how you have seen this in your relationship?

Best,

FF

Thanks FF. Good question. I think it's related to the walking on eggshells dynamic. I often find myself self-censoring, or not doing certain things out of fear of provoking my wife. This is a form of conflict avoidance. I'm already worn out from all the conflict, so is it worth risking a fight over this small thing I want to do? The problem is avoiding the issue might help avoid conflict in the short term, but all the small things add up and the longer term result is probably me leading a less fulfilling life. Let me give a specific example.

Recently an old friend who I usually catch up with a couple of times a year proposed "virtual drinks" with a Zoom call in the evening. Like many others, I've been a bit isolated during the pandemic and I'm sure I would enjoy this. But I've hesitated to schedule anything. Here are a couple of reasons why:

- This type of thing has led to huge fights between me and my wife in the past. In her mind I'm always busy working during the day. How could I be so selfish as to schedule something with somebody else in the evening?
- Even if she grudgingly "consented" I would probably then have to negotiate with her what time it was going to be and for how long. If I went one minute over this would be another cause for an argument.

Writing this out makes me realize how ridiculous and unhealthy this mindset is. I'm not asking for anything unreasonable. So I need to go ahead and do things that are reasonable without giving her the power to spook me out of it to avoid conflict. Does this make sense?

[start_again]

Writing this out makes me realize how ridiculous and unhealthy this mindset is. I'm not asking for anything unreasonable. So I need to go ahead and do things that are reasonable without giving her the power to spook me out of it to avoid conflict. Does this make sense?

This makes total sense to me. 
Not allowing someone to live rent free in my head.  If my SO wants to make me feel bad that is her choice my choice can be to not feel bad and also not to engage in her turmoil.  Move a muscle change a thought…

[HappyKJ]

Hi globalnomad, I can really relate to your scenario. So often, socializing with my friends has caused so much turmoil (or me not even enjoying the experience because I was checking my watch the whole time, making sure I didn't arrive home a minute late, or checking my phone to make sure I didn't miss any of my SO's texts) that it has led to me deciding it just wasn't worth it and abandoning a social life altogether. In the long run, this has only led to me being unhappy and hasn't helped our relationship; we usually just end up fighting about something else.

Start Again, I think that is a great approach: reminding myself that how he reacts is HIS responsibility, and me choosing not to get caught up in the drama is MY responsibility.

[start_again]

Hello HappyKJ - Yea checking that watch I can totally identify with that.  Then I realized I am an adult, I am not doing anything wrong so what is the big deal if I am a little later than usual.  It is not like I took out a second mortgage on the house behind my SO back – sure feels like it when confronted.  Now I agree yes I am a little late and then go about the rest of my day.  I have to nip it in the bud because that half hour I was late turns into my SO thinking I was meeting up with another women, the farthest thing from the truth.  The truth is I just lost track of time and that answer is unacceptable, “you are a liar” so I just agree that I was late and end it there.
Do you fall in the trap of always having to ask permission?   I can say yes to my friends if they need my help, I don’t have to ask permission first.  I am an adult who can balance responsibilities at home with friendships outside of the home.   If there is a conflict my friends will understand.

[Diddle]

- This type of thing has led to huge fights between me and my wife in the past. In her mind I'm always busy working during the day. How could I be so selfish as to schedule something with somebody else in the evening?
- Even if she grudgingly "consented" I would probably then have to negotiate with her what time it was going to be and for how long. If I went one minute over this would be another cause for an argument.

Writing this out makes me realize how ridiculous and unhealthy this mindset is. I'm not asking for anything unreasonable. So I need to go ahead and do things that are reasonable without giving her the power to spook me out of it to avoid conflict. Does this make sense?

Globalnomad this makes huge sense. I feel exactly the same, my BPDH and I are in a state of calm right now, and have been for over a week (which is rare) friends have asked me out for a meal next week, friends I will lose touch with easily if I keep saying no. The thought of losing their friendship is huge to me, but the overwhelming fear of upsetting the calm and risking triggering my H outweighs it.
I have told him I'd like to go, if thats ok with him (he never says no, but has often commented in the past that I should ask, which also sounds crazy now I've type dit out) I feel physically sick at the thought of going.
But If we never stand up for ourselves and allow ourselves to live, then what's the point? Its our life too.

[globalnomad]

Globalnomad this makes huge sense. I feel exactly the same, my BPDH and I are in a state of calm right now, and have been for over a week (which is rare) friends have asked me out for a meal next week, friends I will lose touch with easily if I keep saying no. The thought of losing their friendship is huge to me, but the overwhelming fear of upsetting the calm and risking triggering my H outweighs it.
I have told him I'd like to go, if thats ok with him (he never says no, but has often commented in the past that I should ask, which also sounds crazy now I've type dit out) I feel physically sick at the thought of going.
But If we never stand up for ourselves and allow ourselves to live, then what's the point? Its our life too.

Diddle - Yeah I totally understand that feeling of feeling almost sick at the thought of going out sometimes. And when you think about it this is CRAZY. One of my biggest regrets of the past several years is letting more than one friendship fade away because I've said no to invitations too many times. I'm slowly trying to rectify this but it's always a battle. In my case too my wife doesn't actually say no. She claims she just wants to be asked in advance. But what usually happens is either a) she pretends to be fine with it and then acts up on the day, either before or after the event; or b) tries to gain control by imposing all kinds of conditions such as how long I'm allowed to stay. Like you said, what's the point of life if we don't stand up for ourselves over stuff like this?

[Diddle]

Globalnomad totally agree, I'm digging deep for courage today, because I took that step this weekend and asked to go out tonight. So calm is the word of the day, I will not be responding if I am bombarded with text messages while I'm out, because this is my limit, my boundary and I am entitled to it. 

[globalnomad]

Globalnomad totally agree, I'm digging deep for courage today, because I took that step this weekend and asked to go out tonight. So calm is the word of the day, I will not be responding if I am bombarded with text messages while I'm out, because this is my limit, my boundary and I am entitled to it. 

Diddle, how did it go? Hope you were able to have a night out in peace.

[Diddle]

Hey Globalnomad - it was a success, he planted a few "are you sure you want to go" seeds in my mind during the day. i.e. Its supposed to rain later. Are you walking back alone, be careful. Are you sure you're allowed to go there with those people based on lockdown rules.
Little comments that weren't spoken with sincerity, but with the tone to make me doubt whether I was doing the right thing.
But I put them to the back of my mind (the subtle manipulation makes me cross) and I went and he didn't contact me at all any of the time. Which was wonderful.

How's your week going?