Husband's BPD Behaviors

[Autumn14]

My husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and BPD after a long road of misdiagnoses. Much of our conflict revolves around behaviors that I’m not seeing discussed as frequently. He doesn’t rage, he seethes. When he seethes, his body language and energy change, he shuts down communication by giving one-word answers or going silent, and he insists he isn’t angry. He is generally argumentative, to the point that he takes the opposite to me, despite what he really thinks and believes. We have had many arguments only for him to admit we are actually on the same page. Our communication is either shallow or non-existent. He is an island unto himself and so many of our problems would improve if he would let me know how he is feeling. Is anyone else experiencing these things? Do you have any suggestions for responding to these behaviors?

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[pursuingJoy]

He doesn’t rage, he seethes.

He is generally argumentative, to the point that he takes the opposite to me, despite what he really thinks and believes.

We have had many arguments only for him to admit we are actually on the same page. Our communication is either shallow or non-existent.

so many of our problems would improve if he would let me know how he is feeling.

These are behaviors I deal with in my husband. When my H seethes, it's like he's full of acid, but too full so it spills out. He doesn't rage, but it spills and splatters and hurts me and our kids. I don't know what to do with him, other than leave him alone as much as possible.

And the argumentative attitude. This has been really bad lately. I've learned to stop feeding the argument and find something he's saying to validate. I agree, or allow the conversation to go down a little path that he feels good about. I then close it out until a later time.

My husband refuses to acknowledge that he is every angry. To be honest, he can't describe a range of emotions. It's very narrow. Everything negative is described as 'frustration.' He cannot explain what he feels, and he isn't practiced at doing so. It also makes it hard for him to empathize with me or the kids. Sometimes he'll say they're making excuses.

[JaneWrites]

This is most of my experience as well with my uBPDh. The seething occasionally goes into rages, but seething is most of the time. The kids and I have gotten very good at noticing the initial changes in the tone of his voice or noticing when a comment seems "off" that will start a period of seething/dysregulation.

Also, I think he and I are generally on the same page with world events and ideas about stuff in general, but he enjoys drawing me into conversations where he drills down to minute details of public policy or whatever just to have an argument with me when I don't know the deep dive of whatever he's talking about. I think it also stems from him hyper-focusing on certain issues right now.

Good times.

[Autumn14]

Good times indeed!

Thank-you both for responding.

When my husband seethes, it seeps out as well. Usually in passive aggressive actions or comments. He is extremely indirect, another aspect that affects our communication negatively. I know I need to learn coping skills so that I don't go down the argument rabbit hole with him, but his illogical combativeness is a trigger for me. Why can't we just have a normal conversation? Not everything we talk about is an emotionally charged issue, but he makes it that way. It's so hard! And I don't see how I can validate his feelings when he is being oppositional for the sake of being oppositional, I feel like that would reward his behavior? I set a boundary that if he becomes argumentative or defensive, I end the conversation and take space for myself. Lately I've had an abundance of space and alone time, . But it seems to work. I just hope we can get to a place where I don't need to constantly separate from him just to have a conversation. It gets pretty lonely.

[pursuingJoy]

I set a boundary that if he becomes argumentative or defensive, I end the conversation and take space for myself. Lately I've had an abundance of space and alone time, . But it seems to work. I just hope we can get to a place where I don't need to constantly separate from him just to have a conversation. It gets pretty lonely.

Love your boundary. Stepping away works for me too.

I get feeling lonely. Married loneliness is harder than single loneliness, IMO. It sounds like you're wanting more connection and intimacy. Am I getting that right? Is that something you can verbalize to H?

[Autumn14]

You are definitely getting that right. I have verbalized too many times to count that I want more intimacy and connection. He has a very difficult time being vulnerable, it's something he is discussing in his DBT group. It's so difficult for him, he gave me attitude this week instead of just telling me he was mentally exhausted from work. Rather than talk, he acts out.

I agree, marriage loneliness infinitely tougher.

[JaneWrites]

I know I need to learn coping skills so that I don't go down the argument rabbit hole with him, but his illogical combativeness is a trigger for me. Why can't we just have a normal conversation?

Yes - this was me for YEARS.

I think I'm a few months ahead of you on this particular journey. When did you start figuring out BPD? I'm just not triggered anymore as it's soo predictable and explained now. I still don't know how to manage much very well and it's still so depressing and difficult, but the illogical combativeness doesn't trigger me anymore in the same way. It's super deflating and obviously still a problem because there's someone wanting to fight you all the time, but I feel absolutely no need to argue anymore. "Whatever, dude." (Though you can't actually say that out loud or even have it expressed on your face because you'll invalidate them more and, you know, escalate the situation).

[start_again]

It's so difficult for him, he gave me attitude this week instead of just telling me he was mentally exhausted from work. Rather than talk, he acts out.

I can identify with the attitude and acting out.  What I try to work on is my attitude, do I have an attitude of caring or do I have an attitude of just waiting for the shoe to drop so I can say to myself see it is all your fault.    I am Responsible  for my feelings and what I can do for how I feel.  My feelings are not my SO responsibility...