Trying to Learn, the older sister of BPD girl

[PipsBigSister]

Hello all,

I suppose I do not particularly know how to go about this. My therapist recommended I try to find a support group comprised of those who also have family members with BPD. I am 21 years old and attending university overseas. My younger sister is adopted and has had several mental health battles. After her latest trip to the hospital in the summer of 2019, she was hesitantly diagnosed with BPD. Because she is a minor, doctors are hesitant to give an official diagnosis, but all signs point to BPD.

I am here because I am very scared for my younger sister and I am worried for the health of my family members. I mainly feel as though all energy and support goes to my sister, but as I watch my sister get medical attention (for which I am grateful), I also see the worry-lines deepen in my parents' faces, their pocket strings get tighter, and witness more sleepless nights and tense air.

It reminds me of the airplane safety talk the stuartesses give before the flight takes-off. In the event of a crash, grab and secure your own oxygen mask before you help others. This seems logical enough, but, in reality, what parent would help themselves before their child? I do not know, as I am not yet a parent, but my parents definitely would help my sister and I before themselves... for better or for worse...

For so long, I knew that my family was not "typical", but honestly... whose is? It was not until talking through my life with my friend, that she commented how upsetting and difficult it must be. This struck me. I mean, I did realize every little task was a battle with my sister, my parents' were depressed and stressed beyond measurable belief... but this was just my life. I did not know it any other way. Thus, I am realizing, with the support of my therapist, that my sister's BPD is also mine, it is my mothers, my fathers, it is the whole family's. It has impacted us in every way imaginable, from deciding whether or not to attend a Christmas party with our extended family, to the TV we watch, to my parents ability to work, to the town we live in.

I am not sure completely where I am going with this, but perhaps the therapy is just in the practice of writing it out. All I know now is that BPD is larger than I knew, more omnipresent and far-reaching than I knew, and more detrimental than I knew. I hope to find a community on here of other family's with children that have BPD. I hope to learn more about how to support my younger sister, but also how to support my parents' who have given all of themselves for my sisters' health in sacrifice of their own.

[Turkish]

Hello PipsBigSister,



I'm glad that you reached out to us.   

I'm not BPD, but I'm adopted. We hung out with other adoptive families and I know we adoptees can be tough to raise.

Can you expand upon the feeling that your family was not "typical?" In what ways other than it sounds like the rest of you may have learned to orbit around your sister to keep the peace, I'm guessing.

[Methuen]

Hi Pipsbigsister

In the event of a crash, grab and secure your own oxygen mask before you help others. This seems logical enough, but, in reality, what parent would help themselves before their child?

I think this is how anyone would think who has not been worn down to the bone by a loved one with BPD.

However, you are already noting your concern about your parents, their deepening worry lines, stretched pocket books, and sleepless nights.  As the BPD behaviors progress, the physical and emotional health and wellness of the caregiving "non" also deteriorates.  When we, the loved ones, become too stressed to manage our own health, what happens to our own decision making, problem solving, and other cognitive processes?  To put it another way, how can we help someone in trouble, if we can't even help ourselves?

Your analogy of the airplane safety talk reminding parents to put on their own oxygen masks before their child's is dead on.  We talk a lot about self-care here.  Self care isn't selfish.  Self care prevents burnout, so that we can continue to care for our loved one.  In this way, self care is also self-less, not selfish.  This is a nudge to think about this a little bit differently.  Your parents will have to find a way to care for themselves, and also find time for each other, to stay healthy, so they can support your sister (and you).   You can support them and remind them to put their own oxygen mask on first, to this end.  

Burnout is real.  It can also have devastating and unpredictable results.  I no longer  believe there is such a thing as sacrificing ones own health for someone else's because BPD is not a short term illness, and the problem will not go away, therefore sacrificing one's own health is not sustainable.  

Thus, I am realizing, with the support of my therapist, that my sister's BPD is also mine, it is my mothers, my fathers, it is the whole family's. It has impacted us in every way imaginable, from deciding whether or not to attend a Christmas party with our extended family, to the TV we watch, to my parents ability to work, to the town we live in.

This is really powerful, and accurate.

The pwBPD in my life is my mother, not my sibling.  I am an only child, and my father has passed.  There is no other family within 800 miles, and even they wouldn't be available to help.  I can say from experience, that unless the caregiver is able to look after and care for themselves, they will not be able to to support their BPD loved one.  You will also need to find the strength to look after yourself, and live your own life. 

[Garnet]

My younger sister has borderline as well. When my sister was a teenager, I think normal teenager development made her (at the time unrecognized) borderline worse. There is no way to be certain, but I hope that in addition to all the energy that your parents are putting into her recovery, that some of this will lessen in severity with time. Impulse-control and emotional regulation are developing in this time.

I’m pretty new here myself, but I think you and I have a similar experience. No one else in my family seems to show borderline.