Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 07, 2021, 08:41:59 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Just broken up - knew it was the right thing to do, but feel wretched  (Read 357 times)
sarah jane

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« on: August 27, 2020, 04:31:30 PM »

Hi Everyone,

I’m struggling to come to terms with how terrible/abusive the relationship with my ex has been. I knew something didn’t feel ‘right’ but also it was the most amazing experience too. I felt like I met the love of my life. But her obsession that I was going to leave/find someone else completely tore us apart.

I kept pushing back and ending it - feeling awful each time as I didn’t want to ‘abandon’ her at all, but I needed it to stop. Hours and hours and hours of questioning and arguing (it could happen anytime but as an example it could  start at 10pm and could go on all through the night ... I would go into work the next day broken. Colleagues would ask how I was, I struggled to perform), as soon as I thought we made any progress in these arguments it would all start again, or a new issue would be brought up. Either that arguing session or at a later date. Same issues again and again - as soon as she found a ‘hook’ Or an issue she would go, and the story of events she would paint had very little resemblance to my version/memory of events.

I felt very isolated from friends - I am starting to get back in contact with them now but find it hard admitting to it all. I have almost minimised a lot of what happened (going through my phone, going through my things). Since breaking up we talked for a bit but I  assume this was the ‘devaluing’ phase as she has absolutely ripped me apart. Feel broken. Yet so confused as we were SO good, all the love and passion. I had first felt peace when there was space but I feel so confused too.

I’ve read a lot about it and understand now what we had was ‘infatuation’ not love.

How do you ever get over this cognitive dissonance? Or get their voice that questions you/judges you and sets all these expectations about your behaviour out of your head?

Many thanks for reading - any help to understand all this would be much appreciated (or just to know I’m not alone and that this is typical is strangely reassuring too!)
Logged
legalboxers
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex GF / Fiancée
Posts: 172


« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2020, 04:51:43 PM »

@Sarah Jane:
[quote author=sarah jane : Hours and hours and hours of questioning and arguing (it could happen anytime but as an example it could  start at 10pm and could go on all through the night ... I would go into work the next day broken
====
That was me for 4 months.But I am out of work because of Covid and I take care of my mom who is 85. She would start yelling at me at 10pm and go until 7:00am. She also would have nightmares about her mom (since her mom died as well) She left me a month or so ago. I still havent come to terms with it. She called me 'toxic' and "trash" over a text message which was from my ex whom I told I was taken, a friend who was in a dark place and needed someone, and my friend who is a hair dresser who I knew forever who has stage 4 breast cancer. So Trust me. I know that feeling

So you are not alone! Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged
Goosey
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 219


« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2020, 06:13:27 PM »

Yes it is a great relationship when you mollify the facts.
   Till it’s not a great relationship and you are painted black and left to pick up the pieces left behind.
   And then dealing with your in insecurities (and newly planted defects) that you are maybe the “scum “ you have been labeled. Ya good luck with it.
  Dogs and porch and a lot of head shaking. I don’t have any good advice except the less time on these relationships maybe lessens the recovery. That’s just my guess. I was a emphath,  a fixer. Now I can’t care enough to make a tuna sandwich.
  How do I get it out of my head?  Work. Like to survive and pay the bills work. That does the trick for about ten hours then back to this.
  I can here my mom in my head every morning. “Just get up and go to work it will keep your mind busy”.
  Well mom got that one right-  now just need a solution for the other hours.
   This forum does help. And therapy. My therapy is now just reaffirming the same stuff but really necessary in my case.
  I will get through this and I’m weak so I have hope you will also.
  Good night. 
Logged
Rev
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 600


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2020, 07:09:09 PM »

Hi Everyone,

I’m struggling to come to terms with how terrible/abusive the relationship with my ex has been. I knew something didn’t feel ‘right’ but also it was the most amazing experience too. I felt like I met the love of my life. But her obsession that I was going to leave/find someone else completely tore us apart.

I kept pushing back and ending it - feeling awful each time as I didn’t want to ‘abandon’ her at all, but I needed it to stop. Hours and hours and hours of questioning and arguing (it could happen anytime but as an example it could  start at 10pm and could go on all through the night ... I would go into work the next day broken. Colleagues would ask how I was, I struggled to perform), as soon as I thought we made any progress in these arguments it would all start again, or a new issue would be brought up. Either that arguing session or at a later date. Same issues again and again - as soon as she found a ‘hook’ Or an issue she would go, and the story of events she would paint had very little resemblance to my version/memory of events.

I felt very isolated from friends - I am starting to get back in contact with them now but find it hard admitting to it all. I have almost minimised a lot of what happened (going through my phone, going through my things). Since breaking up we talked for a bit but I  assume this was the ‘devaluing’ phase as she has absolutely ripped me apart. Feel broken. Yet so confused as we were SO good, all the love and passion. I had first felt peace when there was space but I feel so confused too.

I’ve read a lot about it and understand now what we had was ‘infatuation’ not love.

How do you ever get over this cognitive dissonance? Or get their voice that questions you/judges you and sets all these expectations about your behaviour out of your head?

Many thanks for reading - any help to understand all this would be much appreciated (or just to know I’m not alone and that this is typical is strangely reassuring too!)

So... like ... hey! And welcome.

Sorry you are where you are... but happy you found us.

I'm just going to take a bit to sit with this. But you have asked THE question: What about all that cognitive dissonance?

I'll write back.

In the meantime, know that this is a great place. Everyone here is pulling for you and one day, you're going to pay it forward.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

You got this.

Rev
Logged
shootingstar

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2020, 04:42:40 AM »

Hi sarah jane,

Just wanted to reach out to say you are 100% not alone and your post could have been written by me (except I went a hard no contact on the final break up). I broke up 5 weeks ago with my girlfriend of nearly 12 months. The jealously, the projections and accusations that I was going to leave were a huge factor, along with becoming increasingly isolated from my friends that I am now reconnecting with. I am also currently struggling to come terms with how abusive it was (but then also so good and why was it so hard to leave...).

I have been fortunate in that I have started seeing a psychologist to help me recover. Is that something you might be able to access? I have been learning about ‘trauma bonding’ which has helped me understand more about what was going on... I had the same thing happen when it was good it was incredible and I was so hooked on it and the love on offer until it wasn’t... and then I was treated terribly, gaslit, interrogated for hours on end. Get one topic to settle and then another. I completely get going into work exhausted the next day, and feeling emotionally exhausted.

Anyway just wanted to say you will get through this, and I find reading these forums very helpful. Hope you do too.

If you are able to access a psychologist or similar I would recommend it. That has helped enormously, although I still have days where I forget the horrible and just think about the good times (when I was “spilt good”). Something that might be worth thinking about is that the good, bad and in between were all part of the relationship, and it is easy sometimes to get lost thinking how amazing it was, but those bad times carried an equal weight in the relationship.

Take care.
Logged
Rev
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 600


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2020, 11:26:44 AM »

Here's a good resource for you -

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=dr+ramani+ruminations&&view=detail&mid=BB391ECCCA4B671246DDBB391ECCCA4B671246DD&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Ddr%2Bramani%2Bruminations%26FORM%3DHDRSC3

Rev
Logged
Beth2468

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 23


« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2020, 02:46:25 PM »

Hi Sarah Jane

I am 6 weeks post break up and I am in a better place already, although it is still very hard.

I read somewhere that if you are thinking of breaking up with someone, one of the things you should ask yourself is how honest you have been with family and friends about the relationship.

You said that you had almost minimised a lot of what happened. I definitely minimised a most of what he did, in fact I hardly mentioned it at all, other than that he had "trust issues".

One of my friends said to me, even if you have made mistakes, there is no judgement here. I started to tell a few close friends some of ways he had behaved and hearing myself saying it out loud has helped me to detach, why on earth would I want to be back experiencing that?

My advice is to reconnect with and lean on your friends, real friends will understand and be there for you, and one or two may have had a similar experience.
Logged
quiller

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2020, 12:20:40 AM »

Honestly, did the same thing recent too... I cheered when she packed even though my heart was breaking. But she made drama everywhere we went and just to frequently and avoid any conversations about her role in the drama...usually she was and instigator. So maybe you should be happy shes gone...and keep it that way. Without treatment they have to seek and stick with these BPD people are a waste of time
.
Logged
sarah jane

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2020, 01:05:26 PM »

Thanks everyone for the welcome.

It is really helpful to read similar stories and know I’m not alone in a lot of this!

Looking though links and Resources and learning more...useful for the brain but it makes my heart very heavy though!
Logged
sarah jane

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2020, 01:39:08 PM »

It’s SUPER hard isn’t it?
Logged
Rev
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 600


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2020, 07:47:34 PM »

Thanks everyone for the welcome.

It is really helpful to read similar stories and know I’m not alone in a lot of this!

Looking though links and Resources and learning more...useful for the brain but it makes my heart very heavy though!

Yeah - It's super hard and can be really really heavy ...  and eventually it all evens out and your heart grows back and you evolve.  I found it helpful to use my emotional challenges as a sign to either slow down, or revisit something that I hadn't processed.  Because in the end, this is grief we are going through.

This really is one step at a time.

And you'll get there.

Rev
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!