So confused

[Rollercoasting]

This is my first visit to this community.  I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years.  We are unmarried but we have a 4 year old daughter.  He is undiagnosed but has many of the traits of bpd.  Last weekend unprovoked, his mood went south and he spent saturday and sunday in his room (as he has stopped sleeping with me).  My daughter wanted to play in her room and when i suggest we go to the living room she whispered that she didnt want to leave her room because daddy was grouchy.  It broke my heart to hear that, i dont want my four year old to walk on eggshells.  Ive been going to therapy on my own and the therapist suggests that i leave until he seeks help because he can be very emotionally well, abusive. Gosh it hurts to write that.  So i have been staying with family for four days now and told him that unless he seeks help for his mood swings we cant continue on.  He responded that all he does is work and give give give while i enjoy the free ride and blame him for problems and should he tell our daughter when he is being silent that it's because he can't stand her mom? Uggh he hasnt apologized or really said much to me other than asking to come pick up our daughter.  I want to stay and work on things but i just dont know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Rollercoasting and welcome! You will find a supportive community here full of people who have extremely similar, often identical experiences to you. Between going to stay with family and making your first post, it seems like you're at a turning point.

Dealing with a partner withBPD or BPD traits can be an excuciating ordeal, especially when there are children involved (I have a 4 year old daughter myself in addition to a 7 year old son). While children can at times bring out the best in a difficult partner, they can often be a catalyst for the worst.

Besides the silent treatment, would you care to describe your partner's emotionally abusive behavior in more detail?

~RolandOfEld

[Rollercoasting]

Well, in the very beginning it was the cliche, i was the best thing that ever happened,  wish we'd met sooner,  love me so much, happy to be with me relationship.  It quickly evolved into him telling me im not his type and he's not in love with me.   I used to cry and feel sick and try to change every thing about myself that he would say for example, im spoiled, disrespectful, two faced, back stabbing etc.  Ive been loyal throughout our entire relationship.   He repeatedly tells me that its torture being with me and that hes wanted to leave me since before our daughter was born.  He is originally from cali and has no family here besides our daughter and has been without them since 1997.  I know his childhood was abusive and rough,  single mother who kicked him out in highscool for smoking weed, leaving him literally on the curb with no family.  He dropped out of school and got a job to take care of himself.  When he isnt dysregulated, he will say that he is sorry for the way he is and that he loves me and im a good person.  He is extremely empathetic towards those that cant fend for themselves like kids, elderly etc but always says that everybody are backstabbers who smile in his face and talk bad about him when he's not around.   He tells me that i blame him for everything and play the victim role, he thinks that i talk bad about him and that i do the same in therapy.  When things get out of whack between us he says he wants to move out and doesn't want to be miserable the rest of his life.   I tell him that i love him and want to work things out and he says hes heard it all before.  He usually tells me that he feels like he has to do everything while i just sit around.   The house is never clean or organized enough for his standards.   He tells me not to touch him when i make contact and started sleeping separately from me during pregnancy.  We are intimate in cycles, sometimes very frequently and other times weeks apart.   He tells me that our relationship isn't normal as we don't hold hands, kiss, do things together and that he's been happy in relationships before.  I pointed out that we've been together since we're 19 so was he a kid during these happy relationships? And my question us skirted.
 He doesn't like to go places because he doesn't want to be around people.   Usually stays home alone on Holidays.  He takes it as a personal attack when my family members make small talk and ask him where he's working etc.  (He thinks they are asking because they assume he isnt working and is a freeloader but really its just the usual banter) he says everbody thinks he's an asshole.  He had family that tried to reach out to him periodically but decided to change his phone number and cut off contact because he doesn't agree with the way they talk about their own kids (mainly). His mom used to badmouth him and im sure she was mentally ill undiagnosed as well) but has since passed away in her early 50s).  He drinks pretty much daily and started at 12.  He does work everyday and says i just have to have something to complain about.  Sometimes i feel like im waiting for crumbs of love and question my life.  I try not to take things personally but damn its hard.   Today he reached out to ask me to bring our daughter to him and i told him that we were planning on returning home because her first day of prekindergarten is tomorrow and she hasn't been sleeping well since we havent been home.  When we got here it was just back to the roommate-esque lifestyle, friendly but no apologies and went to bed in his room without saying goodnight.   I have therapy again tomorrow and the therapist thinks that i need to take my daughter and apply for full custody because he is emotionally abusive and unwilling to seek treatment or acknowledge his role.  Besides the hurtful silent treatment towards us, he isnt violent and doesn't yell.  He sometimes says i should just leave and get him for child supporr because he knows thats what i really want to do anyhow.   He tells me i should move out because he's been telling me that he's not happy and doesn't want to be miserable any longer.   I ask him why he doesn't leave if he's so unhappy and he says it would be easy for me to just go to my moms and that i only want to make it hard for him since i cant afford where we live on my own if he leaves.   I tell him i would have to have somebody move in with me if he leaves and he says oh so that's been ur plan all along? Uggh...hes supposedly looked at different apartments here and there throughout the years but never goes through with it and then we're back to "normal" for awhile.  He gets me thoughtful gifts for holidays and birthdays etc..says im the only person he trusts and that I'm a good mom and the smartest person he knows.  The main theme in our relationship is that he says he doesnt like to pick up after me and doesnt want to be with someone who has to be told to do things.  Our house is the cleanest of anyone i know but he'll tell me that the basement has cobwebs and the garage isnt organized so he'd rather be alone and have things the way he wants.  Lets say i do extra around the house so there is literally nothing to pick out,  he'll say that he doesnt understand how i can be happy with the way things are and that he is always trying to make things better. Ive had a couple open heart surgeries in the past and don't work.   I express to him that the things that bother him don't seem bad to me and that as long as i have him and our daughter in my life i don't need anything else.   He usually responds that he's heard it all before and he's not interested in going to therapy because he already knows what he wants and isnt the one asking for help. I point out im worried, love him, want to be happy with him and just don't know what to do.  And the rollercoasting continues.

[Rollercoasting]

Well, in the very beginning it was the cliche, i was the best thing that ever happened,  wish we'd met sooner,  love me so much, happy to be with me relationship.  It quickly evolved into him telling me im not his type and he's not in love with me.   I used to cry and feel sick and try to change every thing about myself that he would say for example, im spoiled, disrespectful, two faced, back stabbing etc.  Ive been loyal throughout our entire relationship.   He repeatedly tells me that its torture being with me and that hes wanted to leave me since before our daughter was born.  He is originally from cali and has no family here besides our daughter and has been without them since 1997.  I know his childhood was abusive and rough,  single mother who kicked him out in highscool for smoking weed, leaving him literally on the curb with no family.  He dropped out of school and got a job to take care of himself.  When he isnt dysregulated, he will say that he is sorry for the way he is and that he loves me and im a good person.  He is extremely empathetic towards those that cant fend for themselves like kids, elderly etc but always says that everybody are backstabbers who smile in his face and talk bad about him when he's not around.   He tells me that i blame him for everything and play the victim role, he thinks that i talk bad about him and that i do the same in therapy.  When things get out of whack between us he says he wants to move out and doesn't want to be miserable the rest of his life.   I tell him that i love him and want to work things out and he says hes heard it all before.  He usually tells me that he feels like he has to do everything while i just sit around.   The house is never clean or organized enough for his standards.   He tells me not to touch him when i make contact and started sleeping separately from me during pregnancy.  We are intimate in cycles, sometimes very frequently and other times weeks apart.   He tells me that our relationship isn't normal as we don't hold hands, kiss, do things together and that he's been happy in relationships before.  I pointed out that we've been together since we're 19 so was he a kid during these happy relationships? And my question is skirted.
 He doesn't like to go places because he doesn't want to be around people.   Usually stays home alone on Holidays.  He takes it as a personal attack when my family members make small talk and ask him where he's working etc.  (He thinks they are asking because they assume he isnt working and is a freeloader but really its just the usual banter) he says everbody thinks he's an asshole.  He had family that tried to reach out to him periodically but decided to change his phone number and cut off contact because he doesn't agree with the way they talk about their own kids (mainly). His mom used to badmouth him and im sure she was mentally ill undiagnosed as well) but has since passed away in her early 50s).  He drinks pretty much daily and started at 12.  He does work everyday and says i just have to have something to complain about.  Sometimes i feel like im waiting for crumbs of love and question my life.  I try not to take things personally but damn its hard.   Today he reached out to ask me to bring our daughter to him and i told him that we were planning on returning home because her first day of prekindergarten is tomorrow and she hasn't been sleeping well since we havent been home.  When we got here it was just back to the roommate-esque lifestyle, friendly but no apologies and went to bed in his room without saying goodnight.   I have therapy again tomorrow and the therapist thinks that i need to take my daughter and apply for full custody because he is emotionally abusive and unwilling to seek treatment or acknowledge his role.  I really don't want to be without him but worry about how it's impacting our daughter.  He is a great dad,  attentive, playful, reassuring, neither of us yell or spank.  However, he  seems to take it personally when she is whiny or in a tantrum-y mood ya know, normal 4 year old development) He'll say how can she act like that when she has everything she needs and gets everything she wants and doesn't want her to be a spoiled brat like her mom.   I just reassure her that if daddy seems grouchy it's not because of us, maybe he's having a bad day or doesn't feel good.  I express to him that he can't do that (silence thing) and if something is wrong we should talk about it. She cries that she doesnt want to stay with daddy because he is grouchy sometimes if i have an appt. or something. Im conflicted as to how much of that is because im the "yes" parent between us.
  He sometimes says i should just leave and get him for child support because he knows thats what i really want to do anyhow.   He tells me i should move out because he's been telling me that he's not happy and doesn't want to be miserable any longer.   I ask him why he doesn't leave if he's so unhappy and he says it would be easy for me to just go to my moms and that i only want to make it hard for him since i cant afford where we live on my own if he leaves.  I tell him i would have to have somebody move in with me if he leaves and he says oh so that's been ur plan all along? Uggh...hes supposedly looked at different apartments here and there throughout the years but never goes through with it and then we're back to "normal" for awhile.  He gets me thoughtful gifts for holidays and birthdays etc..says im the only person he trusts and that I'm a good mom/person.  The main theme in our relationship is that he says he doesnt like to pick up after me and doesnt want to be with someone who has to be told to do things like a kid.  Our house is the cleanest of anyone i know but he'll tell me that the basement has cobwebs and the garage isnt organized so he'd rather be alone and have things the way he wants.  Lets say i do extra around the house so there is literally nothing to pick out, he'll say that he doesnt understand how i can be happy with the way things are and that he is always trying to make things better. Ive had a couple open heart surgeries in the past and don't work.   I express to him that the things that bother him don't seem bad to me and that as long as i have him and our daughter in my life i don't need anything else.   He usually responds that he's heard it all before and he's not interested in going to therapy because he already knows what he wants and isnt the one asking for help. I point out im worried, love him, want to be happy with him and just don't know what to do.  And the rollercoasting continues.  Actually before we left for those few days,  we were taking a drive and stopped  to watch this outdoor dance recital that was taking place down the road.  Everything was fine. Intermission came little one wanted to go to the park.  There was a lady walking her dog across the lot heading in the same direction we were.   Im slowly driving behind blinded by the sun and he says jeez are you going to pull up more or run her over? I said the suns in my eyes i am pulling up.  CLICK mood switches.  i hear a huff and puff from passenger seat and he says just drop me off  at home.  She asks, you're not coming to the park dad? He says no, we drop him off, i take her to the park alone and he is in his bed when we get home.  He barely talks on Saturday besides to come to her room and say jeez tell mom you aren't a prisoner you don't have to stay in your room.   I tell him that she said she didn't want to come out because dad's grouchy and he's like "all she does is whine ,what am i supposed to do" and goes back to his room again.  Didnt talk to us but short flat answers on Sunday.  Don't really remember what Monday was like.   Told him he should explain to her it's not her fault when he's quiet etc he texts me STFU but then acts normal when he gets home from work.   Tuesday he was trying hard to be nice saying im precious cargo and telling our babe that they gotta take
good care of me.  I had therapy that day though and after explaining the dance recital/silent situation she advises me that i shouldn't have my daughter in a toxic situation that she can't control and I'm the stable one of the parents and that our home is already broken and that I'm giving her the model for what relationships should be.   Overcome with guilt hearing the things from the therapist,   I text SO that i put my name on an apartment waiting list and plan on staying with my mom until they call me.  That things can't be the same and i don't want our babe walking on eggshells.  He responds i must like ruining his day and that i sound stupid telling him things can't be the same when he's the one who wants to move out.  And that he "can't stand none of you mf-ing pigs) i say i tell you im worried about your mood swings and u respond with anger?   After a couple days i text that i miss and love him but that i don't think he realizes the damage he causes with his words and that he wouldn't want someone talking to our daughter the way he talks to me.   No response until asking me to drop her off to him today but we both came back  (school tomorrow as mentioned).