Advice needed for BPD husband, I feel at rock bottom

[GalwS89]

My husband has showed traits of BPD for about 18 months now. He has always had a naturally angry nature, but then he started to get upset by things which made no sense to me and I couldn’t work out what I had done. I found myself apologising and I didn’t know why.
He would go into these states where he would clam up, sit there and sweat and his jaw would go, he wouldn’t eat anything and just drank and drank and drank alcohol. After a while he would suddenly accuse me of something, usually being unfaithful to him (I never have) because a certain object had moved in the house or I hadn’t called him as many times in the day as I  usually do.

I just feel every day of my life I’m walking on eggshells now, anything and everything can cause an argument where he offends me and humiliates me, he threatens to leave me every time we argue but will never go ahead with it. I’ve lost touch with nearly all my friends, trying to make plans with them or arrange to meet up just causes anxiety within him and he questions every detail of what I do. It just wasn’t worth the bother and outcome.

I feel like he constantly thinks every situation equals to me being unfaithful to him, he is so terrified of it yet his behaviour pushes me away and hurts me beyond belief.
Last Xmas I spent a week in hospital as I suffer from a chronic illness. When I returned home, the stress of the change and me not being there led him on a dangerous drug binge the day before Xmas eve. He told me he did not want to live anymore the next day when he was coming down.
I rang our Heath centre and was told to take him to A&E but he refused and said he would feel better the next day.
A few weeks later I showed him some information on BPD and told him just to read it and I wasn’t judging him , I just wanted to know what he thought. He said he knew he possessed a lot of the traits and would look at seeking some help. This made me for the first time in a long time, feel there was a little light at the end of the tunnel.
He went to see the GP and was then referred on to a counsellor, however this was at the start of the coronavirus pandemic and we knew we would not get to see someone for a while.
He was asked to complete an online seminar for stress management, he attended the first, third and fourth weeks but could not get to the second week due to work commitments.
After not hearing anything for several weeks, we found out he’d be discharged from the service for missing one of his seminars, no treatment, nothing, see you later.
This obviously set him back tremendously and he lost faith of getting any kind of help. I have tried to see a psychiatrist privately, who is local, who is cheap but he refused. I asked if I could go and speak to them because this does have an effect on me also and I was told no, I’m not wasting my money on you going there. I dare not defy him, I have no money of my own, and he keeps tabs on where I am so I couldn’t even go on my own.
So here we are no further forward, with his symptoms getting worse.
Is there anyone else who’s been in a similar situation to what I have? Did you stay or did you leave?
What can I do to encourage him to seek help.

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[Diddle]

GalWs89

Your account of life sounds just like mine. I'm sorry you're suffering too.

I just feel every day of my life I’m walking on eggshells now, anything and everything can cause an argument where he offends me and humiliates me, he threatens to leave me every time we argue but will never go ahead with it. I’ve lost touch with nearly all my friends, trying to make plans with them or arrange to meet up just causes anxiety within him and he questions every detail of what I do. It just wasn’t worth the bother and outcome.

Yep this is me, I had about 14 years of this, that isolated me from friends and family. not by him telling me I couldn't see them, but by him arguing with me and making me feel like it was a big problem that I did. Manipulating me. So now whenever anyone suggests a get together I panic, and worry that I can't mention it at all. I have a best friend who is really helping me to make decisions for myself. DBpdH still moans and argues, but I manage to at least get out.

I feel like he constantly thinks every situation equals to me being unfaithful to him, he is so terrified of it yet his behaviour pushes me away and hurts me beyond belief.

I cannot be friends with another man, without him accusing me of cheating, or looking at them a certain way. This doesn't stop me being friends with them, but it does make me hide the fact I've spoken to them or seen them, to avoid an explosion of anger.

My husband was only recently diagnosed, I did the same as you and calmly suggested he decide if he felt it applied to him. He did. I spoke to the doctor and explained my side of it, then he had an assessment himself and the mental health worker agreed. So he starts medication this week for depression, and is going to get therapy.

I have stayed so far (19 yrs), but we have 3 children and I consider the behaviour of my husband to be abusive, regardless of the reason for it. I am hoping the therapy and medication helps him to have more control, awareness and be a better person. But I cannot guarantee this is enough to make me stay. Our children have been subjected to a lot, as have I.

[JaneWrites]

It really can be a miserable existence if BPD isn't under control. I can relate to a lot of this.

May I ask what you information / links you each used to introduce your husbands to BPD? Do you remember?

[Diddle]

Janewrites
I showed my husband a simple list of symptoms that applies to him and bpd, and also i’d watched a few Dr Fox videos Videos on youtube, one in particular about catastrophising felt very close to home so i showed him that too.
I think it helped him to hear someone other than me saying it.
I didn’t show them him in front of me, i sent them to him via message and suggested he view them when and if he felt ready and told him it was ok if he wasn’t ready or didn’t agree.