Advice on speaking to my partner about BPD

[PaddedWalls]

Hi, I just discovered this site yesterday and came to the conclusion this may be a good place to ask for advice. I discovered recently that my fiance may have BPD and have been absolutely consumed with learning about it as much as I can and to make sure I'm not just using this as an excuse to blame her for our issues. I have read quite a few articles on it, read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' listened to every podcast I could find and have spoken to a therapist. Unfortunately, the more I learn the more I see that she most likely has BPD. Of course, I will lay awake at night still thinking I'm wrong and she does not have BPD. Obviously it's because I don't want it to be so.

I wish I could continue ignoring and just tolerating the outburst, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not being fair to myself tolerating it. Before I knew this was BPD I ignorantly thought I would find a way to communicate with her that would prevent these outburst. I see now that is not ever going to happen and if we're going to continue this relationship, we need help. What I am looking for is how can I bring up to my partner that we need outside help. How have others brought therapy up to their significant others? I've read some ideal scenarios but they seem very idealist and to not bring up that you think they have BPD, you side step around it I guess. I want to know how other's partner's reacted when they were asked to go to therapy. Were there blowouts? If it worked and they were accepting of the idea, how did you word it? Were they more accepting to going to couples therapy or individual therapy?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Autumn14]

Hi, I'm new to the site as well. I don't know that I have the answers  you're looking for, but I'm happy to share my experience.

My husband went through a series of misdiagnoses before landing on Bipolar Disorder, which finally felt right to us at the time. He began seeing a psychiatrist and we saw a therapist for couple's therapy. Sometime into this treatment, it seemed like something was still missing. His behavior wasn't changing and the therapy seemed to be a waste of time. He said all the right things and was great for a day, and then right back to the problematic behaviors and emotional dysregulation. The more I researched Bipolar Disorder, the more I understood there was a discernible difference in a person when they experienced depression or mania and  when they were stable. My husband was never stable. There was never a break. That's when I happened upon BPD, which explained the consistent mood and attitude problems he was exhibiting. 

How did I get him to see the BPD? Before the BPD diagnosis, he sought the help of a psychiatrist and therapist because our marriage was in terrible trouble and I set the boundary that he needed to seek help. Much later when I brought up the idea that he could have a personality disorder such as BPD, he was very resistant and angry. Finally, in one of our couple's sessions with a fabulous psychologist, he asked her if she thought he was suffering from BPD. Our marriage was in complete shambles at this point, there was so much fighting and a complete lack of intimacy or communication that I was again talking divorce. She told him that she believed suffered from Bipolar Disorder AND DBT. Because he liked and respected her, he accepted that. He has been working on it ever since through individual therapy and a DBT group. It's a long and difficult journey, I wish you well.