Emotional abuse by Mother

[GLW]

Been with my husband nearly 30 years. He has always had problems with his mental health and has seen various professionals about this over the years but no significant improvements. The more I read about BPD the more I feel it fits him completely. The main problem is that he has always had an extremely difficult relationship with his mother in particular. It would take me some time to go into all the details but years of verbal abuse. As he has never felt able to Stand up to her it is always me who gets the brunt of his anger. She died suddenly 5 years ago and now he just sees her through rose tinted glasses and will not have a word said against her so it is still me continuing to be treated as if  I am the one who has made him feel like he does. Our children have tried to explain to him that I am not the one who has mistreated him but he just can’t see it. His anger at times is just completely irrational. He spends money unnecessarily which I find hard as we are currently supporting 2 children through college. He goes into a rage if I suggest he has had too many beers. He just doesn’t know when enough is enough. Finding it really hard. Anyone else suffering because of the actions of a deceased person?

[formflier]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with irrational anger and other BPDish stuff you mentioned.

Seems especially unkind that a deceased person, or perhaps a mis-remembrance of deceased person, seems to be playing a dysfunctional role.

I want to assure you that you've found a group of people that "get it".  We get the crazy reasoning and the misplacement of blame.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Can you read this article and let me know your first impression?

I'll check back later today and see what you have to say.

Best,

FF

[GLW]

Thanks for the link. I have read several times and the thing I struggle with the most is preserving my own emotional health. I feel that I am not allowed to be upset about anything. Not necessarily anything related to my husband but if I am upset about something non related he shouts at me . I spend 99.9 % of my time supporting him and being strong but he is unable to return this support. Sometimes I just need him to give me a hug and say I understand why that has upset you but it always ends up as an argument which usually ends with him claiming I am out to get him or the sole purpose of me being upset is to wind him up. It is the same if I am unwell . His response is always his illness or injury is always worse. I sometimes wonder how he would cope if I was really ill. His problems are always the priority. I do find it hard to talk to people about it. The personality he puts on for the outside world is very different to the one I see so friends don’t really understand. My mother can see no wrong in him it is always me that gets the criticism from her. If she comes for a meal she brings him a beer because “he works hard” I get nothing. The people who understand the most are our children who are 20 and 22 and they can understand how difficult it is but they are both away at University  and I don’t want them having to deal with this.

[AskingWhy]

What you are describing is projection.  My uBPD H was abused by his uNPD/BPD F as a child.  He never knew "why" he was so unhappy.  He chose to marry and have children with a uNPD W who later cheated on him and divorced him, taking the children.  Now he is of retirement age and able to see what an a$$ his father is.  H still has days when he emotionally abuses me, but it's becoming less.

Your H may  have been covertly incested by his M.  This is common in families with BPD.  It's not physical incest, to be sure, but the manner in which a child's boundaries are not respected.   

[AskingWhy]

This is the article from the BPD Family archives.  I hope this article helps you understand the dynmaics at work.  Covertly incested children grow up with many mental health issues, including BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest