Straight talk

[bated]

You can read my background in my post history and have been in an on again/off again relationship with dBPD.  What I have noticed there are lots of questions that get repeatedly asked and there are lots of long-winded answers.  Consider this a quick start guide to relationships with a BPD.

1) Why did (s)he leave me?
Because you have somehow triggered the BPDs fear of abandonment either directly e.g. you threatened to leave or indirectly e.g. you did not answer the phone or respond to a text message.

My experience is it is very easy to trigger this my BPD ex left me because I did not buy her an expensive enough gift for Christmas.  This triggered her fear of abandonment, and caused her to devalue me (read on).

2) But (s)he is my soulmate ...
Yes, it feels that way because people with BPD will typically idealize you, and will quickly make you feel like you have found your soulmate.

I experienced this first hand - it felt like she could read my mind. She was loving, affectionate, best sex I have ever had, etc etc

3) Why does (s)he hate me so much now?
It is called splitting (or black and white thinking).  A BPD person does not think in shades of grey, you are either all good or all bad, there is no in between.  It is a self protection mechanism which helps the BPD devalue you and detach.  Think about it if you were able to instantly hate someone you loved it would be much easier to let go.

Happened to me many times.  Once I suggested that we stay at home over the weekend rather than have a staycation in a hotel, so that we could save some money.  This triggered her, and resulted in her devaluing me (aka splitting me black) and immediately going back to a rich ex who would pay for the staycation.  True story.

4) Will (s)he come back?
The million dollar question. The short answer is, yes, if you want it and are prepared to wait. 

My experience, is that they tend to come back when you least expect it.  I asked my ex about this and she said that she would feel huge amounts of shame, when she broke up with me, which would cause her to do impulsive things, which she would end up regretting.  Note people with BPD sometimes dissociate, to prevent them from "feeling" the emotions ... read on.

5) Will s(he) get better?
The 10 million dollar question.  The short answer is, no, this is a severe mental illness without a magical cure.  There are "treatments" such as DBT or schema therapy that teach coping skills, but that is all that they provide.

My ex has been in DBT seriously for about a 2 years.  I have noticed improvements, for example she is much better at communicating her feelings, but the next trigger is only as far as the next stressful event.

6) Why is (s)he so distant?
(S)he is probably dissociating or starting to devalue you.  Dissociation?  You know when you drive home after work and when you get home, and you can't remember the drive home. Yes, that is what dissociating is like, but imagine being able to do it with a relationship instead of a drive home.  This protects BPDs from feeling emotion, but feeling the emotions is simply delayed and eventually the BPD experiences intense emotional pain.

7) Will I get closure?
This is the 100 million dollar question.  The short answer is no.  The reason BPD people break up with you is most likely nothing to do with you, but rather everything to do with the mental illness which is BPD.  They have the ability to cut you out of their life and move on immediately to someone else.  This is because they have BPD and this should be your closure.

My experience is that while you believe there is still hope for a relationship with someone with BPD, you will cling on to that idea and will not let go of them.  To move on you need to convince yourself that there is no hope.  Until you do that you will not be able to let go.

My ex has never given me closure after a break up, ever!

8 Should I get back with my exBPD?
This should be the billion dollar question!  The problem is nobody likes the answer to this question. No!

My experience with each recycle (aka h00ver), that they idealize you far less.  You get to see and experience more of the BPD symptoms.

9 How do I get over my BPD ex?
This should be the trillion dollar question and the answer is actually quite simple.  The person you fell in love does not exist. Yes, read that again.  You have done nothing wrong, there is nothing you could do to prevent what happened.  BPD is a mental illness which you can't cure.

I have been there.  It is incredibly painful and you will probably go through a period of depression.  Speak to a therapist who actually understands what BPD is.  Speak to a trusted friend - my friend helped me to see how my ex was using and manipulating me.

Getting over someone with BPD is not easy because of the idealization and the lack of closure. My advice is to watch lots of YouTube videos on getting over your ex with BPD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

A member posted this once...

For me, it was like that Lenny Bruce bit:

Lenny Bruce: I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally did it. After everything, all the misery, the fighting, and the lies, I finally, finally broke away from her.

Steve Allen: How did you do it?

Lenny Bruce: She left me.

This board is for people looking for tools and perspective on keeping a relationship alive and so in that context, what is happening in your world? It sounds like you two have recycled a lot. Have to seen this survey
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

A good place to start my be to explore what do you think brings her back?  What brings you back?

1) Why did (s)he leave me?
2) But (s)he is my soulmate ...
3) Why does (s)he hate me so much now?
4) Will (s)he come back?
5) Will s(he) get better?
6) Why is (s)he so distant?
7) Will I get closure?
8 Should I get back with my exBPD?
9 How do I get over my BPD ex?

You may want to add, why do we keep breaking up and making up?

[bated]

Easy to answer all those questions ...

A good place to start my be to explore what do you think brings her back?  What brings you back?

What brings her back is she acts like a 4 year old, she overreacts because BPD. I have seen a lot of speculation about whether someone with BPD can love.  This to me is not even in question - they absolutely do love people.  How they show love is where the problem lies. I believe it is a constant inner battle between their true self (loving) and the protection mechanisms which "prevent" them from getting hurt by someone such as splitting.

At first you think that your situation is different and that you can make it work, but over time you begin to see that even with improved coping strategies they are not able to control the disregulation when they are under stress.  My exBPDgf stressors are money and intimacy - anything which even vaguely hinted at a problem with finances would immediately trigger her.  I dreaded those moments in bed when she would tell me she loved me because I knew what would come next.

Why did I go back? Because at first I thought that kindness and accepting her for what she is was enough.  It saw small improvements from the DBT therapy and that gave me hope, but like I have said those improvement quickly evaporate when something stressful happens.

Also, it was the best sex ever, I am not going to lie!

[legalboxers]

@blated: I agree whole hardheartedly.. best sex in my PLEASE READing life! best part. she couldnt have kids.. ...
talked to a buddy of mine for hours. I went to HS with him, tried telling him I cant watch 90 day fiancee because of her. Hes like I dodged a bullet.

[LoveHimCantLeave]

Yikes! All your questions sound like I asked them myself personally. Did not realize how symptomatic and typical my case was. Does anyone else have any positive cases to report back on. I think we could all use it!

[bated]

Does anyone else have any positive cases to report back on?

I think everyone who has been in a relationship with someone with BPD has asked the same questions, which is why I wrote it, to hopefully help others make the right decisions.

Your question suggests you need to read my answers again.

[legalboxers]

LoveHimCantLeave

Does anyone else have any positive cases to report back on

Only thing positive is I woke up this morning. Thats the only positive thing I can report on.

[Brooklyn1974]

There are success stories.  There is a pinned post actually about success stories.  Success is defined differently for each one of us.  What you read on here are the traumatic cases and I assume most don't end up with a good ending.

What each of us also have to do is remember to not just focus on them.  We need to do soul-searching ourselves.  Not everything they have done, said or feel is BPD related.  Us on here posting are not perfect and we often make mistakes, some of these mistakes are huge even though they were not intended to hurt our significant other.

Personally I go back to the days that I was in an awful mood and was so busy focused on myself I didn't realize she was dysregulated and having a difficult time herself.  I was too busy trying to lick my own wounds and not asking her about hers.  For someone to just blame the relationship issues on one person is a sure way to seal the relationship to doom.

When you read this, spend the rest of the day analyzing yourself on what you did wrong and how you can improve yourself.

[bated]

When you read this, spend the rest of the day analyzing yourself on what you did wrong and how you can improve yourself.

@brooklyn1974 At the end of the day it is about self improvement, but I think there are some hard truths you have to face up to before you can improve.  Everyone's situation is slightly different, but at the end of the day BPD is a mental illness which to me is the first thing you need to accept.

[Brooklyn1974]

Yes BPD is an illness however they are still responsible for their actions just like the non-BPDs.  The whole point of soul-searching is not whether to stay in a relationship, IMO it's about what you as an individual can do better not just for them but for yourself. 

Does BPD dictate every feeling and decision they make?  The research I have read that it's not.  Guess it depends on the severity of it, who knows.  Just because we are non-BPDs does not make us 'right' or use BPD as a justification for the reason why a relationship ends.  We have to accept the wrongs we have done and truly show remorse to ourselves and them and then find a way to forgive and move on from it.

IMO that's the only way we can start to heal and to help us make a more conscious effort when our BPD is dysregulating.

[Skip]

At the end of the day it is about self improvement, but I think there are some hard truths... 

I'm not sure it is always about hard truths... more often the truth is not so hard and fast. Most partner's on this website (60-70%) are not clinically BPD, but rather have traits. Most members here have their own various struggles of one sort or another at some level. When the couple struggles, all of it is at play.

And while casual dating can be cleanly excised, family of origin, marriages, children, extended family, are not necessarily shedable.

[bated]

I'm not sure it is always about hard truths... more often the truth is not so hard and fast.

@Skip Do you agree that BPD is a mental illness that is with you for life, and as such is incurable?  I am genuinely interested on your views on that ...

My ex is diagnosed with BPD, she has all 9 of the traits, it is a hard truth to accept that she has BPD, and the implications of that.

And while casual dating can be cleanly excised, family of origin, marriages, children, extended family, are not necessarily shedable.

I feel that is a bit unfair, this is posted to romantic relationship board, not the family board.  I get that it isn't always easy if there are kids involved, but that is like any relationship where kids are involved.

Ultimately, the vast majority of the posts here are about extremely unhealthy relationships, and while the more experienced members preach introspection, I believe there are also a lot of people who simply want the unvarnished truth.

[Skip]

I am genuinely interested on your views...

I think your decision to not attempt to resuscitate your relationship after seven breakups is a reasonable one. At this point you feel that she is hopelessly mentally ill. She is accusing you of being a drug addict. Things are going down hill.

It sounds like you think it is best to end it, but are not sure this is the real end of the relationship.

It sounded like after the first break up, she was willing to make changes and I assume you were too. It now sounds like you are both less willing to do that. To make these relationships work, both parties have to come back together with a wiliness to better understand and accommodate one another. You guys haven't been and aren't at that place.

Truthfully, if there were simple "unvarnished" truths, you would have exited after she received a BPD dx and never looked back - just like you walk away from the homeless guy begging you for money. You read enough about the disorder at that point.

But it's hard to walk away from some one you are attached to. And the "unvarnished truth" posts most often come from guys trying to break up and want to hear that it was 100% hopeless for various reasons.

I get it. I left a relationship myself - it was hard pulling myself out of a relationship I really didn't want to leave.

@Skip Do you agree that BPD is a mental illness that is with you for life, and as such is incurable?  

The internal struggles are always there. Same as for an alcoholic. Outwardly, some learn to work through it and some don't - and everything between. A lot depends on age and severity, and the people in their lives.

[bated]

It sounds like you think it is best to end it, but are not sure this is the real end of the relationship.

Let me be clear, we are over.  I will not take her back.

Truthfully, if there were simple "unvarnished" truths, you would have exited after she received a BPD dx and never looked back - just like you walk away from the homeless guy begging you for money. You read enough about the disorder at that point.

My honest opinion is that this site needs a more balanced view on BPD.  The vast majority of the posts here describe unsuccessful relationships, the common denominator is BPD, and that alone should be sufficient evidence.

There is an inherent bias in people using and visiting this site: they are looking for hope.

I would say 90% of people find this site after being dumped or really hurt by someone with BPD.  They come here looking for answers.  Take me as an example, I came to this site, and my immediate takeaways:

• I should read some books on BPD (I have read countless book)
• BPD was treatable with DBT
• There is hope for a relationship

I really like how Melanie Amandine talks about bpd on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/MelanieAmandine/videos?view=0&sort=p&flow=grid.  I have not seen any reference to her on this site.  She is not vindictive but provides straightforward and practical advice for people who are struggling.

[Skip]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and your advice, bated.

Thanks!

[bated]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and your advice, bated.

Thanks!

You ain't getting rid of me that easily, skip 

[bated]

The most important thing to health and happiness is a securely attached relationship.  One of the most interesting and the longest running studies on happiness (~80 years).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI

I highly recommend watching this TED talk which is so relevant to everyone who participates in this forum.