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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Trying to survive and keep moving forward Part 2  (Read 537 times)
brighter future
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« on: August 21, 2020, 01:11:48 PM »

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345270.0

I'm coming up on 4.5 months being out of the two year relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, and I think I'm making decent progress. Last week my counselor stepped me down to every other week sessions instead of weekly sessions. She said she's noticed a big improvement in my mood, self-awareness, and my outlook for the future. I feel like I still have a fair amount of work left to do on myself, but I'm getting there slowly but surely.

I'm continuing to do my evening hikes (usually over two miles each evening) in the woods at the local park after dinner as long as the weather permits. This has been a huge outlet for me and has helped my mood tremendously. I've found that I sleep better at night after I've taken these hikes, and I'm feeling better physically and mentally as well.  It sure beats sitting in the house doing nothing after dinner until I go to bed. Sometimes my child goes with me on these hikes and other times I go by myself. When I'm alone it's not uncommon for to talk quietly to myself processing my thoughts while I'm walking.

I actually saw my ex-g/f for the first time yesterday in close to two months. I'd been outside working in the yard and had been in the house for about 5 minutes. I was doing some things in the front room and saw her pull in at her parent's house next door. My mother had seen her in passing out in town last week and said she looked horrible and had put on a tremendous amount of weight since she's seen her just before our breakup. Anyway, I crouched down in front of the window and watched her get out of the car with her children. She was dressed up, so she was no doubt going on a date with Mr. Rebound. Anyway, seeing her confirmed what my mother had said to me last week. She has put on a massive amount of weight in 4 months and was actually wearing a long sleeve cover-up in the dead heat of summer that came down to her thighs. How she could stand wearing that over her outfit in the dead of summer is beyond me. A friend of mine said she figured that my ex was probably getting self-conscious of her weight, and the cover-up might be her way of trying to hide how much weight she's put on. Her face and neck was also swollen. It was really sad to see her like that. I can honestly say that seeing her like that makes me sad, but it doesn't hit me with extreme grief and anxiety like it did 3-4 months ago, so I guess I'm making progress. A part of me still misses the good times we had, while a bigger part of me is glad that I no longer have to deal with all of the unhealthy parts of the relationship.

Come to find out, she was apparently there to drop her kids off with her parents so she could pull an all-nighter with Mr. Rebound. The kids walked in with their overnight bags, and she left 30 minutes later by herself and never returned.  Her birthday is tomorrow, so she must have had big plans with him last night. She never had to do that when we dated. If the all kids were with us at the time, we all went out together and did things together. We never pawned our kids off on others to go out and have fun.  She seems to want this guy all to herself and has no impulse control. I guess she has a more aggressive plan for him to get him roped in more quickly for marriage. Her complaint to a family member about me was that I "was not a risk taker." Funny thing is, this family member (and even my counselor) said that I took a huge risk on her just by being in a relationship with her. I doubt my ex feels that way, though.

I may have already stated that family member of hers told me my ex started hitting the rebound up for marriage 2-3 weeks ago. He said marriage scared him. For his sake, hopefully it continues to scare him for the remainder of their relationship. Once again, I'm thankful it's not me. I still do feel terrible for her two kids that are left behind to deal with all of this insanity and will be hurt again when and if this new relationship blows up. I was told that they still miss me, and I (and my child) still miss them as well. I had the choice of walking away, but they don't have that choice unfortunately.

« Last Edit: August 24, 2020, 09:09:17 PM by I Am Redeemed, Reason: added link to OP from which this thread was split » Logged
FindingMe2011
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« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2020, 08:06:03 PM »

She told me several times (and even in front of the kids) that I was her soulmate and the man of her dreams.

She meant this, dont doubt it. You were the knight in shining armor. She, whom ever she thought you wanted her to be. Until she wasnt. This is part of the illness because in reality there are no soulmates. Its a loaded term that can mean many things. Give me somebody that exhibits CONSISTENCY, i would now pick them everytime, before this didnt mean so much. Im wondering what your children thought. Setting a pecking order, so to speak. These are r/s that require serving on both parts. I stopped serving and got a divorce, that I now consider a gift.

I feel like part of my relationship with her was very real, while the other part was an illusion that was never really there to begin with.

Because this is exactly what it was, partly reality, mostly fantasy.....You dont control mental illness, you either conform or become discarded. We all want the happily ever after. Unfortunately this doesnt come without sacrifices, just as all things that truly make you happy. We think its the Cinderella story. They will turn it into Bonnie and Clyde, Romeo and Juliet. They dont end so well.

She maintained that right up until the very end when I told her that we couldn't proceed with an engagement until we sorted out our emotional baggage

You were now the persecutor in her eyes. You, just trying to help because you care. She obviously knows this is an impossible task, as of now. The ball is in her court. Now it will take actions on her part and what you should expect. She needs to do this, on her own and for herself. Just as you are doing now.

Five or so days later on the telephone after the breakup, she told me we were essentially incompatible, blamed me that she was alone and financially desperate, blamed me because she wanted me intimately and was doing without sex waiting on marriage/engagement, and told me that I dragged her down, etc.

Dont hang on these words. Its typical of the illness as the persecutor, you must be punished. The illness knows your weaknesses and will challenge your morals. Some probably true, but mostly false. She is using rebound, to form a self, as for now he is the new, knight in shining armor. How long this lasts, nobody knows. I believe the more dysfunctional he is, the longer it will last. One day you will be grateful, its not you.

Her family member said it will be interesting to see if she starts to devalue him now that she knows he has no marriage intentions in the immediate future.

Checking up and asking her family members to join a game of triangulation will not serve you well if detachment is the goal. This will create the hope and uncertainty game. Its circular and doesnt end.

I removed her from my social media about 9 weeks ago and have not heard anything from her since. I've had a couple of people tell me that all of our profile pictures together and vacation pictures all remain on her page.

Congrats on the 9 weeks.......Maybe now, ask friends to respect your wishes to not inform you about her life, youre now focusing on yours and this is counter productive for now. They will hang on to things to long for, dont do the same. It will make it more difficult to move forward. Forward is a bit of an unknown, but it something different, and this is what you want/need.

'm coming up on 4.5 months being out of the two year relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, and I think I'm making decent progress.

Time is not the key here. Do this to yourself and youre bound to miss something. I did a few times but maybe it is the process. Be patient you didnt get here in 1 day.  It will take as long as it needs to. There is no finish line and maintenance is required. For me its a daily thing, just as typing these words to you. So thank you also.....If you believe youre making progress, then you are. If you ever feel stuck. Do something different.

I'm continuing to do my evening hikes (usually over two miles each evening) in the woods at the local park after dinner as long as the weather permits. This has been a huge outlet for me and has helped my mood tremendously. I've found that I sleep better at night after I've taken these hikes, and I'm feeling better physically and mentally as well.  It sure beats sitting in the house doing nothing after dinner until I go to bed. Sometimes my child goes with me on these hikes and other times I go by myself. When I'm alone it's not uncommon for to talk quietly to myself processing my thoughts while I'm walking.

Congrats, you are helping you. Youre releasing chemicals that create the positive things in life. Continue this, it also becomes addictive. Best family conversations will happen in these settings. Keep processing, searching for truth, you will find it. It will take patients and understanding. You are creeping this way.

but it doesn't hit me with extreme grief and anxiety like it did 3-4 months ago, so I guess I'm making progress.

You are, and rest assure this visit was meant for you. A feeler to see if you nibbled with a perfect excuse as cover. Welcome to the world of recycling. Some long for this to happen. This could occur within days, years, and decades in some instances. Sometimes they find the right kind of crazy, and live happily ever after, supposedly. I see different. Been around a decade for me. Ive seen the ex, shes not doing so well. Her choice

I had the choice of walking away, but they don't have that choice unfortunately.

Unfortunately this didnt work out as planned. From what I see, youre doing whats best for yourself and your children. These are the only individuals you truly can save. Stay the course, youre in calmer waters now. How much calmer they become is up to you. I wish you well, Peace



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brighter future
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2020, 08:53:40 AM »

@FindingMe2011


She meant this, dont doubt it. You were the knight in shining armor. She, whom ever she thought you wanted her to be. Until she wasnt. This is part of the illness because in reality there are no soulmates. Its a loaded term that can mean many things. Give me somebody that exhibits CONSISTENCY, i would now pick them everytime, before this didnt mean so much. Im wondering what your children thought. Setting a pecking order, so to speak. These are r/s that require serving on both parts. I stopped serving and got a divorce, that I now consider a gift.

It's funny that you mention consistency. Last Fall she was flip flopping back and forth on a few different things in regards to our relationship. I took note of that and respectfully told her that it was frustrating to me that she kept going back and forth on several different things, and I essentially said that I didn't know if I was coming or going in the relationship due to the confusion. I said "I'm just looking for a little consistency from you." She said in reply, "I am not consistent, nor do I want to me. I want to grown and change every day." In regards to the children, I had a brief conversation with her 7 year old son when we were alone for a few minutes gathering firewood for a campfire last year. He said, "I like it when you are around. You are good for my mom because you help her to be calm."  This little boy has a lot of anger towards his mother, and she has a hard time controlling him. I believe it's because she is out of control as well. Her 12 year old daughter is highly depressed, and I've heard that she took our breakup hard and that she is upset with her mother for that and also for moving on to someone else so quickly. The daughter has also been doing self-harm by cutting on her body. Last I knew she was trying to get her into a counselor, but I have no idea if she's seen one yet or not. This little girl asked me in early February when I was going to marry her mother and that she wanted us to be a family. It's so heartbreaking, but I couldn't imagine exposing my own child to all of this disfunction.


Because this is exactly what it was, partly reality, mostly fantasy.....You dont control mental illness, you either conform or become discarded. We all want the happily ever after. Unfortunately this doesnt come without sacrifices, just as all things that truly make you happy. We think its the Cinderella story. They will turn it into Bonnie and Clyde, Romeo and Juliet. They dont end so well.

You are correct once again. I didn't conform to her "get engaged/married our I'm out" ultimatum until she dealt with her issues.  Instead I was discarded two weeks later for Mr. Rebound. As I mentioned before, he is the identical twin brother to her high school sweetheart from 18-20 years ago. More fantasy on her part. A lot of us believe she thinks in part that she's with her former HS b/f because the brother looks just like him. The brother/rebound is the same guy she told me she had a six week affair with prior to our relationship. She broke it off with him to start seeing me.  She said the relationship was strictly a rebound for her and meant nothing. Now he is the best thing that ever s##t a brick. He will likely meet a similar fate if he doesn't conform.


You were now the persecutor in her eyes. You, just trying to help because you care. She obviously knows this is an impossible task, as of now. The ball is in her court. Now it will take actions on her part and what you should expect. She needs to do this, on her own and for herself. Just as you are doing now.

Yes, I saw a big shift in her attitude toward me when I told her we could not get engaged/married until our personal issues were dealt with and sorted out. I explained to her that I learned a hard lesson about that from my last marriage and didn't want to repeat the same mistakes again. I told her that I loved/respected her and the kids to much to put us all through that kind of pain. She disagreed of course. The day after our initial breakup, she changed her social media status to single then went off on her ex-husband on social media for everything that he'd done wrong in their marriage. It was very bizarre post, but I was not included in that tirade luckily. She dumped me the day before her anniversary of the divorce with her ex-husband.  


Dont hang on these words. Its typical of the illness as the persecutor, you must be punished. The illness knows your weaknesses and will challenge your morals. Some probably true, but mostly false. She is using rebound, to form a self, as for now he is the new, knight in shining armor. How long this lasts, nobody knows. I believe the more dysfunctional he is, the longer it will last. One day you will be grateful, its not you.

Those words hurt me badly for a couple of months following the breakup. Oddly enough we were chatting on the phone just shy of a week before the breakup. She stated to me that she was really struggling emotionally. I asked if it was due to me. She said she was frustrated with me because it was taking me so long to propose to her but said "very little of what I'm struggling with has anything to do with you." My counselor said this is probably the only true statement that she made to me at the end of the relationship. Five or so days after the breakup, everything was essentially my fault when we talked over the telephone. The rebound guy just got out of rehab sometime last year for alcohol abuse, so he's still trying to get his life back on track. I've heard he's had two failed marriages. The most recent one ended right before he hooked up with my ex for the first rebound over two years ago.  I'd say he has a fair amount of disfunction in his life, and I bet dealing with her issues will no doubt make his life harder as well as his recovery. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.  


Checking up and asking her family members to join a game of triangulation will not serve you well if detachment is the goal. This will create the hope and uncertainty game. Its circular and doesnt end.

Agreed. I do keep in touch with her folks because they are my neighbors. We discussed her in the two weeks following the breakup, but we haven't discussed her since then when we've spoken. Her father told me that I did the right thing by wanting to wait and sort out our issues. He stated to me that his daughter "has a lot of baggage."  The other two people individuals are extended family members of hers. When I speak with them now, her name occasionally comes up. The rest of the time we talk about other things not related to my ex.  During the first few months following the breakup, that was mostly what we talked about. Oddly enough, hearing about all of her erratic behavior after our breakup had the opposite effect on me. Instead of making me anxious and sad, it validated that I made the right decision to not follow through with engagement/marriage. These people have been good to me, and I'd like to keep them in my life. I do ask them occasionally to keep me posted on how the children are doing. Even they have stated that I dodged a bullet. All of my family members and personal friends have deleted my ex off of social media with the exception of one. They have stopped giving me play by play reports of what she's up to.  


Time is not the key here. Do this to yourself and youre bound to miss something. I did a few times but maybe it is the process. Be patient you didnt get here in 1 day.  It will take as long as it needs to. There is no finish line and maintenance is required. For me its a daily thing, just as typing these words to you. So thank you also.....If you believe youre making progress, then you are. If you ever feel stuck. Do something different.

I appreciate all of the advice and your time over the last month or so. You have been a tremendous help to me. Some of my family was very harsh towards me in the first six weeks or so following the breakup with my ex. They basically said that I just needed to get over it. All of them have been through breakups before, but none involving mental illness or BPD, so I don't feel like they could fully identify with what I've felt.




You are, and rest assure this visit was meant for you. A feeler to see if you nibbled with a perfect excuse as cover. Welcome to the world of recycling. Some long for this to happen. This could occur within days, years, and decades in some instances. Sometimes they find the right kind of crazy, and live happily ever after, supposedly. I see different. Been around a decade for me. Ive seen the ex, shes not doing so well. Her choice

I feel like a lot of her visits next door and social media posts (before I removed her) were for my benefit. When I saw her outside at her parents briefly two months ago, she made it a point to make direct eye contact with me then smile and wave like I was her best friend and that nothing negative had happened between us. I could barely muster a wave before I turned and walked the other way.  She stated to me the last time that we spoke in early May that she "wanted to stay in touch and be friends." I guess that's her way of keeping the door partially open. I removed her from social media 2-3 weeks later. That was painful for me to do fearing that I would hurt her feelings. But it's like my counselor said, "You're doing that for your mental health. She's moved on to another guy thinking that's going to be her fix, but it's not."  I don't think things are as rosy with her as she'd like me and others to believe considering her extreme weight gain. She's used sex and alcohol in the past as coping mechanisms, and it's likely she's using food now and probably sex with the rebound guy. Her extended family describes her behavior as "very flighty."  


Unfortunately this didnt work out as planned. From what I see, youre doing whats best for yourself and your children. These are the only individuals you truly can save. Stay the course, youre in calmer waters now. How much calmer they become is up to you. I wish you well, Peace

Yes, they definitely didn't work out as planned. As I said earlier, I'm glad that I didn't follow through with marriage and expose my daughter to all of their disfunction. She's in a good place emotionally, and living under the same roof with them would not have been good for her. Plus, anything negative that would have happened there in that relationship with my child would have give my BPD ex-wife fodder for all of her disorders. She loves to stir things up.  I don't need that and avoid her at all costs unless it involves something absolutely necessary with the child that we have together. I'm definitely in calmer waters now. They are a bit lonely, but it's certainly better than the alternative!  
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2020, 07:57:18 PM »

"I am not consistent, nor do I want to be. I want to grow and change every day."

The raw truth, followed by distortion. I remember these days. I would just shake my head and move on.
The ever moving goal post. A built in excuse.......... Today it seems impossible to grow with a person, who is somebody else constantly. Ive tried a few times though out my life. Putting way too much emphasis on looks and sex, many times.


I'm definitely in calmer waters now. They are a bit lonely, but it's certainly better than the alternative

I can total relate to these words. For me I started to realize that I had been alone the whole time, to some degree. Getting back to my core, fixing what I could with newly acquired tools. Putting alot of things, I had always found confusing, in their proper place.  Understanding mental health and ways to practice, have also been helpful. Taking time to look for new tools. Changing my truth a little............Fast forward around 10 years. Im more alive and living, than ever before. Im dating, alone, but never lonely, I wish you well, Peace
« Last Edit: August 24, 2020, 08:14:49 PM by FindingMe2011 » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2020, 08:17:05 PM »

Finding me 2011.
  Yes my wife seems to be “preoccupied “,I was hoping to get my divorce finalized in this period,   today I finally received an email from her.
  Of course it’s about money. (Lack of it).
It wasn’t overly nasty, just had a tint of crappy comment.
 Threw my whole day off. Struggled with response and finally settled on “ok”.
  It’s just another issue I have to handle for myself that was inevitable anyway. (Healthcare cobra). I ain’t paying her half so it goes default(she is sending our daughter texts of her travels to Miami and Vegas but guilt trips me about health insurance dues)
  I had a thousand replies in my head but at this point does it really matter. Takes so long to move on in my head.
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brighter future
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2020, 12:39:23 PM »

@FindingMe2011,

"I am not consistent, nor do I want to be. I want to grow and change every day."

The raw truth, followed by distortion. I remember these days. I would just shake my head and move on.
The ever moving goal post. A built in excuse.......... Today it seems impossible to grow with a person, who is somebody else constantly. Ive tried a few times though out my life. Putting way too much emphasis on looks and sex, many times.

Well said once again. I tried so hard to be patient and understanding with her constantly shifting moods and viewpoints. First, it was the on again/off again intimacy issue due to her guilt in regards to premarital sex. Intimacy would be Ok with her for a few months, then it'd be off for 3-4 months.  I also think intimacy triggered her fear of abandonment, and I think it was also a method that she used to control me. Then there was the issue with her finishing college. She lacked about 15 credit hours from receiving a bachelor's, and she said she was going to take 1-2 semesters off. Shortly before our breakup, she said it was unlikely she'd return to finish the degree all while racking up close to 60k in tuition debt. Who knows how she's going to repay that. She has no real employment and just does odd jobs. I got her a temp position with my company last year where she could work up to 30 hours/week from home on a 12 month project. She did well, and my co-workers in that department said she was in the top 5 of the 30 temps they had on the project. After 6 months in October 2019, I was told that her quality of work remained good, but her hours fell to 10-15 per week on average and never improved much until the project ended about a month before we broke up. That period in October was when her mental illness became more visible to me and had a negative impact on her work and home life. She told me that she wanted to work more hours but "didn't have the mental energy for it." The other huge issue was that she wanted to have another child after we were married. I explained to her since I was in my mid-40's I wasn't sure that I wanted to take that on especially since we already had three kids between us (and also since she and her kids all were in bad shape emotionally). She initially agreed and said that her doctor said she faced certain health risks if she had another child and that it was probably good to just enjoy the kids that we were blessed with. Just before the breakup, she said that she felt it in her heart that she needed to have another child (my guess to fill her bottomless pit of emotional emptiness). Then there was her desire (and mine) to settle down in one place in a home of our own and provide happiness and stability for the kids and ourselves. At the time of our breakup, she stated to me that she "wanted to move all around and probably eventually leave the state" that we live in. That came out of nowhere and was totally irrational, especially due to the custody arrangement/parenting plan with her ex-husband. I also have majority custody of my daughter, but could never leave the state because of the allotted time my ex-wife has with our daughter. I tried explaining all of that to her but it went in one ear and out the other like she was totally checked out emotionally. What a roller coaster ride it was.

About a month leading up to our breakup, she kept comparing our relationship to the one she had with her ex-fiance 15 years earlier (before she got pregnant and before she met her ex-husband). He broke up with her unexpectedly 3 months into the engagement with not much of an explanation (my guess is that he really uncovered the mental illness) then she went on a 2 year pattern of self-destructive behavior. She said that she was as deeply in love with him as much as she was with me and was terrified that I was going to leave her prior to getting engaged/married just like the ex-fiance did. "Any good man that I've ever been involved with has left me" she said.  The day of our initial breakup and the days that we talked afterwards, she said that she was certain this would end up happening to us and that she couldn't bear to go through it again like she did 15 years earlier.   My head still spins at times thinking back to all of this instability.    



I'm definitely in calmer waters now. They are a bit lonely, but it's certainly better than the alternative

I can total relate to these words. For me I started to realize that I had been alone the whole time, to some degree. Getting back to my core, fixing what I could with newly acquired tools. Putting alot of things, I had always found confusing, in their proper place.  Understanding mental health and ways to practice, have also been helpful. Taking time to look for new tools. Changing my truth a little............Fast forward around 10 years. Im more alive and living, than ever before. Im dating, alone, but never lonely, I wish you well, Peace

I felt alone a good part of the time that she and I were together. She would be checked out emotionally and would actually tell me from time to time "I don't have the energy right now" when I wanted to get together, go out,  or talk on the phone in the evenings prior to going to bed. Several times we'd have stuff planned, but when it came down to actually doing it we'd just hang out in front of the TV or napping on the bed because she "just felt like being lazy." She said quite frequently "I feel like you put so much more into this relationship that I do. I feel bad." She was not always completely out of touch.  In around 10 years, I hope to be where you're at now. I'm more alive than I was the last several months I was with her and also for the first few months after the breakup. I do have my daughter, my mother, and several good friends around me. For that I am blessed. Maybe I will find someone nice to date when I'm more emotionally whole. I'm getting there a little bit at a time. Thanks again.    
« Last Edit: August 25, 2020, 12:53:42 PM by brighter future » Logged
FindingMe2011
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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2020, 02:49:48 PM »

First, it was the on again/off again intimacy issue due to her guilt in regards to premarital sex. Intimacy would be Ok with her for a few months, then it'd be off for 3-4 months.

For me, my intimacy issues helped me into this r/s. This person showered me with adoration. It took a mental illness to help me crawl out of a shell, so to speak...When I started growing, I wanted more. She was incapable. Tried many times, even though it could look as if she wasnt.

Intimacy would be Ok with her for a few months, then it'd be off for 3-4 months.  I also think intimacy triggered her fear of abandonment, and I think it was also a method that she used to control me.

Know that Intimacy always sparks abandonment with this illness. Its how it works. To some degree yes control, but you also gave this power, to avoid something.....The illness typically wants to be controlled, yet blames you for being controlling. The dance continues.

Then there was the issue with her finishing college. She lacked about 15 credit hours from receiving a bachelor's, and she said she was going to take 1-2 semesters off.

If shes with one, that believes this is important. Then this is what she would do. If not, then not.

Shortly before our breakup, she said it was unlikely she'd return to finish the degree all while racking up close to 60k in tuition debt. Who knows how she's going to repay that. She has no real employment and just does odd jobs. I got her a temp position with my company last year where she could work up to 30 hours/week from home on a 12 month project.

Unfortunately this is one of many travesties going on today. Degrees for jobs being sent over seas, or infiltrated with immigration. They have turned the U S into a service based economy. Many become managers at service industries with no hopes of being able to repay these loans. It has overtaken credit card debt, in 8 short years. The taxpayers on the hook, marxist colleges get theirs, the student left with debt. Now they want socialism to pay, not a good move history proves this. We will see.....................So with you not there to help her, how has she done?

she said that she was certain this would end up happening to us and that she couldn't bear to go through it again like she did 15 years earlier.   My head still spins at times thinking back to all of this instability.   

She knew. Those with heavy DSM5 traits appear to be hyper observant. They know behavior to a degree, mainly through trial and error. She was attracted to your being grounded, hoping you could take her there. Unfortunately this path doesnt exist for her, to reach this place. It would have to be done by herself and not many truly attempt.

The other huge issue was that she wanted to have another child after we were married.

A built in attachment, never too many

I explained to her since I was in my mid-40's I wasn't sure that I wanted to take that on

About same age, as when I started my journey. Kids were 10 and 12, didnt know how, but I knew it would be better. I was correct.

Then there was her desire (and mine) to settle down in one place in a home of our own and provide happiness and stability for the kids and ourselves.

Bet a dollar this was all yours, she just mirrored it to you. I was really young when i thought about the big house, white picket fence, loving wife, kids, animals.......When I got there, I wondered why I wasnt happy. It was my fantasy I thought I wanted. I was wrong. Genuine relationships seem to work these days. Doesnt cost a dime.

I felt alone a good part of the time that she and I were together

Same here. Obviously this is what I needed for my issues, I didnt care to see. If not, I wouldnt have been there to begin with. Not bad or good, just is. Dont regret a second as I type this. It was my path.

She said quite frequently "I feel like you put so much more into this relationship that I do. I feel bad.

More honesty impressive, my ex did this very seldom, she couldnt.

Maybe I will find someone nice to date when I'm more emotionally whole.

She is broken in two, until she finds attachment, then she is whole again. This time, no matter what it looks like, will end the same way. You are shattered, picking up the pieces, big difference no? When you find more of you, or what you have conceded, you will seek what you want and become more objective in decision making. It all starts with an idea. Consistency makes dreams come true. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2020, 10:47:41 AM »

For me, my intimacy issues helped me into this r/s. This person showered me with adoration. It took a mental illness to help me crawl out of a shell, so to speak...When I started growing, I wanted more. She was incapable. Tried many times, even though it could look as if she wasn't.

The divorce with my BPD ex-wife lasted nearly a year and a half. The custody end dragged out nearly 4.5 years beyond the divorce. We were in and out of court during that time period for motion hearing after motion hearing by her attorneys. Her attorneys wanted to avoid a full blown trial on the matter because of her mental illness. Their tactic was to stall...stall...stall. That's what it dragged out for so long. They were hoping she'd get healthier. During that time, I was a nervous wreck from all of the court proceedings, trying to be a single father all while working full-time. I did not date during that time period because I didn't have the emotional ability to do so, and I did not want to drag some innocent soul into that BS. It took it's toll on me, my family, and my friends. I couldn't imagine what it would have done to a significant other. My ex-g/f came along in 2018 before the final hearing on the custody matter in 2019. By then I was doing better but still a bit shattered. My ex-g/f filled a huge void and helped bring me out of that shell I was in.  We chatted some in the beginning out in the yard when she was living with her folks after leaving her ex-husband. She started pursuing me with social media requests then asked me to meet her at public places to visit with her, which I obliged.  As I said earlier, I've known her for a total of 20 years now. There was just something about this girl that I was always attracted to physically and emotionally. I always sensed the same with her, and I learned the feeling was mutual between both of us. We were intimate about 3 months into the relationship. All of our intimate encounters were loving and respectful, and I've never had a connection like that with any woman ever. I've been with a couple of women that was just a roll in the hay, but this was much more and I do know that for sure in my heart.  She claimed the same and said that nearly every encounter with someone else usually resulted in something bad happening or it drove them further apart. She said she felt like it brought us closer together.  I felt the same. However, after a while I think it triggered the abandonment fears with her, then she cut it off for a few months "to sort out the craziness in my head" as she said. As you said, I wanted more (and a healthy relationship to boot), but she wasn't capable.  


Know that Intimacy always sparks abandonment with this illness. Its how it works. To some degree yes control, but you also gave this power, to avoid something.....The illness typically wants to be controlled, yet blames you for being controlling. The dance continues.

She cut off the intimacy 3-4 times during the course of our relationship. The excuse each time was that it either "brought a bunch of craziness into her head" or that premarital sex was wrong and went against her religious beliefs and didn't set a good example for our kids. I was patient and understanding with her the first few times. The fourth time I was frustrated and just sat there in silence while she was telling me this. It was during this time that I asked her for some consistency in the relationship. She sent me a lengthy email the following day alleging that I wasn't supporting her in making good choices, was trying to change her, and even went so far as to say that I "was ashamed of being intimate with her" (no idea where that came from). After unloading all of that on me at the end of the email in the last paragraph she said "I'm sorry to do this to you, I shouldn't be going back and forth on you like that. I know that must be confusing and frustrating. I want us to talk soon and not be so distant. I love you." It was a roller coaster of an email. It made my head spin just reading it. My counselor said the same after she read it.  


....................So with you not there to help her, how has she done?

Just before we broke up, she started drawing unemployment off of the temp job that I helped her get in 2019. It was only about $100 per week from the state. Her extended family members told me she got the extra $600 per week federal unemployment on top of that after we split up, so that's how she's been surviving. They've said she's still doing the few odd jobs, but they don't pay enough to support two kids and a household. She also had a car accident settlement coming, and I'd say she has that by now. Before my family members removed her from social media, they said she made a post saying they were starting to settle with the insurance company and wanted advice on how much could she expect to receive. She makes up the difference with public assistance and free healthcare for her kids. When I was around, I'd help with groceries occasionally if she was short, meals out, loaned her money to pay rent (she paid it back with tax return). When she uses all of that money up along with the federal unemployment, I'm not sure what she'll do unless she can get the rebound to marry her but it doesn't sound like he wants to go that route. Given her abandonment fears, does she really want to tie the knot when it comes down to it? That was another one of my issues with her, her lack of ambition for better employment and income. She was doing little to help herself and was getting assistance from her parents and church on occasion, also.

I told you the other day that she didn't look good when I saw her out my front window last week. Her extended family told me a couple of days ago that she looks physically and mentally worn out when they saw her last week in addition to the extreme amount of weight she's put on. I'm still friends with all most of her immediate family on social media. I saw a post from she made yesterday on her SIL's page about how she wasn't sleeping well  and just wanted a good nights sleep. If she isn't feeling safe and secure, she suffers from severe insomnia. When we were together, we'd talk every night before bed if we couldn't see each other in person that particular day. She said that hearing my voice on the phone helped her to relax before bed. There were several times when I'd be visiting at her home and before I would leave for the night, she'd have me go in there and lay with her in bed so I could help her fall asleep (it would usually take 10-15 minutes). She would cling to me in her sleep, and it was usually a challenge to pull my arms and legs free so I could leave for the night.  I'm sure you can tell that she's very insecure.    


  

She knew. Those with heavy DSM5 traits appear to be hyper observant. They know behavior to a degree, mainly through trial and error. She was attracted to your being grounded, hoping you could take her there. Unfortunately this path doesnt exist for her, to reach this place. It would have to be done by herself and not many truly attempt.

I lost count of the times of the times I received emails and text messages from her saying how much she missed me when I wasn't around and how she missed "feeling comfortable, relaxed, and safe". She always told me that she knew she was safe with me. The family told me something about a month after the breakup. They told me every man that she's been with except for me and her first fiance (the one that broke the engagement) was reckless and or impulsive including her ex-husband and the rebound guy she's with now. They had hoped that by her getting involved with me, it would change her life and said they actually feel like she knows in her heart that I was the right guy.  But, like you stated above, changing her life has to be done on her own. No one can be her rescuer except for her.

The other huge issue was that she wanted to have another child after we were married.

A built in attachment, never too many

That is 100% correct.  This is another significant part of he story that I'd left out by mistake from previous posts.  She wanted more kids with her ex-husband, but he didn't want more children. She was very resentful of that and still holds a grudge against him for that. Two days before she discarded me, we learned he was getting re-married (it was expected) when we picked up her son from the ex after one of our dates. His fiance has multiple children by her first husband. After we picked up her son and returned to her home, her son had an outburst and ran off to his room. My child and I left right after that because the mood wasn't good and I wanted to give them space to deal with their emotions. She texted me later that night saying that she was sorry for what happened that evening and stated she was cool with her ex getting remarried but was angry at him for marrying someone with multiple children when he didn't want more with her. In my head I was thinking why did you want more children with someone that you resented and didn't want to married to any longer. That logic made no sense to me.  We talked on the phone the following night and she appeared to be feeling better but stated that she was still upset about what her ex-husband did. The next day after I got home from work, she showed up at my house and gave me the either we get married our I'm out ultimatum. You know the rest of the story that happened after this. I asked her if this ultimatum was fueled by her ex-husband announcing that he was marrying a woman with multiple children, and she denied it.  As I said, she'd been pushing for us to get engaged/married for about 4 months, but I think her existing emotional issues combined with the ex getting remarried pushed her over the edge. She also quit taking all of her meds including her anti-depressants 2 months prior, so all of this rolled stuff together became a huge ball of s##t.

My BPD ex-wife told me she wanted more kids ASAP while she was laying in a hospital bed with a feeding tube down her throat due to eating disorders and starvation. She can never have enough attachments either.  Our child was just a year old at the time. BPD is an awful illness when combined with eating disorders. It was pure hell.
  


I explained to her since I was in my mid-40's I wasn't sure that I wanted to take that on

About same age, as when I started my journey. Kids were 10 and 12, didnt know how, but I knew it would be better. I was correct.

Looking all of this now that I'm out of the relationship, I couldn't imagine dealing with her emotional issues, the kids issues, her financial issues, and my own insecurities. Imagine adding another child into the mix. It would have been a disaster.



Bet a dollar this was all yours, she just mirrored it to you. I was really young when i thought about the big house, white picket fence, loving wife, kids, animals.......When I got there, I wondered why I wasnt happy. It was my fantasy I thought I wanted. I was wrong. Genuine relationships seem to work these days. Doesnt cost a dime.

I think these dreams were on both ends. She told me not long after we got together that she thought moving around from house to house or state would help solve her internal issues, but it never did. She specifically told me "No more moving around she said." There was a pattern of her doing this before she married her ex-husband for a good three years.  She left her ex-husband for about one month a year before she left him for good and filed for divorce. Her condition before she returned to him was that they bought a house together (he had refused prior to this and they rented for the full duration of their marriage). They purchased a home a month or two later, then she left him for good around 8-9 months after that because she said things weren't working out . He was left holding the bag as far as the house goes and still has it to this day. She frequently sent me home listings online asking me to look at them usually saying "I could see us living here together" or something similar. Looking back at all of this today, I could see us being married with a home, etc.  and having her melt down and leaving me  holding the bag like she did with her ex-husband.  


She is broken in two, until she finds attachment, then she is whole again. This time, no matter what it looks like, will end the same way. You are shattered, picking up the pieces, big difference no? When you find more of you, or what you have conceded, you will seek what you want and become more objective in decision making. It all starts with an idea. Consistency makes dreams come true. I wish you well, Peace

Well said. I'm picking up a piece or two of myself each day. It's a work in progress for sure. I'm sure the bond with her new attachment will end the same way one of these days. Who knows when. Her behavior described by the family and her appearance as well leads me to believe she's still broken in two. The new attachment is just a quick fix/bandage for her. She sent me two songs during our relationship and told me to listen to them because they described her, her issues, and her mistakes and also how she felt about me. She said, "Picture me singing these songs to you." They are "Broken" by Lifehouse and "One Thing Right" by Kane Brown and Marshmello. I do pray for her and the kids often that they find a resolution to all of their pain. I really did love them and still do. I think through all of the pain and craziness that they actually know that in their hearts. I can tell you one thing for sure, if I didn't go through what I did with my BPD ex-wife, I probably would have married my ex-g/f. With that being said, I think I have more awareness than i did back then, but there is still much more work to be done. Avoiding these types of relationships is the key as is finding someone that I don't have to carry and rescue.
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« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2020, 11:34:20 AM »

After I got home from work yesterday, I was out mowing and trimming my yard. While I was doing that, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my ex-g/f pulled in next door at her parents. I had seen her mother outside a few minutes earlier, and we acknowledged each other with a smile and wave. When I saw my ex-g/f, a few minutes later, I did not acknowledge her or look in her direction as I was operating the grass trimmer, and my hands were full at the time. She proceeded in the house, which was good.

I'm happy to say that seeing her or knowing that she was there next door did not trigger any anxiety or depression in my mind. Things similar to this happened to me during the first 2-3 months after our breakup, and I would be highly anxious and depressed for as long as 2-3 days afterwards. Aside from still missing the good times with her, I think I'm continuing to make progress. I guess the old saying time heals all wounds must be true.
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« Reply #9 on: September 02, 2020, 03:28:29 PM »

She proceeded in the house, which was good.

After a few rejections, this will become the behavior and for now its best. Its not a good place for BPD. Also unfortunately, any interactions would give the wrong signal to the illness, regardless what is said or did. Maybe in time this could change, who knows.

I'm happy to say that seeing her or knowing that she was there next door did not trigger any anxiety or depression in my mind. Things similar to this happened to me during the first 2-3 months after our breakup, and I would be highly anxious and depressed for as long as 2-3 days afterwards. Aside from still missing the good times with her, I think I'm continuing to make progress. I guess the old saying time heals all wounds must be true.

It is true, and so is you, learning how to create stronger bandages. This would be progress and a small celebration is in order. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2020, 09:28:08 AM »



After a few rejections, this will become the behavior and for now its best. Its not a good place for BPD. Also unfortunately, any interactions would give the wrong signal to the illness, regardless what is said or did. Maybe in time this could change, who knows.

There is no doubt in my mind that she'd recycle me if I  gave her the opportunity. Most of my family and friends have said they would disown me if I went back for more with her. She has to have someone at all times no matter if it's a quick rebound or serious r/s.  From her high school days up until she was married (a span of 8 or 9 years) she told me that she had one particular rebound guy from high school that she would go to at the end of her relationships so she didn't have to be alone. This guy lives out of state now (and is married), but was trying to hook up with her before and after her divorce was final and while I was in a r/s with her when he returned from out of state to visit family. Supposedly, she told him she was with me, and he never texted back for a hook up. This is the guy that her ex-husband caught her texting back and forth with before they separated. He also found sexting-type messages between them before the divorce was final on their son's iPad when hacked in to her social media account.

Now it seems like her adult life/post divorce rebound guy is the one that she's with now, as she was with him before me and after me. There are supposedly 2-3 other guys (maybe more?) that she keeps in contact with. The difference between them and me is I removed her from my social media, and they did not. I guess they like the hookups and catching her on the rebound. I'll definitely pass. Like you've told me several times, there can never been enough attachments for these people.  




It is true, and so is you, learning how to create stronger bandages. This would be progress and a small celebration is in order. I wish you well, Peace

Thanks! The wounds are still there, but seem to be healing well.

I was thinking yesterday that I was thankful that she did not devalue me to her family and my family even thought she did so to my face at the time of the breakup. Maybe she thinks that they would know better, I don't know. Her explanation to them was mostly half-truths basically saying that I wouldn't commit to marriage and that being together two years was too long to be in a relationship without being engaged. She also told them I was an "amazing and wonderful man." There was no mention about her emotional issues, but my guess is that they all know about that. My cousin who knew my ex-g/f personally told me "You don't use pressure and guilt to get what you want in a relationship (engagement in my ex'es case), and love follows no timetable." "Genuine love is built on mutual trust, not dependency or guilt" she said. How true!  My Godmother also knew my ex-g/f personally, and they had some words following our breakup (Godmother accused her of using people). My Godmother told me, "You were already married to one BPD woman (my ex-wife). Being married to her was like raising another child. You don't need another adult child to raise. I'm so glad that you didn't go through with this engagement and get into a similar mess."    

I noticed that my BPD ex-wife has been contacting me a lot more within the last 3-4 weeks. This hasn't been the case since she'd started seeing her new b/f about a year ago, and it's taken a lot of pressure off of me. The less I have to deal with her the better!  A quick glace of his social media page the other day confirmed he is involved with another woman. Must be he figured out my ex-wife and ended things before it was too late for him.  My child told me that her mother was trying to get this guy to marry her and also wanted to have a child with him. I'm glad that he got out while the gettin' was good!  

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« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2020, 09:46:52 AM »

Excerpt
Being married to her was like raising another child. You don't need another adult child to raise. 


Amen. Exactly how it feels. As FindingMe likes to say "you're responsible for two". That's not a relationship / partnership.
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« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2020, 01:29:30 PM »


Amen. Exactly how it feels. As FindingMe likes to say "you're responsible for two". That's not a relationship / partnership.

That's one of the truest statements I've read in here without a doubt!

My BPD ex-wife was highly dependent on her parents, and I didn't realize how much so until a few months after we were married. Now I see why they wanted to get her married off and out of their house. After our separation and divorce, they fully supported her financially while she was in and out of inpatient facilities and also when she decided to go back to college and pursue another Bachelor's. To this day, she continues to undergo extensive therapy, but is actually holding down a full-time job. I do give her credit for that part, but I learned a year ago that her parents are still paying for the home that they bought her as well as her car and several other bills. When asked by my attorney in 2019 what she paid for out of her own pocket, she stated: "Gas for my car, my groceries, and child support for my daughter." She testified that her parents picked up the tab for the rest. Unbelievable! She is now in her late 30's. You'd think she was fresh out of HS or college age with that kind of stuff going on. Nothing will ever change as long as her parents keep enabling her, and I don't know what she's going to do when they're not around later in life.  Just glad it's not me any longer! She would frequently throw actual tantrums like a 6 year old when she didn't get what she wanted and stomp and cry. This type of behavior started about 3 months into our marriage, and I thought what have I gotten myself into? In the 15 months between our separation and divorce, she racked up $28,000 in credit card debt from shopping sprees, fast food, gas, iTunes downloads, clothes, etc. She maxed out all of the cards in her name, then took out 3 or 4 more after the separation also in her own name. This was after all of her bills were paid for by me or her parents. Her attorneys tried to make me responsible for roughly 2/3 of the debt even though it occurred after the separation. Luckily, the Judge saw right through that and said this debt was her responsibility. I was just responsible for the marital portion of the credit card debt, which was just of $1,000. Thankfully we had a fair judge. Her mother testified in court that she and her husband were paying about $800/month just making minimum payments on the credit card debt their daughter racked up after our separation. My guess is that they ended up continuing to pay on it after the divorce was final. If it were me, I wouldn't have paid a thing on her debt and let her learn a lesson for once in her life.
 

My uBPD ex-g/f is a little better as far as trying to maintain a home and is more ambitious in that department, but she has great difficulty holding down employment outside of the home. The only type of employment that she can halfway excel at is odd jobs/self-employment. It's a real shame because she is so talented and bright.  She admitted to me that she has had conflicts in the past with co-workers and supervisors while working for regular businesses and has been let go from some jobs. On of her regular quotes is "When people really get to know me, they end up not liking me." She said that to me after meeting some of my friends when I told her that they had a good first impression after meeting her.   She just has a horrible self-image and lets that and her mental health issues have power over her. Maybe one of these days she'll break the cycle and get help. I still honestly believe that she's not beyond helping (with a professional). I don't think she could ever be 100%, but she's not as far gone as my ex-wife who is not only BPD but has Narc tendencies as well. My uBPD ex-g/f has a conscious most of the time and will show guilt and remorse for things she's done, but she lets poor impulse control take control too often.  Unfortunately, she's in that stage now and has been for the last 5+ months. It's too bad, and her kids are suffering right along with her.

As I've stated several times, I am working on myself and my issues so I can avoid relationships like this in the future. One day I hope to be with someone that can stand on their own two feet and that I don't to rescue someone in order to feel worthy.
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2020, 11:42:56 AM »

Excerpt
I see different. Been around a decade for me. Ive seen the ex, shes not doing so well

How did it feel to see her after ten years? Did you expect her to look physically and mentally like she did?
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« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2020, 01:43:34 PM »

Maybe she thinks that they would know better, I don't know.

She has tried a long time ago. This is why they try to isolate you, from them. They are a threat to the illness.

She would frequently throw actual tantrums like a 6 year old when she didn't get what she wanted and stomp and cry.

I have also witnessed this from a 30 something before. Its was an experience to say the least.

She just has a horrible self-image and lets that and her mental health issues have power over her. Maybe one of these days she'll break the cycle and get help.

Her mental issues and horrible self image are one in the same. She has parents that will not only rescue her, but most certainly were the persecutor at times. This leaves her as the eternal victim. The money allows for recreating another fantasy expecting a different result. Its the easiest path.

I don't think she could ever be 100%,

Im wondering what 100 % looks like. Is it possible nobody gets to 100%? If she could just get to the point, where she could co exist with others without major conflicts, she just might have a chance to have something resembling a reciprocal r/s. I have actually seen this happen. With parents and other rescuer types this may never take place.

but she's not as far gone as my ex-wife who is not only BPD but has Narc tendencies as well. My uBPD ex-g/f has a conscious most of the time and will show guilt and remorse for things she's done, but she lets poor impulse control take control too often.  Unfortunately, she's in that stage now and has been for the last 5+ months. It's too bad, and her kids are suffering right along with her.

I have met some that internalize it. Maybe after years of raging, this happens? Its something different. She needs an attachment, this will dictate her behavior...........Individuals are the only ones who can save themselves. Im glad my children listen sometimes, and apparently a little better these days. My message hasnt changed, just the way I deliver it. Typically getting involved with others, to save them requires selfish intentions of some sort. On face value it doesnt make sense to get involved. Or does it?


I am working on myself and my issues so I can avoid relationships like this in the future. One day I hope to be with someone that can stand on their own two feet

This will require you standing on your own 2 feet first. You wont need to avoid any relationship and shouldnt. Just a side step, and continue forward.

and that I don't to rescue someone in order to feel worthy.

Addressing this will help allow you, to stand on your own 2 feet. Its a journey when done correctly. You appear heading in the right direction. Good for you. I wish you well, Peace





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« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2020, 02:14:50 PM »

How did it feel to see her after ten years? Did you expect her to look physically and mentally like she did?

Actually have seen her a few times throughout the years. Its been 9 since the separation. 7 since the divorce final. A couple of sightings at daughters HS graduations. We live in a small town about 4 miles apart........In the beginning she seemed to do well, but the cycle was started. I have heard through children she has gotten into breeding dogs lately. She did this very thing with horses and goats, during our r/s.......Interesting. I store construction equipment for work, at a friends property and have to pass her home.  A few months ago I passed by and she and her husband were staring at me like, they had just seen a ghost. She had evidently. She started showing up where I drink coffee every morning. Interesting. She doesnt look well. Just as before.

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« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2020, 06:00:06 PM »

Ok, it's been 2 and a half years for me. I saw her while I was driving in February but it was too dark to say anything about how she looks, doesn't matter anymore anyway, she's someone else's nightmare now.
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« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2020, 12:00:25 PM »

My BPD ex-wife also has eating disorders as I have mentioned before. The eating disorders have taken their toll on her body and have really aged her. She looks like she's in her late 40's to around 50 instead of her late 30's and hardly resembles the woman that I married. Her weight is constantly going up and down, her hair is thinned and brittle, and her teeth look weathered from the illness. It's sad. Her counselors, before we divorced, told me to always be vigilant as mothers with eating disorders can pass these behaviors on to their children, especially female children.

My ex-g/f, as I have also mentioned before several times, gets heavier and heavier each time I see her in passing when she's next door at her parent's home visiting. I assume she's using food and sex with her rebound man as coping mechanisms now. She used alcohol and sex 13-15 years ago. The day after our split, she trashed her ex-husband in a Facebook tirade for everything he did wrong in their relationship. Luckily she didn't publicly trash me in that post, but there was no mention about what she did wrong in their marriage interestingly enough. Two or three days later, she made another Facebook post about how 2020 was her hardest year yet as far as staying away from alcohol. I figured that post was meant specifically for me.  I took that as a shot against me and her ex-husband, and it hurt to see that. After that post was made, one of her family members spoke up and told me not to take it to heart and said it was really about my ex-g/f's unhealthy living/behaviors and was not about me.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 115


« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2020, 10:59:21 AM »

I'm still doing fairly well each day but had a sort of odd day yesterday but nothing that set me back. What happened just made me wonder about my ex and how our relationship went throughout the time we were together.

As I've said before, I removed my ex-g/f from my social media and our photos together towards the end of May. I got frequent likes and occasional comments on my page from her right up until the time I removed her. I've made no effort to contact her since the first week of May when we exchanged a text message. Since I unfriended her, I can't see any posts she's made unless it's a profile picture change, which has really helped me move along.  Occasionally, I'll get curious (and maybe a little weak) and take a look to see if she's changed her profile picture. I took a quick look yesterday afternoon, and for some odd reason I could see a post that she'd made early yesterday morning. In this post, she was singing the praises of her "wonderful man" and how he'd brought her brought her breakfast after working the night shift. She also stated how she was out of certain groceries and that he made a run to the store for her so she didn't have to and bought her all of the things that she needed. Reading that was like watching myself all over again through another person. I'd done things like this several times for her during our relationship because she was either in a bind our out of money.  It showed me that she's found her new knight in shining armor and that she's still relying heavily on others to take care of her and her needs. Nothing's changed, and I'm not surprised in the least.

She and I have a mutual friend that announced last night on social media that she and her husband were having a baby. I offered this friend and her husband congratulations via a quick message. About two hours later before I went to bed, I got a notification saying that my ex-g/f liked the post that I made on our mutual friend's social media page. When I saw this, I couldn't help but chuckle and shake my head a little. I find it funny that out of the roughly six dozen comments made on that friend's post, she chose to like mine. After all, we're broken up and are no longer "friends" on social media. I've seen some of her posts on other mutual friends' pages, and I just keep on scrolling. It's never entered into my mind to either like or comment on anything that she's posted.   Maybe it's one of those BPD pings that people keep talking about? This is the first one in just over 3 months since I "unfriended" her from both social media sites.
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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1223



« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2020, 12:02:09 PM »

Occasionally, I'll get curious (and maybe a little weak)

Not weak, just shows you, where you are at. There is still work to be done. Soon there will be no need to. You will already understand what is there.

Nothing's changed, and I'm not surprised in the least.

Exactly, There are no winners and most of all no peace. Youre seeing well, keep it up, I wish you well, Peace
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 115


« Reply #20 on: September 10, 2020, 10:58:12 AM »

Not weak, just shows you, where you are at. There is still work to be done. Soon there will be no need to. You will already understand what is there.

Had a session last evening with the counselor. We are trying to get my mind into a "post BDP relationship" mindset. She asked me what my thoughts were on that. I said it makes it kind of tough when I still have my BPD ex-wife in the mix due to our child and also the memory of the two year relationship that ended recently with my ex-g/f who we are almost certain has BPD. She gave me some pointers on how to redirect myself when i want to look at social media and ruminate about the ex-g/f. I am going to try those out this week and next, then I'll report back to her during our session in two week. She also said she felt like the social media blip/bing from the ex-g/f on Tuesday was "bait" to check on my availability or interest. Of course, she advised not to take the bait, which I told her there were no worries in that department. I stated that my family and friends said they would disown me if I took her back or brought her back into my life somehow. My counselor said, "Your therapist will also disown you if you you do such a thing!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Nothing's changed, and I'm not surprised in the least.

Exactly, There are no winners and most of all no peace. You're seeing well, keep it up, I wish you well, Peace
[/quote]

Spot on. I didn't come out of that relationship as a winner and neither will the rebound guy. Seems like she's repeating the same behaviors with him as far as dependency. The only victory I can consider claiming in this whole situation is my freedom. Still hurts a bit, but it's getting better.  
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 115


« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2020, 10:01:28 AM »

This past week was a pretty decent week for me for the most part. I spent my entire weekend working on outside projects at home to prepare for Fall and Winter. My daughter had gone to my BPD ex-wife's home for her every other weekend visit, so this gave me a good opportunity to get as much done as I could.

On Sunday afternoon, I stopped for a lunch break. When I came back outside, I noticed that my uBPD ex-g/f was at her parent's house with her other siblings for what appeared to be a cookout in the backyard. Anymore, her presence over there doesn't bother me too much, so I just continued on with my outside projects while they were all outside next door. Between 4:00 and 5:00, I heard someone calling my name. When I looked up, my ex-g/f's 7 year old son was standing next to me. I was kind of surprised, but I was glad to see him because I hadn't seen or spoken to him since sometime in May or June. He's come over 3 or 4 times since the breakup, and his mother doesn't seem to have an issue with him coming over. He said he wanted to say hi to me and see if my child was home so she could play with him and his cousins. I told him my child wasn't home as she was with her mother, but that he was more than welcome to drop by and see her another time when she is home and not at her mother's. Before he left, I told him that I was glad that he came to visit me because it had been a while and that I enjoyed chatting with him.

One of the things that hurts most of all is how these kids got hurt when our relationship went south. The family told me about six weeks ago that my ex-g/f's son told them that he still misses my child and I. He also blames his mother for the breakup between his mother and father, so he harbors a lot of anger.  They also said that her daughter was upset at her mother for the breakup with me and also for moving on so fast to this rebound guy. My own child still asks for my ex-g/f's children (and my ex-g/f as well) often and tells me that I need to call my ex-g/f on the phone sometime so I can talk to her. We've had the discussion 3-4 times that my ex-g/f and I are no longer seeing each other, but I guess she's not at the age to where she can understand exactly what's happened. I spared her the details that my ex-g/f moved on two weeks later to a rebound guy.

Shortly after my ex-g/f's son dropped over to see me, my ex-g/f's rebound guy showed up to take part in the cookout. He only stayed a little over an hour and then left. This is an area that I still need to work on because his presence over there slightly angered me as it has in the past few months. It really doesn't have that much to do with what he's doing with her now, it's the fact that he was contacting her on and off while she and I were dating and also for the fact that he pounced and asked her out as soon as we had broken up. He is an alcoholic and would text her and beg her to call him to talk him out of getting drunk during the first 3-4 months that we were together. She admitted this to me and said eventually she figured it was some kind of ploy to get her to call him. Now I hold her equally accountable since she enabled this behavior and kept talking to him.  I believe he ended going off to rehab several months later, but continued to contact her over social media. Looking back, I should have spoken up and told her this made me uncomfortable (poor boundaries on her part for doing this and also on my part for allowing it to go on). She always described him to me as "such a good friend" and that their quick affair "meant nothing" and that it was "strictly a rebound". I find that statement funny now considering she went to bed with him shortly after she separated from her ex-husband, then went back to him after our relationship ended. His wife had left him around the same time period that my ex separated from her husband.  Apparently her definition of friend and healthy boundaries are different than mine. Oddly enough, 2 weeks before the breakup she confronted me over the fact that I was training a woman 20 years younger than me at work. She said "Tell me about this girl, and is this something that I need to be worried about?" I informed her that she was married and that I had absolutely no interest in her or any other woman for that matter. She had been having noticeable issues for several months, but that was the start of the really bizarre and very erratic behavior.  Two weeks later she ended our relationship.

It's my opinion Mr. Rebound doesn't have much self-respect either if he's continuing to allow her to use him as a rebound.  If I were him, I'd be questioning her motives wondering why she'd be on to me so quickly after splitting with someone that she was wanting to marry. Maybe he doesn't care about any of that and just wants a good time?  Ok, now I need to get back to worrying about things that I can control!

Thanks, everyone, for your patience and for listening. I really don't journal with pen and paper, so this is my way of getting my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Aside from that, I'm still doing fairly well and continue to hike and work on projects to keep my mind occupied. I still believe that I'm much better off out of that relationship. I still hurt some from the loss, but hurt more for the three kids (hers and mine)  at this point.
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 115


« Reply #22 on: September 29, 2020, 12:42:25 PM »

It's been a little over two weeks since I received that social media ping from my uBPD ex-g/f. Again, I removed her from all of my social media a little over 4 months ago.  On Sunday afternoon, I commented on a post that a mutual friend of ours made about a child's birthday. Later on that night, I got a notification on my phone saying that my ex-g/f liked and commented on the post that I made. I found it odd that my ex liked my post in response to what our mutual friend posted, but she did not like or comment on what the mutual friend posted. She did not acknowledge what any of the other people said in reply to the mutual friend's post either, just what I posted. I imagine that our mutual friend most likely thought this was odd just like I did. The other incident two weeks ago was very similar to what occurred on Sunday. I have not acknowledged either incident.

I guess this can be chalked up to more BPD game playing. As I've said before, she asked the rebound guy about marriage 2+ months ago, and he said he wasn't interested. A mutual friend told me last week that she asked him to move in with her and the kids earlier this month. He declined on that offer as well. She's probably is getting frustrated with him and is looking for a recycle with me or one of her former high school friends. Or, maybe someone new? I've got a few people telling me I need to block her from my social media.
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