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Author Topic: It's finally happening and I'm afraid  (Read 376 times)
shikai

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« on: August 26, 2020, 11:55:27 PM »

I have been trying to end this relationship for years. I get charmed back in or sometimes throw myself back into it on my own. She's made threats to falsely accuse me of things in the past and it's really scared me because she can be very convincing.  I knew that I had to do this very carefully.

I read a book that suggested being boring to a BPD partner and they'll end it when you're no longer any "fun" to torment. So I tried that approach. I was agreeable, vague and boring. I didn't say anything about what I was thinking or feeling. I just parroted back the things she said to me. It worked. After 10 years together, she's leaving. She boxed up her stuff and has arranged for the moving company to take it across the country back to where she came from. She left her email open so I know she's smeared me to her friends, but other than that, it's gone very smoothly.

The plan worked... and I'm sad. I'm not second guessing my decision, but I do wonder if a stronger person could have made this relationship work.

But why would I want it to work anyway? She was horrible to me in almost every way...she was physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. She ruined so many special occasions over the years in such crazy and bizarre ways that I now get a knot in my stomach whenever I think about birthdays or holidays. She did her best to drive everyone out of my life. People weren't allowed to stop by and that was not negotiable. And the rare times she agreed that I could have guests over, she did everything to keep the spotlight on her. If being pleasant didn't achieve that, she'd turn into a monster. That always worked. Who doesn't pay attention to a monster?

So...why am I sad? Logically, this is a great thing. Right up there with D-Day and the discovery of penicillin. I should be turning cartwheels and throwing confetti. But all I can do is cry.
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« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2020, 12:49:43 AM »

grief is not about logic.

if she had died, you wouldnt be celebrating either.

its the beginning of a new future, and in the appropriate time, youll embrace that. at the same time, its the end of a ten year relationship. its an enormous loss.

do grieve it, do cry - that is the way through grief and loss, and we will be here for you through every step.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stressftw
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« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2020, 12:57:38 AM »

I have been trying to end this relationship for years. I get charmed back in or sometimes throw myself back into it on my own. She's made threats to falsely accuse me of things in the past and it's really scared me because she can be very convincing.  I knew that I had to do this very carefully.

I read a book that suggested being boring to a BPD partner and they'll end it when you're no longer any "fun" to torment. So I tried that approach. I was agreeable, vague and boring. I didn't say anything about what I was thinking or feeling. I just parroted back the things she said to me. It worked. After 10 years together, she's leaving. She boxed up her stuff and has arranged for the moving company to take it across the country back to where she came from. She left her email open so I know she's smeared me to her friends, but other than that, it's gone very smoothly.

The plan worked... and I'm sad. I'm not second guessing my decision, but I do wonder if a stronger person could have made this relationship work.

But why would I want it to work anyway? She was horrible to me in almost every way...she was physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. She ruined so many special occasions over the years in such crazy and bizarre ways that I now get a knot in my stomach whenever I think about birthdays or holidays. She did her best to drive everyone out of my life. People weren't allowed to stop by and that was not negotiable. And the rare times she agreed that I could have guests over, she did everything to keep the spotlight on her. If being pleasant didn't achieve that, she'd turn into a monster. That always worked. Who doesn't pay attention to a monster?

So...why am I sad? Logically, this is a great thing. Right up there with D-Day and the discovery of penicillin. I should be turning cartwheels and throwing confetti. But all I can do is cry.

Besides your rational  logic side wanting that, your emotional side, your heart is still attached to this person.
I have been through a process that i do recognize that this person is better off of my life, but i still suffer and cry for her.
i hope everything turn out well for you.
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shikai

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« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2020, 09:45:57 AM »

grief is not about logic.

if she had died, you wouldnt be celebrating either.

its the beginning of a new future, and in the appropriate time, youll embrace that. at the same time, its the end of a ten year relationship. its an enormous loss.

do grieve it, do cry - that is the way through grief and loss, and we will be here for you through every step.

Thank you for your kind response. I resist crying because I'm afraid that I'll drown in a river of tears. So much grief. But the tears come nevertheless. I'm going to trust that they are healing, but it sure doesn't feel that way at the moment. My heart is breaking.
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jovy

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« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2020, 09:14:32 PM »


The plan worked... and I'm sad. I'm not second guessing my decision, but I do wonder if a stronger person could have made this relationship work.

So...why am I sad? Logically, this is a great thing. Right up there with D-Day and the discovery of penicillin. I should be turning cartwheels and throwing confetti. But all I can do is cry.
[/quote]

I am similarly in the process of breaking up with my BPD girlfriend. I also wonder if a stronger person would have been able to handle a relationship with her. In fact, all through our relationship I would tell myself I can handle it, I can handle it.

Yes, you would think I would be celebrating too, but all I do is feel guilty, anxious and sad. She has a lot of great qualities and there is a lot of good in her. And she made great strides with regard to her BPD issues. So it hurts to let her go. Some time ago, I agreed to let go of some good friendships because of her jealousy over these friends. Lately, I have felt that that was not a good choice for me and feel I would like to reconnect with these good friends. Even if she agreed it was okay to bring these friends back into my life, her feelings in connection with them would continue to be jealousy/hatred, thus causing me too much stress. So I guess the only answer is to split up. 

I too need to grieve the loss. I wish I could grieve, but I'm just feeling guilty, anxious, depressed and numb. Grieving over a loss is natural and healthy. Thankfully you are able to grieve okay. You will eventually get through the grief and feel better. Everyone including me is pulling for you.
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shikai

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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2020, 04:41:04 PM »

Yes, you would think I would be celebrating too, but all I do is feel guilty, anxious and sad. She has a lot of great qualities and there is a lot of good in her. And she made great strides with regard to her BPD issues. So it hurts to let her go. Some time ago, I agreed to let go of some good friendships because of her jealousy over these friends. Lately, I have felt that that was not a good choice for me and feel I would like to reconnect with these good friends. Even if she agreed it was okay to bring these friends back into my life, her feelings in connection with them would continue to be jealousy/hatred, thus causing me too much stress. So I guess the only answer is to split up. 

I too need to grieve the loss. I wish I could grieve, but I'm just feeling guilty, anxious, depressed and numb. Grieving over a loss is natural and healthy. Thankfully you are able to grieve okay. You will eventually get through the grief and feel better. Everyone including me is pulling for you.

[/quote]
Thank you for your support. I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time too.

I am reading a book called "Healing from Hidden Abuse" and it's helping me to understand the covert ways abusers get us to take blame. They're so good at what they do.

I swing between deep sorrow, guilt, and anxiety. Grief has been in the lead, but anxiety and guilt are quickly catching up. I notice that the more I let her in emotionally, the more anxiety and guilt I feel. She knocks me off balance under the guise of care whenever I let her get close. She's sneaky and I don't usually see what's happening until after I have reacted, calmed down, and had time to reflect. The book describes this as a spotlight. They don't want it shining on their bad behavior so they push buttons until you react and then the spotlight is on you and off them. Just what they want. But we need to shine it right back on them where it started. And try to control our response so the light stays on them.
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Crispy Waffle

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Relationship status: Divorced!
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2020, 05:19:03 PM »

Shikai, we live in a rather tortured existence when we love someone who treats us so badly. We end up feeling guilt and sorrow. But you need to let yourself move through the grieving process, which often means revisiting some of the stages. I found some of the following inspiring while on this path. Let yourself grieve, realize how good it is for you to move one, heal yourself, and reach out to some of those relationships lost and reestablish them. There's a good chance you might connect with someone that can offer some solid wisdom and support when you need it most. That happened with me, quite serendipitously.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. --C. S. Lewis

“He/she who grieves well, lives well.” So know that deep sadness is not necessarily a sign that you are failing, but indeed likely a sign of your healing.

"If I keep a green bough in my heart the singing bird will come."
- Chinese proverb

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daze507
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« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2020, 03:03:22 AM »

One thing I still have to understand is why these individual tend to ruin special occasions (birthdays, parties etc.) It's like they are waiting for that specific day to enleash all their crazy.
Anyway, rest assured that there is no healthy relationship possible with a person who has a mental disorder, especially when it's a cluster-B disorder. Their reality is not the same as us, you can be strong as much as you want, it will never change that fact.
On a side node, I've been discarded a few days after I decided bot to engage in her drama and fights anymore so I can confirm the technique works.
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shikai

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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2020, 02:00:58 PM »

Yes, you would think I would be celebrating too, but all I do is feel guilty, anxious and sad. She has a lot of great qualities and there is a lot of good in her. And she made great strides with regard to her BPD issues. So it hurts to let her go. Some time ago, I agreed to let go of some good friendships because of her jealousy over these friends. Lately, I have felt that that was not a good choice for me and feel I would like to reconnect with these good friends. Even if she agreed it was okay to bring these friends back into my life, her feelings in connection with them would continue to be jealousy/hatred, thus causing me too much stress. So I guess the only answer is to split up. 

I too need to grieve the loss. I wish I could grieve, but I'm just feeling guilty, anxious, depressed and numb. Grieving over a loss is natural and healthy. Thankfully you are able to grieve okay. You will eventually get through the grief and feel better. Everyone including me is pulling for you.

[/quote]

Thank you for the reply. What you said I could have written myself. I think the turning point for me was when I finally realized that her jealousy and hatred toward my loved ones would never be resolved. Again and again she forced me to choose between her and everyone and everything else I loved. That is not okay. You get it, when other people in my life can't. This site and all of the wonderful people here are a Godsend. It feels so good to be understood.
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shikai

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« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2020, 02:21:18 PM »

One thing I still have to understand is why these individual tend to ruin special occasions (birthdays, parties etc.) It's like they are waiting for that specific day to enleash all their crazy.
Anyway, rest assured that there is no healthy relationship possible with a person who has a mental disorder, especially when it's a cluster-B disorder. Their reality is not the same as us, you can be strong as much as you want, it will never change that fact.
On a side node, I've been discarded a few days after I decided bot to engage in her drama and fights anymore so I can confirm the technique works.

It's a good technique, isn't it? It's proven to be a smooth-ish way out for me.

I have thought a lot about why they ruin special occasions. In my wife's case, she had a few different motives. She couldn't tolerate attention going to other people, she didn't want me to bond with or have happy memories with anyone except her, and sometimes the stress of the events was beyond her coping skills.

Here is one doozy that left me traumatized:
I was going to host a birthday party for my adult daughter who was going through a very hard time in her life. About four hours before the event, I started cooking. My wife walked into the kitchen and asked what I was doing. She absolutely knew what I was doing. The party wasn't a secret from her! But I kept my calm and told her I was getting ready for the birthday party. Then she asked me why I was being so cold to her. I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary, but she just had to get my attention back on her. I told her I had to get cooking if things were to be ready when guests arrived. I said I would be happy to talk about it after the party. She grabbed the ingredients that I had set out, ran to the bedroom, and locked the door. Unbelievable. I thought to myself, "Okay, I'll make something else." So, I got started. She came in and tried to grab those ingredients, but I stopped her and told her this party was taking place whether she liked it or not. She ripped the recipe from the book, tore it up, then grabbed the eggs and jumped up onto the counter and taunted me. It was bizarre, baffling, and infuriating. Now, imagine FOUR FREAKING HOURS of this. When my daughter arrived, I opened the door and burst into tears. Nothing was even close to ready and I was having a breakdown.

Why in the hell did I stay with her after that? Six more years of living in crazy town! Six more years of abuse! OMG, I can't believe I stayed in an environment like that. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO happy she's gone. I hate her. And I love her. I am grieving and I burst into tears at the slightest thing. And sometimes, with utter joy, I throw away random items she left behind. It's a very strange combination of emotions.   
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Crispy Waffle

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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2020, 10:41:51 PM »

Shikai, our BPD partners push and pull us; that's part of their bizarre, damaging treatment of us. And so I think that feeds the schism within us; we love the part of them that drew us to them, and which we enjoyed, and understandably loathe the damaging behavior.

I have too much anger in my life. My wife used that as a tool against me, creating conflict and using that anger to define me (and devalue/demean me). I recently emailed her and told her that I would not allow myself to be consumed by hate for her. I still hold love for her after 23 years of marriage. But I don't like her. And at times I do hate her, but I'm working hard to expunge that emotion. It eats at me and I perseverate over the damage and hurt she caused. So allow yourself to feel that range of emotions, purge it, and then pack it away and don't allow it to consume you. When I allow myself to be consumed by anger/hate towards her then I have given her control. She is renting space in my head (free of rent). And then I remind myself that she is damaged, but as I told her, she no longer has control over me. She is no longer allowed to harm me. Sometimes I say these things out loud to myself. Sometimes I talk to her (in my head or out loud). It's a process that you need to allow yourself to go through. And once you understand that your feelings, despite being conflicted are normal, you start feeling good about it.

If you haven't done so, try mindfulness exercises. I finally learned to do it effectively, and it really is powerful. It is one of the first things I do every morning, and then occasionally during the day if things are getting to me.
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JNChell
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2020, 12:27:04 AM »

Grief and logic most certainly coincide. How else do we learn from our grief?

Feeling anxious and sad all of time is no way to spend our numbered days. You stayed because of programming, Brother. Don’t beat yourself up. You know, learning what I’ve learned has been a lot about myself and it’s very hard to look at and even recognize at times. The thing is is that I have to see it. I have to face myself. Regardless of how much crazy BS was done to me, I’m the only thing that I can control.

Your feelings are very valuable. Not just to you, but to everyone here trying to make their way through this stuff. That means that you are worthy. Your thoughts are appreciated and respected.

The recipe situation is nuts! I’m sorry that happened. You were just trying to do something nice. I had similar experiences with S5’s mom during events. There is no explanation for it. Sweat your ass off for all of her family members, get dirty looks and chewed out for not working fast enough, all the food is gone and the only thing left is a mess. Go to McD for a sandwich and try to talk the SO. Rage fest and hopefully she doesn’t run off with the kiddo.
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